Here's to 13.

It's hard to believe that 13 years ago today Frank and I were married. I ask myself, "Where has the time gone"? When people see our wedding picture they always ask me if it was legal that we were married. Don't hate-- it was the 90's.

Yesterday I was asked what my passion was... I hadn't expected it but I got very emotional as I spoke about the passion I have for my children and for Frank. I flashed backwards in my mind and saw all the images, moments and memories of our life together and what struck me the most was the reality that it wasn't just on June 29, 1996 that Frank chose to spend his life with me, but it is a choice that he renews daily. I am humbled and amazed with the reality that he chooses me each and every day and more often than not he chooses me despite the fact that I am not always shiny and pleasant-- in fact, I can be quite difficult to live with. Thanks Frank for choosing me every day for the last 13 years. I look forward to 4745 more days with you!!

Our sexuality in question...

As a therapist and as a pastor who helps teach the premarital class at Quest I am reminded time and again through observation and conversation how far we are from having a full understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. We are deeply embedded in shame and denial of our sexuality as being a central part of who we are as humans. We've some how dichotomized our actual identities as being separate from our sexuality. We don't talk about how these elements of the human condition are not mutual exclusive entities but how they are deeply integrated into who are as humans and as Christians who believe that we are created in the very image of God.

In the last class I taught we covered the topic of sexuality and as I prepped for the class the question that came to mind was, "Why do we only think of sexuality as an activity and not as an integrated aspect of our selves"? I realized I couldn't even address the subject without posing this question to the class... We can talk about ourselves as spiritual persons, emotional persons, biological persons but our sexuality always gets discussed in terms of 'how tos' and 'whens', as opposed to the centrality of it in our personhood. In my research for answers I found Tina Schermer Seller's blog. She is a professor at SPU and has done extensive research on the subject. I recommend taking a look at her blog. Here is a quote from her, "Sexuality is something we are – not something we do – more than a set of behaviors. It is the vital creative force of our life – our very soul and mind manifest its loves and passions through our body. We create and appreciate creation through our body. We hold and love through our body. In fact when our body exhales its last breath we cease being able to live out our mind, heart and soul here on earth. The desire to love with our bodies, to understand and appreciate the awakening sexual desires across our lifecycle, is core to our human experience."

Here are some questions on the topic that I'd like to further explore... Something to consider in this question of identity is why do heterosexuals divide the self from sexuality? What do we have to learn from the gay and lesbian community in terms of understanding our sexuality as part of who we are as people and how we identify ourselves? How do we get to our concepts of sex? Why is it important and healthy to come back to an integration of our sexuality as part of our core identities? What's the danger in the separation? How do we perpetuate this dichotomy, especially as heterosexuals?

So it's inevitable that from time to time one will lose their mind, their bearings, their oh so deliberate grasp on life. Sometimes this is evidenced through a scattered brain, unable to get one's mind wrapped around any aspect of the various inputs that are streaming towards oneself while other times it is brought to light when one realizes there has been a whole lapse of time that has disappeared and can not be accounted for. This has been the very narrow slippery slope I have found myself upon-- an indication that I've got a lot of stuff going on.

So after a long week of planning and getting off the ground artSPEAK I had a day off on Saturday. Things couldn't have been more off or strange for me that day. I got together with some good friends, took a walk around Greenlake, ate gelato... all good things. I got in my car to leave to discover that my purse (or so I thought) had been stolen. Frantically I ran in the house calling my bank, canceling all my debit cards, credit cards and anything else I could remember that was in my purse. I decided to give my friend a call and just see if my purse might have been in her house. She wasn't home. A few hours later she called to report that my purse was in the middle of her living room-- I have zero recollection of even carrying it in her house. Moments before I lost my keys to both offices. My interactions with my family were difficult and misunderstandings easily ensued. I felt edgy (in not the cool way) and resistant to a spirit of rest, enjoyment, peace... It was a weird day.

