Women in Leadership-- Is this for real?

I know, I know there's been lots of hot debate on the topic of women in leadership. From the political arena where Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were throwing their hat in the ring of the 2008 elections to our very local Seattle context where a certain hip, cool, conservative, preacher type touts that a real woman's place is behind a stove while only wearing an apron. Not everyone is okay with that female depiction or even agrees with the biblical interpretation that is used to support such ideas and after much back and forth and back and forth we find a few who will actually find a place for a woman in their leadership structure-- whew!

Here's the problem with this approach-- although, a place might be created, room to squeeze in a few females might be made and even while singing the glories of egalitarianism the problem still lies in the fact that it's only at the comfort and ease of a dominate structure set in place and that's been turning in motion for let's just say forever (in saving ourselves the trouble of calculating an actual timeline).

Now you'd be correct in sensing that my tone sounds sarcastic, frustrated and angry. And let me tell you why, because it comes from a place of pain-- where myself and many of my female colleagues have been told that we should be okay with that-- even better, we should be thankful that we have this space-- it's something, after all. And the pain comes from the place where each day we have one of two choices to make: 1) we can choose to be silenced and take one on for the team (this works well in church circles because of how it's tied into the tenants of the Christian faith) or 2) we can choose to try, as impossible as it may, to put on the male power suit and masquerade as 'equal' leaders-- as long as we never challenge the male structure-- instead learn to play within it which in the end means we have to leave behind the essence of who we are at home or in our brief cases every single day.

This essentially is a mixed message of-- we accept you as long as you don't really bring who you are to the table because we don't have room, time or interest in restructuring how we've always done things. This mixed message is everywhere-- it is in the business arena, political arena, church arena, educational arena-- everywhere.

A 'real' equal approach to a dual gender leadership structure is one of collaboration. It means looking at existing structures and collaboratively working together to reflect the voice and styles of both males and females. It means as much as females have to be shaped and changed and influenced each day by our male counterparts-- that males, too, are shaped and changed by our existence... The commitment to collaboration has to come from a place of desire in seeing sisters with freedom being able to use their God-given voices, talents and experiences towards the work of our missions. It has to come from a place of knowing that our missions, our work will go that much further with the ingenuity of the female perspective and we have to steer away from the ancient approach and ideas that that can only be done in a system where women are held as supporting cast members. The 'supporting cast member' category is killing us. It is literally zapping us of the energy to use our gifts and instead requires us to prove ourselves and to choose each day 1) will we be silent (which essentially means we don't exist) or 2) will we speak and find ourselves with an insurmountable wall of defense.

To love.

In Henri Nouwen's book, Intimacy, he asks about the possibility of love by stating, "Is love a Utopian dream or a possibility within our reach?" As I've been picking up my pen and paper to begin the song writing process this has been the question that I've continued to play out over and over in my mind. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting older and maybe even growing more cynical, but I feel weakened and even humbled by the overarching feeling of the impossibility of true, authentic, vulnerable love really taking place between one human to the next. I see this fluid dynamic take place in my interpersonal relationships and the reality that when I dig to the depths of my potential I realize that the motives that underlie my values are rather selfish and self-serving. Is there any real place within the human heart that is for the other?

Nouwen juxtaposes this between two positions: the taking form and the forgiving form. The taking form is about power. It is about the possession of the other. While the forgiving form is about trust and confession. It is the surrendering of oneself to another. Obviously, we all strive to fall in the forgiving form but let's be honest there is an interplay between the two and perhaps even the temptation or reality that we align ourselves more with the taking form.

So what of it? Where is the hope? I talked to a friend today about the distinction of friendship versus advocacy of the non-housed in our community. I talk a great deal about the need to show compassion and kindness and grace to those that are homeless but it really is so futile if it is not grounded in love. Yet, in our own strength somehow our sentiments really become about political gain or (as I mentioned in an earlier post) our 'narcissistic hits'. Where is the love? There is so much to contend, namely ourselves. How do we overcome so that we might truly love in a sacrificial way? Nouwen answers this question eloquently by saying, "If there is a need for a new morality it is the morality which teaches us the fellowship of the weak as a human possibility. Love then is not a clinging to each other in the fear of an oncoming disaster but an encounter in a freedom that allows for creation of new life. This love cannot be proved. We can only be invited..."

Sure, there are examples of this great love-- the ultimate one, Christ. But at the end of the day I have myself to contend. And sometimes it feels like an insurmountable wall that only can be approached with the humility to keep hoping and the commitment to hold tension.

