Daily Reminders

This year has been both a joyous year and a year of grief. We welcomed our daughter, Isabelle Rose into this world on March 3rd. What an amazing addition she has been to our family. Every day I am humbled just a little more by her presence in our lives. After I had Isabelle I dealt with some Post-partum which I was surprised by. You really do not know what it is like until you experience it. And it was really hard and isolating. After much discernment and contemplation, a friendship of 20 years ended which was a source of a lot of grief. And here I am today trying to make sense and find meaning in all of it. Although, I know God has a purpose for everything, the good and the bad, I am trying to see where I fit into all of this. I believe that all things fall into God's will and even though he may not intend for painful and grievious events to take place in our lives sometimes it is our will that creates these struggles. Sometimes it is our will that interrupts the will of God's redemption. When relationships end how does that fall into God's purpose and plan? If I believe that God is a God of reconciliation, forgiveness and grace what do those words mean in the moment when relationships might be more edifying in their termination than their survival? I'm certainly not ready to answer these questions, because I have no answers. Sometimes it's a matter of grieving the loss and realizing that there are no simple answers. We want to compartmentalize these events into God's plan... maybe it is not God's plan... maybe it is our sin. I don't know. I know that it is painful. It is hard. And I will always wish for redemption today.

leaving sun

it is cold
dark
and wet with tears
this haven
is thinning and gone
one last embrace
one last kiss upon your face
like leaving the sun
20 years today I knew you
where crickets sang
leaves danced
red polka dots
melted in tiny hands
where lines took forms
in endless patterns of waves
where eyes looked straight
and narrow
and senses grew to love
the innocence of picking petals
smelling pine
drinking laughter
vulnerable affections peered in
gazed out
warm orange afternoons
reminded us to remember
the glow
of knowing and being known
and it is here
where I was known.