A time to mourn.

This morning my aunt, Chita Braceros passed a way from complications of cancer. The last time I saw my aunt was last September at my brother's wedding. She looked frail and tired. A few weeks later she was diagnosed with bone cancer. It came as a surprise to my family to hear she was sick. It has been a complete surprise to witness how quickly things have progressed since she was first diagnosed.

I remember thinking how unfair it was for her to get sick. She was the backbone, the pillar of her family. I remember her working 2-3 jobs to make sure my cousins, her three children were provided for. I remember the importance she put on their education. She was such a hard worker and amazingly determined in all she did.

I didn't get to spend much time with Aunt Chita since she lived in Hawaii but every time I had the fortune of going to Hawaii I stayed with Aunt Chita and her family. I have very fond memories of her and her hospitality. These are a few things I remember:

* I remember her voice. I remember the tone of her voice when she would call out to me and my cousins. I remember the pitch, the volume the intonation in my aunts voice as she'd call out to my cousin, Natey.
* I remember the smells in her house after she would cook us Portuguese sausage, rice and eggs for breakfast.
* I remember she always had mangos and sweet bread available for us every time we visited.
* I remember her taking me around the island and her pointing out certain important landmarks to me.
* I remember her opening her home to my grandma and her taking care of her, as if she was her own mother.
* I remember her driving my cousin, Charity to ukulele lessons.
* I remember her faith in God. When things seemed uncertain or difficult she'd always share that our trust should be in God and that we must lean in Him for all strength and understanding.

She will be missed.

Today I take a moment to remember her, her life and what she meant to her family.

This is my prayer for my aunt today:

Psalm 116:5-9

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

How precious this life is! I am intimately connected to that knowledge-- even now as I watch my baby Fiona sleeping. To be so close to the beginning and simultaneously to the end is humbling and amazing. Rest, dear Auntie.

** Friends and family-- please feel free to use this space to share memories or thoughts you have about Auntie Chita. This is a memorial dedicated to her.

then three became four...

on october 14th at 11:18 am in the morning we welcomed our new daughter into the world. fiona duran was a healthy 7.03 pounds and 18 and half inches long. big sister isabelle was excited to finally meet her new sister and is finding ways that she can comfort and cuddle her as she adjusts to this new world. frank couldn't be more proud. we had our family waiting for us in the family room and as soon as fiona was born frank took a picture and raced out to show them. he loves his girls. we are still adjusting to all the changes and anticipate that it will be awhile til everything is back to 'normal'. thank you for your love and prayers!

The Saga continues...

So... after very little sleep and going through the gamut of emotions from nervousness to excitement Frank and I trekked out to the hospital where we were scheduled to be induced this morning. We walked in the door tired but excited when the nurse looked up and said, 'Oh no. (as she looked at other nurses) This was our inducement for today. Oh no.' We just kinda looked at each other and waited for a minute when the nurse finally walked over and said that they had been so busy that for the last 8 hours their delivery room was closed to any new patients. That said, she took us to a room gave us another non-stress test to monitor the baby's heart and then after waiting for almost 2 hours we were sent home. The deal now is that if they can discharge at least 2 families by this afternoon we could go back and get induced today... If not, we will pretend it is ground hog's day (like the Billy Murray movie) and go back tomorrow and do the whole thing over again but this time with a guarantee of getting induced.

Oh I can't begin to describe how disheartened and disappointed we felt. I mean we know it'll eventually happen but it still is a great let down to us. Frank looked so disappointed and we joked how we would just start unpacking our things, get comfortable, put in a movie, I'd change into my pj's and then what could they do?? Oh well, this gives us another chance to try to get some more sleep and then we can try it again. I am sooooo looking forward to meeting this elusive girl inside me.

Baby girl will definitely be here tomorrow!

So after seeing my doctor on Friday and going into my 42nd week of pregnancy the plan was set that if I didn't go into labor this weekend that at 8 am on Monday morning I am supposed to show up at the hospital and get induced. Saturday I went in for a stress test and everything looks perfect with the baby-- her heart sounds great and she is not in distress so that is good. This weekend was an unfruitful weekend, as I didn't go into labor but I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I can't wait to meet my new daughter.

I am honestly a little scared and unsure about what to expect with the inducement, but I am hopeful and glad that I will have Frank there with me to go through the process. This week was difficult in many ways-- not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically. I have felt really worn out with all the uncertainties. Today I shared with a friend some of these struggles. I was so blessed to have some reassurance that what I am going through is normal and that when it comes time to have the baby I will know what to do and will have the support to do it. So I am trying to lean into a space of faith and trust.

A lesson in patience.

So I'm well behind on my scheduled due date to have this baby. It's been a frustrating, unproductive couple of days in the area of labor. I've found myself on several different occasions so upset that more isn't happening by way of contractions and the labor process that the emotions have actually kept me up at night. Every night I've gone to bed praying and hoping that I'll awake to horrible labor pains and contractions that would result in the birth of our new little girl. I've felt so miserable and anxious that I haven't had much time to enjoy or rest where I am at. One night as I was tossing and turning and getting more upset-- I heard a small, still voice of conviction. I realized that there was nothing I could really do to control the situation. Unfortunately, we can't force ourselves into labor-- which I realize is a gift for our own health, safety and protection. I can't force more to happen. Perhaps my body isn't ready or the baby isn't ready to enter this world. The ultimate blow of this convicting spirit was that it made me wake up to my very, stubborn will to control-- not only my labor, but everything that happens in my life. And the thing is I'm pretty good at controlling most areas of my life-- or at least I tend to think I am. So in the middle of this cold, stormy, frustrating night I realized I have a choice I can try to control the uncontrollable, the unpredictable of my life and my pregnancy or I could release, relax, let-go and trust. Oh, what a tempting offer the latter holds for me, but I realized that God can't work in my heart, in my life if I'm holding on. So although, not perfectly I am letting go-- little by little I'm letting go. The fine line of letting go at this point is making sure it's not in some desperate, manipulative attempt to make the opposite happen in my situation, but to let-go knowing, believing, engaging in hope that it'll be ok. I'll be ok. The baby will come when she's supposed to and I will be restored to sanity, as God has always provided in my life.

