A week and a half ago, a homeless man that we'd worked with this past year was found on fire. He was taken to the Harborview Medical Center where he died. 90% of his body suffered burns. Tomorrow night we are having a memorial service for him... We've invited his friends... we're going to have a nice service and a meal following. I'm thankful that the community is responding so compassionately and generously. I pray that most of all God goes before us. Who knows what will take place with these men and women. I'm certain that all are searching and seeking something beyond their daily existence, but who know what that might be. I pray we're prepared to comfort, to listen and to extend God's grace and mercy. I pray that my heart is changed as I see each man and woman as an image of God and less as an opportunity to 'save'. I pray that Carlos is not forgotten, but that his life would be used to inspire us to do more to protect the vulnerbility of each man, woman and child on the streets.

This past weekend (Saturday, June 18th) we (Rich, Nancy, Joshua and myself) trekked out to the corner of 15th and Market to meet with the homeless. We had a smaller turn out, but it was an encouraging time, as we had an opportunity to hear people's stories and we were able to connect with people. People are always surprised that we are there... Most think we are having a sidewalk sale and then to hear that all the clothes, the hygeine products and the coffee are free to those in need blows people out of the water.

There is always one or two who particularly stick out in your mind. They remind you why you are doing this and just how much God loves each and every person, as you are face-to-face with a man or woman created in God's image. Then you feel burdened to do more, to pray more and to find out how God can use our little hands and feet to be extensions of His great justice and mercy.

One man has been on my heart for the past week. He was admitted to the hospital for 11 days because of an infection he had on his leg which kept him from being able to walk. His face was worn, his hands were torn. You could tell that the ten years living on the street weighed heavy on him. And although he had everything going against him he was so thankful to have us there. He was so thankful that he could expect that every month there would be someone there to give him clean clothes and to listen to him. On his way out he said, "Thank you for being here and I will be praying that God brings you more donations".

Sometimes it is hard to know what we are doing out there. Does our blankets and coats really make a difference? God reminds us that he is the one at work and that even in the smallest ways he is continually renewing and redeeming souls for His Kingdom.

Praise be to God!

the past couple of weeks have marked major transitions in our lives. as a result, i've been feeling anxious, frustrated and a bit stressed. this normally happens with any big change, but today i've been reflecting on why it seems much more intensified this time... and i think that it is ultimately due to the fact that i'm not trusting god in every aspect of my life. i'm relying on my own strength, my own wisdom to get through... and i'm totally exhausted. it's ironic how we put ourselves through so much by simply not trusting and obeying god in our lives. and no matter how many times i put myself through this i never completely learn from it... i just keep doing it and then it's when i'm at the lowest point i realize, "oh yeah... i can't do this on my own". seems like a simple lesson to learn, but it is one that i keep resisting. why do i think my way is better?

one of the lessons i've been learning from genesis and exodus is that god keeps showing his people that he'll do what he will do. sometimes there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it... (for example, how jacob gets his father's blessing through cheating). and even in his dishonesty god honors his blessing. and i have failed to recognize that even in my life god will do what he does whether or not i'm trusting him, surrendering to him and obeying him. i just make it that much tougher for him to redeem me. when will what christ did on the cross be enough for me to believe and trust in the hope he has provided?

the other day i was talking to my father and he reminded me that christ already defeated sin and death... yet, i still rely on myself and reject the redemption that christ has victoriously won for me. what a painful realization! how painful it must be to our father... when we turn from his grace. how painful it must be to watch me as i relationally reject the love he has given me through my family and friends. how angry he must be when i intentionally make the choice to worship my idol. yet, he remains.

The Theology of Building

My father is a carpenter. I never really understood what drew him to this profession, because it's physically demanding work, you are at the mercy of the weather, you work long, long hours, and whether rain, sleet or snow you are required to be on the job. Constructing a house is complicated stuff. You've got this mass of dirt to start with and after many hours, days, months and sometimes years the labor of your hands is rewarded with the beauty of a finished product: a home. When I asked my father why he enjoys building he said, "I love seeing what I start with and by the end of the day surveying all that's been accomplished." I get the sense that investing his time, sweat and tears into crafting a home is a particularly rewarding accomplishment. Which makes me think that in our culture as postmodern evangelicals we've lost the value and art in the craft of building. We can't get enough of speed. We build technolgy to be more efficient which means faster. Our fast food restaurants are competing to come up with a product that is ultra-processed to increase the speed of service for their very important-busy customers. In some parts of the country you can get your groceries faster through the new service of drive-thru grocery stores. We've replaced the value of investing with the mentality of 'get the job done' with little quality or care. And since all of us are on this high speed hi-way none of us notice what we are missing.

