Loving people.

Loving our neighbors is the second commandment in the Bible. Love God. Love people. It seems easy, but this phrase has new meaning and difficulty once applied to your family. Everyone has extended family that they struggle to understand, to connect with to relate to, etc. Today I went to a family event for a cousin who recently got married. I went with cynicism, sarcasm, skepticism... and any other ism you can throw in there. I wasn't so skeptical of the event... I was reticent to engage the people... my family. Through out the years these people have been some of the hardest people for me to love, to extend grace and compassion to and to understand. I spend a lot of energy finding ways that I can avoid attending family events. So today I went with my little chip not expecting to get much out of my interactions... and again I was surprised (and kicked in the butt).

The truth remains, I don't have much in common with these people. Generally they don't get me and I don't get them. They don't know my interests, my passions or the things I care about. Our political and societal views are vastly different. We speak different languages. And for the most part, those things don't look like they will change. But today I was able to see something I hadn't noticed before... that these people, my family by blood fundamentally were all seeking the same thing... meaning, purpose, care... How could I begrudge such a need? A need I so desperately seek to fill in my life.

And there I found myself at a crossroads... Could I give out of the compassion of knowing what it looks like to desire a void filled? or Would I walk away from yet another disappointing afternoon with family? Could I take a minute to step off my platform of judgment and irritation to look deeper, to look harder into the emptiness of these people? How pious i've become. I preach justice, compassion and advocacy when I would be the last to step in the gap for these men and women. That is a very sad truth.

Today I was surprised and convicted, because when I least expect it God blesses me through the very people I don't desire anything from. When I least expect it I see beauty, mystery and kindness in the eyes of my family. I think i've got it all figured out. All tucked away in my very sophisticated intellect. Just when I think I've learned all there is to learn i'm struck with a new lesson that God can reveal himself where we least expect to see him. This lesson that God makes his home in the hearts of our broken beings is a miracle. Why should I be surprised when I look in the direction of my aunt, uncle or cousin and see this revelation? Shouldn't I always be waiting in anticipation of how God might reveal himself? Not just for my benefit, but so that I can love deeper... so that I can love greater those I have chosen to disengage. I feel foolish today for being so selfish and unwilling to look beyond myself. Thank you God for revealing yourself. I pray that you continue to transform my heart. Amen.

Surprises

I just returned from taking a friend to the airport. My very close friend, Nicole, is flying to France to study fashion design. I’m very excited for her and proud of the many steps she has taken to follow her dreams. But it was very hard to see her go. This weekend was one of many joyous surprises and revelations into the changes that has taken place in both of our lives over the past month.

On Saturday, a group of women friends came over for breakfast. A few months back we started a morning prayer and reflection group together. We’ve come to a place where we can not meet on a regular basis, but with Nicole in town we wanted to send her off with our blessings. During the time while we were apart for a month we recognized some areas where we had been let down, disappointed and discouraged in the group. And as we shared our deepest sorrows, together we found healing and the opportunity to face the trials with joy.

In my reflections of this weekend, I am reminded of God’s encompassing goodness. I think through the trials and challenges of life we tend to reside to certain beliefs. Beliefs like: we can’t trust… we can’t be open… we can’t share our burdens… people can’t understand… relationships are too hard to pursue and so on. I had come to this place in my life. After having recently lost a dear friend and confidant I began to lose hope that such a friendship could exist in my life again. In fact, out of my fear of the possibility of creating the kind of dependency in new relationships I ran from the opportunity to engage these friendships. My dreams to know and be known slowly began to dwindle out of fear of the pain it could bring. Although these fears irrational and certainly not fair to God and to others, they did come from a deep feeling of pain and loss. When I reflect on this previous relationship I realize how embedded we were in our brokenness, our shame, our sin and our fears. Thus, producing selfish desires and motivations.

In this day and age, it is hard for women to connect. It is hard for women to reveal their brokenness to each other out of fear that it may be used as a weapon in future conflicts and tension. In the world of female relationships we have underlying motivations, unspoken expectations and unfair competitive strategies. We communicate in code and are manipulative in nature. We have a hard time rejoicing and celebrating the blessings in other women’s lives. And sometimes we establish female friendships to fill a cavern of emptiness, brokenness and ineptness. Rarely, are we fighting for the ‘other’. In fact, we are frequently finding ways to undermine the goodness in other women’s lives. This seems like a harsh depiction of the female psyche. And we may think that it certainly doesn’t happen in Christian relationships. The truth: is that it does. Our inability to talk about our insecurities, our failures and our fears perpetuates the idea that we can stand alone and be strong. The fact is: women need women. Women need women to advocate for them. Women need women to encourage them. Women need women to hold them accountable. Women need women to speak into their lives. No one can show a clearer image of a woman’s depravity and beauty than the reflection of another woman. The celebration of birthing life, nurturing souls and mending brokenness should be shared among the hands of women. We can be each other’s worst enemy or greatest advocate because we know the insides of our weaknesses, our strengths and our humanity.

