Story.

Will I own mine?

Will you own yours?

I am mixed. I am bi-racial, hoppa-- half.

My mom is a Filipina from Hawaii. My father, Norwegian and raised in Seattle. Every school I went to-- every church we were a part of-- there were very few, if any, who were like us-- mixed.

Christmas was always the hardest time of the year for me. During this part of the year it was hard for me not to feel just how 'other' I was. Yet, I would somehow, as a child, have a hopeful thrill in my heart at the thought of being with family. This thrill was not something of naivety but of childlike faith which kept something in me able to hope for deep connections.

I grew up in Washington so most of my family ties were of my father's side of the family. Coming together at Christmas with all my blond haired, blue eyed cousins reminded me all too often how different I was. Initially, I wouldn't feel that, (still coming off of an adrenaline high from all the anticipation and excitement) but not too far in would I start to feel loneliness that the difference would bring. I would leave confused, disappointed and disillusioned.

I internalized these messages of difference. Some of these messages were overt like the time my best girlfriend told me that she was better than me because she was white and I was brown or the countless times I was told by friends and family members that potatoes were the staples of choice and nutritionally better for you than rice. While others were covert and intangible like the subtle ways my white family would speak about the differences of my mom perpetuating the reality of 'outsider'.

I spent a great deal of time internalizing every message. I found myself frenetically seeking to find a place that would fully accept me and understand me. I found myself hating who I was and where I came from.

It has taken a great deal of work, introspection, vulnerability and risk to begin to own my story. It has come by way of good friends and husband who have weathered my confused questions and painful stories for me to see something redemptive in all of it. You see, the harder I tried to strip myself of me-- of my story-- the more I became invisible to myself.

And albeit painful, I have come to love who I am. My story is one of hope.

I cannot and will not try to put on another person's story or identity. I will not question my place in time or history. I will not try to make a part of me less visible. I will not speak like you or act like you. I will not hide. I will not like only what you like. I will not always agree with you. I will be tender. I will let my gifts of intuitiveness and sensitivity lead. I will listen. I will allow my story to help me to hear others' stories. I will not be empowered by what you say I can do. I will lean on the God given gifts and insights that have been extended to me. I will speak from conviction. I will speak from my truth, my history, the legacy handed to me-- my story. I will not be ashamed of who I am or the ambiguity of what being mixed brings. I will own my past, carry my present and peer with childlike wonder into my future. I will not wait for your cue to tell me when to speak, act or be. I will have peace. My identity will not be affirmed by how you see me. I will acknowledge that I am created just as God desired me to be. I will speak invitationally. I will move. I will be honest. I will hope.

That's not enough.

The notion that some may not support, believe in or acknowledge women in leadership unless there is a situation where no one else (ahem, ahem-- other guys) steps up to lead seems a little shady. I mean really folks do we want to go down this slippery slope? Now if you're wondering if I conjured this up on my own... I assure you I have not. This is an idea I have heard on countless occasions.

I recognize in large part that this is meant to be a neutral statement. Folks that resonate with the above sentiment usually feel that it is kind and even open. But unfortunately, that message continues to support, maintain and perpetuate the idea that women are not called to be in leadership and that only under the circumstance that there is no other male to fill the need then perhaps an exception can be made. And that, my friends, is completely unacceptable. It is dehumanizing and does not hold to the capability, dignity and integrity of the female identity.

This idea of exception has been perpetuated over history-- remember 'Rosie the Riveter'? A time, in not too distant history, when men were off to war women were called into the work place to create munition and machinery, but when those men came home the expectation was that women return to their womanly duties, obligations and responsibilities in the home, ultimately being forced to leave their jobs. I won't even get started about the inequities of the work place when women stepped into those roles. However, this World War II reality called on women through advertisement campaigns to send the message of just how needed they were in the work place, how necessary it was for women to participate in order to preserve and sustain the American way, how EVERY American citizen had the responsibility to contribute to the war effort, and how women had the capabilities and talents to fulfill the need. When men returned these messages disappeared and a female's desire to contribute to their community outside the home was discouraged and unacceptable.

This is a justice issue.

You see, we've continued to function in this manner. We are willing to make exceptions only when it benefits us in a particular way-- in order to protect our comforts, powers and privilege. There is no inclusion, collaboration or dignity in that.

So what will be the final authority on whether or not women can serve in leadership? Every authoritative voice (biblical interpretation, science, education) have found support or evidence to undermine inclusivity of women in leadership. Inevitably, as Christians we want to know what does the Bible say? Is this biblical or just some crazy feminist notion?

I hold to the conviction that God has been equipping both men and women to leadership all throughout the Bible. The passages that folks typically use to argue that women should not be in leadership are: I Corinthians 11 & 14:34-35 and I Timothy 2:9-15. Paul uses some strong language to set some parameters for conduct within the church. My problem with how many have used/interpreted these texts to support their arguments is that they've dissected the text and cut it up to use certain admonishments in isolation from the Bible as a whole, as well as completely ignoring or not adhering to certain exhortations to the church and elevating certain aspects of the text to fit their prescribed ideology. For instance, in I Corinthians 11 there are specific ideas for how one should conduct him/herself when praying or prophesying in the church-- it speaks to cultural ways of behaving that we just don't adhere to or practice in our contemporary setting. These include: women praying or prophesying with their heads covered, men avoiding long hair, men praying without heads covered, etc. We just don't practice these things. Yet, admonishments about the conduct of women in church settings are held as central arguments and reasons for why women cannot lead.

The reality is that there is great ambiguity as to who exactly Paul was addressing in these texts particularly I Timothy 2. Paul's address in I Timothy 2 was most likely addressed to a specific group of wives who were interrupting service to ask questions that could be just as easily talked about at home. These questions and conversation were actually a distraction to the flow of the church service. It seems to me that Paul was specifically speaking to an 'in house' matter/ a 'local congregational' matter that was taking place in a specific church. What can be learned from this text is that as local members of the body sometimes there are behaviors and actions taking place in our home churches that are not edifying/encouraging/appropriate for the entire church community. If that is the case, we have the authority and freedom in grace to speak openly and boldly about such things. In addition, if this was to be interpreted and used as a universal text for all women (in all time periods, settings and situations) then we would have to isolate it from other texts such as Galatians 3:28 (There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus). You see, if we use texts like I Timothy 2 or 2 Timothy 3:6-7 as evidence that women are not to be in leadership-- thus they are not equal due to the hierarchical structures of the church based on these few instructions we are flying in direct opposition of the very nature of God's heart for all people as evidenced throughout the entire Bible and upheld in texts such as Galatians 3:28 and the creation account.