As I wrestle with investing my life into other people's lives. I realize how impatient I can become in the process. And as I read Exodus and look at the old testament in its entirety I realize that God invested so much time in redeeming His people. As we read about the creative energy and time that has gone into building the temple... it's hard not to ask why so much detail, why so much time when ultimately our sin was redeemed through the temple/body and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I realize that I am not always a person comitted to long-suffering with people... especially when my time is limited, my resources are depleted, etc. What does it mean to have the patience of God and the heart to take the long road with people. Because let's face it it takes time and history and heart and soul to build relationships with people. It takes experience to celebrate the new life transitions like pregnancies, weddings, engagements and to mourn the loss of parents, children and dreams. It is the only kind of experience that comes with patiently traveling the road of our dignity and depravity. I need to constantly be asking myself how I can be a builder, an invester of the lives that God has entrusted in my hands.

Genesis 45

I absolutely love Joseph. This is my second time reading through Genesis and I have to say that the stories, the characters have come more alive to me than the first time through. I have a deeper appreciation, a deeper connection to the depravity, the brokenness and the blessing in each of these lives. As a result, I feel compelled to draw closer to our Father. I feel moved to trust more and seek more of His face.

That said, I want to get back to Joseph... Particularly the Joseph we read in Genesis 45. As I read about Joseph unmasking his identity to his brothers in this chapter I am struck by a number of different thoughts: 1) Joseph is extrodinarily wise. 2) He is amazingly gracious. 3) He loves God with his entire being and 4) He is absolutely passionate.

1) Joseph comes from a long lineage of family who struggle with discernment and wisdom. You see this time and again with Abraham and Isaac lying about their wives being their sisters. You see it in the way that Esau loses his birthright and blessing. You see it in Judah's relationship with Tamar. The men of this family had a hard time being obedient, staying faithful and trusting God. But Joseph is special... He has the hand of God's favor on his life. It is evident in how he wisely and appropriately uses his authority in this instance. Joseph could have easily abused his authority and killed his brothers, but he sees that even in their evil desires to destroy him God's will was being fulfilled. He sees that God's will is the most important aspect in his life... Not his pride, not the shame and humiliation he endured in prison, not the threat against his life... First and foremost, God's will.

2) Joseph could have continued the charade until they brought Jacob to him. He could have released the brothers and kept Benjamin just as he told them he would do until they brought back Jacob. But the reality is he loves his brothers... even in the painful memories of them leaving him to die and then selling him he deeply loves them. His heart is so close to the heart of God's. That even as we sling insults in God's face. Even when we rebel against His desires for our souls he weeps in grief because of his deep love for us.
Joseph could have killed his brothers or thrown them in jail or enslaved them for the rest of their lives because of the sins they committed against him, but he is so overwhelmed with grief and joy that he weeps over each one, kisses them and deeply embraces them.

3) Joseph is so faithful to God. I find it amazing that in every instance of temptation or in situations where he could exploit someone to elevate his status he surrenders himself to the will of God. In 45:8 he states, "So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God". What a way to get sent to do God's will... through the threat of death and then through the exploitation of slavery. Even then Joseph remains faithful to God's will... "the will to save people" (45:5). These are deep indications of his great love and fear for God.

4) Joseph is spilling over with passion. In any other circumstance, the person in Joseph's shoes would have quietly excused him/herself, locked him/herself in the privacy of their home and maybe share the intimate details with their spouse or closest friend, but Joseph excuses everyone to leave and weeps so loudly that everyone in Pharaoh's household hears him. He goes to each brother and weeps over each one, he kisses them, embraces them... he doesn't hold back his passionate cry from them... he exposes himself. In this culture, weeping over someone is the deepest symbol and sign of love for the recipient. You see this in other stories in the Bible. In the New Testament you see this with the woman who anoints God with perfume and wipes his feet with her tears and hair... The weeping over another is a sign of deepest affections.