After a day like this its pretty typical of me to linger in my memories of all my previous failings and short comings. I tend to obsess and play over and over in my head the ways in which I did not succeed in connecting with others and it normally puts me in a vicious cycle which is unproductive and not 'other' or God honoring. But Sunday morning when I woke up there was a gift waiting for me. The gift was a fresh perspective and the invitation to release the previous day and to start fresh this new day, given to me by God. I heard God's still, small voice prodding me to receive this new day with delight, anticipation and hope and somehow I felt the freedom to walk through that door and approach the day with the knowledge that I was forgiven.

Sunday was our prayer and worship service at Quest. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I desperately was in need of a space to breathe in God's freshness, his Spirit, as we observed Pentecost Sunday. I needed the time to be renewed in my faith, knowing that God would sustain my broken foundation and tear down all the pillars I had been putting so much of my trust in. A new day-- a gift-- every day is new. Praise be to God, that when we fail we are not banished but we find the invitation still extended. And even today I still have these words ringing in my ears, "Be still, be still and know that I am God".

The Marriage Crucible

This past weekend I taught the premarital class, a class I've been teaching for years. There are a few things in my work at Quest that I absolute delight in and look forward to-- this being one of them. It is an honor to join in the celebration of lives coming together to covenant and forge a shared path. I see on each face the joy and delight in embarking on the journey of unity and togetherness with the one that has captured their heart and opened possibilities and hopes that were hidden in their soul. I see joy. I see anticipation with bated breath. I see desire. I see wonder. And in the midst of excitement and celebration I see folks teetering on the tension of fear as they embark on the unknown. The road of marriage is both, and... It is a joy, beauty & privilege and it is a crucible that is heavy & wrought with burden.

One of the sections I cover during my session is the theology of marriage and family. The theology of marriage:
Covenant: To love and be loved
Intimacy: To know and be known
Empowerment: To serve and be served
Grace: To forgive and be forgiven

This model reminds me of a rotating wheel... in marriage, as you are being given to, you are giving; as you are being loved you are loving; as you are discovering, you are being discovered; as you are serving, you are being served; as you are being forgiven, you are extending grace. It is constant movement along a continuum in which we hope to fall somewhere in the center of peace and balance. Unfortunately, we are not wheels connected to a machine where we can plug in a formula and rotate in perfect harmony, balance and at a steady rate-- instead our wheel's experience glitches and hiccups and bumps along the way. Those bumps are sometimes manifested through the natural rhythm of life while at other times glitches are evident because of the truth that we are imperfect, flawed and depraved at our very cores.

So... in our most intimate relationships we experience more often than not a reality where sometimes our input is more than our output and vice-versa and the more comfortable and familiar we get in our relationships the more lazy we become in striving towards that balance. Yet, the balance we strive for is somewhere in the center of the continuum between giver and recipient. Imagine this continuum-- at the extreme end of one side we have giver and on the other end there is receiver. If at any point a person is functioning primarily towards one end of the spectrum or the other they are entering into dangerous territory. At the extreme end of 'receiver', one is functioning in narcissism. In this person's reality, the world revolves around him/her without the need, desire or willingness to make any effort. At the other end of the continuum, we have an individual who is functioning in co-dependency under the premise and belief that all things can only be held in balance if he/she keeps up the frenetic pace of perfection. At it's worse this person loves to control his/her destiny and that of everyone that is surrounding him/her. These are dangerous extremes and so as people of covenant and vow our focus has to be movement towards shalom and the sweetness of symmetry.

