Cont. from last post
So I'm left to discern God's calling for my life and how I am to use my calling to simply love more. I think the first step to doing that is be humbled, Everytime I try to figure out how to be important it takes my focus away from how I can serve my family, my community, the homeless, the broken and all those that God brings into my path.
God's revelation has made me examine myself deeper and ask what void am I trying to fill. I am ashamed that my care is so selfishly motivated. So I write this to confess that I am a mess. I'm not sure how God will choose to use me in the work of His kingdom. However, I am encouraged because I am reminded that despite my messiness he plans to use me just as he did with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I must trust. I must wait. I must hear.
The thing is... is I have exteme unrealistic and idealistic expectations for what the church should look like. I can't help but feel disappointed at our lack of being able to hear and see each other and minister to that desperate need. But I realize that my expectations have been set on my hope of what the future church will be as the bride of Christ. And that the fine balance for me is be in great anticipation of Christ's return and the beauty and fellowship we will have among each other and with God and not to kill that hope when I feel disappointed that I'm still living in a broken, dysfunctional family. I want the future now and I expect the church to embody all His perfection today. But God is showing me that as a church although we have a responsibility to respond to the Gospel and move towards greater depth in our lives spiritually we will never completely be there until His return. I cling to this hope. I'm relying on this truth. And in the meantime I want to live out the tension of dignity and depravity, I want to embody our brokeness mended in grace to remind me that we desperately need God.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
The Lord be with you.
I'm attending a mid-winter conference for the covenant church in Chicago. It's my first conference i've attended for our denomination and to be honest these sort of events are my least favorite to attend. I always get a little anxious before I come to large events where I will not know very many. Yet, I anticipate those that I will meet and find connection with... maybe someone who's ministry intersects with the ministry of Quest. These events are also hard because it is hard to find a moment to yourself. There are people everywhere and people who want to introduce you to their people and so on. But it is all out of kindness. i am unsure of my ability to 'represent' accurately the body of Quest to those who want to know what we've been up to... I find myself asking what image should I present? Now i'm here and with the majority of the folks white males over the age of 45 I find it hard to figure out where I fit in all of this. And I feel God gently rebuking me, because I realize i'm not here to fit... i'm here to grow.
The last few months i've been really wrestling with God. i keep asking him, "What do you want with me?" As if it isn't enough that i have health, amazing ministry and work, beautiful family and His very grace in my life. i keep asking, "Where do you want me?" And i keep asking it because I don't listen or maybe I ignore that he is saying, "right here". My best friend keeps underlying the difficulty I am having in staying in the here and now and affirming me to be content with the present. I simply ignore. What i've been learning at this conference is making me have to examine all my motivations or rather the conference has been a catalyst (through it's speakers) to show me that I have some re-prioritizing to do in my life. One speaker in particular who has a profound impact on my spiritual journey and life is Dr. Marva Dawn. She is a phenomenal presence. Her words and work are encouraging the church to look at our commitments. Where are our commitments? Are they in our numbers? Our programs? Our buildings? Or are they simply found in our desire for community, relationships, embodiment of the Spirit through the fellowship of our human hearts?
That said, i've got a confession to make: i want to be important. I want to have meaning, purpose and fulfillment. Certainly there is nothing wrong with purpose or meaning or satisfaction. We all desperately want to impact our world and those in it. Unfortunately, it has been one of the strongest gods in my life. I've elevated my importance above my family, my church, my community and the relationships that God has so graciously given to me. My work has been a platform for me to attract those who might think i'm important, worthy or needed in the church of Christ. Today I am found convicted of this awful truth. And although God has given me certain giftedness I am corrected today that my gifts were not given to me so that I could make a dent in this world and be important my gifts were given so that i can love God and love people. My gifts are a platform for me to express my deepest gratitude and love to God.
This is continued in the next post...
