A new day.
I've been wrestling with a few different items these past few weeks: sacrifice and submission.
A few weeks ago, I met with a friend over hamburgers. We meet regularly to talk poetry. Our conversations always evolve into life matters and this particular day we began to discuss sacrifice. He was stating that he did not particularly jive with Heideggar's definition of sacrifice. Being that I never read this definition I asked him what in particular he didn't like about it and how he would define sacrifice. He continued by saying that he didn't believe that sacrifice was the giving of something to someone (whether it be a god or a person) but that sacrifice was an act that should only free oneself. I struggled with that definition as I started to think of sacrifice in terms of Christ and God. I almost don't see the point of 'sacrifice' if it doesn't have a recepient. For instance, in my marriage I come to a crossroads daily to sacrifice. Sometimes the sacrifices are small and sometimes they are big. I remember the time Frank went to the Navy and how painful that was to be seperated from each other, but I feel that it was a sacrifice we both made in order to benefit our family. Likewise, I think of Christ's sacrifice on the cross what would be the point of this gift if it was only to free himself. I see this clearly as an act towards 'us' the reciepients of his grace, mercy and compassion. I admit that I need this gift daily. For it is not in my own strength that I can overcome my weaknesses, my selfishness, my pride. And without his gift/ his sacrifice I would not be able to in turn give. I could not serve others. I could not work with the homeless. I could not feel compassion. And even with his grace, I still fail. But it gives me hope to live, to get up and try again, to struggle well and to rest.
Monday, September 29, 2003
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
I made it home. That is my parents home. It feels strange to be back and i've found that i'm restless. Coming into this old country town brings back so many good and painful memories... When I lived here I always felt some ambivalence for this valley: I hated it, because there was (is) nothing to do and I loved it, because it is where I went to college and it is where I met Frank. Just like any place the good and the bad showed itself to me. But returning here for an entire week has been strange. It was rodeo weekend and as much as I try to relate to the country culture... actually that is a lie. I don't try to relate. It repulses me. All my ideal values come up when I'm here and the conservative ideals of this country begin to annoy me. But I find that I'm restless for other reasons... This trip has been painful. On Monday, I was tempted to find a way to get back home, but then I realized that this is exactly where God wants me.
The past few months I've been feeling God chip away at my heart. My pride has become increasingly set. So in the process of becoming humbled I've been struck with how completely prideful my heart has become. In my pride, i've found a way to bypass the need for God and to rely on my own strength. So when I came here I thought that it was just a great idea to get away from the cilty and rest, but I've found that there is so much more to this visit. I realized on Monday that my home (Seattle) was the last place He wanted me to be. In the city I can run, I can hide, I can find a place to escape, but here it is just me. So here I am five days into my visit and I feel broken, inept and insecure. This week is not over so I'm just waiting to see where it leads me. I'm praying for humility, peace and hope. Humility to fall to my knees, peace to calm my troubled soul and a hope that goes beyond my understanding. And rest. I've realized that the rest I've needed is not just a physical need, but a spiritual necessity.
The past few months I've been feeling God chip away at my heart. My pride has become increasingly set. So in the process of becoming humbled I've been struck with how completely prideful my heart has become. In my pride, i've found a way to bypass the need for God and to rely on my own strength. So when I came here I thought that it was just a great idea to get away from the cilty and rest, but I've found that there is so much more to this visit. I realized on Monday that my home (Seattle) was the last place He wanted me to be. In the city I can run, I can hide, I can find a place to escape, but here it is just me. So here I am five days into my visit and I feel broken, inept and insecure. This week is not over so I'm just waiting to see where it leads me. I'm praying for humility, peace and hope. Humility to fall to my knees, peace to calm my troubled soul and a hope that goes beyond my understanding. And rest. I've realized that the rest I've needed is not just a physical need, but a spiritual necessity.
Friday, August 15, 2003
Monday, August 11, 2003
A friend of mine mentioned the other day that I had stopped blogging... I'd kind of forgotten about my blog with all the sudden changes, but I made a decision that I will faithfully blog each week. Today's entry will be particularly long, as I need to catch up with my lack of communication.
Quiet: My confessions
A while back I was reading a book about Cambodia and the torture that many Cambodians faced in the years of the Khemer Rouge. A story in that book that particularly struck me was about a buddhist monk. During the time of the Khemer Rouge many men and women were killed if they were educated, if they were monks and if they were related to anyone that was affluent in education or resources. So the survival of this female monk is a miracle. Many Cambodians found that their only hope of survival was to lie about their background. She, on the other hand, felt that her only refuge was to keep her faith. She continued to dress in monk attire, practice meditation and be honest about who she was. Of course, there is a story as to how she came to be a monk... but what is most striking about her story is that she was unwilling to trade her spiritual survival for physical survival. In all the chaos, in all the tragedy, in all the insanity of her time she survived by clinging to her passion.
As I reflect on this story, I can't remember a time in my life where I have ever had to cling to my faith for survival. I can't remember a time where it is my faith that I had to rely on in order to survive. Each day is a choice: I believe or I don't believe. So often that process is done on my whim. And in my contemplation I realize that a central theme of her story that is lacking in mine is quiet. Both the need for it and the search for it. When I was in seminary I participated in a class on spirituality. One of our assignments was to spend a day (as a class) at a monastary and there was no speaking allowed. It was entitled, 'A day of silence'. I found that the first two hours I was cool. I journaled. I read. I journaled some more. I wrote poetry. And then I couldn't handle it anymore. My class mates were sitting in different areas and the temptation would rise in me to start up a conversation. So I would move to a more isolated area of the monastary and what I found was that I could quiet myself physically, but I could not quiet myself spiritually, emotionally or mentally. I literally felt my life screaming. This remains true today. And i've realized that it is in the quiet where I must rely on God the most. There is no place to hide in the quiet. There is no place to go in the quiet. There is nothing to do in the quiet. There is only me and him.
Most might say, 'Who cares. Why worry yourself over this kind of ineptness?'. But I think why it disturbes me the most is because I know that in the chaos of my life I've created a sort of self-reliance. You see, I know I can do just about anything I put my mind to. When I was an undergrad I decided well I'm not just going to get a Bachelor of Arts... I'll get a Bachelor of Science. I won't stop there I'll get myself a Masters. Oh and while getting a Masters I can work 50 hours a week managing a cafe. I'll change lives and get a job at Friends of Youth and counsel pregnant young women. I can direct a community center... And the list never ends. My conviction is that I've found a sense of pride in my ability to take on any feat. I've found a comfort in my ability to tackle any goal that I set for myself. I've found a sense of independence in my not needing God, because I have my own strength to rely on.
So now some might say, 'What's the big deal? Hard work is the American way'. But I know I am convicted. When I reflect on this I see that there was a place inside of me where I said, 'I will never have to rely on anyone else. I will prove to everyone that I am competant and able'. At the core of my soul is the acclamation that 'I will never again be humiliated and not only will I never be humiliated-- I will prove that I am worthy of goodness'. And 'anyone and everyone' was inclusive of God. My reliability on 'self' is my exclusion of God.
So why now? Why ponder these questions now? My strategy has seemed to work. I guess it is because I've found I can't continue at this pace. But most of all, I've found that I don't want to live in isolation. My fight with silence is my fight with God. I am struggling to keep him at arms length for fear he may really see what I've been desperately trying to keep from everyone: That I am weak. I am in need of grace. In my pride, I don't need a Savior. In my pride, I can save myself. Yet, he calls me to be quiet. For it is there where he longs to find me. It is there where he wants to find us all. It is there where he can reach us, speak to us and commune with us.
Yesterday in church we read Psalm 62... In the end the psalmist says, 'One thing has been said. Two things I have heard. One that God is strong and two that the Lord is loving (DeAnza's translation)'. There it is... Hope. So when will I rest in God's strength? When will I allow him to love me?
