Friday, May 09, 2003

Grace: In the words of my pastor, "We must be extensions of Grace".

How do we, sinful men and women, give grace? How does our pride when we are hurt keep us from giving grace?

No matter what your beliefs are around grace: we have the responsibilty to give it. It is not a gift to us to be hoarded. Grace can't be what it is intended to be in our lives if we don't extend it to those around us. This concept is easy when we are in comfy, loving relationships. But when my husband fails to be there for me giving grace to him takes on a whole different kind of meaning. Christ calls us to give grace at all times: in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

God's grace is an overwhelming gift for me. It is almost easier to say, "what can I do to receive salvation", rather then believe that salvation is a gift of God's grace and love for me. If I could just do something for salvation, if I could work for it: I would have control over the flow of grace in and out my life. I could withhold it when I wanted to... I could give it when I wanted to. Grace would be contingent on my ever-changing mood.

A while ago, I was struggling with this relationship/friendship. It's one of those relationships that is not alive, but we haven't deemed it dead either. So periodically, I find myself asking the question: What do I do with this person? And once I was honest enough with myself, I realized I wanted her to see what she was missing in a friendship with me. I wanted her to feel bad for not engaging in our relationship. As I stirred in my anger, I found myself tightening my grip to grace. Grace was sufficient enough for me, but not for her. Over this: I lost a lot of sleep, I had no peace, and I was restless. Peter says, "But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (I Peter 2:20). Suffering can bring grace to another. Because in suffering, we learn that forgiveness can be present in the moment. Grace/Forgiveness was present in the moment of Christ's suffering. Even as He hung from a cross.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

A new day: God is good.

The one aspect that I find so encouraging about my walk with God is that he shows himself in those around me. As you can see from the past entry, this has been a trying week. When I have weeks like these I always hold my breath, hoping that it will be the last... and then the weight comes again. Today I realized that I needed to pick myself up. Not in denying myself the opportunity to grieve the reality of life, disappointments, or pain. But to remind myself that there is a world outside of myself. And that in staying in that place noone can reach me, not even God. When I'm in that place I won't allow anyone to touch me, see me, reach me... and that is my sin-- not their sin.

The innocence of my relationship with God has been skewed by my cynicism in life. Christ says that we must have faith in him like a child. I must be eager, excited, and open to what God has for me. Not in a way, that is unwilling to look at disappointment. On the other hand, always in anticipation of what He may bring. And in my selfish plight to get God to meet my needs through others I am easily disappointed-- because what I realize is that I don't trust God at all. Maybe my cynicism has more to do with my sadness in losing that 'wide eyed', 'expectant' heart for relationship with him. Maybe it is my inability to find joy in the simple: a smile from a stranger, a great lunch with an amazing friend, the touch of my husbands lips on my forehead-- I'm always wanting more. I'm always clawing for more when He is asking me to 'sit and see'.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

The comments section on this site will be added very soon. So please keep mental note of your comments and post them on my site when they are up and running. I am looking forward to having dialogue with others.

Well...I actually posted an entry for yesterday and it did not post. This technical stuff is getting to me so bear with me. Thanks ;)

Today is a new day... so my entry begins.

For those of you who do not know, I suffer from depression. I don't believe that it is clinical, although I shouldn't be the one diagnosing myself, as that is a subjective danger. But I believe that this is an important start in beginning this entry, because this week has been an incredibly trying week and to find motivation to think beyond myself, yet alone write on this blog has been really hard. In moments like these, I wish I was the Christian who says, "God is good" and "God is all I need". I wish there was a formula: 2 days of prayer and fasting, go to church on Sunday, and take communion which equals happiness, joy, bliss anything other than darkness. But I'm not naive enough to think that with a couple of easy steps this cloud will dissipate. Oh sweet naivete.

This depression keeps me from everything. I feel no connection with other people. I feel no connection with God. And this is an obvious concern to me. When I can't barely drag myself out of bed: how do I wrestle with God's goodness? I know that God is good whether or not I feel it in the moment. I know that God is a God of grace and compassion even when I can't see it. How do I live a life that reflects God's goodness when I can barely brush my teeth? And I have a responsibilty to this, I have a calling to this...

Last night when I was struggling through this with my husband he said, "seek God". He said, "You do the seeing God in people really well, but you don't see that you need relationship with God apart from His reflection in others. To live well, you must do both." Well, here it is my little blog, my heart, my attempt to find God.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Well... I never really considered myself to be a blogger or ever felt attracted to the idea. However, close friends who have started blogs have inspired my journey and I decided it was time to start my own.

My hope for this blog is that it will be a place of dialogue. I hope that you will feel compelled to interact with my thoughts, my soul. And somewhere in this process of dialogue we will find deeper meaning in relationships with each other and God.

I graduated from a post-modern seminary called Marshill Graduate School. Much of their philosophy was around the idea of relationships and the reality that we are created for more, but in our "sin" we live in two places, one where we want to be known and to know and the second, the reality that we can never be fully known by another. The tension of dignity and depravity. I watched a movie this weekend and there was a dialogue between two people. The male character said to the woman, "I want to know you" And she replied, "You can't know me. No one is ever known". I believe that there is more hope than that. I believe that although my husband can never truly see me, understand me, know me... he can find glimpses of me and in those glimpses 'know'. The human soul is vast... so the journey, the adventure 'to know' is unending. Yet, the in between is an excutiating one, because when he (my husband) doesn't see or can't see me it is a lonely, dark place. How do we reconcile with these two realities? A question I will be wrestling with until I die.