These are just a few of my thoughts. Honestly, I could go on forever... But I guess my hope is that I can glean a few of these characteristic traits from Joseph. As a result of reading his story I am inspired to love passionately (God and others), offer grace to those who betray me, be aware of the truth that in every situation of my life (even the most painful) I must seek to press on and stay obedient to God's will and allow wisdom to guide all my steps.

God's overflowing joy.

Tonight I am just so in awe of God's faithfulness in my life. At worship it seemed to flow out of me and I couldn't contain my delight for His presence. Which made me recall some memories from my childhood when I was a girl. When I was about 10 and 11 I loved going to worship service. My idea of a great Saturday night was attending the prayer meetings at our church. I absolutely loved to sing and I would stand in the front row of the church singing and lifting my praises to God. One day a woman that played the piano at our church came up to me after the service and expressed to me the blessing she felt in watching me worship at church. It was an encouragement to her spirit. Thus, her words an encouragement to mine. Now this post is not in any way meant to elevate my devotion to God or to bring any glory to my service. Because the reality is that even in my fickleness God remained true to me. So tonight as I was worshiping I started to remember those days when I couldn't wait to get to church to sing and praise... I started to remember those days when I met new friends and I couldn't wait to share with them the love of Christ... It had been so long since I'd felt the depth of that joy in my life. And tonight that joy revisited me. You see, through the falls and scrapes of life I'd forgotten that God is God. He remains even when I falter. That is something to be truly joyful about. I'd settled on the status quo of life-- afraid that I might be perceived as a freak if I let God's love truly fall out of my lips-- out of my actions-- out of my conversations so I kept it cool. I kept a low profile. Then I went to seminary and started recognizing the imperfection of the church and I became cynical, angry and resentful. No way would I be associated with some evangelical freaks who, in my judgemental opinion, had a lot of great words, but no action to back it up. You see, I thought in order to be joyous you had to be perfectly happy and content with life. And I was neither content nor happy. I thought to have joy I had to cover and hide all my transgressions to reflect the perfection of the father and I learned I wanted to be a part of a body where I could be a woman who questioned, wrestled and struggled with life. Yet, found great joy and wonder in God's amazing grace that transcends any understanding or comprehension that I might have. I wanted something real and transparent. Today I realize that some of my relevations about the church have been true... the church is jacked. But, what hope-- what peace we have when we gaze into the splendor of Christ who redeems us. I can't help but be overwhelmed with such joy.

Cont. from last post

So I'm left to discern God's calling for my life and how I am to use my calling to simply love more. I think the first step to doing that is be humbled, Everytime I try to figure out how to be important it takes my focus away from how I can serve my family, my community, the homeless, the broken and all those that God brings into my path.

God's revelation has made me examine myself deeper and ask what void am I trying to fill. I am ashamed that my care is so selfishly motivated. So I write this to confess that I am a mess. I'm not sure how God will choose to use me in the work of His kingdom. However, I am encouraged because I am reminded that despite my messiness he plans to use me just as he did with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I must trust. I must wait. I must hear.

The thing is... is I have exteme unrealistic and idealistic expectations for what the church should look like. I can't help but feel disappointed at our lack of being able to hear and see each other and minister to that desperate need. But I realize that my expectations have been set on my hope of what the future church will be as the bride of Christ. And that the fine balance for me is be in great anticipation of Christ's return and the beauty and fellowship we will have among each other and with God and not to kill that hope when I feel disappointed that I'm still living in a broken, dysfunctional family. I want the future now and I expect the church to embody all His perfection today. But God is showing me that as a church although we have a responsibility to respond to the Gospel and move towards greater depth in our lives spiritually we will never completely be there until His return. I cling to this hope. I'm relying on this truth. And in the meantime I want to live out the tension of dignity and depravity, I want to embody our brokeness mended in grace to remind me that we desperately need God.

The Lord be with you.