That said, I can't say it's been a completely unproductive couple o' days. At night or during the day when I can't rest I've been pulling out the paints, the canvas, the paper, the pen and I've been getting some creative energy out. Here are a couple of paintings I've done in the past few days and a poem. I hope to get my guitar out and write some music, too. So... it looks like some new things are being birthed in my heart even as I write this. Praise be to God.

A response to Psalm 7

like a lion they tear my soul apart.


it is dark
damp—the musk fills the window panes
wet with tears and
saliva

this pit—this gravel
I have been raked and left for dead.

It is dark
when looking into fury.
Breathe?
Breathe the suffocation.
Yet, called to be still—although forced there always
is strange choice.

My soul has been tricked
by its own conscience
to believe in false pardons
that have arisen out of rebellion and desire for
pride.

-- let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it

and let you give birth to
the scarred and the sorry

the broken whip

funny?

not sorry.

the scarred and the sorry

arise, arise and bless.

arise, arise in jest.

arise, arise be humbled.
like a lion—tamed.

Nickelsville and the barriers of homelessness...

So I've been following the Nickelsville situation for a few weeks now, as they've been getting more attention and press here in Seattle. It seems that the Nickelsville community which has just been relocated to Discovery Park from South Seattle will be having to move again... to get more info on the situation you can read here.

As an advocate for the homeless, I find myself very frustrated not only with circumstances of Nickelsville, but about the responses I have been reading from the larger community. In generally, things I've read from people's comments regarding the situation have been apathetic, unsupportive and down right negative towards the homeless community. It really doesn't surprise me I hear many of these comments from folks when they learn I work with the homeless. Yet, it still frustrates me to hear how little compassion people have towards the homeless and the barriers that so many of them face in leaving homelessness permanently.

Homelessness is a complicated, multifaceted problem. More often then not, I hear people wanting to pin the sole responsibility on the homeless individual. Having advocated for the homeless for eight years I would agree that each individual has to look at themselves, take an inventory and ownership over their own lives and the decisions they make, as well as take responsibility for choices that have sometimes put them in very compromising positions. However, I do not believe that is where we should stop when grappling with the issues of homelessness. I believe that organizations, churches and government funding should help provide more opportunities to journeying along side the homeless-- even when the results don't turn out as we expect them to. And I believe that as individuals of this society we have the responsibility to hold up our brothers and sisters in need.

You see the thing is-- when we are talking about the homeless we are not just talking about one situation or scenario. When we talk about the homeless we are talking about a multitude of stories, histories and issues that one must face if they have the misfortune of becoming homeless. We cannot generalize people and say, 'Well if the homeless would just get a job that would solve the problem or if the homeless would stop drinking then they would no longer be in the situation that they are in'. we shouldn't do this with any people group and we cannot do this with the homeless population. In my work with men and women who suffer from chronic mental illness or alcohol abuse what I've found is that there is a history of abuse and abandonment and it is a tough situation to just tell someone to get over it and just get on with it. The coalition for the homeless in Seattle sites that, "Fifty to sixty percent of the women and children who are homeless are victims of domestic abuse. There are also homeless men, including fathers with children, who are fleeing abuse". In understanding this element of homelessness we should feel the call to rally and unite around the need to help build and sustain and dream about the possibility of something outside of homelessness for each person. Just because it is complicated and difficult does not mean that it is time to disengage or grow apathetic to the need.

In the King 5 news coverage on the homeless, people commented to the article with statements that there were enough beds and that the homeless community's reluctance to go to shelter because of violence or exploitation was silly and unfounded. Well in January 2008, operation night watch conducted their annual homeless one night count and found that there were 8,439 homeless people in King County-- a 15% increase from last year of that, 5,808 beds were utilized, as well as 140 mats which were made available due to severe weather. 139 beds were made added in transitional housing programs for families with children. However, 173 units of transitional housing was removed from the 2008 inventory. In addition, there was essentially no change in the number of year-round emergency shelter beds available in 2008. So although the homeless count has increased by 15% the beds available to accommodate this increase is not there.

Several people wonder, 'Why don't the homeless just get a job'? As stated earlier, I do believe that the homeless have to be proactive in their quest to get back on their feet but sometimes it not as simple as just asking the above question. In fact statistics show that 44% of the homeless worked in the past month but did not make enough to afford housing-- the fact is there is not enough affordable housing available for low-income individuals and families which puts this population at grave risk. In Seattle, a minimum wage worker has to work more than 3 full-time jobs, or work 126 hours to afford fair market rent for a two bedroom apartment. In our economic climate we can not expect that this problem will be remedied any time soon. The National Coalition for the Homeless states, "Two trends are largely responsible for the rise in homelessness over the last 20-25 years: a growing shortage of affordable rental housing and a simultaneous increase in poverty".

The reality is that the visible homeless community is just a small window into the complexity and full spectrum of this population. What I mean by the visible homeless is those that you regularly see or would recognize as homeless just by observing them from an outside perspective. The fact of the matter is that most of the homeless community remain invisible to us. That man or woman we see on the street corner or the panhandler only make up about 8% of the total homeless population. Under the HUD (Housing and Urban Development) definition of homelessness a person is considered homeless if they are in one of the following situations:

-Places not meant for human habitation
-Emergency shelter
-Transitional housing
-In any of the above places but is spending a short time in a hospital or other institution
-Being evicted from a private dwelling
-Being discharged within a week from a institution.
-Is fleeing a domestic violence housing situation.

We generally attribute homelessness with a particular image. Here is a picture of who is homeless:

-Children under the age of 18 accounted for 39% of the homeless population, 42% of those children were under the age of five (National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty 2004).
-Men comprise of 51% of the homeless population and single women comprise of 17% (U.S. Conference of Mayors, 2005).
-The number of homeless families with children has increased significantly over the past decade. Families with children are among the fastest growing segments of the homeless population. The U.S. Conference of Mayors found that families with children comprised of 33% of the homeless population.
-Battered women who live in poverty are faced to choose between abusive relationships and homelessness. 50% of all women and children experiencing homelessness are fleeing domestic violence (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2001).
-Research indicates that 50% of homeless men have served in the armed forces.
-Approximately 16% of the single adult homeless population suffers from some form of severe and persistent mental illness (U.S. Conference of Mayors, 2005).
-The U.S. Conference of Mayors number in 2005 was 30%, for current addiction disorders among all single adults who are homeless.