In the creation account we see that God's desire for humanity was one of: equality, unity, community and shared responsibility, especially as we are reminded that every person is created in God's image. People have used the word 'helper' in Genesis that is used to describe women's roles as inferior or lower status position. In actuality the translation of the word 'helper' is 'ezer knegdo' which means protector or rescuer. Here is an excerpt from the Called and Gifted publication put out by the Evangelical Covenant Denomination: The Hebrew words 'ezer knegdoare used as a descriptor for woman in Genesis 2:18. 'ezeris frequently translated as “helper,” which some have come to interpret or understand as an inferior or one in a supporting role. Unlike the English word “helper,” the Hebrew 'ezerimplies no inferiority; in fact, this word most frequently refers to God in the Old Testament, meaning protector or rescuer. Its modifier, knegdo, means “suitable,” “face to face,” “equivalent to,” or “visible,” and indicates that God created an equivalent human being to be a good companion for man. This rules out authority and subordination for either man or woman.

The reality is is that throughout the entire Bible women are gifted and ordained to leadership positions and are acknowledged as equal in the economics of God. We see women like the Judge Debra, The Priestess in Acts, Lydia and Anna the prophetess who anointed Jesus when he was presented to her in Luke 2. Many women were called and gifted to perpetuate the story of God and to bring the gospel to pass through Christ's lineage-- women like Ruth. And in Proverbs 31 you have the Epilogue of the wife of Noble Character. The woman described was a leader, a business woman in her community. She was respected and revered by those in her community because of her gifts of wisdom and discernment and essentially is a leader in her family. We cannot overlook these biblical examples of female leadership which provides support to the reality that God ordains & equips women to lead their families and communities.

It's on.

I am so thrilled to be sharing in the news of my friend and collegue, Leah Klug who will be starting a church plant here in Seattle... The vision-- reaching new people, reaching more people.

Yesterday was Leah's last Sunday at Quest and celebrating this call on her life has been one of inspiration for me. We have been on staff together for approximately 8 years. She was the first cafe director of Q Cafe while I was the first community center director... We started our ordination track with the denomination at the same time and we've gone through so many of the changes and transitions at Quest together. We've also wrestled through many of the same questions, struggles and challenges around issues of women in leadership in the church.

The vision to reach new people, more people is not meant to be some catchy, corny Christian mantra, but it is definitely a reality in the hopes of the mission of this new church plant and the leadership of Leah. In reality, her background, perspective and hope will appeal to a different set of folks-- folks that may feel in other circumstances there is not a place for them in the church.

I am excited about what Leah will bring and I'm proud to know her. More info regarding the mission of her church plant to come.

Women in Leadership-- Is this for real?

I know, I know there's been lots of hot debate on the topic of women in leadership. From the political arena where Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were throwing their hat in the ring of the 2008 elections to our very local Seattle context where a certain hip, cool, conservative, preacher type touts that a real woman's place is behind a stove while only wearing an apron. Not everyone is okay with that female depiction or even agrees with the biblical interpretation that is used to support such ideas and after much back and forth and back and forth we find a few who will actually find a place for a woman in their leadership structure-- whew!

Here's the problem with this approach-- although, a place might be created, room to squeeze in a few females might be made and even while singing the glories of egalitarianism the problem still lies in the fact that it's only at the comfort and ease of a dominate structure set in place and that's been turning in motion for let's just say forever (in saving ourselves the trouble of calculating an actual timeline).

Now you'd be correct in sensing that my tone sounds sarcastic, frustrated and angry. And let me tell you why, because it comes from a place of pain-- where myself and many of my female colleagues have been told that we should be okay with that-- even better, we should be thankful that we have this space-- it's something, after all. And the pain comes from the place where each day we have one of two choices to make: 1) we can choose to be silenced and take one on for the team (this works well in church circles because of how it's tied into the tenants of the Christian faith) or 2) we can choose to try, as impossible as it may, to put on the male power suit and masquerade as 'equal' leaders-- as long as we never challenge the male structure-- instead learn to play within it which in the end means we have to leave behind the essence of who we are at home or in our brief cases every single day.

This essentially is a mixed message of-- we accept you as long as you don't really bring who you are to the table because we don't have room, time or interest in restructuring how we've always done things. This mixed message is everywhere-- it is in the business arena, political arena, church arena, educational arena-- everywhere.

A 'real' equal approach to a dual gender leadership structure is one of collaboration. It means looking at existing structures and collaboratively working together to reflect the voice and styles of both males and females. It means as much as females have to be shaped and changed and influenced each day by our male counterparts-- that males, too, are shaped and changed by our existence... The commitment to collaboration has to come from a place of desire in seeing sisters with freedom being able to use their God-given voices, talents and experiences towards the work of our missions. It has to come from a place of knowing that our missions, our work will go that much further with the ingenuity of the female perspective and we have to steer away from the ancient approach and ideas that that can only be done in a system where women are held as supporting cast members. The 'supporting cast member' category is killing us. It is literally zapping us of the energy to use our gifts and instead requires us to prove ourselves and to choose each day 1) will we be silent (which essentially means we don't exist) or 2) will we speak and find ourselves with an insurmountable wall of defense.

To love.

In Henri Nouwen's book, Intimacy, he asks about the possibility of love by stating, "Is love a Utopian dream or a possibility within our reach?" As I've been picking up my pen and paper to begin the song writing process this has been the question that I've continued to play out over and over in my mind. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting older and maybe even growing more cynical, but I feel weakened and even humbled by the overarching feeling of the impossibility of true, authentic, vulnerable love really taking place between one human to the next. I see this fluid dynamic take place in my interpersonal relationships and the reality that when I dig to the depths of my potential I realize that the motives that underlie my values are rather selfish and self-serving. Is there any real place within the human heart that is for the other?

Nouwen juxtaposes this between two positions: the taking form and the forgiving form. The taking form is about power. It is about the possession of the other. While the forgiving form is about trust and confession. It is the surrendering of oneself to another. Obviously, we all strive to fall in the forgiving form but let's be honest there is an interplay between the two and perhaps even the temptation or reality that we align ourselves more with the taking form.