I'm attending a mid-winter conference for the covenant church in Chicago. It's my first conference i've attended for our denomination and to be honest these sort of events are my least favorite to attend. I always get a little anxious before I come to large events where I will not know very many. Yet, I anticipate those that I will meet and find connection with... maybe someone who's ministry intersects with the ministry of Quest. These events are also hard because it is hard to find a moment to yourself. There are people everywhere and people who want to introduce you to their people and so on. But it is all out of kindness. i am unsure of my ability to 'represent' accurately the body of Quest to those who want to know what we've been up to... I find myself asking what image should I present? Now i'm here and with the majority of the folks white males over the age of 45 I find it hard to figure out where I fit in all of this. And I feel God gently rebuking me, because I realize i'm not here to fit... i'm here to grow.

The last few months i've been really wrestling with God. i keep asking him, "What do you want with me?" As if it isn't enough that i have health, amazing ministry and work, beautiful family and His very grace in my life. i keep asking, "Where do you want me?" And i keep asking it because I don't listen or maybe I ignore that he is saying, "right here". My best friend keeps underlying the difficulty I am having in staying in the here and now and affirming me to be content with the present. I simply ignore. What i've been learning at this conference is making me have to examine all my motivations or rather the conference has been a catalyst (through it's speakers) to show me that I have some re-prioritizing to do in my life. One speaker in particular who has a profound impact on my spiritual journey and life is Dr. Marva Dawn. She is a phenomenal presence. Her words and work are encouraging the church to look at our commitments. Where are our commitments? Are they in our numbers? Our programs? Our buildings? Or are they simply found in our desire for community, relationships, embodiment of the Spirit through the fellowship of our human hearts?

That said, i've got a confession to make: i want to be important. I want to have meaning, purpose and fulfillment. Certainly there is nothing wrong with purpose or meaning or satisfaction. We all desperately want to impact our world and those in it. Unfortunately, it has been one of the strongest gods in my life. I've elevated my importance above my family, my church, my community and the relationships that God has so graciously given to me. My work has been a platform for me to attract those who might think i'm important, worthy or needed in the church of Christ. Today I am found convicted of this awful truth. And although God has given me certain giftedness I am corrected today that my gifts were not given to me so that I could make a dent in this world and be important my gifts were given so that i can love God and love people. My gifts are a platform for me to express my deepest gratitude and love to God.

This is continued in the next post...

My Girl.

I put Isabelle in her play pen so that she could drink her juice and then I heard her quietly playing. So I decided to peak in and watch her. I stood there for such a long time. I am so amazed at the little girl that she is becoming. In about a month, my girl will be a year old. It seems she was just born. I keep thinking back to that day on March 3, 2004 when I first came face-to-face with her. She is truly lovely. Every nuance that she picks up and displays leaves me speechless. What a gift of grace she is in our lives!

The other day I took her to gymboree class and (I'm trying to not sound biased) I think my girl is quite advanced for her age. In fact, I think we may need to move to the class up she seemed rather bored with the activities of this class. As I stated at her baby dedication she never fails to surprise me. She is funny, bright and oh so charming.

I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for how she enriches my life. I'm thankful that I get to be the one guiding her , caring for her and nurturing the person she will become. I pray that I do so with trepidation. I want to keep in mind that my choices have deeper implications to her life. I pray that God will lead me in this journey and that I will always be mindful of my need for His presence.

I'm in the office today and i'm trying to get some work done. A co-worker forwarded an e-mail from a friend who is in SE Asia helping clean up and serve the victims there. This person met a man from Germany who was vacationing with his wife. While he was jogging and his wife was sun bathing on the beach he looked over and saw something strange in the water. He immediately started running toward his wife, but two minutes before reaching her he looked and the wall was right above him. He has been looking for his wife since. I suddenly feel completely distracted from my work. What can I do, but pray? And there is a part of me that feels that is so trite when there are people on the other side of the world grieving the loss of everything.

Yesterday, a director from World Vision came to speak with the staff. We are talking about partnering in some way and planning a mission trip to Africa. We ended up talking about the AIDS epidemic and how it is changing an entire landscape of people. He shared his concerns of what life will look like in 20 years. There are children in parts of Africa whose parents have died, grandparents are gone, aunts and uncles are dead and teachers have died due to this epidemic. What does the future look like for these children who are raising themselves? It's grim.

