The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of busyness for me… It seems when I pass through one busy season I seem to naively think that the next season will be much slower paced. It’s not long after that thought crosses my mind that I’m jolted into reality and in the passage from one season to the next I realize that the pace remains very much the same as the season before. After 5 years of this constant moving pace I’m really ready to take a break, to rest, to reflect and to meditate on that which God has done in my life, to look at how he has been present in every aspect of life, and enjoy all that He has gifted my life with (i.e. my husband, my daughter, my close friendships). Yet, I know that sometimes those moments have to be taken and a need to shut out all the outside voices, agendas and expectations must be employed. Unfortunately, for me I don’t always recognize it until I’m at my weakest and most fragile state. God’s grace and mercy is such that he continues to invite me in even when I ignore the prodding of the Holy Spirit.

This past week the To the Streets ministry has been preparing for the Thanksgiving Dinner we are hosting for the homeless community on Saturday. There were a lot of small details and coordination that need to be attended to and I am thankful because so many responded to the need and stepped up to volunteer. For me as the primary leader my mind was swimming with thoughts about turkeys and potatoes and runs to Costco and grocery bags of food and coordinating volunteers and so on… It is all this busy work that invades my mind. Now the reason I was a little more anxious then normal is that while I was simultaneously trying to mentally prepare and coordinate all the pieces for the dinner while also sitting in an ordination class this week from 9 in the morning until 9 in the night. Now ultimately I know that everything will fall into place but in actuality I feel pulled mentally and physically in several different directions. With that said, most of my time in the class has found my mind wandering all over the place—in and out of the classroom into the realm of turkeys and centerpieces and back. It has been a very disjointed experience, but God reached beyond my ADD, grabbed my attention and brought me back into the fold of his Spirit.

It was difficult to stay in the class every night until 9 knowing that I had a ton of things to do in the office with a gracious attitude and, although gentle, the Holy Spirit brought conviction to my heart to remain present and steadfast to this place that he had me. One of the last nights I went to a segment of the class which was a worship setting with great reluctance. Some of the students in the class prepared and planned the worship service so there was a desire on my part to honor their efforts, but in all honestly I wanted to go home. I wanted to get back to the office to take care of a few things knowing that the following day I’d need to leave the house at 7:30 am to be back for the final session of the class. Little did I know that the Spirit had different plans for me at the service. I was pleasantly surprised. It was a quaint, simple yet beautiful service setting. The setting--a small circle with the cross, communion feast, candlelight as the centerpiece and the people facing each other in this circle. It was an extremely intimate and vulnerable setting. We were asked to reflect and share on the following questions: Who are you? What are you leaving behind? What are you becoming? This is my answer that I pondered and wrestled over for some time:

I have felt for so long that I have been in transition and influx. I don’t feel like I can rest or relax or trust. I feel constantly bombarded by things that are worldly or material. I feel unsettled in who I am and I wonder what is my purpose. I question what is my call and where does God want me. I struggle with where I am at in every aspect of my world—from ministry to family. I am unsure. I am hesitant and I wonder how others perceive me and all this brings me great restlessness. At the core, I want to believe and I want to trust and I want to know without doubt or shame that God is for me, but I face so many emotional demons and I hold myself at a distance from God. So I guess I’d say is that I am a woman in transition—still being transformed and renewed by God’s unconditional love. I don’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it, but even in my questions, my struggles, my uncertainties I know that it exists and remains a constant in my life.

I am leaving behind: control. You see in the midst of all this anxiety of the unknown— the unknown of my present and the stepping out into my future I think that somehow, in some way I can change my circumstances. I can make things better. I can rely on only me. So in facing who I am I realize that I am forced to let go of an idol of self preservation and the need to keep things so tightly held in my hands.

What am I becoming? I am becoming a woman who rests. I am becoming a woman who doesn’t apologize for who I am or explain a way all of my thoughts, feelings and convictions but rests and is assured that for whatever reason God made me. He made me in his image and he is delighted in that work. That is a truth I can rest in. That is a reminder that I can lean on in God. That is confirmation that I don’t have to be ashamed that I am weak but instead remember it is in Him where I am made strong.

11 years and counting...

June 29, 2007 marks our 11 year anniversary. Wow! How the time flies! Just 11 short years ago Frank and I shared vows and covenanted the rest of our lives to one another. I look back at these eleven years and I am completely humbled and moved and reminded of the significant exchange of commitment we made to each other that day.

