His still small voice.

I feel like in some ways i've been coming out of this strange, desolate wilderness. On one hand, I feel excited and out of the woods after a very long time of depression and isolation, but on the other side I feel like i'm some where in the middle of 'coming out' and recovering from the darkness, as well as scratching at the surface to make it beyond that one last clearing. In the latter of these two feelings I realize that the 'coming out' the scratching and the emerging into the light really does imply my reliance in the lie that in order for there to be any reconciliation & healing then I must depend on my own strength and ability rather than on God's. I find myself falling farther and farther a way from His presence the more I rely on myself.

Oswald Chambers writes, "The voice of the Spirit of God is as gentle as a summer breeze-- so gentle that unless you are living in complete fellowship and oneness with God, you will never hear it". I recently read this as part of my devotions and immediately I began to panic, "How can I be in complete fellowship with God? What am I doing wrong"? And my panic, my worry, my concern continues to quench the spirit of God's voice-- yet I find myself on this vicious circle of trying to get his voice to speak to me. Then I read this from Henry Nouwen's book Life of the Beloved, "Aren't you, like me, hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: 'May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country of relationship fulfill my deepest desire.' But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, aways anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death".

And this is where I am at: a spiritual crisis. I do not share this out of self pity. It is quite a bit to reveal, but as a hope that in trying to confess my sin--my idol in myself, in my peers, in my family I have come to the end of a very long, tangled web.

God open our eyes to see your face-- open our ears to hear your still, small voice.