*sigh* At it's best, this picture is one about self-sacrifice and mutual submission-- the laying down of one's self everyday. The central message of Ephesians 5:22-33 is this: give up your life, wife; give up your life, husband. The call is a weighty one that requires an honest account of our inner lives. What are our gods? Where are our idols? More often than not, we find that our inner values lie in our ideals, our agendas, our right to be anonymous and hidden, but the crucible of marriage applies pressure on those things because it won't allow us to be comfortable or be veiled. And although, we all say we want companionship under the context of transparency and vulnerability what we really value and elevate more is safety, comfort & our space where we are withheld and hidden. (Genesis 3:7)

I can go on and on about the theology of marriage and about the theoretical foundations of relationship, but when the rubber hits the road it exposes my very, tangible short-comings and sin. I don't have a handle on these concepts in any practical way in my relationship. Where I think I am succeeding (after checking in with husband) is usually where I am failing the most. I have a distorted picture of myself and what I bring to the marriage more often than not. I think that it is one of those human elements in our condition as fallen people to always see ourselves just slightly in a different light-- for the worse or for the better. If ever so slightly, we're viewing the reflections of ourselves in a skewed manner this can bear heavy implications on our marriages and on our spouses. So it has to come back to taking in an honest account of who we are... the good, the bad, the ugly.

This is difficult work. And after teaching a great class I check in with my husband to ask, "am I on track"? I know in his eyes and in his answer he understands the theoretical framework but in practicality he is on the other end of my failings and I on the other end of his and this is where the answer to, "am I on track?" veers off and says, "Sometimes, but we have our whole lives to journey on that path together in grace and reconciliation". There is definitely hope in that answer. I can rest in that and I am grateful that I have a partner committed to me-- shortcomings and all.

A couple o' things

First off, I am so bummed that I missed the baptism service at the 5 o'clock last week. I usually do not miss that service when we offer it, because it's one of my favorite services and it is a powerful, powerful opportunity as a community. But I had to miss this past one, because it happened to be my daughters dedication day which meant a lot of family in town and family obligations so... Anyway, I am sad to have missed it. However, I was really blessed to read the testimonies of those getting baptised. Rosalind's testimony really moved me to tears and I wanted to copy that link here so that you could share in her wonderful story.

Secondly, tomorrow I'll be joining others with World Concern to run (or walk) a 5k marathon called Free Them to raise awareness and funds around the issues of human trafficking. I want to encourage you to join me if you get the chance, would like the exercise and wanna raise awareness with us. Registrations start at 8:30 am and run starts at 9:30. And, by the way, it's ok to walk. I'll need the extra grace and will probably be walking most of it since ma ma is outta shape. The registration fee is $10. You can check out World Concern's website for more info!

Yesterday we had the privilege of dedicating our sweet daughter, Fiona at a dedication service @ Quest. We feel so blessed to have a church community that has come around us to affirm our desire to raise Fiona to know God, to seek God and to love Him. We were also so incredibly blessed by the presence of our family and closest friends who have chosen to join us in this incredible commitment to love, to support and to nurture Fiona. Those folks who have been a constant and faithful presence in our lives-- literally took up three of the rows at Quest and we couldn't be more amazed and humbled by their love.

Why dedication? Quest recognizes both: child dedication and infant baptism. I have a great respect for both traditions. Child dedication is a community recognition of a parents' desire to raise their child to know God. The parents recognize that they need the accountability of God and their community in this endeavor. It is a blessing on each family and a call to acknowledge that our children are gifts from God and with that we have the responsibility of stewarding, nurturing and caring for our children, but at the end of the day we know our children are Gods and that we are humbled to be given such a gift and opportunity to be an intricate part of their lives.

Infant Baptism is a beautiful symbol. It is the acknowledgement that God's grace is present in every person's life even before he or she can truly understand/acknowledge/comprehend it. As a parent at the infant baptism service shared, "It is the recognition that God is in pursuit of us even at birth". The hope for a parent who baptizes their infant is twofold 1) acknowledging the pursuit and grace that God has for their child and 2) the commitment to teach their child of this reality in the desire to see their child come to accept that grace on his/her own.