I can't say that the last 11 years have been smooth sailing... It has come with its fair share of ups and downs. The time has had its toll on our relationship. From wedding day to graduate school to small stint in Navy to parenting to more life transitions and so on... Yes, we've shared life's joys and life's sorrows-- together. I think that is why it makes life all the more doable! Because we have weathered so much together. On the other hand, I am reminded that marriage is not easy. It is the deepest, most significant and most difficult calls of life. The 11 years have reminded me of that... and that reminder keeps me humble and helps me to remember that we still have to make the space for love, care, and strength to be cultivated in our relationship. Even after 11 years it is not just second nature for us to give sacrificially to one another-- it is an act that we have to continue to seek after and walk carefully in faith.

This blog entry is really a tribute to my husband. I am a lucky woman to have Frank as my husband. We have had tremendously difficult times in life and my husband has continued to stay consistent in offering hope amidst all of it. I am also a pastor, a counselor amongst other things and those are not easy roles not only for myself but mostly not easy on Frank and my family. Most people don't see the tireless way in which he supports me-- even when I am weary, frustrated, unavailable, busy, demanded of, irritable and ungracious. He continues to fight for me like no one ever has ever done in my life. I deeply appreciate his patience and diligence in seeing beyond my flaws and seeing the potential I embody. So as I reflect on 11 wonderfully full years I remember today that where I am today is in large part due to the support, care, and faithful love I have received from my husband. I am looking forward to the next eleven years with Frank with awe, anticipation and wonder.

I'm sick of Paris.

Seriously, the media coverage on the saga of Paris Hilton and her impending jail time is really annoying to me and a huge waste of time. It looks like that although for so long we've sent the message-- if you have money and you're an important person by celebrity standards you can do anything you want and get a way with it-- Paris will not slide under the radar without paying her dues and consequences by serving time in jail behind bars. I am so glad that in this case the judge ordered her to come back and spend her time in jail. I really have no sympathy or compassion for her situation. Maybe that seems calloused of me, but I really don't care. I think that any time someone decides to be irresponsible and step behind a wheel after drinking and gets caught the consequences must be severe.

Last year a friend of ours got drunk at the local bar in small town USA. He got behind the wheel at about 2:00 am with a woman friend in the passenger seat. Approximately 10 minutes later he wrapped his car around a semi-truck that was parked along the side of the freeway entrance. When the EMT's arrived at the scene the passenger of our friend's vehicle was already dead. Meanwhile he was air lifted to Harborview where he spent the next week in critical condition and on life support. During that week his family was at his side. His two young sons, ages 23 and 21 and 12 year old daughter were there to watch as the doctors declared there was no more to be done and removed him from life support system.

To this day I still struggle to reconcile that situation in my mind. I struggle to find grace and forgiveness for something that was completely preventable. This man, our friend had served on worship team, the leadership team and as an elder in our previous church. He had a young family who still needed the guidance and presence of their father. I especially think of his 12 year old daughter who will spend the rest of her years without the nurture of her father in her life. And this is the legacy he left behind. Their last memory of him would be this irresponsible act that took two lives.

Recently another close friend of mine got a DUI. He was sent to jail. After being released he was bogged down with the inconvenience of more court appearances and alcohol assessments and feeling discouraged and annoyed he was having difficulty not feeling like the system was too tough on him. I had the privilege of telling him how completely blessed he was-- that amidst the running around from one court room to another class to another parole officer, etc. he was completely blessed. "You see", I said, "you get to walk a way this time. You get to WALK. No one was hurt or killed. You get to walk. God's blessing is upon you and you get the chance to turn it around right now and change". Yeah, not the most exciting thing to hear when you're discouraged and annoyed, but that is the truth-- God blesses us by opening our eyes to make the appropriate changes in order to be the best stewards with the gifts he's given us.

All that to say, I think we all make dumb choices with the thought that it won't hurt anyone and only we will know about it so it's no big deal and that even includes grossly irresponsible acts such as drinking and driving. Yet, God keeps giving second chances, ones I hope we will grab on to in order to use all that we are and all that we have to bring glory and blessing. My friend who died doesn't get that second chance but I hope to learn from his story and share it that it might help us all to be responsible in all that we do.

here goes...

