The Marriage Crucible

This past weekend I taught the premarital class, a class I've been teaching for years. There are a few things in my work at Quest that I absolute delight in and look forward to-- this being one of them. It is an honor to join in the celebration of lives coming together to covenant and forge a shared path. I see on each face the joy and delight in embarking on the journey of unity and togetherness with the one that has captured their heart and opened possibilities and hopes that were hidden in their soul. I see joy. I see anticipation with bated breath. I see desire. I see wonder. And in the midst of excitement and celebration I see folks teetering on the tension of fear as they embark on the unknown. The road of marriage is both, and... It is a joy, beauty & privilege and it is a crucible that is heavy & wrought with burden.

One of the sections I cover during my session is the theology of marriage and family. The theology of marriage:
Covenant: To love and be loved
Intimacy: To know and be known
Empowerment: To serve and be served
Grace: To forgive and be forgiven

This model reminds me of a rotating wheel... in marriage, as you are being given to, you are giving; as you are being loved you are loving; as you are discovering, you are being discovered; as you are serving, you are being served; as you are being forgiven, you are extending grace. It is constant movement along a continuum in which we hope to fall somewhere in the center of peace and balance. Unfortunately, we are not wheels connected to a machine where we can plug in a formula and rotate in perfect harmony, balance and at a steady rate-- instead our wheel's experience glitches and hiccups and bumps along the way. Those bumps are sometimes manifested through the natural rhythm of life while at other times glitches are evident because of the truth that we are imperfect, flawed and depraved at our very cores.

So... in our most intimate relationships we experience more often than not a reality where sometimes our input is more than our output and vice-versa and the more comfortable and familiar we get in our relationships the more lazy we become in striving towards that balance. Yet, the balance we strive for is somewhere in the center of the continuum between giver and recipient. Imagine this continuum-- at the extreme end of one side we have giver and on the other end there is receiver. If at any point a person is functioning primarily towards one end of the spectrum or the other they are entering into dangerous territory. At the extreme end of 'receiver', one is functioning in narcissism. In this person's reality, the world revolves around him/her without the need, desire or willingness to make any effort. At the other end of the continuum, we have an individual who is functioning in co-dependency under the premise and belief that all things can only be held in balance if he/she keeps up the frenetic pace of perfection. At it's worse this person loves to control his/her destiny and that of everyone that is surrounding him/her. These are dangerous extremes and so as people of covenant and vow our focus has to be movement towards shalom and the sweetness of symmetry.

*sigh* At it's best, this picture is one about self-sacrifice and mutual submission-- the laying down of one's self everyday. The central message of Ephesians 5:22-33 is this: give up your life, wife; give up your life, husband. The call is a weighty one that requires an honest account of our inner lives. What are our gods? Where are our idols? More often than not, we find that our inner values lie in our ideals, our agendas, our right to be anonymous and hidden, but the crucible of marriage applies pressure on those things because it won't allow us to be comfortable or be veiled. And although, we all say we want companionship under the context of transparency and vulnerability what we really value and elevate more is safety, comfort & our space where we are withheld and hidden. (Genesis 3:7)

I can go on and on about the theology of marriage and about the theoretical foundations of relationship, but when the rubber hits the road it exposes my very, tangible short-comings and sin. I don't have a handle on these concepts in any practical way in my relationship. Where I think I am succeeding (after checking in with husband) is usually where I am failing the most. I have a distorted picture of myself and what I bring to the marriage more often than not. I think that it is one of those human elements in our condition as fallen people to always see ourselves just slightly in a different light-- for the worse or for the better. If ever so slightly, we're viewing the reflections of ourselves in a skewed manner this can bear heavy implications on our marriages and on our spouses. So it has to come back to taking in an honest account of who we are... the good, the bad, the ugly.

This is difficult work. And after teaching a great class I check in with my husband to ask, "am I on track"? I know in his eyes and in his answer he understands the theoretical framework but in practicality he is on the other end of my failings and I on the other end of his and this is where the answer to, "am I on track?" veers off and says, "Sometimes, but we have our whole lives to journey on that path together in grace and reconciliation". There is definitely hope in that answer. I can rest in that and I am grateful that I have a partner committed to me-- shortcomings and all.