And so after great loss, I gave up on a dream: the dream to find community with other women. The surprise is that these women in my prayer group have redeemed a place in me that I thought had been buried. Watching each of us share our sin and move to celebrate in God’s constant presence, His faithfulness and His care in painful times inspired great joy and an aliveness I resigned to death. Together we reflected the truth that God redeems us with the hope that we might birth, mend, nurture, care, fight and love together.

Amen.

Reflections

I am tired. It has been an amazing couple of weeks. I've been really feeling God press on my heart to step it up. I've spent the majority of my life feeling scared and unsure of myself. And to be in a place where I can be confidant in the calling God has for me is truly freeing.

I spoke on Sunday for the first time and it truly was an amazing experience for me. Processing out loud the items that God has laid on my heart has been a blessing. I felt truly blessed by God's goodness and the acceptance of my family. They have been a reflection of God's grace and mercy.

Living in the moment, in the 'here and now' is excruitiating. It's easier to look toward the future and dream about where we would like to be... Reliving stories of our past continues to keep us one step away from staying present. The present is where we see the contextual reality of our brokenness and our weakness. I guess it never occurs to us that where we are might be where God wants us to be. We never think that the place that we are in just might be where God is calling us. It is the 'today' reflections where God can transform our hearts with His redemptive purposes for our future. God restores us daily by redeeming our past, giving us strength to live in the present and granting us the freedom to dream for tomorrow. Humble me, Oh God.

God is good.

Today i've been reflecting on this past year, my story and the people God has brought into my life. It is amazing to see the change that God has orchestrated in the last 2 years. He's brought to us a new community, new family, new baby, new perspective... I'm overwhelmed as I reflect on his faithfulness to us. Today I spent some time with a good friend. She is a friend who makes me think, who processes with me, who encourages me, who celebrates me and who recognizes all the changes in me. She is truly a reflection of God's face in my life. She offers grace, mercy, truth, wisdom, love and care. God brought her into my life to cultivate growth and redemption.

As I was talking with her, I realized all these changes that had been going on inside me (on a personal level). I'm getting ready to speak in a few weeks and I've really been reflecting on why i'm in the place where I am ready to speak and share what God has laid on my heart. I've been at Quest now for two years and for the first year and a half I've kind of functioned out of my fears and doubts. After I came back from my maternity leave I felt like my weaknesses were magnified ten fold. I felt so insecure, so unsure of my calling and the purpose God has for my life that I even questioned his ability to use me for his redemptive purposes. I started reading Luke. Luke 7 has one of the most beautiful stories in the Bible. It is the story when Jesus is annointed by a sinful woman. I love this story. In fact, when I was in seminary I wrote a song about her. In the past when I've read this story I simply focused on the beauty of this woman's sacrifice and her great love for Christ. The interplay between her love and faith in Christ and Christ's offering of grace and acceptance is amazing. But this time around I saw some things I hadn't recognized before. First of all, this woman was truly bold. Her life of adultery and sin is specifically underlined in this text. I think it is important to recognize that because of the culture she would not be accepted. In that time, she could have been stoned for approaching a teacher, a man especially in light of her sin. Secondly, she is a woman. Women in those times rarely approached men in this manner. Her actions could have been easily mis-interpreted. And in fact, they were mis-interpreted by the Pharisees. But Jesus sees her heart. He recognizes her love. Her faith and belief in His ministry and his life is acknowledged by Jesus. In turn, Jesus offers forgiveness and grace. I'm blown away by her boldness to take the risk to approach Jesus. The risks included her being killed, humiliated, rejected, scorned and persecuted. I think she was aware of that reality and yet she went to him. Her actions are bold. She took a jar of very expensive perfume and poured it over Jesus, she washed his feet with her tears, and wiped them with her hair. These are courageous actions. When we truly love we are willing to sacrifice all the risks that are involved.

Looking at this past year and realizing that I respond out of fear, rather than love is pretty convicting. In my fears I doubt the purpose God has given my life. I don't trust His calling. I'm afraid to be bold because of how it may be interpreted. So I stay still, low-key, afraid. God is calling me to live boldly, to trust his leading and to believe in his purpose for my life. He calls me to discernment, wisdom and to using my voice.

Pretty cool.

This past month we've (our church) has been in a series entitled 'faith and race'. This has been such an important opportunity for out church to engage our faith and the dynamics of race. We studied and talked about racialization, systemic racism, white priveledge, prejudice, stereotypes... needless to say, these terms have given us much to think about and wrestle with. It is sad to think that the 'church' doesn't address these issues. Thus, contributing to the ignorance and inability to understand the dynamics of race and race relations in the church. How do we begin reconciliation if we don't understand the experiences, history, and perspectives of those around us? A particular piece of text that impacted me was the historical depiction and record of the Native American people. Historically Christianity was used to colonize and enslave people of minority status. Native American's were referred to as 'savages' which gave Christians a means to justify their actions in stripping the Natives of their heritage, culture and identity. As Christians what is our responsibility when we look at the history? How do we share the gospel when the gospel has been used to assimilate 'others' to fit our systemtematic ideologies of norms? If we are truly a community commited to supporting missions and evangelization, how do we preserve and celebrate culture while incorporating the gospel? Typically the gospel has meant 'white' to minority groups of people. How do we communicate Christ's love and grace when historically it's been used to exploit other people?