Quiet: My confessions
A while back I was reading a book about Cambodia and the torture that many Cambodians faced in the years of the Khemer Rouge. A story in that book that particularly struck me was about a buddhist monk. During the time of the Khemer Rouge many men and women were killed if they were educated, if they were monks and if they were related to anyone that was affluent in education or resources. So the survival of this female monk is a miracle. Many Cambodians found that their only hope of survival was to lie about their background. She, on the other hand, felt that her only refuge was to keep her faith. She continued to dress in monk attire, practice meditation and be honest about who she was. Of course, there is a story as to how she came to be a monk... but what is most striking about her story is that she was unwilling to trade her spiritual survival for physical survival. In all the chaos, in all the tragedy, in all the insanity of her time she survived by clinging to her passion.
As I reflect on this story, I can't remember a time in my life where I have ever had to cling to my faith for survival. I can't remember a time where it is my faith that I had to rely on in order to survive. Each day is a choice: I believe or I don't believe. So often that process is done on my whim. And in my contemplation I realize that a central theme of her story that is lacking in mine is quiet. Both the need for it and the search for it. When I was in seminary I participated in a class on spirituality. One of our assignments was to spend a day (as a class) at a monastary and there was no speaking allowed. It was entitled, 'A day of silence'. I found that the first two hours I was cool. I journaled. I read. I journaled some more. I wrote poetry. And then I couldn't handle it anymore. My class mates were sitting in different areas and the temptation would rise in me to start up a conversation. So I would move to a more isolated area of the monastary and what I found was that I could quiet myself physically, but I could not quiet myself spiritually, emotionally or mentally. I literally felt my life screaming. This remains true today. And i've realized that it is in the quiet where I must rely on God the most. There is no place to hide in the quiet. There is no place to go in the quiet. There is nothing to do in the quiet. There is only me and him.
Most might say, 'Who cares. Why worry yourself over this kind of ineptness?'. But I think why it disturbes me the most is because I know that in the chaos of my life I've created a sort of self-reliance. You see, I know I can do just about anything I put my mind to. When I was an undergrad I decided well I'm not just going to get a Bachelor of Arts... I'll get a Bachelor of Science. I won't stop there I'll get myself a Masters. Oh and while getting a Masters I can work 50 hours a week managing a cafe. I'll change lives and get a job at Friends of Youth and counsel pregnant young women. I can direct a community center... And the list never ends. My conviction is that I've found a sense of pride in my ability to take on any feat. I've found a comfort in my ability to tackle any goal that I set for myself. I've found a sense of independence in my not needing God, because I have my own strength to rely on.
So now some might say, 'What's the big deal? Hard work is the American way'. But I know I am convicted. When I reflect on this I see that there was a place inside of me where I said, 'I will never have to rely on anyone else. I will prove to everyone that I am competant and able'. At the core of my soul is the acclamation that 'I will never again be humiliated and not only will I never be humiliated-- I will prove that I am worthy of goodness'. And 'anyone and everyone' was inclusive of God. My reliability on 'self' is my exclusion of God.
So why now? Why ponder these questions now? My strategy has seemed to work. I guess it is because I've found I can't continue at this pace. But most of all, I've found that I don't want to live in isolation. My fight with silence is my fight with God. I am struggling to keep him at arms length for fear he may really see what I've been desperately trying to keep from everyone: That I am weak. I am in need of grace. In my pride, I don't need a Savior. In my pride, I can save myself. Yet, he calls me to be quiet. For it is there where he longs to find me. It is there where he wants to find us all. It is there where he can reach us, speak to us and commune with us.
Yesterday in church we read Psalm 62... In the end the psalmist says, 'One thing has been said. Two things I have heard. One that God is strong and two that the Lord is loving (DeAnza's translation)'. There it is... Hope. So when will I rest in God's strength? When will I allow him to love me?
Monday, July 07, 2003
Transitions
Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I never realized how quickly and drastically life changes until I saw those two little lines appear on my EPT test. My life feels like it has been turned on its head. My choices no longer just effect me-- they effect a small baby inside of me, too. The irony of this change of events is that Frank and I had discussed the possibility of NEVER having children just weeks prior to this surprise. Yet, life turns and here I am-- pregnant.
For weeks I have been so scared with my 'new' reality. I am going to be a mother. I am going to be responsible for someone other than myself. After this discovery the first few days I tossed and turned at night and then I realized that I was afraid of making all the mistakes I fear to make-- the mistakes that i've been pointing out in my own parents for years. All my complaints, all my whinings could be echoed by this little one about me... How selfish-- how immature to think about my pride when there is someone who will need my care... And I've realized that I must become less.
My prayer is that in these next seven months that God would prepare my heart to be more than I dreamed. I pray that I will seek wisdom in each decision that I make. I pray that I would have grace and also allow myself room to fail-- always ready to repent.
Two weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I never realized how quickly and drastically life changes until I saw those two little lines appear on my EPT test. My life feels like it has been turned on its head. My choices no longer just effect me-- they effect a small baby inside of me, too. The irony of this change of events is that Frank and I had discussed the possibility of NEVER having children just weeks prior to this surprise. Yet, life turns and here I am-- pregnant.
For weeks I have been so scared with my 'new' reality. I am going to be a mother. I am going to be responsible for someone other than myself. After this discovery the first few days I tossed and turned at night and then I realized that I was afraid of making all the mistakes I fear to make-- the mistakes that i've been pointing out in my own parents for years. All my complaints, all my whinings could be echoed by this little one about me... How selfish-- how immature to think about my pride when there is someone who will need my care... And I've realized that I must become less.
My prayer is that in these next seven months that God would prepare my heart to be more than I dreamed. I pray that I will seek wisdom in each decision that I make. I pray that I would have grace and also allow myself room to fail-- always ready to repent.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
I've been so busy lately I haven't been able to blog. This week has been a strange week. Many exciting and painful events have happened this week in the lives of those in my community. I'm not sure how to process each... I guess I should start by saying, "I'm overwhelmed". And I am learning to stay 'present' to do both: to weep with those who mourn and to rejoice with those who rejoice. Finding balance between both.
I am overwhelmed with God's faithfulness, in light of our waivering trust in Him. This week has been a restless week for me... i've been tossing and turning with so much joy and so much grief... I've grieved lives leaving and rejoiced in new lives beginning and in each I've felt a deep sense of God's presence. This reassures me that God is good... to make himself alive in all circumstances. I'm reminded that I must keep my eyes open-- ready for each new surprise. I must keep moving forward in anticipation that God's strength and comfort will envelop me.
I love Isaiah. The theme of Isaiah is: to remember. (Isaiah 46:8-11)
"Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
We must remember the past in order to rejoice in God's presence. Remember the past in order to be reminded of where God has brought us from. I am in awe. I pray to remember... that I may be humbled.
I am overwhelmed with God's faithfulness, in light of our waivering trust in Him. This week has been a restless week for me... i've been tossing and turning with so much joy and so much grief... I've grieved lives leaving and rejoiced in new lives beginning and in each I've felt a deep sense of God's presence. This reassures me that God is good... to make himself alive in all circumstances. I'm reminded that I must keep my eyes open-- ready for each new surprise. I must keep moving forward in anticipation that God's strength and comfort will envelop me.
I love Isaiah. The theme of Isaiah is: to remember. (Isaiah 46:8-11)
"Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.
Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.
We must remember the past in order to rejoice in God's presence. Remember the past in order to be reminded of where God has brought us from. I am in awe. I pray to remember... that I may be humbled.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Can we ever know God's goodness? Or do we just have to have faith and believe that He is good?