Here is a song I wrote about that tension:

I remember the morning dew... on my skin
You do, you do, you're done
I remember the fabric... against my breast
It so, it so, you sew

***

The sea salt mist stings my eyes
We can't see
God see, God see, God come
You were timid... I held my breath
And it was good the stain sweat on my brow

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's never easy
So you say

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's not so easy
So you say

I am special.

The title of this entry is not meant to be some arrogant exclamation. No, instead it is the descriptor of my personality style measured by the Enneagram personality assessment. I am currently attending a class in Chicago for the denominations ordination track entitled: Vocational Excellence. I just got here today (which hopefully I will have energy and time to share stories of my travel). On our first day we received the results from both our personality tools: The Enneagram and the Myers-Briggs.

This wasn't the first time I took the Enneagram or the Myers-Briggs. I recently took the Enneagram with the entire staff at Quest and at that time my results were the same. When listening to people share what personality they were there were groans of regret or disbelief but for me I couldn't have gotten a more accurate account of who I am unless I'd written it myself. I remember feeling that way the first time I had taken it. For the longest time I thought I couldn't be tracked or measured and I wondered if there was a soul out there that could understand who I was. So here is an excerpt of my personality description:

"You are attracted to and value originality, authenticity, individuality and artistic expression. You want to make the world a more beautiful place. You have an innate sense of quality... You value the inner journey... You have an appreciation for the tragedy of life and are especially sensitive toward sadness, loss and grief. You have a romantic, poetic, nostalgic way of being in the world". (These are the positive attributes of my personality)

Now here's for the not so healthy aspects of my personality:

"When you exaggerate your sensitive qualities too much, you over-identify with the idealized self image. You can overreact and dramatize. You are prone to melancholy, feel misunderstood and your distorted driving force or passion is envy".

*sigh* Yes, that is me. I can look at this page and feel a certain sense of dread. I don't like the fact that I have a tendency to overreact or exaggerate my experiences and interactions. Yet, I find a glimmer of hope in knowing that I am who I am... that I am wonderfully and fearfully made and called just as I am. It is a simple and profound truth-- one, I think we all have a difficult time absorbing. And coming just as I am doesn't mean that I don't have the responsibility to grow and mature in areas of my life but it allows me not to be limited by weaknesses and inactive on the sidelines hoping that change will come so I can participate. 'Just as I am' means-- come and through the fiery and difficult process of surrender and submission you will be refined.

Why aren't we more compassionate? This, a question I've been asking myself for years.

Below is a video featuring Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author, exploring his insights on compassionate responses in our culture. It seems rather bleak-- not completely hopeless but definitely disturbing. Goleman speaks to the reality that most of us only respond compassionately when we get something out of the interaction or what he coins as, "narcissistic hits". Yet, social-neuro scientists' research suggests that we are wired to actually act first on empathy-- our actual default is to help-- when we see someone in need our immediate response is one of empathy. The research shows that we automatically feel with the 'other'. So where is the disconnect? Technology, the psychological & sociological implications of group-think, low pay-off to narcissistic hits or something else? I'll let you take a listen and come to your own conclusions, but one interesting point made was that the human moment is one that has to be free of distraction which means we have to turn off our blackberrys, close our laptops and fully give our attention to the 'other'. The moment we open that cell phone to take that call the 'other' no longer exists. Crap. We're in trouble.

I'd like to also contend to the notion of self-care. By having our focus on all our technological tools we miss out personally on something too-- real, authentic, human connection. We miss out on actually knowing someone else and isn't that more interesting and compelling then facebook status updates, anyhow? In addition, staying plugged into twitter, facebook or any other application we use to get ourselves through the day or to feel a little more connected to something outside of ourselves also serves as an anesthetic to ourselves. I would argue that in order for us to really connect empathetically to someone else's story we need to know our own-- not run from it, but engage it, dig into it, get familiar with it, because what we'll find is a thread that links us to a greater humanity.

Here's to 13.

It's hard to believe that 13 years ago today Frank and I were married. I ask myself, "Where has the time gone"? When people see our wedding picture they always ask me if it was legal that we were married. Don't hate-- it was the 90's.

