Wednesday, January 21, 2004

It's been a long time since i've visited, let alone posted on my blog. I've been busy... preparing to become a parent that I haven't thought much about blogging. But I realized that I've kind of neglected something that means alot to me and that is: writing. I figure that in the next few months I will find it particularly difficult to find the time to write much of anything (what with having a newborn and all) so I want to take advantage of the time while I have it now.

Getting ready to be a parent... what does that mean? I am due in a little over four weeks and realized I'm no more ready today than I was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I've spent several months checking and re-checking my fears. My fears of failing or becoming the kind of mother who is either 1) not present or 2) smothering. Neither feel like very good parenting. But I've found that those two places are extremes! I'm an 'extremes' kind of person... It's either all or none with me. Then it dawned on me that regardless of the mother I fear I will become... the fact of the matter is I am going to be a mother and tossing and turning over unknown outcomes was silly and selfish. So i'm back to square one and i'm realizing that I need to be open to God's guidance and direction in order to be the kind of mother that He would like to see in me. I would like to be the kind of mother who is kind, patient, compassionate, understanding, gentle, considerate, joyful and positive... All these things that I can only glean from God.

I came across this verse in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". What an amazing picture... to truly believe that God is present I must hope and have the certainty that he truly exists even when I am blind. Becoming a parent will take a step of faith on my part, because I do not know what to expect in myself, in my baby, in my spouse or in God. I pray that hope is not lost in my blindness, but only deepened in my trust that He is present even when I am not.