The implication of these statistics make it clear that we cannot use one generalized description in identifying the homeless. However, the homeless do have some certain shared basic needs including: affordable housing, adequate incomes and health care. Based on this descriptors we see that the homeless share in the need of dignified care and resources just as we all do. This should align our stories with the homeless not create barriers that relegate us to a dichotomy of us vs. them.

Unfortunately, there are no easy solutions to the problem of homelessness. Some have commented to the King 5 article with cynicism, blaming organizations like Tent City and Share Wheel for perpetuating the cycle of homelessness. I don't believe there is any one model or solution to the problem. I do support the mission of Tent City and Share Wheel because I believe in their advocacy and their consistent support of the homeless. They have been on the front lines in several situations advocating and providing support to the homeless community. I can't say I know all of the intricacies of their services, but I respect that they value the homeless and they value the voice of the homeless-- allowing men, women and children in the community to share their stories, their experiences and their frustrations with the barriers that they must face. One of those barriers happens to be us-- the larger society and culture. It is rare to find people who genuinely and with conviction find the homeless a value to our society. We dismiss them with a glance. And the ones we don't see-- well we find our alliances on other issues rather then learning and educating ourselves on why this is a problem and how we can use our gifts to be a source of hope. It is possible to leave homelessness permanently-- I've seen it time and again but that process can span over weeks, months and into years and it is easy to lose hope and faith that their is an alternative. Perhaps part of that dream for an alternative can be our faces (those of us who live in privilege)-- perhaps we could be that face of hope, that beacon of light, that voice that says, "you matter". But it has to start somewhere-- that somewhere is you and me.

the chronicles of the belly: my belly-- a conversation piece.

it is a strange and funny phenomenon but when you are pregnant and get to a certain stage in your pregnancy (namely the stage where you are very much showing) every one comes out of the wood works with advice and theories and the insatiable need to touch you. everyone predicts the gender of the baby dependent on how you are carrying the babe, whether or not you are experiencing morning sickness, how much heartburn you have, if the baby appears to be high or low and so on and so on and so on. people are so sure at just one glance that they know exactly what you are having and when it is due. today i was shopping around at target and i was in the check out line when the cashier was like, 'you're having a boy aren't you'? with which i replied by saying, 'nope, little girl'. she then responded with, 'oh you're carrying her so high'. yet, i've heard from countless others that you can tell for sure that you are having a girl when you are carrying the baby high and that if you're carrying low then it has to be a boy. in the past two weeks these are the many words i've received:

"You are carrying the baby so high. Doesn't look like the baby will be early".
"Oh my gosh, you're baby has dropped-- you're carrying the baby so low. Looks like any day now".
"Oh my goodness, you are so small it's just like a small basketball that you are carrying around".
"Oh my gosh, you're getting fat".
"You're experiencing a lot of heartburn? That means you're having a baby with lots of hair".
"You must be having a boy because you're carrying so high".
"You must be having a girl because you're carrying so high".

in addition to the various comments i receive, i have had more people rub my tummy and ask to touch me. i think it is fair to say that this will be the only time in my life where i will have the experience of witnessing people's excitement about touching my stomach. it is hilarious how people want to touch you all the time when you are pregnant. i don't mind it much. i find it to be interesting, but the funny thing about it is that it doesn't matter if you know the person or if the person is a complete stranger chances are they are not going to be able to keep themselves from placing their hands on your belly. they touch it and they ewe and awe over it and it somehow makes them feel connected to this miracle inside you. they get all giddy and happy after touching your stomach, as if it is some good luck charm.

all this to say, my belly has been getting a lot of attention these days and it's a bit strange and surreal.

a blessing shower!

so... on saturday, september 13th our dearest friends and family hosted a blessing shower for frank, is and i. i can not even begin to articulate the love and care and support i felt that day from each person. each person left us with words of blessing and care which have been compiled into a beautiful book. i realized through the grace and generosity of my friends and family the rich and beautiful significance of having a community, a village to gather around and support one another. i will never forget that day and i am eternally thankful for each person's participation and love for my family.

*** (as baby draws near i've been feeling more and more nostalgic... here is a poem i wrote about a memory i have of friendship in san francisco...)

it

it's as old as the vintage shoes you once wore.
Then the yellow dresses with red and orange peonies splashed across visions
and brick laden sidewalks with walkers and the smell of stale cigarettes.
Squinted eyes in furry-- strained-- then waned.

and glints of white spots with blindness made memory forget.

Purple stained teeth sprinkled with the smell of fresh sangria-- then real with
lemons floating far beneath.
Stained and yet worried.
Would it flood or fade?
Picture screens and justice scattered along the bay.
For what you can't see you can't erase.
Subconscious love-- then grief-- and a window scene.
Sabotage-- the unwelcomed imaginings.

For once imagined-- cheap.

It came to me the feather, lilies and sweets. You're red and freckled.

Nostalgic happenings overwhelm and escape.

One step.

And stunned.

ready, set, go-- first day of school!

isabelle started her first day of school yesterday. it is her 2nd pre-k year at fairview christian. she was sad to learn that her teacher from last year would not be teaching her again this year... so at first she was a little reticent of joining the new class and the new teacher, but once her teacher shared with her that they had new princess gowns she was sold. it also helped that she had a handful of friends from last year joining her again this year. she was super excited about seeing her friend lily and her beloved luke.

i can't really believe that she is four and half years old! she has already big plans for when she turns five which include: driving and going to the bathroom without an adult. she's an ambitious girl! i'm looking forward to watching her grow and learn many more things this year and i am delighted to see the curiosity and wonder in her eyes when she explores and conquers a new feat!

restricted mobilization...

now that i'm in my 36th week of pregnancy 'getting comfortable' takes on a whole new meaning. my new best friends happen to be pictured above. yes, i have an intimate relationship with both tums and maalox and you can find me all throughout the day either popping tums or swigging maalox to remedy the god-awful heartburn and acid reflux i experience all day, everyday. i've taken to sleeping on the couch in an upright position to try to fight off the gross feeling. in addition, breathing has become more labored, as all of my organs have gotten squished inside the more this baby girl gets bigger. oh and the contractions have started and are sometimes more intense then other times. these are just a few of the inconveniences of pregnancy at this point. although, it is getting harder and harder to get around and find comfort i am still filled with great hope and anticipation at meeting our new little girl.