This has been an ongoing conversation in my C group for months. It seems that we all are in different areas as we dialogue about God's goodness. And it has been a place where I have wrestled time and time again. But when it comes down to it... I'm tired. My wrestling is my unwillingness to surrender to God's grace. You see, I've come to a place where I just have to have faith that God is good... That he is just... That he is sovereign. Once I surrender in faith I realize that the evidence of God's goodness is evident in my life: The hope of my salvation. Could I even be blogging about this matter if he wasn't good? Could I even contemplate his goodness if he didn't make himself present in my life?
But that doesn't mean that I blindly just say, 'God is Good'. Because let's face it suffering exists... In light of suffering, we question where God's goodness exists? So i've been contemplating the weight sin has on suffering. Talking with a friend about this, she said that God's goodness is not something we can comprehend. In fact many mystics, only refer to what God is not, as opposed to what God is. Which raised the question: if we say what God is not 'something' aren't we also saying the opposite: what he is. For example, if we say God is not merciful... aren't we in turn saying God is merciful?
As brought up in C group, God made us with free will... is this part of his goodness? I am glad to be able to make choices, but as a result do I not have responsibilty for the sin I choose and if I choose sin why does that negate God's goodness in my mind? Shouldn't that only underline my weakness? Which brings up the question: Why do innocent people face immense suffering? And this brings me to the idea of residual sin or generational sin. In I Kings Solomon commited many sins: had multiple wives outside of his race, attempted murder, worshiped idols and the list continues. But the consequences of his sin are paid by his sons. God says, "I will not take the whole kingdom our of Solomon's hand... I will take the kingdom out of his son's hands..." My point is that even if we choose not to sin (see post 6/8/2003), as we do have the ability to choose never to sin... we will always face the consequences of sin because of the falleness of our world and due to past sins of our fore fathers and mothers.
In the end, I realize that I must believe in God's goodness and be ready to see the evidence of His goodness daily. I am so blessed as I see him reveal himself to me through my husband's comforting arms, the women who pray for me, my friend who inspires me to seek wisdom, my community, my pastor who is always raising the bar for me to become more... In this, I can not deny his goodness. And sometimes my resistence is in realizing his goodness is too good for my disdained soul. I must receive his grace so that in His strength I can in turn give it.
This has been an ongoing conversation in my C group for months. It seems that we all are in different areas as we dialogue about God's goodness. And it has been a place where I have wrestled time and time again. But when it comes down to it... I'm tired. My wrestling is my unwillingness to surrender to God's grace. You see, I've come to a place where I just have to have faith that God is good... That he is just... That he is sovereign. Once I surrender in faith I realize that the evidence of God's goodness is evident in my life: The hope of my salvation. Could I even be blogging about this matter if he wasn't good? Could I even contemplate his goodness if he didn't make himself present in my life?
But that doesn't mean that I blindly just say, 'God is Good'. Because let's face it suffering exists... In light of suffering, we question where God's goodness exists? So i've been contemplating the weight sin has on suffering. Talking with a friend about this, she said that God's goodness is not something we can comprehend. In fact many mystics, only refer to what God is not, as opposed to what God is. Which raised the question: if we say what God is not 'something' aren't we also saying the opposite: what he is. For example, if we say God is not merciful... aren't we in turn saying God is merciful?
As brought up in C group, God made us with free will... is this part of his goodness? I am glad to be able to make choices, but as a result do I not have responsibilty for the sin I choose and if I choose sin why does that negate God's goodness in my mind? Shouldn't that only underline my weakness? Which brings up the question: Why do innocent people face immense suffering? And this brings me to the idea of residual sin or generational sin. In I Kings Solomon commited many sins: had multiple wives outside of his race, attempted murder, worshiped idols and the list continues. But the consequences of his sin are paid by his sons. God says, "I will not take the whole kingdom our of Solomon's hand... I will take the kingdom out of his son's hands..." My point is that even if we choose not to sin (see post 6/8/2003), as we do have the ability to choose never to sin... we will always face the consequences of sin because of the falleness of our world and due to past sins of our fore fathers and mothers.
In the end, I realize that I must believe in God's goodness and be ready to see the evidence of His goodness daily. I am so blessed as I see him reveal himself to me through my husband's comforting arms, the women who pray for me, my friend who inspires me to seek wisdom, my community, my pastor who is always raising the bar for me to become more... In this, I can not deny his goodness. And sometimes my resistence is in realizing his goodness is too good for my disdained soul. I must receive his grace so that in His strength I can in turn give it.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Last night I watched a documentary on Cambodia. The film documented the turmoil that Cambodia has faced, particularly in the 70's. The story was told by a man, a flute player who was about 12 when the Khemer Rouge took over and seperated him from his family. He gives an account of the horror that this people faced. Two million people were killed over a course of four years when the Khemer Rouge took over. People were seperated from their families, made to work from 4 am to 12 am every day. People starved to death. Some were tortured. While others were murdered. This man, this flute player went back to Cambodia to try to revive the culture and arts of his people through music. And the pain that he went through is unimaginable. His work is to inspire others to leave a legacy behind-- to be remembered for their culture rather than their killing fields.
Which brings me to this place: I am ashamed that I am so self-absorbed. I am ashamed that I see my struggle as suffering in light of others starving and dying in other parts of the world. I'm ashamed that I take for granted my 'priveledge'... my 'blessing' by not recognizing it... I think that I know pain...
I pray that my heart will be changed to be compassionate... to fight for justice... to love the broken... to feed the poor... to be humbled.
Which brings me to this place: I am ashamed that I am so self-absorbed. I am ashamed that I see my struggle as suffering in light of others starving and dying in other parts of the world. I'm ashamed that I take for granted my 'priveledge'... my 'blessing' by not recognizing it... I think that I know pain...
I pray that my heart will be changed to be compassionate... to fight for justice... to love the broken... to feed the poor... to be humbled.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
I spoke with a friend about the previous post about desire and isolation and she brought up a good thought about having a harder time staying engaged in relationship when the 'other' shows her goodness. Thus, bringing me to this post: the paradox of dignity and depravity.
In C group someone said that he would prefer to earn his salvation rather than it be a gift through grace. Why is grace and unconditional love so hard for us to receive? As Christians our whole theology is based on grace, and yet we are so unwilling to receive. I say 'unwilling' because I really think that it is a way for us to maintain 'control' of our existence. If we can control-- we don't need to die to ourselves. Which I think is the greatest sin... not dieing to self and staying in control. Our depravity is that we want to do 'this' apart from God. And the pull between his dignity and our sin maintains our constant chaos. We want forgiveness... we don't want grace... we want salvation... we want to earn it... we want we want we want-- I want! And the cycle continues... In C group our leader talked about coming to a place where we can choose not to sin... and the only way that we can choose not to sin is to die to self and rely on Christ.
Relationship is key to this dynamic. As relationship provides us with a mirror of ourselves. We are subjective beings. In relationship the 'other' shows us how we sin and fail both directly and indirectly. Frank and I have struggled in our marriage. I used to think that if I did this, this and this we would have a perfect marriage-- free of struggle and pain. Then I realized that Frank is the one I struggle with most-- the one I feel the most pain with because it is relationship with him where I live out my depravity. You see, I do this in all relationships but with Frank I can't hide. Relationship is humbling... it mirrors our weakness...
I experienced some pain in the context of a group that I go to. I felt unseen, unheard, unexperienced and uncared for... my instinct is to hide... run... flee... (fight or flight) so I left and on my drive home as I was crying out I realized that God has called me to relationship regardless if people see me, hear me, care for me, etc. I realized that Jesus experienced this relational element of pain. In the garden of Gethsethme those that claimed to love him fell asleep... His last night on this earth... they fell asleep on him. Christ just handled his pain much better than I ever do-- giving himself over and dying on a cross. I handle it by retaliating and making others pay. I realized it's time to grow up, humble myself and stay in relationship. And when grace is too good for me to recieve (in my perception) I must recognize that in faith I must believe that there's not a damn thing I can do to earn it. I must surrender myself to the goodness of God that I may become less and He become more.
