To love.

In Henri Nouwen's book, Intimacy, he asks about the possibility of love by stating, "Is love a Utopian dream or a possibility within our reach?" As I've been picking up my pen and paper to begin the song writing process this has been the question that I've continued to play out over and over in my mind. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting older and maybe even growing more cynical, but I feel weakened and even humbled by the overarching feeling of the impossibility of true, authentic, vulnerable love really taking place between one human to the next. I see this fluid dynamic take place in my interpersonal relationships and the reality that when I dig to the depths of my potential I realize that the motives that underlie my values are rather selfish and self-serving. Is there any real place within the human heart that is for the other?

Nouwen juxtaposes this between two positions: the taking form and the forgiving form. The taking form is about power. It is about the possession of the other. While the forgiving form is about trust and confession. It is the surrendering of oneself to another. Obviously, we all strive to fall in the forgiving form but let's be honest there is an interplay between the two and perhaps even the temptation or reality that we align ourselves more with the taking form.

So what of it? Where is the hope? I talked to a friend today about the distinction of friendship versus advocacy of the non-housed in our community. I talk a great deal about the need to show compassion and kindness and grace to those that are homeless but it really is so futile if it is not grounded in love. Yet, in our own strength somehow our sentiments really become about political gain or (as I mentioned in an earlier post) our 'narcissistic hits'. Where is the love? There is so much to contend, namely ourselves. How do we overcome so that we might truly love in a sacrificial way? Nouwen answers this question eloquently by saying, "If there is a need for a new morality it is the morality which teaches us the fellowship of the weak as a human possibility. Love then is not a clinging to each other in the fear of an oncoming disaster but an encounter in a freedom that allows for creation of new life. This love cannot be proved. We can only be invited..."

Sure, there are examples of this great love-- the ultimate one, Christ. But at the end of the day I have myself to contend. And sometimes it feels like an insurmountable wall that only can be approached with the humility to keep hoping and the commitment to hold tension.

Here is a song I wrote about that tension:

I remember the morning dew... on my skin
You do, you do, you're done
I remember the fabric... against my breast
It so, it so, you sew

***

The sea salt mist stings my eyes
We can't see
God see, God see, God come
You were timid... I held my breath
And it was good the stain sweat on my brow

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's never easy
So you say

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's not so easy
So you say

I am special.

The title of this entry is not meant to be some arrogant exclamation. No, instead it is the descriptor of my personality style measured by the Enneagram personality assessment. I am currently attending a class in Chicago for the denominations ordination track entitled: Vocational Excellence. I just got here today (which hopefully I will have energy and time to share stories of my travel). On our first day we received the results from both our personality tools: The Enneagram and the Myers-Briggs.

This wasn't the first time I took the Enneagram or the Myers-Briggs. I recently took the Enneagram with the entire staff at Quest and at that time my results were the same. When listening to people share what personality they were there were groans of regret or disbelief but for me I couldn't have gotten a more accurate account of who I am unless I'd written it myself. I remember feeling that way the first time I had taken it. For the longest time I thought I couldn't be tracked or measured and I wondered if there was a soul out there that could understand who I was. So here is an excerpt of my personality description:

"You are attracted to and value originality, authenticity, individuality and artistic expression. You want to make the world a more beautiful place. You have an innate sense of quality... You value the inner journey... You have an appreciation for the tragedy of life and are especially sensitive toward sadness, loss and grief. You have a romantic, poetic, nostalgic way of being in the world". (These are the positive attributes of my personality)

Now here's for the not so healthy aspects of my personality:

"When you exaggerate your sensitive qualities too much, you over-identify with the idealized self image. You can overreact and dramatize. You are prone to melancholy, feel misunderstood and your distorted driving force or passion is envy".

*sigh* Yes, that is me. I can look at this page and feel a certain sense of dread. I don't like the fact that I have a tendency to overreact or exaggerate my experiences and interactions. Yet, I find a glimmer of hope in knowing that I am who I am... that I am wonderfully and fearfully made and called just as I am. It is a simple and profound truth-- one, I think we all have a difficult time absorbing. And coming just as I am doesn't mean that I don't have the responsibility to grow and mature in areas of my life but it allows me not to be limited by weaknesses and inactive on the sidelines hoping that change will come so I can participate. 'Just as I am' means-- come and through the fiery and difficult process of surrender and submission you will be refined.

Why aren't we more compassionate? This, a question I've been asking myself for years.

Below is a video featuring Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author, exploring his insights on compassionate responses in our culture. It seems rather bleak-- not completely hopeless but definitely disturbing. Goleman speaks to the reality that most of us only respond compassionately when we get something out of the interaction or what he coins as, "narcissistic hits". Yet, social-neuro scientists' research suggests that we are wired to actually act first on empathy-- our actual default is to help-- when we see someone in need our immediate response is one of empathy. The research shows that we automatically feel with the 'other'. So where is the disconnect? Technology, the psychological & sociological implications of group-think, low pay-off to narcissistic hits or something else? I'll let you take a listen and come to your own conclusions, but one interesting point made was that the human moment is one that has to be free of distraction which means we have to turn off our blackberrys, close our laptops and fully give our attention to the 'other'. The moment we open that cell phone to take that call the 'other' no longer exists. Crap. We're in trouble.