So what of it? Where is the hope? I talked to a friend today about the distinction of friendship versus advocacy of the non-housed in our community. I talk a great deal about the need to show compassion and kindness and grace to those that are homeless but it really is so futile if it is not grounded in love. Yet, in our own strength somehow our sentiments really become about political gain or (as I mentioned in an earlier post) our 'narcissistic hits'. Where is the love? There is so much to contend, namely ourselves. How do we overcome so that we might truly love in a sacrificial way? Nouwen answers this question eloquently by saying, "If there is a need for a new morality it is the morality which teaches us the fellowship of the weak as a human possibility. Love then is not a clinging to each other in the fear of an oncoming disaster but an encounter in a freedom that allows for creation of new life. This love cannot be proved. We can only be invited..."

Sure, there are examples of this great love-- the ultimate one, Christ. But at the end of the day I have myself to contend. And sometimes it feels like an insurmountable wall that only can be approached with the humility to keep hoping and the commitment to hold tension.

Here is a song I wrote about that tension:

I remember the morning dew... on my skin
You do, you do, you're done
I remember the fabric... against my breast
It so, it so, you sew

***

The sea salt mist stings my eyes
We can't see
God see, God see, God come
You were timid... I held my breath
And it was good the stain sweat on my brow

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's never easy
So you say

Love's never easy
Love's never easy
Love's not so easy
So you say

I am special.

The title of this entry is not meant to be some arrogant exclamation. No, instead it is the descriptor of my personality style measured by the Enneagram personality assessment. I am currently attending a class in Chicago for the denominations ordination track entitled: Vocational Excellence. I just got here today (which hopefully I will have energy and time to share stories of my travel). On our first day we received the results from both our personality tools: The Enneagram and the Myers-Briggs.

This wasn't the first time I took the Enneagram or the Myers-Briggs. I recently took the Enneagram with the entire staff at Quest and at that time my results were the same. When listening to people share what personality they were there were groans of regret or disbelief but for me I couldn't have gotten a more accurate account of who I am unless I'd written it myself. I remember feeling that way the first time I had taken it. For the longest time I thought I couldn't be tracked or measured and I wondered if there was a soul out there that could understand who I was. So here is an excerpt of my personality description:

"You are attracted to and value originality, authenticity, individuality and artistic expression. You want to make the world a more beautiful place. You have an innate sense of quality... You value the inner journey... You have an appreciation for the tragedy of life and are especially sensitive toward sadness, loss and grief. You have a romantic, poetic, nostalgic way of being in the world". (These are the positive attributes of my personality)

Now here's for the not so healthy aspects of my personality:

"When you exaggerate your sensitive qualities too much, you over-identify with the idealized self image. You can overreact and dramatize. You are prone to melancholy, feel misunderstood and your distorted driving force or passion is envy".

*sigh* Yes, that is me. I can look at this page and feel a certain sense of dread. I don't like the fact that I have a tendency to overreact or exaggerate my experiences and interactions. Yet, I find a glimmer of hope in knowing that I am who I am... that I am wonderfully and fearfully made and called just as I am. It is a simple and profound truth-- one, I think we all have a difficult time absorbing. And coming just as I am doesn't mean that I don't have the responsibility to grow and mature in areas of my life but it allows me not to be limited by weaknesses and inactive on the sidelines hoping that change will come so I can participate. 'Just as I am' means-- come and through the fiery and difficult process of surrender and submission you will be refined.

Why aren't we more compassionate? This, a question I've been asking myself for years.

Below is a video featuring Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author, exploring his insights on compassionate responses in our culture. It seems rather bleak-- not completely hopeless but definitely disturbing. Goleman speaks to the reality that most of us only respond compassionately when we get something out of the interaction or what he coins as, "narcissistic hits". Yet, social-neuro scientists' research suggests that we are wired to actually act first on empathy-- our actual default is to help-- when we see someone in need our immediate response is one of empathy. The research shows that we automatically feel with the 'other'. So where is the disconnect? Technology, the psychological & sociological implications of group-think, low pay-off to narcissistic hits or something else? I'll let you take a listen and come to your own conclusions, but one interesting point made was that the human moment is one that has to be free of distraction which means we have to turn off our blackberrys, close our laptops and fully give our attention to the 'other'. The moment we open that cell phone to take that call the 'other' no longer exists. Crap. We're in trouble.

I'd like to also contend to the notion of self-care. By having our focus on all our technological tools we miss out personally on something too-- real, authentic, human connection. We miss out on actually knowing someone else and isn't that more interesting and compelling then facebook status updates, anyhow? In addition, staying plugged into twitter, facebook or any other application we use to get ourselves through the day or to feel a little more connected to something outside of ourselves also serves as an anesthetic to ourselves. I would argue that in order for us to really connect empathetically to someone else's story we need to know our own-- not run from it, but engage it, dig into it, get familiar with it, because what we'll find is a thread that links us to a greater humanity.

Here's to 13.

It's hard to believe that 13 years ago today Frank and I were married. I ask myself, "Where has the time gone"? When people see our wedding picture they always ask me if it was legal that we were married. Don't hate-- it was the 90's.

Yesterday I was asked what my passion was... I hadn't expected it but I got very emotional as I spoke about the passion I have for my children and for Frank. I flashed backwards in my mind and saw all the images, moments and memories of our life together and what struck me the most was the reality that it wasn't just on June 29, 1996 that Frank chose to spend his life with me, but it is a choice that he renews daily. I am humbled and amazed with the reality that he chooses me each and every day and more often than not he chooses me despite the fact that I am not always shiny and pleasant-- in fact, I can be quite difficult to live with. Thanks Frank for choosing me every day for the last 13 years. I look forward to 4745 more days with you!!

Our sexuality in question...

As a therapist and as a pastor who helps teach the premarital class at Quest I am reminded time and again through observation and conversation how far we are from having a full understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. We are deeply embedded in shame and denial of our sexuality as being a central part of who we are as humans. We've some how dichotomized our actual identities as being separate from our sexuality. We don't talk about how these elements of the human condition are not mutual exclusive entities but how they are deeply integrated into who are as humans and as Christians who believe that we are created in the very image of God.