In C group someone said that he would prefer to earn his salvation rather than it be a gift through grace. Why is grace and unconditional love so hard for us to receive? As Christians our whole theology is based on grace, and yet we are so unwilling to receive. I say 'unwilling' because I really think that it is a way for us to maintain 'control' of our existence. If we can control-- we don't need to die to ourselves. Which I think is the greatest sin... not dieing to self and staying in control. Our depravity is that we want to do 'this' apart from God. And the pull between his dignity and our sin maintains our constant chaos. We want forgiveness... we don't want grace... we want salvation... we want to earn it... we want we want we want-- I want! And the cycle continues... In C group our leader talked about coming to a place where we can choose not to sin... and the only way that we can choose not to sin is to die to self and rely on Christ.
Relationship is key to this dynamic. As relationship provides us with a mirror of ourselves. We are subjective beings. In relationship the 'other' shows us how we sin and fail both directly and indirectly. Frank and I have struggled in our marriage. I used to think that if I did this, this and this we would have a perfect marriage-- free of struggle and pain. Then I realized that Frank is the one I struggle with most-- the one I feel the most pain with because it is relationship with him where I live out my depravity. You see, I do this in all relationships but with Frank I can't hide. Relationship is humbling... it mirrors our weakness...
I experienced some pain in the context of a group that I go to. I felt unseen, unheard, unexperienced and uncared for... my instinct is to hide... run... flee... (fight or flight) so I left and on my drive home as I was crying out I realized that God has called me to relationship regardless if people see me, hear me, care for me, etc. I realized that Jesus experienced this relational element of pain. In the garden of Gethsethme those that claimed to love him fell asleep... His last night on this earth... they fell asleep on him. Christ just handled his pain much better than I ever do-- giving himself over and dying on a cross. I handle it by retaliating and making others pay. I realized it's time to grow up, humble myself and stay in relationship. And when grace is too good for me to recieve (in my perception) I must recognize that in faith I must believe that there's not a damn thing I can do to earn it. I must surrender myself to the goodness of God that I may become less and He become more.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Taking action!
Previously I posted about our responsibility to advocate on behalf of others. Well, now we have an opportunity to put our efforts together to help those in Burma.
Things are worse than my previous post. The regime is systematically killing leaders of the National League of Democracy.
Please read the material below. Get involved. Our prayers and our action is needed.
Excerpts from Democratic Voice of Burma, June 4, 2003
1. According to the sources closed to the military, Northwestern
military command informed to the department of prisons that 32 criminal
prisoners, who were taken by the northwestern military command on May 25 for
military operation, died during their assignment. DVB assumed that these
criminal prisoners were used to attack Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and her entourage
on May 30, 2003 with the promise of cash rewards and freedom, by the
military.
DVB also assumed that they were killed by the military to cover up the
whole incident.
2. Thein Oo and Soe Win, both are officer in-charge of the NLD
headquarter, were arrested yesterday night, by the military.
3. NLD's Moe Goat township committee members were arrested yesterday.
4. U Saw Khin, MP elect from Myin Gyan township and who accompanied
with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was seriously injured during the attack. He is in
Mon Ywar hospital, but not allowed to meet with anyone.
5. U Tin Aung, MP elect from North-Western Mandalay and who
accompanied with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was assumed to be dead. His family conducted
the funeral yesterday.
6. The regime continues to arrest members of the NLD nationwide. Many
people are in hiding.
Suu Kyi 'injured in violent protests'
How to get involved:
"Today Senator McConnell and Congressman Lantos introduced
major legislation on Burma, and tomorrow we will launch an all-out effort
to get as many members of Congress as possible on board.
Please do everything in your power to help. Get your members of
Congress on board, send checks or make donations online, and call and tell your
friends. It's time to do our part. Working together, we can."
Previously I posted about our responsibility to advocate on behalf of others. Well, now we have an opportunity to put our efforts together to help those in Burma.
Things are worse than my previous post. The regime is systematically killing leaders of the National League of Democracy.
Please read the material below. Get involved. Our prayers and our action is needed.
Excerpts from Democratic Voice of Burma, June 4, 2003
1. According to the sources closed to the military, Northwestern
military command informed to the department of prisons that 32 criminal
prisoners, who were taken by the northwestern military command on May 25 for
military operation, died during their assignment. DVB assumed that these
criminal prisoners were used to attack Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and her entourage
on May 30, 2003 with the promise of cash rewards and freedom, by the
military.
DVB also assumed that they were killed by the military to cover up the
whole incident.
2. Thein Oo and Soe Win, both are officer in-charge of the NLD
headquarter, were arrested yesterday night, by the military.
3. NLD's Moe Goat township committee members were arrested yesterday.
4. U Saw Khin, MP elect from Myin Gyan township and who accompanied
with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was seriously injured during the attack. He is in
Mon Ywar hospital, but not allowed to meet with anyone.
5. U Tin Aung, MP elect from North-Western Mandalay and who
accompanied with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was assumed to be dead. His family conducted
the funeral yesterday.
6. The regime continues to arrest members of the NLD nationwide. Many
people are in hiding.
Suu Kyi 'injured in violent protests'
How to get involved:
"Today Senator McConnell and Congressman Lantos introduced
major legislation on Burma, and tomorrow we will launch an all-out effort
to get as many members of Congress as possible on board.
Please do everything in your power to help. Get your members of
Congress on board, send checks or make donations online, and call and tell your
friends. It's time to do our part. Working together, we can."
To all the lovely peeps who visit my site: the comment section is working! Yeah! Please engage me in a dialogue. I am so blessed to be inspired by you to be more than I ever dreamed.
Today's Entry: Living in Community
We live in a juxtaposition. A juxtaposition of desire and isolation.
Desire: a component of the human condition which compells us to seek out connection with God and others.
In Genesis, we are reminded that we were created for relationship. First, with God. Then, with others.
Isolation: A perpetuation in society to live on our own and depend on ourselves. And a risk-free way to ensure comfort when one is not pursued, understood, desired, heard, and seen.
This past week I've been thinking about the tension between both. How do we stay present while battling the temptation to run/hide? We live in a society where we value immediate gratification, consumerism, and independence. Our technological advances have instilled in us the attitude and behavior to rely on ourselves-- keeping us from community and the need of relationship. Thus, buffering the pain of disconnection and rejection. Now I think it is interesting to look at the relationship between both: desire and isolation. How do they work together and against each other? Living in a world where isolation and independence is encouraged: how do we handle desire? The distraction of self-consumption numbs us. Thus, killing desire.
I've been particularly looking at this because i've been thinking about the community I have been so graciously gifted with. How in my desire to know others: I find myself easily disappointed and willing to give up. One thing struck me this week as I started thinking about community, our society, behaviors, and sociological norms that we easily adopt as our definition of human existence and human interaction. Community/ relationship is intended because it provides a mirror of our relationship with God. I find this to be so true in my relationship with my husband. But on some level in every relationship we are reflection for each other. We are a reflection of our need for God, our failure to God, our humility to God, our pride and rebellion of God and so on. And it is in our community where we find our true need to seek grace so that we can in turn give grace. Because in all our sin against others it is only grace which can bring us redemption.
It is in community where we provide tangible evidence of service and response. In fact, time after time in the Bible you see that Christ teaches and provides examples in community. Community does not just provide us with an audience. It provides a venue where we can authentically respond to God's goodness.
Our murder of desire, our isolation of authentic connection with others and with God is a response. A response that can only please the self and ultimately kill our very souls. Our challenge is to live in the tension of both. To live well. And to struggle with God's goodness in light of our darkness.