we've picked out a lovely name for her and i will not disclose that information on my public blog until she is born, but it is so fun to have something picked out and to be able to refer to her by name. i imagine in my mind what she must look like. i wonder how her and her big sister will bond. i can't wait to see her with her dad. so much to look forward to... very, very soon she will be here.

date nights= good

so after 13 years of marriage, one kid and another one on the way it is really easy for us to not make our personal connection with one another much of a priority on the to-do list of life. generally, we try to squeeze in some time here or there to spend some quality time together but if things get hectic or chaotic it generally is the first thing to go. and i'll be honest it doesn't feel good to have the inconsistency in our relationship. in fact, i've realized more and more how much i long for intimate moments to learn more about frank and expose more of my inner thoughts with him-- to get a way together and be able to sneak back into the shadow of secret only he and i will ever know.

so... this last sunday night we got to do just that! i had an extremely long day at church. yet, i wanted to make the most of it even though i was riddled with exhaustion. frank had driven to eastern washington that day to help my parents with some yard work and so he, too, was on the sleepy side but didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to get a way with me. so we got all dressed up in our very best and trekked out to a little restaurant called: tamirind tree in the ID.

now after 13 years of marriage and all you'd think it would be easy to just naturally connect but i recognize that there is always just a bit of awkwardness. after all, we're used to having a four year old ask us a ton of questions and run circles around us constantly-- so to have some quiet space to ourselves is such a foreign concept that to have anything but some awkwardness would not be a completely authentic space. so at first, we kinda looked around, chatted briefly here and there, looked at the ceiling, gazed at our menus, and averted our attentions to other people around us and so on... we didn't fall into it easily, but then it happened we got each other! we finally hit a stride and talked about everything from relationships to politics and then more politics and even some of our very own dreams for ourselves and our brood. it was wonderful. it was wonderful to be surprised and taken off guard in such a real and distinct moment and i think that somewhere in there we found a deeper love and respect for one another.

someone the other day told me that their mom had said that over the course of the years of marriage with her father that there were times that intertwined with each other where they were constantly falling in and out of love with one another. and whenever they'd fall out of love she'd take a deep breath, wait and some how in some mysterious and miraculous way she'd find the love she had for him and fall back in love. i resonated fully with that picture, as that mirrors much of our (mine & franks) experience and i believe much of the marriage experience in general. the issue isn't if you can keep a relationship that is seamless-- without conflict or strife, struggle or complete confusion. the thing is can you have faith in the middle of the unknown and trust that without even having any practical answers, strength or understanding that you can find yourselves right there back in love-- more deeply committed and overflowing with grace and respect then ever imaginable-- for that moment of time in the relationship-- IF you can hold on to some inkling of faith in the desert-- in the valley-- in the lonely space which encompasses much of the marriage experience. yes, the winds of change and swaying in & out will come but can we have the courage to see each stage, each moment through so when the birth of redemption experience comes we can see it & let it transform us at it's fullest?

race in the church-- why we must keep the dialogue moving.

today opening up cnn i came across this article entitled: why american's prefer their sunday's segregated. it was refreshing to see cnn cover such a story. i was familiar with those that they interviewed for the piece like michael emmerson and rev. rodney woo, as a few years ago i attended a conference in which they spoke on these issues. i'm looking forward to the continued dialogue @ quest... there is so much more work to be done.

so... i'm nesting. i've been planning, organizing and rearranging AND then starting over and doing it all over again. after the ultrasound of cutieness on monday i have had an extra dose of motivation. that said, i've had to start collecting a bunch of baby necessities for the little one. when isabelle was born so many people from my church community let me borrow baby stuff like a cradle swing, bouncy chair, bassinet and other stuff that helped us get through the first few months of baby transition. when isabelle got big enough i just passed those items along to others who had a need. i like the whole idea of community recycling and re-using. in fact, the only things i really bought was a crib and high chair. so this time around i needed to get a few things just to help us out. and i have a few friends who want to plan showers for the baby. but after looking at baby stuff i cannot justify spending 100's of dollars or asking others to spend 100's of dollars on things we will only use for a few months. the baby industry is nuts! seriously they market everything and make parents feel like if you are going to be good parents then you need to purchase everything! i had a friend (who's wife is due on the exact day as me) tell me he went to a store called birth and beyond and they are minimalists they encourage you to get the bare essentials because honestly, first off you don't know what your baby will like and secondly, all the marketing is a ploy to get you to spend lots of money on crap you seriously don't need.

that said, based on experience of having a baby before i kinda had an idea of stuff i'd like to have-- that i felt were essential for the first part of little one's life-- then i craiglisted it. oh my lord, craigslist is genius. i decided to look for a bassinet and found a brand new one with all the bells and whistles for 20 bucks! a very small fraction of what they are selling it for at baby's r us. i found a cradle swing (which i felt was a lifesaver for us when we first had isabelle, as it was the only thing that would put her to sleep) for 35 bucks! it was new and if i had bought it from the store with all the packaging i would have spent about $150 for it. i got a brand new stroller/car seat combo-- never been used for 45 bucks. brilliant! pretty cool way to also recycle and reuse and slow down the wheel of consumption and waste.

also, as i said earlier i have a friend who is planning a little shower for me and my family. i've decided i don't want a traditional shower this time around. i want something that incorporates my whole family and is not just about all the baby games and gifts but looks something more like a blessing. i want my male and female friends, alike, to be invited and i hope to hear my loved ones share with us their hopes and blessings for our little family. most of all, it'll be a celebration of the providence of god and his grace in allowing us to have the responsibility and blessing of parenting our two girls.

so... i had a nice week vacation with my familia! we took a few days and went over to lake chelan. it was wonderful. it was about 98 degrees outside and the resort where we stayed had 5 pools. no one seemed to be taking advantage of the amazing pools, because everyone was going to the lake so we had virtually the entire pool to ourselves. it was great:)

my favorite part was swimming with isabelle. she's gaining more and more confidence in her swimming skills. we've only taken one swimming class (which reminds me i need to get her enrolled in another one) but she just seemed to get the hang of it and she was getting braver and braver with each passing moment. watching her brought back so many nostalgic feelings of when my father taught me how to swim. it was such an amazing bonding experience! i feel that bond growing even more between me and isabelle. she has to trust me in a way that can seem risky. i'm sure she is asking herself all the time, "will she really catch me if i jump"? and when something weird happens and either me or her father are unable to catch her in just the right way it does make her second guess some things and lose just a bit of the confidence she had gained. the beautiful thing is that we just kept working it out together-- finding out what i could realistically do while finding out what her comfort level was.