We've got a lot to think about and process through. My hope is that this series is a catalyst to continue the dialogue and to motivate us to celebrate in our differences.

Daily Reminders

This year has been both a joyous year and a year of grief. We welcomed our daughter, Isabelle Rose into this world on March 3rd. What an amazing addition she has been to our family. Every day I am humbled just a little more by her presence in our lives. After I had Isabelle I dealt with some Post-partum which I was surprised by. You really do not know what it is like until you experience it. And it was really hard and isolating. After much discernment and contemplation, a friendship of 20 years ended which was a source of a lot of grief. And here I am today trying to make sense and find meaning in all of it. Although, I know God has a purpose for everything, the good and the bad, I am trying to see where I fit into all of this. I believe that all things fall into God's will and even though he may not intend for painful and grievious events to take place in our lives sometimes it is our will that creates these struggles. Sometimes it is our will that interrupts the will of God's redemption. When relationships end how does that fall into God's purpose and plan? If I believe that God is a God of reconciliation, forgiveness and grace what do those words mean in the moment when relationships might be more edifying in their termination than their survival? I'm certainly not ready to answer these questions, because I have no answers. Sometimes it's a matter of grieving the loss and realizing that there are no simple answers. We want to compartmentalize these events into God's plan... maybe it is not God's plan... maybe it is our sin. I don't know. I know that it is painful. It is hard. And I will always wish for redemption today.

leaving sun

it is cold
dark
and wet with tears
this haven
is thinning and gone
one last embrace
one last kiss upon your face
like leaving the sun
20 years today I knew you
where crickets sang
leaves danced
red polka dots
melted in tiny hands
where lines took forms
in endless patterns of waves
where eyes looked straight
and narrow
and senses grew to love
the innocence of picking petals
smelling pine
drinking laughter
vulnerable affections peered in
gazed out
warm orange afternoons
reminded us to remember
the glow
of knowing and being known
and it is here
where I was known.

I haven't posted in forever. On March 3, 2004 I had a baby girl. Her name is Isabelle Rose Pederson-Spaulding. She weighed 7lbs 4ounces and she was 19 inches long. She is amazing. For the past few weeks I've been staying home with her. It was a great time of getting to know each other. However, the time and the relationship brought up insecurities in me I didn't know existed. Adding this role in my life: a central part of my identity has given me so many things to think about. Our world has been flipped upside down trying to figure out feeding schedules, sleeping schedules and baby development. And between the hormone flips and sleep deprivation things can look a bit fuzzy. But most of all, having Isabelle has reminded me of my great need for God. I know that we can't parent her alone. We need God's grace and compassion to lead us into giving Isabelle the security and love that she will need to develop into the person He has created her to be.

Already Isabelle has changed the way I look at myself and the world around me. The things I used to worry myself about just don't seem that important. I love being a mama. Before Isabelle I wasn't interested in becoming a parent, but now I can't imagine going back. This is the most important thing i've ever done. I am so blessed to be a part of this family.

Our extended church family have been an amazing support to us during this time. I thank God for showing his face to us time and time again through the community we have at Quest. Their prayers, meals, relationships, advice and encouragements have been such an important part of our growth as parents to Isabelle. We gained so much in family when we became a part of Quest.

It's been a long time since i've visited, let alone posted on my blog. I've been busy... preparing to become a parent that I haven't thought much about blogging. But I realized that I've kind of neglected something that means alot to me and that is: writing. I figure that in the next few months I will find it particularly difficult to find the time to write much of anything (what with having a newborn and all) so I want to take advantage of the time while I have it now.

Getting ready to be a parent... what does that mean? I am due in a little over four weeks and realized I'm no more ready today than I was on the day I found out I was pregnant. I've spent several months checking and re-checking my fears. My fears of failing or becoming the kind of mother who is either 1) not present or 2) smothering. Neither feel like very good parenting. But I've found that those two places are extremes! I'm an 'extremes' kind of person... It's either all or none with me. Then it dawned on me that regardless of the mother I fear I will become... the fact of the matter is I am going to be a mother and tossing and turning over unknown outcomes was silly and selfish. So i'm back to square one and i'm realizing that I need to be open to God's guidance and direction in order to be the kind of mother that He would like to see in me. I would like to be the kind of mother who is kind, patient, compassionate, understanding, gentle, considerate, joyful and positive... All these things that I can only glean from God.

I came across this verse in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". What an amazing picture... to truly believe that God is present I must hope and have the certainty that he truly exists even when I am blind. Becoming a parent will take a step of faith on my part, because I do not know what to expect in myself, in my baby, in my spouse or in God. I pray that hope is not lost in my blindness, but only deepened in my trust that He is present even when I am not.