In the last class I taught we covered the topic of sexuality and as I prepped for the class the question that came to mind was, "Why do we only think of sexuality as an activity and not as an integrated aspect of our selves"? I realized I couldn't even address the subject without posing this question to the class... We can talk about ourselves as spiritual persons, emotional persons, biological persons but our sexuality always gets discussed in terms of 'how tos' and 'whens', as opposed to the centrality of it in our personhood. In my research for answers I found Tina Schermer Seller's blog. She is a professor at SPU and has done extensive research on the subject. I recommend taking a look at her blog. Here is a quote from her, "Sexuality is something we are – not something we do – more than a set of behaviors. It is the vital creative force of our life – our very soul and mind manifest its loves and passions through our body. We create and appreciate creation through our body. We hold and love through our body. In fact when our body exhales its last breath we cease being able to live out our mind, heart and soul here on earth. The desire to love with our bodies, to understand and appreciate the awakening sexual desires across our lifecycle, is core to our human experience."

Here are some questions on the topic that I'd like to further explore... Something to consider in this question of identity is why do heterosexuals divide the self from sexuality? What do we have to learn from the gay and lesbian community in terms of understanding our sexuality as part of who we are as people and how we identify ourselves? How do we get to our concepts of sex? Why is it important and healthy to come back to an integration of our sexuality as part of our core identities? What's the danger in the separation? How do we perpetuate this dichotomy, especially as heterosexuals?

So it's inevitable that from time to time one will lose their mind, their bearings, their oh so deliberate grasp on life. Sometimes this is evidenced through a scattered brain, unable to get one's mind wrapped around any aspect of the various inputs that are streaming towards oneself while other times it is brought to light when one realizes there has been a whole lapse of time that has disappeared and can not be accounted for. This has been the very narrow slippery slope I have found myself upon-- an indication that I've got a lot of stuff going on.

So after a long week of planning and getting off the ground artSPEAK I had a day off on Saturday. Things couldn't have been more off or strange for me that day. I got together with some good friends, took a walk around Greenlake, ate gelato... all good things. I got in my car to leave to discover that my purse (or so I thought) had been stolen. Frantically I ran in the house calling my bank, canceling all my debit cards, credit cards and anything else I could remember that was in my purse. I decided to give my friend a call and just see if my purse might have been in her house. She wasn't home. A few hours later she called to report that my purse was in the middle of her living room-- I have zero recollection of even carrying it in her house. Moments before I lost my keys to both offices. My interactions with my family were difficult and misunderstandings easily ensued. I felt edgy (in not the cool way) and resistant to a spirit of rest, enjoyment, peace... It was a weird day.

After a day like this its pretty typical of me to linger in my memories of all my previous failings and short comings. I tend to obsess and play over and over in my head the ways in which I did not succeed in connecting with others and it normally puts me in a vicious cycle which is unproductive and not 'other' or God honoring. But Sunday morning when I woke up there was a gift waiting for me. The gift was a fresh perspective and the invitation to release the previous day and to start fresh this new day, given to me by God. I heard God's still, small voice prodding me to receive this new day with delight, anticipation and hope and somehow I felt the freedom to walk through that door and approach the day with the knowledge that I was forgiven.

Sunday was our prayer and worship service at Quest. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I desperately was in need of a space to breathe in God's freshness, his Spirit, as we observed Pentecost Sunday. I needed the time to be renewed in my faith, knowing that God would sustain my broken foundation and tear down all the pillars I had been putting so much of my trust in. A new day-- a gift-- every day is new. Praise be to God, that when we fail we are not banished but we find the invitation still extended. And even today I still have these words ringing in my ears, "Be still, be still and know that I am God".

The Marriage Crucible

This past weekend I taught the premarital class, a class I've been teaching for years. There are a few things in my work at Quest that I absolute delight in and look forward to-- this being one of them. It is an honor to join in the celebration of lives coming together to covenant and forge a shared path. I see on each face the joy and delight in embarking on the journey of unity and togetherness with the one that has captured their heart and opened possibilities and hopes that were hidden in their soul. I see joy. I see anticipation with bated breath. I see desire. I see wonder. And in the midst of excitement and celebration I see folks teetering on the tension of fear as they embark on the unknown. The road of marriage is both, and... It is a joy, beauty & privilege and it is a crucible that is heavy & wrought with burden.

One of the sections I cover during my session is the theology of marriage and family. The theology of marriage:
Covenant: To love and be loved
Intimacy: To know and be known
Empowerment: To serve and be served
Grace: To forgive and be forgiven

This model reminds me of a rotating wheel... in marriage, as you are being given to, you are giving; as you are being loved you are loving; as you are discovering, you are being discovered; as you are serving, you are being served; as you are being forgiven, you are extending grace. It is constant movement along a continuum in which we hope to fall somewhere in the center of peace and balance. Unfortunately, we are not wheels connected to a machine where we can plug in a formula and rotate in perfect harmony, balance and at a steady rate-- instead our wheel's experience glitches and hiccups and bumps along the way. Those bumps are sometimes manifested through the natural rhythm of life while at other times glitches are evident because of the truth that we are imperfect, flawed and depraved at our very cores.

So... in our most intimate relationships we experience more often than not a reality where sometimes our input is more than our output and vice-versa and the more comfortable and familiar we get in our relationships the more lazy we become in striving towards that balance. Yet, the balance we strive for is somewhere in the center of the continuum between giver and recipient. Imagine this continuum-- at the extreme end of one side we have giver and on the other end there is receiver. If at any point a person is functioning primarily towards one end of the spectrum or the other they are entering into dangerous territory. At the extreme end of 'receiver', one is functioning in narcissism. In this person's reality, the world revolves around him/her without the need, desire or willingness to make any effort. At the other end of the continuum, we have an individual who is functioning in co-dependency under the premise and belief that all things can only be held in balance if he/she keeps up the frenetic pace of perfection. At it's worse this person loves to control his/her destiny and that of everyone that is surrounding him/her. These are dangerous extremes and so as people of covenant and vow our focus has to be movement towards shalom and the sweetness of symmetry.

*sigh* At it's best, this picture is one about self-sacrifice and mutual submission-- the laying down of one's self everyday. The central message of Ephesians 5:22-33 is this: give up your life, wife; give up your life, husband. The call is a weighty one that requires an honest account of our inner lives. What are our gods? Where are our idols? More often than not, we find that our inner values lie in our ideals, our agendas, our right to be anonymous and hidden, but the crucible of marriage applies pressure on those things because it won't allow us to be comfortable or be veiled. And although, we all say we want companionship under the context of transparency and vulnerability what we really value and elevate more is safety, comfort & our space where we are withheld and hidden. (Genesis 3:7)

I can go on and on about the theology of marriage and about the theoretical foundations of relationship, but when the rubber hits the road it exposes my very, tangible short-comings and sin. I don't have a handle on these concepts in any practical way in my relationship. Where I think I am succeeding (after checking in with husband) is usually where I am failing the most. I have a distorted picture of myself and what I bring to the marriage more often than not. I think that it is one of those human elements in our condition as fallen people to always see ourselves just slightly in a different light-- for the worse or for the better. If ever so slightly, we're viewing the reflections of ourselves in a skewed manner this can bear heavy implications on our marriages and on our spouses. So it has to come back to taking in an honest account of who we are... the good, the bad, the ugly.