this has become a bit of a metaphor for me into the larger parenting aspect of my world. as i'm preparing for this beautiful girl inside me to come join our family-- i wonder about all the balancing aspects of adding to our little clan. i know that the dynamics will shift and change and grow and be challenged. i wonder about the delicate balance of maintaining that space we've carved for isabelle and finding a new space for baby girl-- how do those merge together in a harmonious way? the other aspect of being a multiple child family is establishing a structure of fairness and equality while keeping in our minds the fact that our two girls will have different personalities, needs and aspirations. how do you uphold both in equality while recognizing that support might look extremely different based on their personal needs & personalities? as you might have figured out from all my shameless plugs of my daughter-- i am absolutely in-love with her. that being said, i wonder and sometimes worry about what my love will look like for this new girl. (parents of multiple children pipe in and share with me what this balance looks like for you) i fear creating an imbalance of the two and honestly i've seen with my own human eyes (both in my family and in other families) what it looks like when one child is more loved or favored then another. honestly, i don't worry that i'll be that kind of parent who has a favorite but i want to be aware of all the dynamics that can exist and how that can impact the family and my children's individual lives. in a family where one family member/child is upheld and loved above another there can be so much damage and pain.

it makes me think about jacob and esau in genesis. i truly believe that this is a perfect example of what the destructive breakdown of family harmony can look like when parents love one child over the other. it is a breakdown of god's intention and plan for the family-- god desires peace for the world-- a peace that stems from our families and extends to the world. now if you remember, rebecca loved jacob and isaac loved esau. the underlying structure of this imbalance of love for their sons created a world of deception, jealousy and manipulation. the final blow was a blessing robbed, confusion & misunderstanding and ultimately the separation of their family. this is not the peaceful picture that god intended for the family, but i believe this is an important example for us to look at when we are praying and discerning how we should structure our families. from the very beginning our families have been prey of dissension, envy and destruction-- remember cain & abel. so... for me as a mother of two i want to keep that balance refined and in check. i'm human who is privy to all the same temptations, depravity and brokenness that we all face so i recognize i'm not immune from making the same mistakes, but having been brought to awareness requires a different level of responsibility and proactivity on my part. the story of isaac, rebecca, jacob and esau is not told for just anecdotal reasons-- it's told as a means for us to learn from this tragedy and to reclaim the shalom that god has provided for our world and for our families. it is a story that reminds us of the damage and separation that can take place if we don't wisely discern the process of loving and supporting our children.

ok so i went off on a bit of a theological tangent... sorry :( i was gonna make this entry light. on another note, today i saw (through ultrasound) our baby girl. isabelle was able to be there with me, as well as my dear sea, sea. i can not describe to you how fascinating this was. i've had a ton of ultrasounds but today the ultrasound was so vivid and clear. we saw so many details. i could see her yawning, stretching, sucking her thumb (a close up look showed us her lips suckling on her thumb) & blinking. we saw all four chambers of her heart and the little valves opening and closing. amazing! she is 3.5 pounds and very healthy. oh my lord, she is amazingly beautiful. not to toot our own horns, but it must be said we make some really cute babies, us spauldings :)

thanks for sharing in this journey. pics from the ultra sound will be posted later.

loves,

me

Women in leadership conversation cont.

So... the other day I came across this article and I wanted to share it with you. It seems that the Catholic church held a ceremony to ordain women as priests. The Vatican made a final statement saying that they would not recognize these ordinations and in addition any woman who participated in this ceremony would be excommunicated from the church. Seems a bit extreme and oppressive. Tell me what you think. Read here.

Oh no, I don't have a penis!

This past weekend I officiated two weddings-- one on Saturday and one on Sunday. First of all, I just have to say that I absolutely love getting to be a part of a couples lives in this capacity. It's an amazing opportunity to be a part of that journey in some, intimate way. The wedding on Saturday was in Vancouver so it was about 2.5 hours a way from home. It was a lovely setting in the back yard of the bride's parent's home. It was a setting that reminded me of a movie.

Then on Sunday I had the immense privilege of officiating a wedding for a close friend of ours. I felt especially emotional and humbled at his wedding, because of the friendship we've established over the years and to be able to watch him in this next phase in this journey with his lifelong partner made me so proud and amazed.

All that to say, it is great to do the things I get to do like work with couples and officiate weddings but I admit it's always a little touch and go before, during and after each service. I usually get a sense of how I'll be received early on at the rehearsal or when I'm first introduced to family and friends of the wedding party. More often then not those that I'm introduced to have no idea who I am and where I fit and then upon hearing that I'm the minister officiating the wedding I usually get a few surprised, anxious and unsupportive looks. I fall outside of the sphere of what most people expect and what people are comfortable with in terms of what a minister should look like. It doesn't help that I look so young... so I do my best to make myself look a little older. I wear my best suit, glasses, hair back in a bun, etc... I still haven't managed to be able to trick people about my age. However, I think the thing that bothers people the most is that I am a woman. I always forget that even though we live in the 21st century and I live in a pretty progressive city in the US the reality is women in leadership is such a sensitive and controversial subject. It is touchy in all aspects of leadership from politics to business, but the church is not immune to feeling the heat of such controversy.

People might say I'm being a little too sensitive. They may ask, "Really is it that big of a deal"? So I ask you, "Shouldn't it be a big deal? Look around at most churches how many women do you see represented in leadership-- not many if any in most church settings. I am in partnership with a great denomination which affirms women in leadership and leans towards looking at people's giftedness and calling in the affirmation process, as opposed to gender. That is incredibly encouraging-- especially being a woman and having felt a distinct call on my life towards ministry, but even in this setting there are plenty of male pastors who feel like they can't support women in leadership and desire the decision to be made in the local church rather then in the larger denomination. So inevitably in all of our ordination classes the topic of the role of women in the church come up. It can be an incredibly painful conversation, especially when you hear feedback from males that if a woman talks passionately about her call and defends her position she is just being too angry and won't be received until she presents herself with more humility. Yes, I've heard those attitudes and words come across even within a denomination which clearly supports leadership of women. And it is those words and those attitudes that shut down the voice of many women who feel tired and hopeless about change ever happening. Part of the change incorporates a willingness to hear women's stories and pain. Humility must come in the act of hearing and listening... Being met with that posture can diffuse any defenses that might be present.