Today's Entry: Living in Community
We live in a juxtaposition. A juxtaposition of desire and isolation.
Desire: a component of the human condition which compells us to seek out connection with God and others.
In Genesis, we are reminded that we were created for relationship. First, with God. Then, with others.
Isolation: A perpetuation in society to live on our own and depend on ourselves. And a risk-free way to ensure comfort when one is not pursued, understood, desired, heard, and seen.
This past week I've been thinking about the tension between both. How do we stay present while battling the temptation to run/hide? We live in a society where we value immediate gratification, consumerism, and independence. Our technological advances have instilled in us the attitude and behavior to rely on ourselves-- keeping us from community and the need of relationship. Thus, buffering the pain of disconnection and rejection. Now I think it is interesting to look at the relationship between both: desire and isolation. How do they work together and against each other? Living in a world where isolation and independence is encouraged: how do we handle desire? The distraction of self-consumption numbs us. Thus, killing desire.
I've been particularly looking at this because i've been thinking about the community I have been so graciously gifted with. How in my desire to know others: I find myself easily disappointed and willing to give up. One thing struck me this week as I started thinking about community, our society, behaviors, and sociological norms that we easily adopt as our definition of human existence and human interaction. Community/ relationship is intended because it provides a mirror of our relationship with God. I find this to be so true in my relationship with my husband. But on some level in every relationship we are reflection for each other. We are a reflection of our need for God, our failure to God, our humility to God, our pride and rebellion of God and so on. And it is in our community where we find our true need to seek grace so that we can in turn give grace. Because in all our sin against others it is only grace which can bring us redemption.
It is in community where we provide tangible evidence of service and response. In fact, time after time in the Bible you see that Christ teaches and provides examples in community. Community does not just provide us with an audience. It provides a venue where we can authentically respond to God's goodness.
Our murder of desire, our isolation of authentic connection with others and with God is a response. A response that can only please the self and ultimately kill our very souls. Our challenge is to live in the tension of both. To live well. And to struggle with God's goodness in light of our darkness.
Pray for Burma.
Pray for Aung San Su Kyi: Leader of the National League for Democracy
Please check out the Human Rights Watch web page at www.hrw.org. This past week Aung San Su Kyi and 17 other NLD leaders were taken into custody by the dictatorship military regime in Burma. Aung San is a peace activist and believes in opposition with non-violence. This past week supporters and protesters of the National League for Democracy were travelling and peacefully protesting against the regime-- when the regime opened fire-- killing approximately 70 people and injuring many more. The regime took Aung San into custody (she suffers a head injury) with several others. The UN has asked for her safe release and the opportunity to speak with her. The regime says 'no', but states that it is for her safety and assure the UN that she is well.
Please pray for resolution for the Burmese people. They have lived under oppression, poverty, slave labor, child labor, starvation, lack of medical supplies, torture and for many death.
There is a local non-profit agency called World Aid. They are located in Ballard. World Aid is founded by a Burmese man. There mission is to send resources to Burma to help the internally displaced refugees.
Pray for Aung San Su Kyi: Leader of the National League for Democracy
Please check out the Human Rights Watch web page at www.hrw.org. This past week Aung San Su Kyi and 17 other NLD leaders were taken into custody by the dictatorship military regime in Burma. Aung San is a peace activist and believes in opposition with non-violence. This past week supporters and protesters of the National League for Democracy were travelling and peacefully protesting against the regime-- when the regime opened fire-- killing approximately 70 people and injuring many more. The regime took Aung San into custody (she suffers a head injury) with several others. The UN has asked for her safe release and the opportunity to speak with her. The regime says 'no', but states that it is for her safety and assure the UN that she is well.
Please pray for resolution for the Burmese people. They have lived under oppression, poverty, slave labor, child labor, starvation, lack of medical supplies, torture and for many death.
There is a local non-profit agency called World Aid. They are located in Ballard. World Aid is founded by a Burmese man. There mission is to send resources to Burma to help the internally displaced refugees.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I was able to enjoy a much needed three-day weekend. Frank and I went away overnight to Vancouver, B.C. It was so nice to get away and connect with my husband. It gave us the opportunity to dream together. Frank the philosopher and me the existential narrative therapist-- makes for an interesting and lively conversation.
Getting into Vancouver was interesting and frustrating, to say the least. We both had our birth certificates and photo ID so we felt ready to go, but when we got to the border we realized that Frank had changed his last name and didn't have the proper paperwork to show his name change. So we we're questioned and then finally told to go to the immigration office. I think we we're both feeling very anxious and for others this may be a routine check, but for us it felt intrusive-- like we had to prove who we are and what we are doing. Well... after a bit of time we were let in, but for the longest time I felt so much anger. The experience brought up so much frustration and tension and I didn't like being treated like I was under suspicion. It was humiliating. And as I fumed I started thinking about those that are underpriveledged... those who have no voice... those that are constantly under suspicion because of the color of their skin or their religious orientation or their sexual orientation.
But I don't want to just rant and rave about the injustice of life. I'd rather be pulled to move in compassion for those who are unable to respond to such struggles. I want my personal frustration, anger, and pain to fuel my work for others. As others journey through their reality of unjust moments... I want to be there to guide, comfort, and discern. My rants... my raves should never be left to stew on their own... On the other hand, they should be used in grace to journey with others. My story is never my own... it's for the greater good. It is an extension of the grace i've been given. Lately, i've continued to write about this enlightened experience in my life-- the recognition of my call. It has been an integral part in my journey... it has been liberating and freeing to see that I have been called to work on behalf of others.
As Christians, we have a reponsibility to respond to the 'unjust acts' around us. We have a responsibility to advocate for those who are displaced, marginalized, discriminated against.... We must remember the widow, the orphan, the oppressed... Isaiah 17 says, "Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow". We must be commited to seeking justice, because those who are fatherless, widowed, and oppressed are all around us. They are our neighbors, our friends, our family, members of our community... We must be seekers of love and humility so that our weapons against injustice are grounded in grace.
Each day I am reminded that 'The free must remember the forgotten'. (Author Unknown)
Getting into Vancouver was interesting and frustrating, to say the least. We both had our birth certificates and photo ID so we felt ready to go, but when we got to the border we realized that Frank had changed his last name and didn't have the proper paperwork to show his name change. So we we're questioned and then finally told to go to the immigration office. I think we we're both feeling very anxious and for others this may be a routine check, but for us it felt intrusive-- like we had to prove who we are and what we are doing. Well... after a bit of time we were let in, but for the longest time I felt so much anger. The experience brought up so much frustration and tension and I didn't like being treated like I was under suspicion. It was humiliating. And as I fumed I started thinking about those that are underpriveledged... those who have no voice... those that are constantly under suspicion because of the color of their skin or their religious orientation or their sexual orientation.
But I don't want to just rant and rave about the injustice of life. I'd rather be pulled to move in compassion for those who are unable to respond to such struggles. I want my personal frustration, anger, and pain to fuel my work for others. As others journey through their reality of unjust moments... I want to be there to guide, comfort, and discern. My rants... my raves should never be left to stew on their own... On the other hand, they should be used in grace to journey with others. My story is never my own... it's for the greater good. It is an extension of the grace i've been given. Lately, i've continued to write about this enlightened experience in my life-- the recognition of my call. It has been an integral part in my journey... it has been liberating and freeing to see that I have been called to work on behalf of others.
As Christians, we have a reponsibility to respond to the 'unjust acts' around us. We have a responsibility to advocate for those who are displaced, marginalized, discriminated against.... We must remember the widow, the orphan, the oppressed... Isaiah 17 says, "Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow". We must be commited to seeking justice, because those who are fatherless, widowed, and oppressed are all around us. They are our neighbors, our friends, our family, members of our community... We must be seekers of love and humility so that our weapons against injustice are grounded in grace.