And here I am sitting at a comfortable desk... in a comfortable office... with every need taken care of. While on the other side of the map, there are men, women and children suffering beyond my understanding or experience.

As we've been reading Genesis, I've been thinking a lot about Sarai and Abram's promise from God. What a testament of God's provision and grace in their lives! I'm currently reading a commentary and the author points out the re-birth of Sarai and Abram. Their names are changed to Sarah and Abraham, a symbol of their re-birth. As Sarai and Abram they are barren and as Sarah and Abraham they give birth to Isaac. I parrallel this story with the grace and sacrafice of Christ. Before Christ we could not be reconciled before God and through the sacrafice of Christ we are redeemed and brought into relationship with our Father. Paul states, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation (Romans 5:8-11)."

Now where am I going with all this? I guess I find comfort and hope in the revelation that God has been weaving his redemption story throughout the course of humanity even from the very beginning. The comparison of Sarah and Abraham's story to the gospel story reminds me that God's plan and promise has been the same all along. He desires to make us pregnant and alive in his grace, love, goodness and faithfulness so that we in turn can give birth to hope for others to embrace.

I still feel burdened. I'm unsure how to help, what to pray, how to give... But I can sit reassured that although I can't understand it or fully comprehend it there is hope, because God remains.

Surprise.

Today my youngest brother dropped off the Christmas gift he'd been planning for me for quite some time. When I told him I'd like him to consider giving to a charity on my behalf as opposed to getting me something he laughed at me. He said he wouldn't do that. That's my youngest brother for you. He truly humbles me.

So today he surprised me at 9:30 am with a big gift in his hands and said, "It's ready"! I said, "I can open it?" So I unwrapped it to find this amazing piece of art that he had picked out for me and had specially framed. It's an abstract piece. I'm not sure who the artist is or what the name of the piece is, but he was inspired by some other pieces I had in our apartment and when he saw this piece in pike street market he got it. It's a big painting with very beautiful, bold colors. I think it is a redemptive piece. Meaning I feel redeemed when I look at it. Or rather I'm reminded that redemption is so near when I look at it.

His gift truly floored me. In and of itself, it is fantastic. But I think the aspect that humbles me the most is that my brother demonstrated that he 'gets me'. Most of my, 20's (and adolescence) I struggled with this whole idea of being known. I would simply ask the question, "Can anyone be known?" "Can anyone even get a glimpse of who anyone is?" And I had theorized that, "yes, maybe we can catch glimpses, but no one person can be fully known by another human." Maybe that came from cynicism... Or maybe that is just the truth and a practical way at looking at relationship and life. I've come to realize that I can only truly and fully be known by my creator. And yet, a bit of me aches to be seen, experienced and known by my husband, my daughter, my parents, my friends, my siblings, my grandfather and my colleagues. And I think that there are ways in which they know me, but never completely. I believe that it is God's divine calling for us to engage the mystery of each other and to expose the frailty of our longing for relationship.

After many years of trying to jump hoops and find a way to make people like me, get me and be proud of me. I feel in a much more hopeful place knowing that God knows my soul, my heart, my every thought and that it is truly magnificent to be caught by another human being. God redeems our disappointments through his biblical truth that he promises life and he heals through the simplicity of being surprised by human hands.

This life is amazing.

Confessing Faith

Last night our church had a baptism service. It's the second baptism service i've been a part of at Quest and I have to say that it is my favorite service here. Six men and women shared their faith story and made a public declaration of their faith in Christ Jesus. What an honor to sit among these men and women and hear how God has and is transforming their lives. It really does speak to the mystery of the Holy Spirit and how even when we don't tangibly see it or recognize it He is working on our behalfs. All the while, we are concerned with the trivial worries of life God is weaving His grace and mercy amongst our very souls. That truth is a wonderful reality. Hearing each of these stories, each of these journeys inspires great hope in the Gospel of Christ. Every time I have the opportunity to share in this baptismal experience I think there is something deepening me and compelling me to further seek God's face... even in the monotony of life. I realized life is not monotonous, because something wonderful and mysterious is always finding His presence in our very hearts. That could never be monotonous... It is a miracle of God's divine purpose for every human heart.