I'd like to also contend to the notion of self-care. By having our focus on all our technological tools we miss out personally on something too-- real, authentic, human connection. We miss out on actually knowing someone else and isn't that more interesting and compelling then facebook status updates, anyhow? In addition, staying plugged into twitter, facebook or any other application we use to get ourselves through the day or to feel a little more connected to something outside of ourselves also serves as an anesthetic to ourselves. I would argue that in order for us to really connect empathetically to someone else's story we need to know our own-- not run from it, but engage it, dig into it, get familiar with it, because what we'll find is a thread that links us to a greater humanity.

Here's to 13.

It's hard to believe that 13 years ago today Frank and I were married. I ask myself, "Where has the time gone"? When people see our wedding picture they always ask me if it was legal that we were married. Don't hate-- it was the 90's.

Yesterday I was asked what my passion was... I hadn't expected it but I got very emotional as I spoke about the passion I have for my children and for Frank. I flashed backwards in my mind and saw all the images, moments and memories of our life together and what struck me the most was the reality that it wasn't just on June 29, 1996 that Frank chose to spend his life with me, but it is a choice that he renews daily. I am humbled and amazed with the reality that he chooses me each and every day and more often than not he chooses me despite the fact that I am not always shiny and pleasant-- in fact, I can be quite difficult to live with. Thanks Frank for choosing me every day for the last 13 years. I look forward to 4745 more days with you!!

Our sexuality in question...

As a therapist and as a pastor who helps teach the premarital class at Quest I am reminded time and again through observation and conversation how far we are from having a full understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. We are deeply embedded in shame and denial of our sexuality as being a central part of who we are as humans. We've some how dichotomized our actual identities as being separate from our sexuality. We don't talk about how these elements of the human condition are not mutual exclusive entities but how they are deeply integrated into who are as humans and as Christians who believe that we are created in the very image of God.

In the last class I taught we covered the topic of sexuality and as I prepped for the class the question that came to mind was, "Why do we only think of sexuality as an activity and not as an integrated aspect of our selves"? I realized I couldn't even address the subject without posing this question to the class... We can talk about ourselves as spiritual persons, emotional persons, biological persons but our sexuality always gets discussed in terms of 'how tos' and 'whens', as opposed to the centrality of it in our personhood. In my research for answers I found Tina Schermer Seller's blog. She is a professor at SPU and has done extensive research on the subject. I recommend taking a look at her blog. Here is a quote from her, "Sexuality is something we are – not something we do – more than a set of behaviors. It is the vital creative force of our life – our very soul and mind manifest its loves and passions through our body. We create and appreciate creation through our body. We hold and love through our body. In fact when our body exhales its last breath we cease being able to live out our mind, heart and soul here on earth. The desire to love with our bodies, to understand and appreciate the awakening sexual desires across our lifecycle, is core to our human experience."

Here are some questions on the topic that I'd like to further explore... Something to consider in this question of identity is why do heterosexuals divide the self from sexuality? What do we have to learn from the gay and lesbian community in terms of understanding our sexuality as part of who we are as people and how we identify ourselves? How do we get to our concepts of sex? Why is it important and healthy to come back to an integration of our sexuality as part of our core identities? What's the danger in the separation? How do we perpetuate this dichotomy, especially as heterosexuals?

So it's inevitable that from time to time one will lose their mind, their bearings, their oh so deliberate grasp on life. Sometimes this is evidenced through a scattered brain, unable to get one's mind wrapped around any aspect of the various inputs that are streaming towards oneself while other times it is brought to light when one realizes there has been a whole lapse of time that has disappeared and can not be accounted for. This has been the very narrow slippery slope I have found myself upon-- an indication that I've got a lot of stuff going on.

So after a long week of planning and getting off the ground artSPEAK I had a day off on Saturday. Things couldn't have been more off or strange for me that day. I got together with some good friends, took a walk around Greenlake, ate gelato... all good things. I got in my car to leave to discover that my purse (or so I thought) had been stolen. Frantically I ran in the house calling my bank, canceling all my debit cards, credit cards and anything else I could remember that was in my purse. I decided to give my friend a call and just see if my purse might have been in her house. She wasn't home. A few hours later she called to report that my purse was in the middle of her living room-- I have zero recollection of even carrying it in her house. Moments before I lost my keys to both offices. My interactions with my family were difficult and misunderstandings easily ensued. I felt edgy (in not the cool way) and resistant to a spirit of rest, enjoyment, peace... It was a weird day.