This is difficult work. And after teaching a great class I check in with my husband to ask, "am I on track"? I know in his eyes and in his answer he understands the theoretical framework but in practicality he is on the other end of my failings and I on the other end of his and this is where the answer to, "am I on track?" veers off and says, "Sometimes, but we have our whole lives to journey on that path together in grace and reconciliation". There is definitely hope in that answer. I can rest in that and I am grateful that I have a partner committed to me-- shortcomings and all.

A couple o' things

First off, I am so bummed that I missed the baptism service at the 5 o'clock last week. I usually do not miss that service when we offer it, because it's one of my favorite services and it is a powerful, powerful opportunity as a community. But I had to miss this past one, because it happened to be my daughters dedication day which meant a lot of family in town and family obligations so... Anyway, I am sad to have missed it. However, I was really blessed to read the testimonies of those getting baptised. Rosalind's testimony really moved me to tears and I wanted to copy that link here so that you could share in her wonderful story.

Secondly, tomorrow I'll be joining others with World Concern to run (or walk) a 5k marathon called Free Them to raise awareness and funds around the issues of human trafficking. I want to encourage you to join me if you get the chance, would like the exercise and wanna raise awareness with us. Registrations start at 8:30 am and run starts at 9:30. And, by the way, it's ok to walk. I'll need the extra grace and will probably be walking most of it since ma ma is outta shape. The registration fee is $10. You can check out World Concern's website for more info!

Yesterday we had the privilege of dedicating our sweet daughter, Fiona at a dedication service @ Quest. We feel so blessed to have a church community that has come around us to affirm our desire to raise Fiona to know God, to seek God and to love Him. We were also so incredibly blessed by the presence of our family and closest friends who have chosen to join us in this incredible commitment to love, to support and to nurture Fiona. Those folks who have been a constant and faithful presence in our lives-- literally took up three of the rows at Quest and we couldn't be more amazed and humbled by their love.

Why dedication? Quest recognizes both: child dedication and infant baptism. I have a great respect for both traditions. Child dedication is a community recognition of a parents' desire to raise their child to know God. The parents recognize that they need the accountability of God and their community in this endeavor. It is a blessing on each family and a call to acknowledge that our children are gifts from God and with that we have the responsibility of stewarding, nurturing and caring for our children, but at the end of the day we know our children are Gods and that we are humbled to be given such a gift and opportunity to be an intricate part of their lives.

Infant Baptism is a beautiful symbol. It is the acknowledgement that God's grace is present in every person's life even before he or she can truly understand/acknowledge/comprehend it. As a parent at the infant baptism service shared, "It is the recognition that God is in pursuit of us even at birth". The hope for a parent who baptizes their infant is twofold 1) acknowledging the pursuit and grace that God has for their child and 2) the commitment to teach their child of this reality in the desire to see their child come to accept that grace on his/her own.

We chose dedication, as part of our family tradition. Frank and I both come out of dedication backgrounds. We also dedicated our first child, Isabelle and wanted to keep with tradition for Fiona. The significance of dedication for me, on a personal note, is the awareness that I am so profoundly broken. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle. I had such extreme anxiety. In fact, prior to pregnancy, I really didn't want to have children knowing how imperfect I was (and still am). When I thought of bearing children my mind would zoom forward futuristically to all the dollars and years of therapy my children would potentially need at the hands of my brokenness. Then I shared with Eugene the news of my pregnancy and I remember him saying to me, "When you have children you'll really see how incredibly selfish you are". At the time, I just thought, "Wow, that's not nice. Come on, man". Yet, over the years I've found this to be very true. In the midst of this reality, I really do seek and hope to be the kind of mom who can see my children, acknowledge their beauty and the unique aspects of their humanity, and establish space for their dreams & hopes. But most of all, I want to be the kind of parent that keeps pointing them toward Jesus. I want them to know in unequivocal terms that God loves them, desires much for them and has a purpose and a plan for their lives. I know, know, know that I can't do this in my own strength-- part of the process of dedication is being affirmed in my parenting and acknowledging that I need the help of my village and God to come around me and hold me accountable to my family.

Yesterday, we were affirmed, held and supported by our village in looking at the gift that Fiona is in our lives. Even now, at such a young age, I see just how better off we are having her in our lives. I see how much better off this world is in having her gifted to the larger community. She is a joy and a comfort and I am so grateful that God saw it fit to bless us with her life. Praise be to God.

Chris Brown, or not, it's not okay to beat your girlfriend.

It has been disturbing and frustrating to read about people's apathetic responses to the pictures of Rihanna (girlfriend of Chris Brown) where her face was black and blue from an incident of abuse inflicted on her by Brown. The New York Times came out with an article about dating violence where young girls who are fans of Brown stated that they believed it to be Rihanna's fault for the attack. Many girls felt that perhaps she had done something to make him angry to warrant him to do such a thing. You can read the full article here.

In addition, Nickelodean stated that they will not remove Chris Brown from the nomination for favorite male singer despite a public outcry. A petition was signed which included 4600+ signatures to ask the network to take him off. Yet, Nickelodean stands by their nominee stating," Brown was nominated before the incident with Rihanna, and the honor had received little notice until the singer posted a note last week on his Facebook urging his fans to vote for him" (Seattle Times).

As I read such things I am flooded with all sorts of questions like: Why do we make concessions for celebrities when they do such horrible things? How are young girls getting the message that it is ok to blame the victim of such crimes? If young girls believe this now, what does that mean for this growing generation in terms of their intimate relationships-- will there be a growing apathy to issues of domestic violence in their personal relationships? And how do we undo the injustice of perpetuating this cycle that if you are a celebrity it is ok to do anything you want-- even physically hurt another person?

