God is good.

Today i've been reflecting on this past year, my story and the people God has brought into my life. It is amazing to see the change that God has orchestrated in the last 2 years. He's brought to us a new community, new family, new baby, new perspective... I'm overwhelmed as I reflect on his faithfulness to us. Today I spent some time with a good friend. She is a friend who makes me think, who processes with me, who encourages me, who celebrates me and who recognizes all the changes in me. She is truly a reflection of God's face in my life. She offers grace, mercy, truth, wisdom, love and care. God brought her into my life to cultivate growth and redemption.

As I was talking with her, I realized all these changes that had been going on inside me (on a personal level). I'm getting ready to speak in a few weeks and I've really been reflecting on why i'm in the place where I am ready to speak and share what God has laid on my heart. I've been at Quest now for two years and for the first year and a half I've kind of functioned out of my fears and doubts. After I came back from my maternity leave I felt like my weaknesses were magnified ten fold. I felt so insecure, so unsure of my calling and the purpose God has for my life that I even questioned his ability to use me for his redemptive purposes. I started reading Luke. Luke 7 has one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible. It is the story when Jesus is annointed by a sinful woman. I love this story. In fact, when I was in seminary I wrote a song about her. In the past when I've read this story I simply focused on the beauty of this woman's sacrifice and her great love for Christ. The interplay between her love and faith in Christ and Christ's offering of grace and acceptance is amazing. But this time around I saw some things I hadn't recognized before. First of all, this woman was truly bold. Her life of adultery and sin is specifically underlined in this text. I think it is important to recognize that because of the culture she would not be accepted. In that time, she could have been stoned for approaching a teacher, a man especially in light of her sin. Secondly, she is a woman. Women in those times rarely approached men in this manner. Her actions could have been easily mis-interpreted. And in fact, they were mis-interpreted by the Pharisees. But Jesus sees her heart. He recognizes her love. Her faith and belief in His ministry and his life is acknowledged by Jesus. In turn, Jesus offers forgiveness and grace. I'm blown away by her boldness to take the risk to approach Jesus. The risks included her being killed, humiliated, rejected, scorned and persecuted. I think she was aware of that reality and yet she went to him. Her actions are bold. She took a jar of very expensive perfume and poured it over Jesus, she washed his feet with her tears, and wiped them with her hair. These are courageous actions. When we truly love we are willing to sacrifice all the risks that are involved.

Looking at this past year and realizing that I respond out of fear, rather than love is pretty convicting. In my fears I doubt the purpose God has given my life. I don't trust His calling. I'm afraid to be bold because of how it may be interpreted. So I stay still, low-key, afraid. God is calling me to live boldly, to trust his leading and to believe in his purpose for my life. He calls me to discernment, wisdom and to using my voice.

Pretty cool.

This past month we've (our church) has been in a series entitled 'faith and race'. This has been such an important opportunity for out church to engage our faith and the dynamics of race. We studied and talked about racialization, systemic racism, white priveledge, prejudice, stereotypes... needless to say, these terms have given us much to think about and wrestle with. It is sad to think that the 'church' doesn't address these issues. Thus, contributing to the ignorance and inability to understand the dynamics of race and race relations in the church. How do we begin reconciliation if we don't understand the experiences, history, and perspectives of those around us? A particular piece of text that impacted me was the historical depiction and record of the Native American people. Historically Christianity was used to colonize and enslave people of minority status. Native American's were referred to as 'savages' which gave Christians a means to justify their actions in stripping the Natives of their heritage, culture and identity. As Christians what is our responsibility when we look at the history? How do we share the gospel when the gospel has been used to assimilate 'others' to fit our systemtematic ideologies of norms? If we are truly a community commited to supporting missions and evangelization, how do we preserve and celebrate culture while incorporating the gospel? Typically the gospel has meant 'white' to minority groups of people. How do we communicate Christ's love and grace when historically it's been used to exploit other people?

We've got a lot to think about and process through. My hope is that this series is a catalyst to continue the dialogue and to motivate us to celebrate in our differences.

Daily Reminders

This year has been both a joyous year and a year of grief. We welcomed our daughter, Isabelle Rose into this world on March 3rd. What an amazing addition she has been to our family. Every day I am humbled just a little more by her presence in our lives. After I had Isabelle I dealt with some Post-partum which I was surprised by. You really do not know what it is like until you experience it. And it was really hard and isolating. After much discernment and contemplation, a friendship of 20 years ended which was a source of a lot of grief. And here I am today trying to make sense and find meaning in all of it. Although, I know God has a purpose for everything, the good and the bad, I am trying to see where I fit into all of this. I believe that all things fall into God's will and even though he may not intend for painful and grievious events to take place in our lives sometimes it is our will that creates these struggles. Sometimes it is our will that interrupts the will of God's redemption. When relationships end how does that fall into God's purpose and plan? If I believe that God is a God of reconciliation, forgiveness and grace what do those words mean in the moment when relationships might be more edifying in their termination than their survival? I'm certainly not ready to answer these questions, because I have no answers. Sometimes it's a matter of grieving the loss and realizing that there are no simple answers. We want to compartmentalize these events into God's plan... maybe it is not God's plan... maybe it is our sin. I don't know. I know that it is painful. It is hard. And I will always wish for redemption today.

leaving sun

it is cold
dark
and wet with tears
this haven
is thinning and gone
one last embrace
one last kiss upon your face
like leaving the sun
20 years today I knew you
where crickets sang
leaves danced
red polka dots
melted in tiny hands
where lines took forms
in endless patterns of waves
where eyes looked straight
and narrow
and senses grew to love
the innocence of picking petals
smelling pine
drinking laughter
vulnerable affections peered in
gazed out
warm orange afternoons
reminded us to remember
the glow
of knowing and being known
and it is here
where I was known.