Yesterday I was asked what my passion was... I hadn't expected it but I got very emotional as I spoke about the passion I have for my children and for Frank. I flashed backwards in my mind and saw all the images, moments and memories of our life together and what struck me the most was the reality that it wasn't just on June 29, 1996 that Frank chose to spend his life with me, but it is a choice that he renews daily. I am humbled and amazed with the reality that he chooses me each and every day and more often than not he chooses me despite the fact that I am not always shiny and pleasant-- in fact, I can be quite difficult to live with. Thanks Frank for choosing me every day for the last 13 years. I look forward to 4745 more days with you!!

Our sexuality in question...

As a therapist and as a pastor who helps teach the premarital class at Quest I am reminded time and again through observation and conversation how far we are from having a full understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. We are deeply embedded in shame and denial of our sexuality as being a central part of who we are as humans. We've some how dichotomized our actual identities as being separate from our sexuality. We don't talk about how these elements of the human condition are not mutual exclusive entities but how they are deeply integrated into who are as humans and as Christians who believe that we are created in the very image of God.

In the last class I taught we covered the topic of sexuality and as I prepped for the class the question that came to mind was, "Why do we only think of sexuality as an activity and not as an integrated aspect of our selves"? I realized I couldn't even address the subject without posing this question to the class... We can talk about ourselves as spiritual persons, emotional persons, biological persons but our sexuality always gets discussed in terms of 'how tos' and 'whens', as opposed to the centrality of it in our personhood. In my research for answers I found Tina Schermer Seller's blog. She is a professor at SPU and has done extensive research on the subject. I recommend taking a look at her blog. Here is a quote from her, "Sexuality is something we are – not something we do – more than a set of behaviors. It is the vital creative force of our life – our very soul and mind manifest its loves and passions through our body. We create and appreciate creation through our body. We hold and love through our body. In fact when our body exhales its last breath we cease being able to live out our mind, heart and soul here on earth. The desire to love with our bodies, to understand and appreciate the awakening sexual desires across our lifecycle, is core to our human experience."

Here are some questions on the topic that I'd like to further explore... Something to consider in this question of identity is why do heterosexuals divide the self from sexuality? What do we have to learn from the gay and lesbian community in terms of understanding our sexuality as part of who we are as people and how we identify ourselves? How do we get to our concepts of sex? Why is it important and healthy to come back to an integration of our sexuality as part of our core identities? What's the danger in the separation? How do we perpetuate this dichotomy, especially as heterosexuals?

So it's inevitable that from time to time one will lose their mind, their bearings, their oh so deliberate grasp on life. Sometimes this is evidenced through a scattered brain, unable to get one's mind wrapped around any aspect of the various inputs that are streaming towards oneself while other times it is brought to light when one realizes there has been a whole lapse of time that has disappeared and can not be accounted for. This has been the very narrow slippery slope I have found myself upon-- an indication that I've got a lot of stuff going on.

So after a long week of planning and getting off the ground artSPEAK I had a day off on Saturday. Things couldn't have been more off or strange for me that day. I got together with some good friends, took a walk around Greenlake, ate gelato... all good things. I got in my car to leave to discover that my purse (or so I thought) had been stolen. Frantically I ran in the house calling my bank, canceling all my debit cards, credit cards and anything else I could remember that was in my purse. I decided to give my friend a call and just see if my purse might have been in her house. She wasn't home. A few hours later she called to report that my purse was in the middle of her living room-- I have zero recollection of even carrying it in her house. Moments before I lost my keys to both offices. My interactions with my family were difficult and misunderstandings easily ensued. I felt edgy (in not the cool way) and resistant to a spirit of rest, enjoyment, peace... It was a weird day.

After a day like this its pretty typical of me to linger in my memories of all my previous failings and short comings. I tend to obsess and play over and over in my head the ways in which I did not succeed in connecting with others and it normally puts me in a vicious cycle which is unproductive and not 'other' or God honoring. But Sunday morning when I woke up there was a gift waiting for me. The gift was a fresh perspective and the invitation to release the previous day and to start fresh this new day, given to me by God. I heard God's still, small voice prodding me to receive this new day with delight, anticipation and hope and somehow I felt the freedom to walk through that door and approach the day with the knowledge that I was forgiven.

Sunday was our prayer and worship service at Quest. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I desperately was in need of a space to breathe in God's freshness, his Spirit, as we observed Pentecost Sunday. I needed the time to be renewed in my faith, knowing that God would sustain my broken foundation and tear down all the pillars I had been putting so much of my trust in. A new day-- a gift-- every day is new. Praise be to God, that when we fail we are not banished but we find the invitation still extended. And even today I still have these words ringing in my ears, "Be still, be still and know that I am God".