After many months and many long night meetings and different conversations about ideas and theories about a merger between Quest and Interbay church-- here it is this Sunday, June 3rd our first service together as one church. It is an exciting time for the Quest community. We are gaining so much in depth from our brothers and sisters at Interbay. As a pastor at Quest church, I have been completely humbled by this tremendous gift and sacrifice by our brothers and sisters next door. They are giving much in order to further the kingdom of God. They are giving themselves completely to God's spirit as they trust that their vision to be a community who 'sends' others out for the gospel will remain alive and thriving among men and women they are finally getting to know after all these years. It is amazing!!

On Sunday, we had a service time (one which we have about 1-2 times a year) to allow the larger congregation to share their scripture and encouragement to their community in hopes of cultivating a culture of blessing each other through our words, thoughts, insights-- those things that God lays upon our hearts. It was a wonderful time and beautiful time to hear from so many as they expressed their struggles, their passions, their desire to follow God.

What came to mind for me as we prepare our hearts for the merging of two bodies coming together as one was given to me in the scripture: Ephesians 4:1-7.
It reads:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit-- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call-- one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

This Sunday was the last Sunday for Quest-- as we've known it. We will be changing our space, joining in community with another church and as a result let's face it we will change as a community. And although the change is a good one-- it is a change and one that deserves to be marked, remembered, and moved through in grace and faith. I am reminded that Quest although diverse in many ways-- we will become that much more diverse in the merging of these different bodies.

As we have prepared to the best of our human abilities through the LT, church forums, membership meetings and transitional team I think in the back of our minds we still wonder how will this work-- we are different. Our stories, our experiences, our ideas well they are different so when the rubber meets the road what will this look like in the end?

I remember my first ordination class (called Theological Distinctives) in Denver. The instructors had us stand up introduce ourselves and share our church background. As people shared I began to realize that the ECC is a diverse denomination of people from all kinds of different church backgrounds. There were people who were traditionally Pentecostal, Baptist, Episcoplian, Presbyterian and more... And in the back of my mind I wondered how does this work that people who are so different can come together to serve together as one church. And then I learned that in the ECC's theological distinctives that at the heart of their beliefs was: unity in Christ. Unity in Christ-- what freedom! No matter where we fell in our beliefs on the administration of sacraments, whether we were believers of infant baptism or believer baptism, how we felt about women in leadership-- at the heart of it all there was freedom because we believe we are one in Christ and that is what binds us one to another.

And this word applies to us (Quest Church and Interbay)-- that although different in history, stories, experiences and backgrounds-- we are in fact bound together because of what Christ has done for us on the cross. It is that grace-- that love-- that mercy that makes us one. Our missions, our visions, our agendas are not what make us a church it is in fact, the work of Christ. We are united with him, in him and together as one.

Bloggersphere and more...

So I committed to myself & to you (even though you didn't know it AND i'm not sure if there is a you because who knows who or if anyone reads this thing) to at least have one new blog entry a week. I felt I owed it to the world to get my thoughts out there. I have a distinct feeling that blogs should have meaning and purpose and a reason for being in cyberspace. Sometimes I don't know what the purpose of my blog is... I don't want to just blog about what I'm wearing and when my next big bowl of pho will be consumed... I want it to be meaningful and send a message of worthy publication... Somedays I don't write because maybe all I'd have to say is monotonous drivel and I think that the only one who would benefit from that post would be myself. As my thoughts pinged around in my head about the meaning of blogs (particularly mine) I realized it came from a deeper place inside me. Let's just say the blog is a metaphor for my life. So here I find myself writing a much more personal post about my fears and insecurities. Exciting stuff!

Maybe you too, can relate to this feeling? Can you or am I heading down this very slippery narcisstic slope towards peril? You know that feeling of worth and value? I definately don't want to be like some blogs out there-- without purpose, meaning and something of value to God and this world. But how do you reconcile the three: 1) those fears that are innately floating around in all of us, 2) the reality it's got nothing at all to do with you and your abilities and 3) the truth that God has created all of us with purpose and intent. How do you step out and risk the unknown praying that you're within His will to fulfill his greater commandments to love him and others? I think i've got some ideas on that-- something to do with faith-- maybe.