Each day I am reminded that 'The free must remember the forgotten'. (Author Unknown)
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Building community: Deepening relationship.
I have an amazing job. I am privledged to walk by people, to journey with people every day. I get to listen to people's stories and walk along with those when they are struggling. It is a gift. A gift I take for granted. Because with all I have to give, with all I have to offer sometimes I hold back out of fear of my inabilities. My weakness is that I don't allow myself to be weak. And no matter how hard I fight to be less weak-- the truth remains-- I am weak.
My friend Eugene says, 'We don't have to, we get to'. Meaning this gift that I've been blessed with is not mine 'to do' something with-- it is a gift and I have a responsibility to the giver to respond.
This week has been a particularly difficult struggle as I try to find balance in giving and receiving. In my role in my community I realize that I do not have a choice to give on my whims. I am a leader-- one who is called to journey with others, stand by others, advocate for others and be a voice for justice and compassion. It is not a 9 to 5. I can't call in sick because I feel a bit disappointed or hurt or whatever the feeling may be... my call is to others. There are times when I wish I had a time card and could punch out whenever I felt a little under the weather, but I don't. Thus, bringing me to where I am at today... My Pastor gives so much to his community. He gives his support, his love, his compassion, his grace, his accountability-- all extentions of Christ's love. And I wonder if on Sundays he ever wishes he could bail? I'm sure that in all that life has to offer he has his struggles, yet every day I see him show up ready to give to those he loves. A true testimony of Christ's love-- God's grace.
Saint Catherine of Genoa says, "I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His". I want a life where my extension of grace is a sacrifice of my needs for the needs of others. I want to find contentment in Him. And because my life is no longer my own-- I want to trust that He knows my being. And in knowing my core, only He could give such a gift.
"The prize with which God rewards our self-abandonment is Himself". (Mother Teresa)
I have an amazing job. I am privledged to walk by people, to journey with people every day. I get to listen to people's stories and walk along with those when they are struggling. It is a gift. A gift I take for granted. Because with all I have to give, with all I have to offer sometimes I hold back out of fear of my inabilities. My weakness is that I don't allow myself to be weak. And no matter how hard I fight to be less weak-- the truth remains-- I am weak.
My friend Eugene says, 'We don't have to, we get to'. Meaning this gift that I've been blessed with is not mine 'to do' something with-- it is a gift and I have a responsibility to the giver to respond.
This week has been a particularly difficult struggle as I try to find balance in giving and receiving. In my role in my community I realize that I do not have a choice to give on my whims. I am a leader-- one who is called to journey with others, stand by others, advocate for others and be a voice for justice and compassion. It is not a 9 to 5. I can't call in sick because I feel a bit disappointed or hurt or whatever the feeling may be... my call is to others. There are times when I wish I had a time card and could punch out whenever I felt a little under the weather, but I don't. Thus, bringing me to where I am at today... My Pastor gives so much to his community. He gives his support, his love, his compassion, his grace, his accountability-- all extentions of Christ's love. And I wonder if on Sundays he ever wishes he could bail? I'm sure that in all that life has to offer he has his struggles, yet every day I see him show up ready to give to those he loves. A true testimony of Christ's love-- God's grace.
Saint Catherine of Genoa says, "I am no longer my own. Whether I live or whether I die, I belong to my Saviour. I have nothing of my own. God is my all, and my whole being is His". I want a life where my extension of grace is a sacrifice of my needs for the needs of others. I want to find contentment in Him. And because my life is no longer my own-- I want to trust that He knows my being. And in knowing my core, only He could give such a gift.
"The prize with which God rewards our self-abandonment is Himself". (Mother Teresa)
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Finding comfort: Finding God.
Life continues. Whether I participate in it or not. It continues to roll right by. When I'm particularly reflective or a bit meloncholy I find myself searching for space. A space to be comforted. I pray, "O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice" (Psalm 141:1-2). I do pray that He will come quickly. I pray that He'll give me peace, comfort and rest.
I've realized that I haven't made the time for quiet. Life continues to pass and I keep moving with it. When I was in seminary I took a class around spirituality. One of the requirements was that as a class we had to spend a day of silence at a monastary. There was about fifty of us that attended this day of silence. I found in myself the inability to silence my mind, my heart, my inner being. I prayed for this day of rest--this day of quiet and yet, I found that I could physically silence myself but I could not emotionally or spiritually sit in peace. This seems to be my perpetual existence. When will I rest? When will I find comfort or peace?
A portion of my unrest comes from a place where I am scratching to get God to see. I'm scratching to get him to find something in me-- something good, a redeemable quality. In my unrest, I fail to see that it is out of my hands. It is my faith that must sustain me-- my faith that God is God. God is good. God has provided redemption. It is in Him that I am saved. All my attempts to redeem myself are meaningless. Solomon says that everything is meaningless. All our toil is meaningless, because He is who He says He is. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God".
Life continues. Whether I participate in it or not. It continues to roll right by. When I'm particularly reflective or a bit meloncholy I find myself searching for space. A space to be comforted. I pray, "O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice" (Psalm 141:1-2). I do pray that He will come quickly. I pray that He'll give me peace, comfort and rest.
I've realized that I haven't made the time for quiet. Life continues to pass and I keep moving with it. When I was in seminary I took a class around spirituality. One of the requirements was that as a class we had to spend a day of silence at a monastary. There was about fifty of us that attended this day of silence. I found in myself the inability to silence my mind, my heart, my inner being. I prayed for this day of rest--this day of quiet and yet, I found that I could physically silence myself but I could not emotionally or spiritually sit in peace. This seems to be my perpetual existence. When will I rest? When will I find comfort or peace?
A portion of my unrest comes from a place where I am scratching to get God to see. I'm scratching to get him to find something in me-- something good, a redeemable quality. In my unrest, I fail to see that it is out of my hands. It is my faith that must sustain me-- my faith that God is God. God is good. God has provided redemption. It is in Him that I am saved. All my attempts to redeem myself are meaningless. Solomon says that everything is meaningless. All our toil is meaningless, because He is who He says He is. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God".
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Finding contentment.
In this western society it seems people are less and less content in life. Our motivations are fueled by our need to consume. Thus, leaving us in a state of discontent and in a constant need to search. We can never consume enough. The consumption only statisfies for a time-- propelling us to consume more or to feel discouraged by the lack of satisfaction. How do Christians live by this standard? And what are the implications, when we have a God who should fill the void?
Is it God not filling the void? Or is it that he doesn't always fill 'it' (the void) like we think he should? Or is it a combination of both? Do we not allow God to fill the void?
Is the void a constant state of reality, because we are fallen, sinful, broken people? Or is it our inability to accept that Christ's sacrifice is sufficient enough for our sin?
I sat with a client this week and we talked about his housing options. He is a homeless man. He temporarily lives in transitional housing and his time is coming to an end. My job is to help him find a place so that he doesn't end up back on the streets. In reviewing his options the opportunities looked bleak. And as I felt myself beginning to feel hopeless he said, 'It's not in my hands. Something will come up. He brought me this far and I don't expect that he'll let me down now.' He shared that he had been living on the street for 2 years and finally he said, 'I've had it God. Something has to change... either you bring something to me or i'll end up in prison, killing myself, or shot by someone else'. Two days later he found a job placement program and through that program found housing. He has peace even though he has nothing -- materially. He has his faith. Listening, I felt humbled. I don't have peace and I fight to keep it all in my hands. My faith is weak and waivering. It is easily swayed by this and that. When will I be content in the goodness of God's gift?
In this western society it seems people are less and less content in life. Our motivations are fueled by our need to consume. Thus, leaving us in a state of discontent and in a constant need to search. We can never consume enough. The consumption only statisfies for a time-- propelling us to consume more or to feel discouraged by the lack of satisfaction. How do Christians live by this standard? And what are the implications, when we have a God who should fill the void?