I have a friend who works in the Seattle Municipal Court. Her department is the Domestic Violence Probation unit. She shares that the problem there is as bad as ever. Most of their clients are male perpetrators who are in the system for multiple offenses. Here are some brief statistics of the problem:
*One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
*An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
*85% of domestic violence victims are women.
*Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.
*Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
*Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
(National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

The Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence found in 2008 that out of 476 deaths related to DV in the state of Washington only 2 of those deaths were results of female abusers murdering their partner, 5 of those deaths resulted from female victims who killed their abuser in self defense.

So what is the problem with our response? I think it is this: We are not angry enough about these crimes against humanity. We still fall prey to beliefs that state, "that what happens behind closed doors is not our business". We turn a blind eye to such offenses and we don't hold people accountable to their actions-- sending a message that it is ok, perpetuating the burden falling on the victim's shoulders which isolates and creates doubt. There is a cycle of domestic violence and much of it is sustained on the scales of power, control, accessibility, security and isolation. We can not stand by responding in apathy to such abuses-- even in situations involving a celebrity. There cannot be ambiguity about our tolerance of domestic violence. We must take a stand now and we must teach future generations that such abuses are unacceptable in our communities.

Why the Homeless??? The question that continues to plague us...

This past Monday we held the Why the Homeless forum @ Quest. It was a great turn out, a great dialogue and a good start to what I hope to be a challenge for us as a church to care for the homeless.

The evening started off with a question, "Can we live into a more compassionate humanity"? After years and years of seeing the homeless be undervalued, stigmatized and dismissed I really wonder when we will begin seeing people with value and purpose simply because we believe they matter in the here & now. I wonder if we can reflect to the homeless a sense of dignity and the truth that they too are created in God's image with value and integrity. As I grow older, sometimes I lose a sense of that hope. I easily can fall prey to all sorts of cynicism, because it just seems like such a mountain to climb.

On Tuesday, I came into work when a woman I've worked with for years asked to see me. Upon approaching her I saw that she had a leg brace on both legs and a walker. I immediately asked what had happened when she shared that on February 24th sometime in the early morning she had been standing on a sidewalk when she became victim to a hit & run. She was just released from the hospital on March 16th and to make matters worse, the authorities who took the report, as well as the paramedics did not pass along her belongings to the hospital so now she has no identification-- all important paperwork that she owns is gone.

I don't know what that conjures up in you when you read that, but for me I connect with anger. How is it that someone could leave an accident not knowing whether or not the person that they hit was alive or dead? How is it that there wasn't more care taken in making sure that everything this person owned gets to her once she arrives at the hospital? How is that she is released, not fully recovered, to stay in shelter for the night but made to wander the streets by day in her condition? One injustice after the next...

I am working with her to try to get her ID back, but so far there hasn't been a lot of help from the police or fire departments. There isn't much urgency for a homeless woman. And this is what I mean by, "When will we live into a more compassionate humanity"? This reality-- where a person is valued and made a priority simply because they are human and share the same thread of the human experience that we all do. Imagine the healing, image the hurdles we could cross if we just cared-- if we left our anesthetized state, to really see another human being and care. I truly wonder these things. I truly wonder if looking at ourselves in this way could have made a difference for this woman.

This week has been one of wrestling.

Saturday was Craig's burial and Celebration of Life service. I can't begin to describe how amazed and blessed I felt to hear stories of Craig-- his tenacity for his family & friends, his commitment to investing in people and the love of God that was shown to others through Craig's life. I'll be honest I didn't know Craig very well, but I am honored to say that I did witness these attributes over the last year and a half as he battled cancer.

At his service, they shared a video which documented his life and his love over the course of his 36 years. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room during the video presentation. The video was well done, but besides that I truly felt the love that Craig had for Betty and his kids. I could literally feel it. AND I could feel the love that Betty and the kids have for Craig. And this is where I feel broke, speechless and unable to come to terms with the end result to Craig's story.

I came home Saturday after the service. I hugged my kids. I played with my Izzy. I had a deeper appreciation for what I have, but I couldn't get over the nagging question of, "why"? Why after all these months of ferverently praying, of crying out, of interceding as a community for physical healing for Craig-- why had the answer come to this? Why was the answer, "no"? I wrestled back and forth with this question of why. This answer which was so senseless, so unfair. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. I found myself getting up in the night weeping and flooded with emotions of all kinds.

On Sunday as I woke up and began preparing my heart for church. I pondered again the question I had been wrestling with and I came to a conclusion and the conclusion was this-- I did not like the answer God gave. Yet, although I could be honest and transparent before God regarding my dislike, my disdain, my frustration, my anger-- I realized that although I didn't like it-- I could trust God. I was honest enough with myself that I did not understand the big picture and that for some reason God had a reason for the answer He gave.

I'll be honest, I still do not like the answer. I am still in grief. But I will trust God. I will believe that for some reason (which I cannot fool myself to know anything about) this is part of some plan, some purpose. For now, it does not take a way the sting of his death, nor the frustration of this confusion. It hurts like hell. Yet, in this grief I feel an odd sustainment of God's presence, peace and the invitation to step through a doorway to trust. I pray I can be faithful to this call.

A friend of mine died this Saturday. Craig is a friend and brother of my community at Quest. Over the past two years he had been battling with brain cancer. He honestly, fought it so bravely and tenaciously, as he sought to be a presence to his wife and two small children. Craig made the most of his time-- although, the amount of time he had was uncertain, he fought to utilize his time in spending it and growing in love with Betty & the kids. About 6 weeks ago I had the privilege of visiting with them. I was astounded and moved when Craig, while weak, frail & tired, sat there and in turn ministered to us. He preached of loving our families more deeply and figuring out what is most important in life. Amidst his struggles to live, he found what was important and continued to seek God amidst personal tragedy and adversity. Here is an excerpt from a blog he wrote...
life lesson #6

in addition to your new year’s resolutions (many of which are probably already broken), I would like each of you to do something more meaningful and look back on 2008 and find at least 10 things that you are thankful for.

I’ll start…..
I’m thankful to God for his daily miracles of minimizing the symptoms from my tumors.

I’m thankful to God for letting me make it to 2009 – my docs said I’d likely be in heaven by now.

I’m thankful for every moment I had, and continue to have, with my wife and kids.

I’m thankful for my wife, mom, and brother who are there daily by my side dutifully taking care of me.

I’m thankful for all my faithful friends who just flocked to my side at a moments notice.

I’m thankful for my loving church body who amaze me daily with their continual prayer and love.

I’m thankful for my magician of an accupuncturist, David Lerner, my caregivers at SCCA and SCTWC who have taken such good care of me over the last 15 months.