The Pursuit of Happyness

This weekend while I was under the weather with a severe cold I got the chance to watch the movie: The Pursuit of Happyness. For some reason, I found myself crying like a baby through out the entire movie. It was a sad movie mostly because the main character, Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith), had come on to some heavy times from unemployment, to figuring out a way to make a better life for his son, to homelessness, to sleeping in the subway bathroom overnight, to job internship without pay and so on... I felt very connected to the main character on so many levels especially as a parent and a fellow journeyer on the path of the pursuit of happyness. At one point in the film Chris sees business men and women in downtown NY and concludes that they all look happy and it was there where the film was making the connection: money= happyness. Chris sees a guy driving a sports car and says, "Hey what do you do?" And the sports car driver says, "I'm a stockbrocker". At that point Chris says, "Everyone seemed so happy". Everyone was referring to the men and women in business suits and ties, walking in and out of a down town building with very heavy brief cases and very wide smiles. It is at this point of the movie where Chris decides he must try life as a stock brocker since other avenues of work are not coming to fruition. Okay so that's a brief synopsis of the movie, but my exploration on a personal note had to do with this whole pursuit thing...

It seems to me that money (especially in this case) would have helped out a whole bunch in helping his family financially, finding housing stability and so on, thus giving peace of mind and a sense of happiness but can money really bring deep, soul contentment and happiness? Even being a Christian on the path of following the example of Christ and deepening my faith in God-- I find that I'm still in pursuit. And maybe that is what saddened me while watching this movie-- I see myself and the world around scratching around trying to find some inner peace, some joy, some happiness-- yet at times coming up so empty handed.

Maybe the true pursuit needs to be in finding connection with God despite whatever outcomes would come in our journey. Let's face it our quest for God doesn't always give us the warm, fuzzy feelings we always expect or desire but somehow in our faithfulness & steadfastness to the call I believe that it can give us the depth and contentment that only that kind of commitment can bring.

Oswald Chambers says, "Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing. The joy our Lord ecperienced came from doing what the Father sent Him to do. And He says to us, 'As the Father has sent Me, I also send you (John 20:21)'.

for more pics of my daughter and family check out my family blog at:

http://lifelovehome.blogspot.com/

Picture of 'To the Streets' on 15th and Market

To the Streets: One person, one heart at a time

Today was our monthly scheduled time to minister to the homeless through our ministry 'To the Streets'. We've been doing this for about two and a half years now. Over the past 7 years of working with the homeless I've always wondered to myself: what kind of change or transformation does this work bring to people? In fact, more often than not I'm questioned by people in our community about the work we are attempting to do through 'to the streets'. They are good, valid questions about what kind of 'real' impact are we making, what we should expect in people's lives after a certain point of helping them, etc. These are questions I often ask myself. In the past few months I've been reminded of the small steps sometimes it takes to love people. I am reminded of Christ's ministry and how he pressed forward to care for people regardless of the outcomes, especially those outcomes we can only measure with human eyes.

Then today a man who'd we worked with for the past two years came out to volunteer his time for 'To the Streets'. Ken is someone who has struggled for years with a variety of layers of homelessness-- some of the struggle having to do with chemical dependency, mental health/illness, unemployment and more. He shared how he was clean and sober and has housing in South Seattle and how the people at Quest has impacted his decision to get his life back on track. He proclaimed how he desired to get baptized and become a member of the church and how it was an opportunity for him to give back in some small way. Beyond his words the transformation in his life was so evident and clear and a testimony to all of us of Christ's work in his life. I am blessed that we had a small impact on this transformative process, but more importantly I am excited to be on the other side with him to celebrate this wonderful work. It is a testimony to me that we just don't know the work of the Spirit in every human heart. We must be faithful by believing and showing up to extend our lives in service, but not because we'll have any way to measure the work but in humility as we remember that God's Spirit is working on a level we can't sometimes see or understand. The testimony of our friend, Ken*, is evidence of that work. Who knew that a pair of socks or small tube of toothpaste could be such a window into the larger work of God?

*name has been changed to protect his identity

More attacks.

"Tonight in Mae La Refugee camp 40,000 people are sitting in their dark bamboo huts waiting for the terrible crack of light weapons, the dull thud and explosion of artillery, and the continuation of their displacement and abuse. The Thai authorities have banned all forms of light in the camp, including candles, to give the Burma Army less advantage on an offensive against this camp. This attack, they say, is imminent and should commence within hours of this email". (written by Partners eWorld)

Today I came into work and sat at my computer, as I was preparing to start my work I came across this email in my inbox. My heart immediately sank. Last year I travelled to Thailand with other fellow questers and we had a short stay at Maela Camp. Maela camp is a refuge for more than 50,000 people. It is located in Thailand and has been in existence for 20+ years. The one thing I learned in my stay there is that in the face of such oppression and persecution the Karen people held onto hope. I remember waking to the sounds of singing at 6 am in the morning and go to bed with the sounds of singing at 10 pm at night. While taking walks in the camp you could hear a choir of voices as they sang praises to God while doing their chores, walking to school, cooking and cleaning. Our last day in the camp we were asked to go to the hospital where men and women who were disabled as a result of the military regime stayed. We were able to go in and pray with these men and women and it struck me in the midst of their own personal struggles and adversities they took time to minister to us and allow joy to invade their lives and spill out onto our lives. My mind is being pulled towards these memories as I pray for safety in the midst of darkness and chaos.