We chose dedication, as part of our family tradition. Frank and I both come out of dedication backgrounds. We also dedicated our first child, Isabelle and wanted to keep with tradition for Fiona. The significance of dedication for me, on a personal note, is the awareness that I am so profoundly broken. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle. I had such extreme anxiety. In fact, prior to pregnancy, I really didn't want to have children knowing how imperfect I was (and still am). When I thought of bearing children my mind would zoom forward futuristically to all the dollars and years of therapy my children would potentially need at the hands of my brokenness. Then I shared with Eugene the news of my pregnancy and I remember him saying to me, "When you have children you'll really see how incredibly selfish you are". At the time, I just thought, "Wow, that's not nice. Come on, man". Yet, over the years I've found this to be very true. In the midst of this reality, I really do seek and hope to be the kind of mom who can see my children, acknowledge their beauty and the unique aspects of their humanity, and establish space for their dreams & hopes. But most of all, I want to be the kind of parent that keeps pointing them toward Jesus. I want them to know in unequivocal terms that God loves them, desires much for them and has a purpose and a plan for their lives. I know, know, know that I can't do this in my own strength-- part of the process of dedication is being affirmed in my parenting and acknowledging that I need the help of my village and God to come around me and hold me accountable to my family.

Yesterday, we were affirmed, held and supported by our village in looking at the gift that Fiona is in our lives. Even now, at such a young age, I see just how better off we are having her in our lives. I see how much better off this world is in having her gifted to the larger community. She is a joy and a comfort and I am so grateful that God saw it fit to bless us with her life. Praise be to God.

Chris Brown, or not, it's not okay to beat your girlfriend.

It has been disturbing and frustrating to read about people's apathetic responses to the pictures of Rihanna (girlfriend of Chris Brown) where her face was black and blue from an incident of abuse inflicted on her by Brown. The New York Times came out with an article about dating violence where young girls who are fans of Brown stated that they believed it to be Rihanna's fault for the attack. Many girls felt that perhaps she had done something to make him angry to warrant him to do such a thing. You can read the full article here.

In addition, Nickelodean stated that they will not remove Chris Brown from the nomination for favorite male singer despite a public outcry. A petition was signed which included 4600+ signatures to ask the network to take him off. Yet, Nickelodean stands by their nominee stating," Brown was nominated before the incident with Rihanna, and the honor had received little notice until the singer posted a note last week on his Facebook urging his fans to vote for him" (Seattle Times).

As I read such things I am flooded with all sorts of questions like: Why do we make concessions for celebrities when they do such horrible things? How are young girls getting the message that it is ok to blame the victim of such crimes? If young girls believe this now, what does that mean for this growing generation in terms of their intimate relationships-- will there be a growing apathy to issues of domestic violence in their personal relationships? And how do we undo the injustice of perpetuating this cycle that if you are a celebrity it is ok to do anything you want-- even physically hurt another person?

I have a friend who works in the Seattle Municipal Court. Her department is the Domestic Violence Probation unit. She shares that the problem there is as bad as ever. Most of their clients are male perpetrators who are in the system for multiple offenses. Here are some brief statistics of the problem:
*One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
*An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
*85% of domestic violence victims are women.
*Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.
*Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
*Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
(National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

The Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence found in 2008 that out of 476 deaths related to DV in the state of Washington only 2 of those deaths were results of female abusers murdering their partner, 5 of those deaths resulted from female victims who killed their abuser in self defense.

So what is the problem with our response? I think it is this: We are not angry enough about these crimes against humanity. We still fall prey to beliefs that state, "that what happens behind closed doors is not our business". We turn a blind eye to such offenses and we don't hold people accountable to their actions-- sending a message that it is ok, perpetuating the burden falling on the victim's shoulders which isolates and creates doubt. There is a cycle of domestic violence and much of it is sustained on the scales of power, control, accessibility, security and isolation. We can not stand by responding in apathy to such abuses-- even in situations involving a celebrity. There cannot be ambiguity about our tolerance of domestic violence. We must take a stand now and we must teach future generations that such abuses are unacceptable in our communities.