I’m thankful for my wonderfully supportive employer – NeuroVista – who continues to support and love me on a daily basis

I’m thankful for my family and friends who have cooked us meals and taken our kids on play dates.

I’m thankful for each and every one of you who have read my blog, thought of me and prayed for me.


This is the gift he shared with me-- the challenge to love more deeply, to live more fully and to be intentional about seeking God's hand in each moment.

I will miss him. He will be greatly missed in our community. Craig, thank you for your love & service.

And my heart especially goes out to Betty, Joshua & Kate. May they experience a comfort indescribable in their time of loss. My prayer is this Psalm that I claim for their family:

121.
I lift my eyes up to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made the heaven and earth.

May God's help be present and felt today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ISABELLE ROSE!

Today, this 3rd day of March Isabelle is five years old. It truly is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we first met her. This morning I had the opportunity to share with Isabelle her birth story. I told her how she was two weeks over due and how we were so incredibly excited to meet her. I shared with her the very first time that we were face to face with her and how my heart swelled with so much pride, love & joy at the sight of her beautiful face and the sound of her amazing voice! I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday.

I have a few favorite days in my life: Isabelle's birth was one of my most favorite days. So getting the opportunity to celebrate her life, her hopes, her dreams and the person that she is shaping to be is very important to me.

Isabelle is really, truly a beautiful person with a kindred heart and a sweet spirit. She is concerned about those that around her and she deeply wants to understand how this whole God thing works and how it fits into her world day to day. We have incredibly deep conversations about theology and life. I am truly astounded by her curiosity and the questions that she poses to all that around her. She has a ferocious energy for life and is constantly moving and creating new concepts and ideas in her head. She absolutely loves to create and make art projects daily.

Today I asked Isabelle how she felt about being five and she said, "I'm very happy, Mom. I feel like an adult". Her goals for this year include honing in on her super-hero powers, taking up driving, walking to class by herself without her parents and continue being a good mother to Fancy, her pink & white cat.

Happy Birthday, Isabelle! We celebrate you today and always!

Ash Wednesday-- a start to lent.

Remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Repent and believe the gospel of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Today is Ash Wednesday and we (the entire family) attended a 7 am Ash Wednesday service at the church. It has always been important to me to take some real time to reflect on what the lenten season means and what it means to sacrifice or purge oneself from a pleasure during these 40 days. Fasting is so contrary to the natural rhythm of our culture. We are a consumer society-- committed to indulging and ingesting anything that finds its way on our path. So... to commit oneself to a 40 day break is contrary to every outside voice and distraction.

I wasn't raised in a liturgical tradition. We didn't observe the church calendar, as many other faith traditions follow. So my time at Quest has given me a new sense and appreciation for the rhythm that the early church established in keeping with their faith. It has stretched me and called me to a deeper sense of struggle and commitment to wrestling with my own faith. I've found that history doesn't have to be sterile or an avenue that chokes life (as my growing up years in the church often taught). In fact, it is quite the contrary, our history, our heritage can give us meaning and a sense of connection to the historical church and in that a fresh sense of life and a call to worship is experienced.

The lent season is not just about a shedding of things-- it is more importantly about the drawing near. It is about the pressing in-- the seeking-- the peering-- the longing to know. And as I've been reflecting these days on just what this shedding or sacrifice should be I was convicted in recognizing how easy it was for me to connect with the 'doing' aspect of lent-- as opposed to the being.

And this is my lent prayer: that I see Christ more clearly, hear His voice more distinctly and be refined into His likeness.

One of the devotions I'm following stated this today on this first day of lent, "Superficial worship, which makes ritualistic gestures toward God while people practice injustice, is worthless... Is not this the fast that I chose: to loose the bonds of injustice...to let the oppressed go free...share your bread with the hungry...to bring the homeless poor into your house...when you see the naked, to cover them...then you shall call and the Lord will answer" (Isaiah 58:6-9). Such is the Lenten journey that God blesses, that we might be called repairers of the breach, restorers of the streets on which we live. (John Martin Mann, Seminary Pastor, Luther Seminary)

Forgive me. This is about to become a blog spew. Since my last post I’ve wrestled more in the context of conversations with close friends about the purpose of blogging. Although, no definitive conclusions were made I am encouraged to find out I’m not alone in this significant question.

Part of my journey in this quest comes from a place of humility. I mean honestly, what real authority do I have to tell people what is what? However, what I can attempt to do is live into the very real tension of honesty, transparency and openness of my life under the umbrella of wisdom and discernment AND with a sliver of hope that there is some common experience that can be shared (namely the human experience), as well as the desire to allow my story to be a source of encouragement & edification. So that is my prayer in the blogging sphere, as it is in other places of my life and it is this-- that I seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly.

This past week has been a very busy-full week. On Saturday my littlest girl turned 4 months old. I can’t believe that she is 4 months old already. I feel like I just had her in October and the time has simply just flown right by. I am still learning about her. Her little personality is being revealed more each day. What I have learned about her is this: she is very sweet. She has an incredibly sweet personality. She soothes people with her smile and disposition. I am incredibly proud of Fiona and the person that she is becoming. I look forward to many more days, months and years with her.

The last few weeks we’ve been hosting a refugee family: a father and his two daughters who are 9 & 10 years old. It has been such a blessing and honor to get to know this family. They are beautiful and the girls are so sweet and gracious. They are now in their own home in the U district. I know we (all those who have gotten to know them) all feel a burden to make sure that they are able to transition into this new life with ease. A few days prior to their moving a few other refugee families were visited and it was discovered that they went a whole 4 days with out eating because the organization that was settling them gave them $$ for food but did not teach them where and how to get the food. It seems unfathomable to think that people were left in such a condition with all the resources and tools we have to make sure that people are equipped and needs are met. This is an email I received from the host family highlighting a couple of their thoughts and experiences in hosting this family (the email was entitled: Thoughts from the Kitchen):

I don't know how you're supposed to feel when:

A. Your new friend compliments your cooking through and interpreter and says he'd like to learn to cook some of those things, and you think he's just being polite, then you find out later it's 'cause he's really happy his kids are getting to eat something besides rice, fish paste and chilies....that they get vegetables and vitamins. Humble?
B. You get a call at work that you can't answer, call your daughter back and leave her a message to call her Dad, and find out she not only discovered the lice, but walked to the store to get lice removal stuff, got a friend on the phone to translate and began helping clean up our new friends. The girls said they hadn't slept as good as they did that night in a long time 'cause their heads didn't itch. Proud?
C. You find out through friends of friends that knew this family in the camp, that Dad's been ill a long time and unable to work. That his wife left the camp to get a job and never came back....protective? Sad?
D. Challenge that came up in the Karen community....a Karen man (single dad with three kids) who lost his leg to a Burma army land mine, living in Tukwila, who would have otherwise been a possible housemate for the dad and girls staying with us. But this dad is Burmese....it was an issue..... Many need healing for wounds that are hard to translate....... Overwhelmed?