In the wake of the recent events that have taken place here in Virginia I wonder: would we allow a group of people to come into any town in the states and burn down, displace, murder and destroy people and their homes? On the other side of the world innocent men, women and children are being threatened again and oppressed. Will no one help them? Will no one go to their aid and stop these attacks?

Please join me in prayer.

HOPE AWAITS

Mentally and emotionally it's been a rough couple of days-- not only for myself personally but for the larger American community. The shootings that took place on Monday at V Tech were senseless tragedies. The last day or so I've been reading the stories of the victims and my heart feels so heavy. My heart goes out to the families and loved ones who are experiencing such deep grief and loss. As a pastor, I have been deeply reflecting how I might be used here in Seattle to minister to our church community and beyond in the wake of such pain and tragedy.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts and emotions, as I feel overwhelmed. At this point all I can manage to muster is broken and indecipherable mutterings as prayers to God. And I am reminded that I only have a small window into the heart of God-- how His heart must be broken as He surveys all that he has created and watches as His creation sometimes responds in destruction and violence.

Psalm 77 reminds us:
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and in my spirit inquired:
With the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High". I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your might deeds.
Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? you are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked. Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, through your footprints were not seen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron

In the wake of such devastation and loss it is strange to keep the balance between grief and hope. But I am reminded that in God there is hope. His heart is broken; He sees; He grieves and in the shadow of such a senseless crime the truth stands: God remains.

A few other thoughts are floating in my head about this incident. Mostly in relation to the media portrayal of the crime and the perpetrator. I never really feel comfortable about how the media tends to characterize the perpetrator after incidents like these. The few things that pop out in my mind is the constant need to dissect the individual-- without an honest dialogue about the structure of our society. So in this instance, his mental stability. Although, that does provide a window into understanding that Seung was deeply disturbed and needing mental support and assistance. The fact that he checked himself into a mental hospital and was recommended by the school for psychiatric services acknowledges the reality that Seung needed help. The way that the media portrays his mental instability is that it should have been one of the primary indicators for being able to prevent this crime. However, there are people who are mentally disturbed and check themselves into psychiatric hospitals everyday and that does not mean that they are going to go on a killing spree. So in saying all of that, my hope is that the aspect of his mental health, although an important door into helping us understand better what he was going through and possibly thinking, should give us a larger perspective into his story but should not be the primary means in which we look at people in order to prevent these sorts of crimes. I don't want to see this become another level of stigmatization and discrimination of those who suffer from mental illness. People that might share the same characteristics as Seung (that the media has portrayed) such as a loner, a person who didn't like eye contact, angry, someone who didn't speak much, etc. be perceived or targeted as potential perpetrators in our society based on those commonalities. There is absolutely no excuse for what Seung did, but it makes me wonder, "what happened to him that would make him do this"? and "how did he slip through the cracks"? It's not like he just woke up one day and decided to be a loner-- somehow he felt (based on some of the transcripts of his writing and manifesto I've read) that he was on the margins of society. People may argue that we do need to look at the individual in order to prevent such things from occurring in the future and I don't argue against that, but I do think there needs to be a balance between also looking at the societal structures in place such as our fascination with violence and guns, how our society's entertainment is centered around violence, gun control, etc. I'm not going to talk about that much because David Leong has covered that pretty well on his blog about being peacemakers in a world of violence. Check it out at: http://wordful.wordpress.com/

Another aspect of the media's portrayal that disturbs me is the emphasis on his race and the fact that he immigrated to the states. In light of the dialogues floating around about immigration policies and terrorism I wonder how this incident will again heighten the fears Americans have around issues of immigration. I fear connections will be made that the fact that Seung was an immigrant makes this some level of terrorism-- only perpetuating our paranoia about such issues of immigration, homeland security, etc. Maybe I'm far reaching but it's been in the back of mind. I'm no expert, but I'm just thinking out loud. Also, it's aggravating to see so much emphasis on his immigration status being that he migrated here when he was 8 years old. He was raised in America. I fear the negative repercussions this portrayal will have on other immigrants and the Asian- American community.