Is it God not filling the void? Or is it that he doesn't always fill 'it' (the void) like we think he should? Or is it a combination of both? Do we not allow God to fill the void?
Is the void a constant state of reality, because we are fallen, sinful, broken people? Or is it our inability to accept that Christ's sacrifice is sufficient enough for our sin?
I sat with a client this week and we talked about his housing options. He is a homeless man. He temporarily lives in transitional housing and his time is coming to an end. My job is to help him find a place so that he doesn't end up back on the streets. In reviewing his options the opportunities looked bleak. And as I felt myself beginning to feel hopeless he said, 'It's not in my hands. Something will come up. He brought me this far and I don't expect that he'll let me down now.' He shared that he had been living on the street for 2 years and finally he said, 'I've had it God. Something has to change... either you bring something to me or i'll end up in prison, killing myself, or shot by someone else'. Two days later he found a job placement program and through that program found housing. He has peace even though he has nothing -- materially. He has his faith. Listening, I felt humbled. I don't have peace and I fight to keep it all in my hands. My faith is weak and waivering. It is easily swayed by this and that. When will I be content in the goodness of God's gift?
Monday, May 12, 2003
Defending mine own when it is not mine to defend.
Everybody thinks that they know what is 'truth'. People define their truth based on their experience, creating a subjective reality and when another claims that there is another truth we feel the need to defend our previously defined 'truth'. C.S. Lewis calls this 'The Law of Decent Behaviour'. I believe that 'the law' is a subjective reality. For instance, how we define decent is different for every one. Frank (my husband) thinks that it is completely indecent to call people after 9 pm. I, on the other hand, have no problem with calling people at midnight. Our laws sometimes conflict when I feel the need to call someone late at night and Frank shares that I should wait til morning. Immediately I feel defensive because I interpret his caution as saying that I am insensitive, bad, etc. My 'truth' is put into question when Frank cautions me of the time. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to defend ourselves? It is a natural instinct to defend. Defense is not always wrong. But when it severs relationship-- it may need to be re-examined.
As Christ went to the cross, at no point did he feel that he needed to defend his position. He knew 'truth'. He was 'truth' and he did not try to convince others to believe him. He willingly went to the cross. I realize that I am never willing to go. I'm willing to go if the circumstances are right. I'm willing to go if I can be reassured that people will acknowledge me and I will be safe. I'm willing to go when I am in the right frame of mind. I am never willing to go in sacrifice of myself. I realize that my defense is the unwillingness to trust that God is God. That 'truth' is 'truth' without my defense. My arrogance keeps me from deeply experiencing the humble nature of Christ, because I am too fixed on my next defense. Thus, leaving me in suspicion of God and others. This 'truth' is not mine to defend. It doesn't need a defense, because grace never asks to be defended. Grace gives without protection and it is misunderstood daily. My 'truth' is an extention of the greater 'truth'. A bit skewed and sometimes misinterpreting the bigger meaning. And because of my human fallacies, my 'truth' is not mine to defend either. My 'truth' must always remember grace-- and be ready to give it without understanding, protection, or solitude.
Everybody thinks that they know what is 'truth'. People define their truth based on their experience, creating a subjective reality and when another claims that there is another truth we feel the need to defend our previously defined 'truth'. C.S. Lewis calls this 'The Law of Decent Behaviour'. I believe that 'the law' is a subjective reality. For instance, how we define decent is different for every one. Frank (my husband) thinks that it is completely indecent to call people after 9 pm. I, on the other hand, have no problem with calling people at midnight. Our laws sometimes conflict when I feel the need to call someone late at night and Frank shares that I should wait til morning. Immediately I feel defensive because I interpret his caution as saying that I am insensitive, bad, etc. My 'truth' is put into question when Frank cautions me of the time. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to defend ourselves? It is a natural instinct to defend. Defense is not always wrong. But when it severs relationship-- it may need to be re-examined.
As Christ went to the cross, at no point did he feel that he needed to defend his position. He knew 'truth'. He was 'truth' and he did not try to convince others to believe him. He willingly went to the cross. I realize that I am never willing to go. I'm willing to go if the circumstances are right. I'm willing to go if I can be reassured that people will acknowledge me and I will be safe. I'm willing to go when I am in the right frame of mind. I am never willing to go in sacrifice of myself. I realize that my defense is the unwillingness to trust that God is God. That 'truth' is 'truth' without my defense. My arrogance keeps me from deeply experiencing the humble nature of Christ, because I am too fixed on my next defense. Thus, leaving me in suspicion of God and others. This 'truth' is not mine to defend. It doesn't need a defense, because grace never asks to be defended. Grace gives without protection and it is misunderstood daily. My 'truth' is an extention of the greater 'truth'. A bit skewed and sometimes misinterpreting the bigger meaning. And because of my human fallacies, my 'truth' is not mine to defend either. My 'truth' must always remember grace-- and be ready to give it without understanding, protection, or solitude.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Grace: In the words of my pastor, "We must be extensions of Grace".
How do we, sinful men and women, give grace? How does our pride when we are hurt keep us from giving grace?
No matter what your beliefs are around grace: we have the responsibilty to give it. It is not a gift to us to be hoarded. Grace can't be what it is intended to be in our lives if we don't extend it to those around us. This concept is easy when we are in comfy, loving relationships. But when my husband fails to be there for me giving grace to him takes on a whole different kind of meaning. Christ calls us to give grace at all times: in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
God's grace is an overwhelming gift for me. It is almost easier to say, "what can I do to receive salvation", rather then believe that salvation is a gift of God's grace and love for me. If I could just do something for salvation, if I could work for it: I would have control over the flow of grace in and out my life. I could withhold it when I wanted to... I could give it when I wanted to. Grace would be contingent on my ever-changing mood.
A while ago, I was struggling with this relationship/friendship. It's one of those relationships that is not alive, but we haven't deemed it dead either. So periodically, I find myself asking the question: What do I do with this person? And once I was honest enough with myself, I realized I wanted her to see what she was missing in a friendship with me. I wanted her to feel bad for not engaging in our relationship. As I stirred in my anger, I found myself tightening my grip to grace. Grace was sufficient enough for me, but not for her. Over this: I lost a lot of sleep, I had no peace, and I was restless. Peter says, "But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (I Peter 2:20). Suffering can bring grace to another. Because in suffering, we learn that forgiveness can be present in the moment. Grace/Forgiveness was present in the moment of Christ's suffering. Even as He hung from a cross.
How do we, sinful men and women, give grace? How does our pride when we are hurt keep us from giving grace?
No matter what your beliefs are around grace: we have the responsibilty to give it. It is not a gift to us to be hoarded. Grace can't be what it is intended to be in our lives if we don't extend it to those around us. This concept is easy when we are in comfy, loving relationships. But when my husband fails to be there for me giving grace to him takes on a whole different kind of meaning. Christ calls us to give grace at all times: in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
God's grace is an overwhelming gift for me. It is almost easier to say, "what can I do to receive salvation", rather then believe that salvation is a gift of God's grace and love for me. If I could just do something for salvation, if I could work for it: I would have control over the flow of grace in and out my life. I could withhold it when I wanted to... I could give it when I wanted to. Grace would be contingent on my ever-changing mood.
A while ago, I was struggling with this relationship/friendship. It's one of those relationships that is not alive, but we haven't deemed it dead either. So periodically, I find myself asking the question: What do I do with this person? And once I was honest enough with myself, I realized I wanted her to see what she was missing in a friendship with me. I wanted her to feel bad for not engaging in our relationship. As I stirred in my anger, I found myself tightening my grip to grace. Grace was sufficient enough for me, but not for her. Over this: I lost a lot of sleep, I had no peace, and I was restless. Peter says, "But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (I Peter 2:20). Suffering can bring grace to another. Because in suffering, we learn that forgiveness can be present in the moment. Grace/Forgiveness was present in the moment of Christ's suffering. Even as He hung from a cross.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
A new day: God is good.