After receiving and reading this email I felt weak and heavily burdened. So much need and so much learning to still be done in order to be some source of help—help that is shrouded in integrity & dignity. And even though that feeling can be so crippling and overwhelming I felt a distinct peace that reminded me that there is HOPE and that God still does redeem.

On another note, my mind is all over the place all the time. I am, on a consistent and regular basis, inundated with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m almost to the point where I need a recorder to take down dictation because I can’t possibly expel the thoughts fast enough before another bulk of thoughts are upon me. I feel blessed that I am being challenged to grapple, to wrestle, to be faithful to the many things that God has placed in my life. But there are also moments of where I feel the curse, as I am unable to articulate or express these thoughts, ideas and feelings in a timely enough fashion. So…I’ve included some of these random thoughts that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. They are undeveloped thoughts so be kind. I hope to flesh them out more in time. But for now I leave the skeletal, fragments of such ideas for your ponderings and hope that maybe you can wrestle with me in them. Here goes…

- If you want to know what a parent believes watch his or her child. (More of this will be fleshed out as I process what it means to be a parent of a preschooler).
- The value and high standard of intimacy in relationship must be recognized and a conviction of all parties otherwise it is not a true value and can never be realized. DTR’s (and forgive me for saying that because I hate the phrase) must be done not only in ‘dating’ relationships, but in all shared relationship. We all have different needs and desires that somehow have to be actualized, on some level, to have real, authentic connection with anyone.
- Someone I know keeps emphasizing the statement and truth that, “We don’t always get our way so GROW UP.” This is true, but can we assume that all desire or longing is innately bad, selfish and/or immature? That statement kind of frames our desires as though any disappointment felt is illegitimate and at the heart of all longing (and then in turn disappointment when desire goes unmet) is immature. Where is the compassion when disappointment comes from unrealized hopes of friendship, loss of hope of being known and knowing or the lack of deeper actualization of our understanding of God? Is there no place to feel the very real loss of elements in the world that we are created for and God has designed us to experience?
- People always say that they are open to diversity. However, once confronted with elements of diversity that requires one to leave comfort people become resistant to the whole idea, which is not a true value of diversity, is it? At Quest we talk about diversity in terms of culture, race, gender and even there it seems to be ok to highlight such need for diversity but when we are confronted with issues of mental illness, sexual orientation, family structure, lifestyle, politics ( To name a few. I know these seem vague.) we are not so open to dialogue.

Ok. Forgive me for my overwhelming post. I leave you now with these thoughts.

At the new year I made a commitment to blog once a week... This is the first entry since I made that goal. I have already failed in my attempt to engage blogging more. I will admit that I've had plenty of blog entry ideas cross my mind, but I always struggle with what I should really put out there in cyberspace. I'm always asking myself, "Is that too personal"? or "Is that too negative"? or "Is that too much"? and on and on and on... I honestly do not know how people keep up their blogs so frequently without having some level of internal tension constantly going on... What is really appropriate to put out there anyway? Maybe I'm over thinking it.

So this is my attempt at my first 2009 blog entry. At the beginning of this year we went on a staff day retreat to embark on some planning and visioning for this year. We were asked some very specific questions regarding our goals for ministry, our goals for our personal lives and how we plan to track those and stay accountable to what we say we will do (Quest's fancy term for this is: metrics). It was a great exercise for me because it really let me take some time to assess where I am at and where I want to be, as well as allowed me a space to be hopeful and excited about the things to come. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did but I find myself still going over what I have planned and re-visiting those goals frequently to be sure that I'm staying on course-- not to be a legalist but to be consistent with my words and my ambition. In the entries to come I'll be sharing more of my goals for this year but one of those goals was to be a more focused person with my time. I realized that my time is so valuable. In the past, I have been known to squalor a way time by not being focused and engaged with whatever I am doing at any given time. I felt very convicted over this-- recognizing that it was a stewardship issue. My time has always been an important opportunity to steward, but even more so now that I have children. Because I'm a working mom I realized my time has to count to make it worth it to be a way from them. Whatever I am doing I have to put my whole self into it because of the legacy and future I hope to carve for them... And it is such a great sacrifice to miss the little milestones I miss with them when I am away at work that I want to make it worth it to be a way.

As I said there will be more to share in this arena, but I want to say that all in all I feel very hopeful about what is in the future... I am so looking forward to what is in store and how I will be called to take part.

The end of 2008 was trying to say the least. Holidays, particularly Christmas and the New Year can be difficult for people. I always prepare myself for that season in terms of ministry and my therapy practice because it is generally a time when people are struggling with broken relationships, loneliness and heart ache of all kinds. I think it is heightened at the holiday season because everything you see (by the media and culture) is this idea of false intimacy. People are supposed to give their care for others through expensive gifts and material goods and in addition, the holidays are a time when families and relationships are supposed to come together and be harmonious. This year was tough on a number of different fronts: 1) the economy didn't make it easy for people to buy a ton of stuff which tends to make people feel inadequate, especially with such a cultural emphasis on this element of the holidays and 2) relationships are still difficult-- the holiday magic that some might say exists is really just a myth. It's hard. I'll say I wasn't immune to these struggles in my personal life. Particularly, in the area of personal and familial relationships. It was a hard season. There was much to grieve through and to wrestle with and to try to understand. However, I felt a very strong sense of God's presence and His hope during this time. I can't say that this has always been the case because I generally feel like it is easy for me to fall into a rut, but this time I felt a comfort almost indescribable.

I can honestly say that it was a strange juxtaposition to find myself in... hopeless and with hope simultaneously. How is it that these two very strong realities can co-exist at the very same time? I realized that this could only be the case because of God's presence in my life. His gentle prodding for me to look beyond personal circumstance and to realize that my life, as precarious as it is, is in his hands.

I look forward to my weekly blog entries and will trust that you will patiently journey along with me as I try to figure out what this whole cyberspace thing is supposed to look like.