Although, there definitely is discomfort in many people about the idea of women in leadership I am encouraged that the church is taking steps towards engaging and interpreting this struggle differently. The Anglican church just made the decision to recognize women bishops. Read here.
Even in our Quest congregation I feel like people are engaging the topic with more openness and desire to understand. I had men and women alike following the weddings share their affirmation of my presence in the ceremony. I had an older gentleman say, "I like what you're doing". As I responded with, "What do you mean"? He went on to say, "I like that you're breaking the stereotype that only men can be ministers. You wear it well". So little by little we make headway.

It's nice to feel wanted

The last monthly or so we've been going through various life transitions. Nothing of magnitude but enough to make anyone feel a little uneasy or anxious especially if you're a four year old person. My daughter has been going through another bout of separation anxiety and usually experiences a tiny break down right before me or my husband leave her. Yesterday I was leaving her with one of our closest friends and someone who she lovingly calls 'auntie'. This is the same friend who has been hanging out with her on Mondays for over a year-- someone she feels safe and secure with and who she always has a great time hanging out with... But yesterday as I was preparing to leave for work she literally barricaded me at the door with her arms saying, "No mom! I don't want you to leave me"! It was heart wrenching! Although it felt so nice to feel wanted and longed for it hurt to see her so sad and with tears just streaming down her face. My daughter has a way of stopping me in my tracks like no other person. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling, as there are parents all over the world who experience anxiety of their own when they are leaving a sad child behind. It is such a fine balance to provide a safe, secure environment for our children. And although I'm not perfect, I try very hard to create a space where she knows somewhere deep inside that mommy and daddy are coming back and that she is their first and foremost priority and within that providing her with protection and security. It is not only my first priority for my family-- it is my passion.

This week we also welcomed a dear friend to our new house. Jenny K (as I lovingly refer to her) came into town from Michigan and it was so good to be with her. She stayed two nights at our house and we had such a wonderful time just having her there. I worked with Jenn back in the earlier days of Q Cafe. She was the cafe manager and I was the community center director and we went through many of the ups and downs together. I also feel proud of the fact that I've been around to witness so much growth and depth develop in Jenn. She is a fighter and has stuck with many difficult things and she is learning with love and grace how to stay faithful to the fight ahead so that she may live in the light of passion and redemption. It has been amazing to be on the fringes of that picture in her life. I am so proud. I am touched. I am inspired.

Last night I attended one of our monthly elder board meetings. I've been a leader at Quest for about 6 years. About a year ago we changed our leadership model to an elder board model and I went through the process of being interviewed by the church members, leadership team, etc. Anyway, shortly after that we went through a church merger with Interbay Covenant church right next to us. Through that process we gained a wealth of wisdom, depth and leadership. Our staffs were combined. We combined our leadership/elder teams. Our congregation was brought together as one church. It was amazing to watch God at work amongst both congregations. That said, it's been over a year now since that process. I can't say that the merger was not without its fair share of ups and down, but all in all it was an encouraging process (especially now in looking hindsight and having moved a way from the initial growing pains). OK, so this section isn't really about the merger-- you've heard about that before in earlier posts but what this is really about is one of the most amazing women I've ever met who joined our Elder Board this last year. She was the chair of the leadership team at Interbay church and in the midst of the merger we gained her expertise, knowledge, wonderful humor, imagination, creativity, grace and grit on the Quest Elder Board. Barbara is someone I admire so deeply. I've heard pieces of her story. A few years ago she lost her husband suddenly while they were a way on vacation and although I was not close to her during that time I've witnessed her tenacity to continue to live life to the fullest. There is always something to be learned from her. I feel tremendously blessed to be able to work so closely with her in this capacity. She is a fighter like none I've ever met. Her words are so eloquent and full of creativity that I seek to be a woman who follows closely in her footsteps. She is in her 70's and she hasn't allowed life to slow her down or keep her from dreaming. In fact, on July 12th she's traveling to Tanzania (her second trip there) to continue her work in a village called Chamwino. Keep an eye on this lady-- she will rock your world! You can check out her adventures on the Quest website and I am confidant that she will have many adventures to share upon her return.

This Sunday the 29th will mark our 12th anniversary. Having just moved we are trying to play it low-key. I just thought it would be nice for us to write a letter to each other-- commemorating in written words our life together-- how we see each other-- what we dream about-- what we hope for for the other and how we will continue to carve out a life together. Honestly, after two years it's easy to fall into the monotony of daily responsibilities and life demands and we've fallen prey to that on several occasions. I realize I still have so much to learn about what it means to love Frank without inhibition or condition. I confess I still hide behind many masks and safety nets that I've constructed to protect myself. Although, the hiding becomes more and more difficult over the course of 12 years the reality is I find places where I will not surrender to anyone-- my God or my husband. So although I'd like to think that after all this time I'm some kind of expert I'm realizing there is no such thing-- it's a myth-- constructed to keep us reaching for something that won't be held in reality. Oh yeah, to be present-- that's what we're called to. Here's to another year with Frank.

It's good to be reminded...

The last few months I've been reading (slowly) through Henry Nouwen's book: Life of the Beloved. I have purposely taking the time to let the book marinate me with words we rarely hear or acknowledge in our lives. It seems there are always more pressing things going on in the world that take the forefront of our attentions then that of hearing and accepting our 'belovedness'. Yet, I recognize that we are hungry to hear it-- to know it-- to somehow see it in our very own lives. Although, we may believe in some theological manner that we are created in God's image-- a mirror of the divine and made in a uniqueness that is all our own-- the beloved concept rarely penetrates our souls in any real or believable way. In fact, it's more common for the opposite to occur and that is when we fight off the truth by internalizing falsehoods that are outside of us and do not speak to our beauty and this grace despite our depravity. Beauty and God's grace should be the foundation in which we build our lives.

Even in the church we speak from our pulpits about grace and this idea of unconditional love but we struggle to live it out in any practical way. We still create categories that relegate people to boxes that reflect the external. Then in some viciousness we individually and corporately receive those categories as truth rather then the former. This cycle sabotages the fundamental truth of our existence. Why is it easier for us to get caught up in this broke-down system of what we believe is our worth? We are the victims and victimizers in this structure because this system is fueled by unbelief of this gracious truth for our personal stories. Although we may communicate that everyone are recipients of grace and chosen as the beloved if we don't believe it fundamentally in ourselves we can't really believe it for anyone else, hence the need for boxes and categorizations. We need something that puts some rationality around this insane message of grace.