The one aspect that I find so encouraging about my walk with God is that he shows himself in those around me. As you can see from the past entry, this has been a trying week. When I have weeks like these I always hold my breath, hoping that it will be the last... and then the weight comes again. Today I realized that I needed to pick myself up. Not in denying myself the opportunity to grieve the reality of life, disappointments, or pain. But to remind myself that there is a world outside of myself. And that in staying in that place noone can reach me, not even God. When I'm in that place I won't allow anyone to touch me, see me, reach me... and that is my sin-- not their sin.
The innocence of my relationship with God has been skewed by my cynicism in life. Christ says that we must have faith in him like a child. I must be eager, excited, and open to what God has for me. Not in a way, that is unwilling to look at disappointment. On the other hand, always in anticipation of what He may bring. And in my selfish plight to get God to meet my needs through others I am easily disappointed-- because what I realize is that I don't trust God at all. Maybe my cynicism has more to do with my sadness in losing that 'wide eyed', 'expectant' heart for relationship with him. Maybe it is my inability to find joy in the simple: a smile from a stranger, a great lunch with an amazing friend, the touch of my husbands lips on my forehead-- I'm always wanting more. I'm always clawing for more when He is asking me to 'sit and see'.
The one aspect that I find so encouraging about my walk with God is that he shows himself in those around me. As you can see from the past entry, this has been a trying week. When I have weeks like these I always hold my breath, hoping that it will be the last... and then the weight comes again. Today I realized that I needed to pick myself up. Not in denying myself the opportunity to grieve the reality of life, disappointments, or pain. But to remind myself that there is a world outside of myself. And that in staying in that place noone can reach me, not even God. When I'm in that place I won't allow anyone to touch me, see me, reach me... and that is my sin-- not their sin.
The innocence of my relationship with God has been skewed by my cynicism in life. Christ says that we must have faith in him like a child. I must be eager, excited, and open to what God has for me. Not in a way, that is unwilling to look at disappointment. On the other hand, always in anticipation of what He may bring. And in my selfish plight to get God to meet my needs through others I am easily disappointed-- because what I realize is that I don't trust God at all. Maybe my cynicism has more to do with my sadness in losing that 'wide eyed', 'expectant' heart for relationship with him. Maybe it is my inability to find joy in the simple: a smile from a stranger, a great lunch with an amazing friend, the touch of my husbands lips on my forehead-- I'm always wanting more. I'm always clawing for more when He is asking me to 'sit and see'.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
The comments section on this site will be added very soon. So please keep mental note of your comments and post them on my site when they are up and running. I am looking forward to having dialogue with others.
Well...I actually posted an entry for yesterday and it did not post. This technical stuff is getting to me so bear with me. Thanks ;)
Today is a new day... so my entry begins.
For those of you who do not know, I suffer from depression. I don't believe that it is clinical, although I shouldn't be the one diagnosing myself, as that is a subjective danger. But I believe that this is an important start in beginning this entry, because this week has been an incredibly trying week and to find motivation to think beyond myself, yet alone write on this blog has been really hard. In moments like these, I wish I was the Christian who says, "God is good" and "God is all I need". I wish there was a formula: 2 days of prayer and fasting, go to church on Sunday, and take communion which equals happiness, joy, bliss anything other than darkness. But I'm not naive enough to think that with a couple of easy steps this cloud will dissipate. Oh sweet naivete.
This depression keeps me from everything. I feel no connection with other people. I feel no connection with God. And this is an obvious concern to me. When I can't barely drag myself out of bed: how do I wrestle with God's goodness? I know that God is good whether or not I feel it in the moment. I know that God is a God of grace and compassion even when I can't see it. How do I live a life that reflects God's goodness when I can barely brush my teeth? And I have a responsibilty to this, I have a calling to this...
Last night when I was struggling through this with my husband he said, "seek God". He said, "You do the seeing God in people really well, but you don't see that you need relationship with God apart from His reflection in others. To live well, you must do both." Well, here it is my little blog, my heart, my attempt to find God.
Well...I actually posted an entry for yesterday and it did not post. This technical stuff is getting to me so bear with me. Thanks ;)
Today is a new day... so my entry begins.
For those of you who do not know, I suffer from depression. I don't believe that it is clinical, although I shouldn't be the one diagnosing myself, as that is a subjective danger. But I believe that this is an important start in beginning this entry, because this week has been an incredibly trying week and to find motivation to think beyond myself, yet alone write on this blog has been really hard. In moments like these, I wish I was the Christian who says, "God is good" and "God is all I need". I wish there was a formula: 2 days of prayer and fasting, go to church on Sunday, and take communion which equals happiness, joy, bliss anything other than darkness. But I'm not naive enough to think that with a couple of easy steps this cloud will dissipate. Oh sweet naivete.
This depression keeps me from everything. I feel no connection with other people. I feel no connection with God. And this is an obvious concern to me. When I can't barely drag myself out of bed: how do I wrestle with God's goodness? I know that God is good whether or not I feel it in the moment. I know that God is a God of grace and compassion even when I can't see it. How do I live a life that reflects God's goodness when I can barely brush my teeth? And I have a responsibilty to this, I have a calling to this...
Last night when I was struggling through this with my husband he said, "seek God". He said, "You do the seeing God in people really well, but you don't see that you need relationship with God apart from His reflection in others. To live well, you must do both." Well, here it is my little blog, my heart, my attempt to find God.
Monday, May 05, 2003
Well... I never really considered myself to be a blogger or ever felt attracted to the idea. However, close friends who have started blogs have inspired my journey and I decided it was time to start my own.
My hope for this blog is that it will be a place of dialogue. I hope that you will feel compelled to interact with my thoughts, my soul. And somewhere in this process of dialogue we will find deeper meaning in relationships with each other and God.
I graduated from a post-modern seminary called Marshill Graduate School. Much of their philosophy was around the idea of relationships and the reality that we are created for more, but in our "sin" we live in two places, one where we want to be known and to know and the second, the reality that we can never be fully known by another. The tension of dignity and depravity. I watched a movie this weekend and there was a dialogue between two people. The male character said to the woman, "I want to know you" And she replied, "You can't know me. No one is ever known". I believe that there is more hope than that. I believe that although my husband can never truly see me, understand me, know me... he can find glimpses of me and in those glimpses 'know'. The human soul is vast... so the journey, the adventure 'to know' is unending. Yet, the in between is an excutiating one, because when he (my husband) doesn't see or can't see me it is a lonely, dark place. How do we reconcile with these two realities? A question I will be wrestling with until I die.
My hope for this blog is that it will be a place of dialogue. I hope that you will feel compelled to interact with my thoughts, my soul. And somewhere in this process of dialogue we will find deeper meaning in relationships with each other and God.
I graduated from a post-modern seminary called Marshill Graduate School. Much of their philosophy was around the idea of relationships and the reality that we are created for more, but in our "sin" we live in two places, one where we want to be known and to know and the second, the reality that we can never be fully known by another. The tension of dignity and depravity. I watched a movie this weekend and there was a dialogue between two people. The male character said to the woman, "I want to know you" And she replied, "You can't know me. No one is ever known". I believe that there is more hope than that. I believe that although my husband can never truly see me, understand me, know me... he can find glimpses of me and in those glimpses 'know'. The human soul is vast... so the journey, the adventure 'to know' is unending. Yet, the in between is an excutiating one, because when he (my husband) doesn't see or can't see me it is a lonely, dark place. How do we reconcile with these two realities? A question I will be wrestling with until I die.
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