After a day like this its pretty typical of me to linger in my memories of all my previous failings and short comings. I tend to obsess and play over and over in my head the ways in which I did not succeed in connecting with others and it normally puts me in a vicious cycle which is unproductive and not 'other' or God honoring. But Sunday morning when I woke up there was a gift waiting for me. The gift was a fresh perspective and the invitation to release the previous day and to start fresh this new day, given to me by God. I heard God's still, small voice prodding me to receive this new day with delight, anticipation and hope and somehow I felt the freedom to walk through that door and approach the day with the knowledge that I was forgiven.

Sunday was our prayer and worship service at Quest. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I desperately was in need of a space to breathe in God's freshness, his Spirit, as we observed Pentecost Sunday. I needed the time to be renewed in my faith, knowing that God would sustain my broken foundation and tear down all the pillars I had been putting so much of my trust in. A new day-- a gift-- every day is new. Praise be to God, that when we fail we are not banished but we find the invitation still extended. And even today I still have these words ringing in my ears, "Be still, be still and know that I am God".

The Marriage Crucible

This past weekend I taught the premarital class, a class I've been teaching for years. There are a few things in my work at Quest that I absolute delight in and look forward to-- this being one of them. It is an honor to join in the celebration of lives coming together to covenant and forge a shared path. I see on each face the joy and delight in embarking on the journey of unity and togetherness with the one that has captured their heart and opened possibilities and hopes that were hidden in their soul. I see joy. I see anticipation with bated breath. I see desire. I see wonder. And in the midst of excitement and celebration I see folks teetering on the tension of fear as they embark on the unknown. The road of marriage is both, and... It is a joy, beauty & privilege and it is a crucible that is heavy & wrought with burden.

One of the sections I cover during my session is the theology of marriage and family. The theology of marriage:
Covenant: To love and be loved
Intimacy: To know and be known
Empowerment: To serve and be served
Grace: To forgive and be forgiven

This model reminds me of a rotating wheel... in marriage, as you are being given to, you are giving; as you are being loved you are loving; as you are discovering, you are being discovered; as you are serving, you are being served; as you are being forgiven, you are extending grace. It is constant movement along a continuum in which we hope to fall somewhere in the center of peace and balance. Unfortunately, we are not wheels connected to a machine where we can plug in a formula and rotate in perfect harmony, balance and at a steady rate-- instead our wheel's experience glitches and hiccups and bumps along the way. Those bumps are sometimes manifested through the natural rhythm of life while at other times glitches are evident because of the truth that we are imperfect, flawed and depraved at our very cores.

So... in our most intimate relationships we experience more often than not a reality where sometimes our input is more than our output and vice-versa and the more comfortable and familiar we get in our relationships the more lazy we become in striving towards that balance. Yet, the balance we strive for is somewhere in the center of the continuum between giver and recipient. Imagine this continuum-- at the extreme end of one side we have giver and on the other end there is receiver. If at any point a person is functioning primarily towards one end of the spectrum or the other they are entering into dangerous territory. At the extreme end of 'receiver', one is functioning in narcissism. In this person's reality, the world revolves around him/her without the need, desire or willingness to make any effort. At the other end of the continuum, we have an individual who is functioning in co-dependency under the premise and belief that all things can only be held in balance if he/she keeps up the frenetic pace of perfection. At it's worse this person loves to control his/her destiny and that of everyone that is surrounding him/her. These are dangerous extremes and so as people of covenant and vow our focus has to be movement towards shalom and the sweetness of symmetry.

*sigh* At it's best, this picture is one about self-sacrifice and mutual submission-- the laying down of one's self everyday. The central message of Ephesians 5:22-33 is this: give up your life, wife; give up your life, husband. The call is a weighty one that requires an honest account of our inner lives. What are our gods? Where are our idols? More often than not, we find that our inner values lie in our ideals, our agendas, our right to be anonymous and hidden, but the crucible of marriage applies pressure on those things because it won't allow us to be comfortable or be veiled. And although, we all say we want companionship under the context of transparency and vulnerability what we really value and elevate more is safety, comfort & our space where we are withheld and hidden. (Genesis 3:7)

I can go on and on about the theology of marriage and about the theoretical foundations of relationship, but when the rubber hits the road it exposes my very, tangible short-comings and sin. I don't have a handle on these concepts in any practical way in my relationship. Where I think I am succeeding (after checking in with husband) is usually where I am failing the most. I have a distorted picture of myself and what I bring to the marriage more often than not. I think that it is one of those human elements in our condition as fallen people to always see ourselves just slightly in a different light-- for the worse or for the better. If ever so slightly, we're viewing the reflections of ourselves in a skewed manner this can bear heavy implications on our marriages and on our spouses. So it has to come back to taking in an honest account of who we are... the good, the bad, the ugly.

This is difficult work. And after teaching a great class I check in with my husband to ask, "am I on track"? I know in his eyes and in his answer he understands the theoretical framework but in practicality he is on the other end of my failings and I on the other end of his and this is where the answer to, "am I on track?" veers off and says, "Sometimes, but we have our whole lives to journey on that path together in grace and reconciliation". There is definitely hope in that answer. I can rest in that and I am grateful that I have a partner committed to me-- shortcomings and all.