Nouwen says, "In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to reclaim the truth that we are God's chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us. As long as we allow our parents, siblings, teachers, friends and lovers to determine whether we are chosen or not, we are caught in the net of a suffocating world that accepts or rejects us according to its own agenda of effectiveness or control... The great spiritual battle begins-- and never ends-- with the reclaiming of our chosenness. Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes. Long before anyone heard us cry or laugh, we are heard by our God who is all ears for us. Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we are spoken to by the voice of eternal love".

This is not a simple call, because the moment we begin to reclaim truth we will be overcome with lies. We will be confronted with worry and doubt-- wondering what our motivations must mean. Is it possible that we could be chosen? No, because we are meant to reject that message for fear we might come across as narcissistic or other's might perceive us as arrogant. Nouwen reminds us that there is no competition in being chosen. We are all chosen in our uniqueness and individuality. There is no one else that can claim my chosenness and I can't claim anyone elses. Then the astounding beauty of this acceptance and reclamation creates a new system where I am built in the foundation of belovedness which will only propel me forward to love and extend a grace that is profound and authentic-- one that is an extension of our redemptive stories. Now, there is nothing narcissistic about that.

I admit it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’d be surprised if anyone even reads it anymore since no one expects any new entries after months of no words. I have to confess that I feel quite conflicted about blogs and the whole blogging sphere. It actually frustrates me a lot when I think about it and I go back and forth on my position of blogs. I definitely think blogs have their place. They are a great tool to keep people who live far away from you in the loop. However, my confliction takes place when I realize I know more about those who I’m currently in close community with because of their blogs rather then intimacy and relationship being built authentically through our daily interactions. In this way blogs provide a sense of intimacy and community that is false and that cannot be maintained via the Internet hence, my frustration. So here I am… conflicted and confused and blogging. I haven’t completely given up on it and I have so many thoughts and things on my mind that I feel like its due time I share those with whoever might be interested—perhaps no one, but I’ll take my chances. I ask your forgiveness in advance as I try to articulate this jumble of thoughts that are in my head.

We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.

We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.

Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.

That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.

My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!

Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.

These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.

We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.

In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.

"i'm caucasing!"

the title of this entry was a direct quote from my three (almost four) year old daughter who attended saturday's caucus with her father and i. so yes on saturday frank, isabelle and i headed over to the caucus on market street in ballard. it was the first caucus that we ever attended and it was definitely a learning experience.

we got to our precinct and learned that we had three times the participants in our precinct then four years prior. there was a ton of energy and people were pretty emotionally fired up and ready to argue their positions.

for those of you who haven't attended a caucus before the process looks something like this:

1) find your precinct
2) sign in and vote
3) after you've voted your free to go, but if you stay for the debates you have an opportunity to change your vote
4) break up into small group and debate your positions
5) get back into larger group and listen to presentations of all sides
6) opportunity to change your votes
7) a breakdown of the votes
8) break up into the category of the person you voted for
9) select delegates
10) go home

our small group experience was very intense. people were very passionate on all sides of the issues. and although, i didn't agree with all points it was an honor to hear people's voices and to see people feeling something for their country and wanted to see change come to our nation. at the end of it my husband was nominated to be an alternate delegate. represent!

the point in time that we are in is an exciting one... what a wonderful opportunity i will have to tell my kids and grandkids about how i was a part of this history where a man and woman were both running for president! we have a lot further to go, but i am so encouraged by the progress already being made and to have my small part in the process!

the bus ride over...

so on friday i was supposed to go on a staff retreat early in the morning in yelm, but my childcare fell through so it delayed my plans a bit. as a result, we had some time in our day to head over to the big rally at the key arena for barak obama. so isabelle and i got ready and decided to take the bus downtown.

the bus ride was worth it all.

we waited patiently at the bus stop even though it was windy and cold to the bone and the bus was 20 minutes late.

when the bus finally got to us it was pretty full. we were able to snag one last seat and sit down. and pretty soon we met a bunch of different people who were all heading to the same place and there was a distinct feeling of excitement in the air. there was so much chatter and people talking about their excitement to see obama.

at the next stop about 20 more people hopped on the bus and among these folks about 15 were 7th graders. we starting talking with a couple of these middles schoolers and they shared that they too we're heading to the key arena. these kids were so excited and articulately shared their ideas on politics and their hopes for the candidates and outcomes of the election. i remember thinking to myself,"did i think about these kinds of issues when i was their age"? and the answer to that question is absolutely: no!

the amazing aspect of this event is that it was drawing different people with different backgrounds from everywhere. there is something about obama-- his passion, his vision, his ability to unite people and to inspire action that i don't think i've ever seen in my lifetime or thought possible ever. but somehow, obama is able to cross divides, break down barriers, challenge people to care and inspire people to hope again. i felt that from each person on that bus-- the potential to hope.

we finally made it to our stop and after hearing that the venue was full isabelle and i ran as fast as we could to get to the door, but unfortunately the rumor was true they were at capacity and were turning people a way.

even outside the energy was high and people were excited to just be in the same vicinity as obama. it was an inspiring turnout. as i took a quick survey i was so inspired to see such a diverse crowd: people ranged from young to old, from different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. i haven't seen anything like it in all my life.

so we didn't get in, but the bus ride was worth it all.

is it possible??

when i was young girl whenever i thought about what i wanted to do with my life when i got older it always consisted of one of two things: being a singer or becoming a counselor. i'm going to just concentrate on the latter and post another site about the desire to sing another time... but i knew at a pretty young age that i wanted to help people and the natural fit for me was to be a therapist. so when i got older and when i was in college i began to really pursue this passion of mine.

upon graduating from central i went on to study for my master's in counseling psychology at marshill graduate school. it was a great experience for me and i was affirmed in this setting that i was on the right vocational track through the voices of my instructors, fellow classmates, how i simply excelled in the program, how my love for people grew and my desire to help deepened. my vocational future seemed pretty clear cut and i was working towards making that dream a reality which included this whole idea about private practice and therapy. the model of therapy was pitched to us in a particular manner and although not every student went onto become a professional therapists-- if you were on that track it inevitably meant private practice and doing therapy in a particular setting and way which also meant a particular population that the therapist would be sitting across from.

