It's good to be reminded...
The last few months I've been reading (slowly) through Henry Nouwen's book: Life of the Beloved. I have purposely taking the time to let the book marinate me with words we rarely hear or acknowledge in our lives. It seems there are always more pressing things going on in the world that take the forefront of our attentions then that of hearing and accepting our 'belovedness'. Yet, I recognize that we are hungry to hear it-- to know it-- to somehow see it in our very own lives. Although, we may believe in some theological manner that we are created in God's image-- a mirror of the divine and made in a uniqueness that is all our own-- the beloved concept rarely penetrates our souls in any real or believable way. In fact, it's more common for the opposite to occur and that is when we fight off the truth by internalizing falsehoods that are outside of us and do not speak to our beauty and this grace despite our depravity. Beauty and God's grace should be the foundation in which we build our lives.
Even in the church we speak from our pulpits about grace and this idea of unconditional love but we struggle to live it out in any practical way. We still create categories that relegate people to boxes that reflect the external. Then in some viciousness we individually and corporately receive those categories as truth rather then the former. This cycle sabotages the fundamental truth of our existence. Why is it easier for us to get caught up in this broke-down system of what we believe is our worth? We are the victims and victimizers in this structure because this system is fueled by unbelief of this gracious truth for our personal stories. Although we may communicate that everyone are recipients of grace and chosen as the beloved if we don't believe it fundamentally in ourselves we can't really believe it for anyone else, hence the need for boxes and categorizations. We need something that puts some rationality around this insane message of grace.
Nouwen says, "In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to reclaim the truth that we are God's chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us. As long as we allow our parents, siblings, teachers, friends and lovers to determine whether we are chosen or not, we are caught in the net of a suffocating world that accepts or rejects us according to its own agenda of effectiveness or control... The great spiritual battle begins-- and never ends-- with the reclaiming of our chosenness. Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes. Long before anyone heard us cry or laugh, we are heard by our God who is all ears for us. Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we are spoken to by the voice of eternal love".
This is not a simple call, because the moment we begin to reclaim truth we will be overcome with lies. We will be confronted with worry and doubt-- wondering what our motivations must mean. Is it possible that we could be chosen? No, because we are meant to reject that message for fear we might come across as narcissistic or other's might perceive us as arrogant. Nouwen reminds us that there is no competition in being chosen. We are all chosen in our uniqueness and individuality. There is no one else that can claim my chosenness and I can't claim anyone elses. Then the astounding beauty of this acceptance and reclamation creates a new system where I am built in the foundation of belovedness which will only propel me forward to love and extend a grace that is profound and authentic-- one that is an extension of our redemptive stories. Now, there is nothing narcissistic about that.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
I admit it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’d be surprised if anyone even reads it anymore since no one expects any new entries after months of no words. I have to confess that I feel quite conflicted about blogs and the whole blogging sphere. It actually frustrates me a lot when I think about it and I go back and forth on my position of blogs. I definitely think blogs have their place. They are a great tool to keep people who live far away from you in the loop. However, my confliction takes place when I realize I know more about those who I’m currently in close community with because of their blogs rather then intimacy and relationship being built authentically through our daily interactions. In this way blogs provide a sense of intimacy and community that is false and that cannot be maintained via the Internet hence, my frustration. So here I am… conflicted and confused and blogging. I haven’t completely given up on it and I have so many thoughts and things on my mind that I feel like its due time I share those with whoever might be interested—perhaps no one, but I’ll take my chances. I ask your forgiveness in advance as I try to articulate this jumble of thoughts that are in my head.
We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.
We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.
Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.
That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.
My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!
Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.
These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.
We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.
In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.
We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.
We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.
Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.
That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.
My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!
Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.
These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.
We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.
In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.
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