God's overflowing joy.

Tonight I am just so in awe of God's faithfulness in my life. At worship it seemed to flow out of me and I couldn't contain my delight for His presence. Which made me recall some memories from my childhood when I was a girl. When I was about 10 and 11 I loved going to worship service. My idea of a great Saturday night was attending the prayer meetings at our church. I absolutely loved to sing and I would stand in the front row of the church singing and lifting my praises to God. One day a woman that played the piano at our church came up to me after the service and expressed to me the blessing she felt in watching me worship at church. It was an encouragement to her spirit. Thus, her words an encouragement to mine. Now this post is not in any way meant to elevate my devotion to God or to bring any glory to my service. Because the reality is that even in my fickleness God remained true to me. So tonight as I was worshiping I started to remember those days when I couldn't wait to get to church to sing and praise... I started to remember those days when I met new friends and I couldn't wait to share with them the love of Christ... It had been so long since I'd felt the depth of that joy in my life. And tonight that joy revisited me. You see, through the falls and scrapes of life I'd forgotten that God is God. He remains even when I falter. That is something to be truly joyful about. I'd settled on the status quo of life-- afraid that I might be perceived as a freak if I let God's love truly fall out of my lips-- out of my actions-- out of my conversations so I kept it cool. I kept a low profile. Then I went to seminary and started recognizing the imperfection of the church and I became cynical, angry and resentful. No way would I be associated with some evangelical freaks who, in my judgemental opinion, had a lot of great words, but no action to back it up. You see, I thought in order to be joyous you had to be perfectly happy and content with life. And I was neither content nor happy. I thought to have joy I had to cover and hide all my transgressions to reflect the perfection of the father and I learned I wanted to be a part of a body where I could be a woman who questioned, wrestled and struggled with life. Yet, found great joy and wonder in God's amazing grace that transcends any understanding or comprehension that I might have. I wanted something real and transparent. Today I realize that some of my relevations about the church have been true... the church is jacked. But, what hope-- what peace we have when we gaze into the splendor of Christ who redeems us. I can't help but be overwhelmed with such joy.