upon graduating from marshill i had to figure out how to take all this newly acquired knowledge and my dreams and put things into motion. it was really tough at first. i finished my last class in august just a few weeks before september 11th occurred. when i had finally completed everything there was no work available, i didn't have the means to start a business as a private practitioner and i needed to eat. i ended up having to take a job just to pay bills as a sales associate at urban outfitters which proved to be probably the most depressing time of my life and i remember seeing fellow graduates come into the store while i ducked behind and in between clothing racks to avoid being seen out of sheer embarrassment. but then there was a break-- i applied for a position as a case manager to go on working with homeless and parenting young women (ages ranged from 17 to 23). i got the job! i was excited i finally was going to put all this theory into practice. this job was like vocational boot camp for me. as you may know already, the world of case management is very different from the therapy i was trained to administer and the whole experience-- setting, population, everything didn't fit the model i'd been accustomed to, but none-the-less i had the chance to 'be' in these young women and their children's lives. my case management experience included helping the young mothers set goals, get to appointments for housing, health care & other important meetings, as well as a whole lot of babysitting. it wasn't what i envisioned vocationally but there was a need and i was trying to stay faithful even in the fire with my clients. and god knows, these girls made me run an obstacle course. these girls were not interested in any theoretical BS. if you didn't live hope then you were a fraud. i was only there for a year but it was the beginning of a new kind of path, the beginning of different dreams and the start of my very long courtship with the homeless.

i went from friends of youth to working with homeless adults at the church council of greater seattle and then to quest community development where we began developing an outreach program for homeless people in need of basic resources and someone to point them to resources like housing, shelter and so on... basically my point is that the experience i had at friends of youth started me on a path of advocacy for the homeless. it started me asking questions: like how can we devleop more opportunities? what does the barrier look like for someone who is trying to leave homelessness permanently? what are the root reasons for homelessness from a societal perspective to personal story and individual choice? and on some level i feel plagued because i realize that the mental and emotional health care that so many are able to receive in the US is unaccessible to a great many who need it desperately. how can we as practitioners make our services accessible among the low-income and homeless men, women and children in our communities? i know there are many great organizations that provide case management and there are public mental health centers but that still leaves people out who are in need of specialized services and support.

as a practitioner myself i don't feel it would be in good conscience for me to just set up a practice only targeting middle class americans and abandon the needs of so many that need this service in order to leave the cycle and roots of homelessness or poverty that they are living in. it is an essential part of the process of providing holistic care for people. we can help men, women and children in transitioning out of transitional housing or shelter to get into programs for permanent housing and stable jobs but how will they keep those things if they are still living with pasts that bear memories of abuse or addiction or mental health problems. i worked with a woman for years who lived in our transitional housing program through Self-Managed Housing and she kept finding herself back in the same cycle of homelessness to a short bout of housing to back to being homeless. at one point when i was working with her she was experiencing such great depression and anxiety that she locked herself in her room for days without ever coming out. other women in the house were concerned and drew my attention to it. i started meeting with her weekly and the thing i found as the primary barrier to her being able to maintain a job or a home was this great level of depression, anxiety and paranoia. the roots of this depression, anxiety and paranoia was the memory of sexual abuse that she had experienced in her family which led her to run a way and live on the streets a way from the abuse of her home. she was in desperate need of therapy, yet she couldn't afford it. she was weary of public mental health because she'd been dragged through a system that she was only allowed to be a part of as long as she could prove her instability through psych evaluations. it because a vicious cycle which only led her back to homelessness, despair and desperation.

it is stories like these that haunt me and compel me to ask the counseling community what more can be done? sliding scales are a start but what more can be done in order to help people in need who are great candidates for therapy and who do not have the means to pay?

having just started a private practice myself i am very aware of the traditional model. however, i am working on a dream and vision to hopefully bridge a gap in the way that we practice and to broaden the gap to incorporate a broader population in our work. i am hoping to start a network where counselors can be working together to provide services as an act of justice and compassion in our communities. through this network we could be creating a model that i like to call: community exchange. in a nutshell, services would be provided in exchange for an agreed upon fee arrangement or pro-bono for community service. in other words, clients in positions where they do not have the financial means to pay a therapist the regular fee would commit to donating their time and resources to an organization of their choice, volunteering their time back into the community. i think this is a wonderful therapeutic model-- not only is the therapist giving service to the client sitting across from them but the client is giving back to the community, re-engaging with the community and finding new vigor in their passions-- this is therapy. our jobs as counselors are to be to help people re-engage with themselves and with others in healthier, life-giving ways.

hope... not blind optimism

i am currently reading a book by peter j. gomes entitles, 'the scandalous gospel of jesus'. in this book gomes says, 'dietrich bonhoeffer once warned against cheap grace, and i warn now against cheap hope. hope is not merely the optimistic view that somehow everything will turn out all right in the end if everyone just does as we do. hope is the more rugged, the more muscular view that even if things don't turn out all right and aren't all right, we endure through and beyond the times that disappoint or threaten to destroy us'.

a very strong point that gomes makes is by asking the question: how do we live in the world while not conforming to the world? its a hard question to ask much less answer in the space of history we now reside. especially as we look at our political climate and the way in which religion always seems to be in the mix of politics not really for the reason of sharing the gospel but more for how religiosity can sway a certain kind of vote. so what is faith and politics supposed to look like?

i know that my faith strongly influences my choices especially in the arena of politics and not always for all the same reasons it influences other christians, but today i stand extremely excited about the results of the iowa caucus. seeing obama take the lead with 38% of the support is very encouraging indeed. i am excited to hear about someone who is ready to tackle the issues of affordable health care, the war on iraq and other issues that have been skirted around for some time. but mostly what i heard in obama's speech is this idea of hope not blind optimism where people come together to work towards a just end. that is something i can get on board with... you got me obama. i have hope.

Dear Friends,

This is an announcement to inform you that I am starting a new private practice in the Greenlake area. I want to invite you to check out the new website and feel free to utilize it as a tool to refer contacts that you might know who are looking for a counselor in the Seattle area. Thank you for your support.

Happy New Year!!

DeAnza

new website:
www.deanzaspauldingcounseling.com