I'm attending a mid-winter conference for the covenant church in Chicago. It's my first conference i've attended for our denomination and to be honest these sort of events are my least favorite to attend. I always get a little anxious before I come to large events where I will not know very many. Yet, I anticipate those that I will meet and find connection with... maybe someone who's ministry intersects with the ministry of Quest. These events are also hard because it is hard to find a moment to yourself. There are people everywhere and people who want to introduce you to their people and so on. But it is all out of kindness. i am unsure of my ability to 'represent' accurately the body of Quest to those who want to know what we've been up to... I find myself asking what image should I present? Now i'm here and with the majority of the folks white males over the age of 45 I find it hard to figure out where I fit in all of this. And I feel God gently rebuking me, because I realize i'm not here to fit... i'm here to grow.
The last few months i've been really wrestling with God. i keep asking him, "What do you want with me?" As if it isn't enough that i have health, amazing ministry and work, beautiful family and His very grace in my life. i keep asking, "Where do you want me?" And i keep asking it because I don't listen or maybe I ignore that he is saying, "right here". My best friend keeps underlying the difficulty I am having in staying in the here and now and affirming me to be content with the present. I simply ignore. What i've been learning at this conference is making me have to examine all my motivations or rather the conference has been a catalyst (through it's speakers) to show me that I have some re-prioritizing to do in my life. One speaker in particular who has a profound impact on my spiritual journey and life is Dr. Marva Dawn. She is a phenomenal presence. Her words and work are encouraging the church to look at our commitments. Where are our commitments? Are they in our numbers? Our programs? Our buildings? Or are they simply found in our desire for community, relationships, embodiment of the Spirit through the fellowship of our human hearts?
That said, i've got a confession to make: i want to be important. I want to have meaning, purpose and fulfillment. Certainly there is nothing wrong with purpose or meaning or satisfaction. We all desperately want to impact our world and those in it. Unfortunately, it has been one of the strongest gods in my life. I've elevated my importance above my family, my church, my community and the relationships that God has so graciously given to me. My work has been a platform for me to attract those who might think i'm important, worthy or needed in the church of Christ. Today I am found convicted of this awful truth. And although God has given me certain giftedness I am corrected today that my gifts were not given to me so that I could make a dent in this world and be important my gifts were given so that i can love God and love people. My gifts are a platform for me to express my deepest gratitude and love to God.
This is continued in the next post...
Monday, January 31, 2005
My Girl.
I put Isabelle in her play pen so that she could drink her juice and then I heard her quietly playing. So I decided to peak in and watch her. I stood there for such a long time. I am so amazed at the little girl that she is becoming. In about a month, my girl will be a year old. It seems she was just born. I keep thinking back to that day on March 3, 2004 when I first came face-to-face with her. She is truly lovely. Every nuance that she picks up and displays leaves me speechless. What a gift of grace she is in our lives!
The other day I took her to gymboree class and (I'm trying to not sound biased) I think my girl is quite advanced for her age. In fact, I think we may need to move to the class up she seemed rather bored with the activities of this class. As I stated at her baby dedication she never fails to surprise me. She is funny, bright and oh so charming.
I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for how she enriches my life. I'm thankful that I get to be the one guiding her , caring for her and nurturing the person she will become. I pray that I do so with trepidation. I want to keep in mind that my choices have deeper implications to her life. I pray that God will lead me in this journey and that I will always be mindful of my need for His presence.
I put Isabelle in her play pen so that she could drink her juice and then I heard her quietly playing. So I decided to peak in and watch her. I stood there for such a long time. I am so amazed at the little girl that she is becoming. In about a month, my girl will be a year old. It seems she was just born. I keep thinking back to that day on March 3, 2004 when I first came face-to-face with her. She is truly lovely. Every nuance that she picks up and displays leaves me speechless. What a gift of grace she is in our lives!
The other day I took her to gymboree class and (I'm trying to not sound biased) I think my girl is quite advanced for her age. In fact, I think we may need to move to the class up she seemed rather bored with the activities of this class. As I stated at her baby dedication she never fails to surprise me. She is funny, bright and oh so charming.
I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for how she enriches my life. I'm thankful that I get to be the one guiding her , caring for her and nurturing the person she will become. I pray that I do so with trepidation. I want to keep in mind that my choices have deeper implications to her life. I pray that God will lead me in this journey and that I will always be mindful of my need for His presence.
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