Lastly, I also grieve with my Asian-American community, as I know this has impacted our community here at Quest. Quest is a multi-cultural church and about 45% of our congregation is Asian-America. Of that 45% a large majority are Korean-American. Our lead pastor's last name is Cho. And unfortunately people say and do stupid things like assume there is some connection to the perpetrator because of the same last name, ethnicity, etc. Koreans in Seattle have already felt discrimination because of their ethnic connection to the killer in Virginia. My prayers are for protection against these injustices.

This has been an emotionally exhausting week and I think in the next few days/ weeks I'll blog more about some of my thoughts... But for now I leave it at that and refocus my attentions on the hope of Christ. My heart joins the families and victims of this tragedy.

He has risen.

Holy week-- this week is such an important week in the tradition of the Christian faith. The opportunity the church has to stop and reflect on the passion of Christ is an important and rich tradition of the faith-- one that must not be overlooked or quickly passed by, but a chance for each person to pause during this privileged time to remember God's grace and the sacrifice that had to happen in order for any of us to receive this gift. As I recall from the Good Friday service last week and I quote, "we are meant to be the people of Good Friday". In other words, people that remember the darkness of that day, the loneliness Christ felt on the cross, the betrayal of the people and then his death. Not as people of the 21st century detached from the reality of that time, but people striving to join the church in the grief that was bore for our iniquities.

And now today: Easter! He has risen. He is alive! What a great revelation of God's mystery shown to us on the cross and through the resurrection and defeat Christ conquered over death and sin. You and I, friends, can partake in this new covenant of God's grace and mercy.

And even as I write this post and God reveals His truth to me I confess that I haven't spent the kind of time in reflection and quiet to remember this Holy season. I've struggled at being too inwardly focused. I share this as an encouragement that even in the midst of our selfishness God continues to reveal himself to us that we might be people who look outwardly towards Him and others. We never just 'arrive'. On the other hand, we stay on the journey of redemption, as God continues to show himself to us and we are given the choice to turn our heads once again towards our Savior: Jesus Christ, the risen Lord.

Amen.

PS. Please pray for my daughter Isabelle Rose. Yesterday we rushed her to the ER, as she had a 106 degree temperature and was diagnosed with pneumonia. It'll be awhile for her full recovery. Please pray that she can eat, drink and get enough oxygen in her body. Thanks in advance for your prayers.

counting blessings

a new year and with a new year comes much reflection and contemplation on life, the future, the past, the present, family and more. i think when you are in ministry there is always this fine line of losing perspective on the growth that has taken place in your life, as well as the maturity that needs to continue to grow in your heart, mind and soul. i know that in the busy life i lead that i get too easily caught up on those things that don't really matter like how i perform and if i remain good enough in the daily tasks of my life-- as opposed to being pliable and moldable in my life-- to be used as i am called in each moment. i easily rely on my own strengths and capabilities and forget that i first need to lean on god for all strength, peace, wisdom and understanding. and although this seems to be a reoccuring theme and lesson in my life-- i forget all too easily.

this last saturday we hosted a prayer service and i think that for the first time in a long time i came to an understanding or at least i was reminded (again) of the peace that god has to offer. it is not in what i know or how i perform but it is about if i am faithful in showing up and allowing god to use those aspects of my dignity and depravity to minister to others and bring glory to his name. it is much less about myself and much more about god and others.

i'm counting my blessings because i'm realizing that god doesn't give up. he just keeps doing this good work in my life (in all our lives). i'm thankful that he sees beyond all my insecurities & shortcomings-- he sees beyond my stubborness and unwillingness to allow his spirit to move and he just keeps doing the work that needs to be done in spite of myself. today i am completely in awe of that truth. i am humbled and brought to my knees again because i realize i can't do anything with out him-- not anything of value, because when i try it always comes back around to me. i'm thankful that he doesn't fail to open my eyes to my sin, my selfishness but shows me so that i can choose a different path and so that i can choose (again) to follow and trust him. he is a good and benevolent god-- a god who allows me in my brokenness to serve. i am overwhelmed with so much thankfulness.

praise be to god.