the past couple of weeks have marked major transitions in our lives. as a result, i've been feeling anxious, frustrated and a bit stressed. this normally happens with any big change, but today i've been reflecting on why it seems much more intensified this time... and i think that it is ultimately due to the fact that i'm not trusting god in every aspect of my life. i'm relying on my own strength, my own wisdom to get through... and i'm totally exhausted. it's ironic how we put ourselves through so much by simply not trusting and obeying god in our lives. and no matter how many times i put myself through this i never completely learn from it... i just keep doing it and then it's when i'm at the lowest point i realize, "oh yeah... i can't do this on my own". seems like a simple lesson to learn, but it is one that i keep resisting. why do i think my way is better?

one of the lessons i've been learning from genesis and exodus is that god keeps showing his people that he'll do what he will do. sometimes there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it... (for example, how jacob gets his father's blessing through cheating). and even in his dishonesty god honors his blessing. and i have failed to recognize that even in my life god will do what he does whether or not i'm trusting him, surrendering to him and obeying him. i just make it that much tougher for him to redeem me. when will what christ did on the cross be enough for me to believe and trust in the hope he has provided?

the other day i was talking to my father and he reminded me that christ already defeated sin and death... yet, i still rely on myself and reject the redemption that christ has victoriously won for me. what a painful realization! how painful it must be to our father... when we turn from his grace. how painful it must be to watch me as i relationally reject the love he has given me through my family and friends. how angry he must be when i intentionally make the choice to worship my idol. yet, he remains.