The Lord be with you.

I'm attending a mid-winter conference for the covenant church in Chicago. It's my first conference i've attended for our denomination and to be honest these sort of events are my least favorite to attend. I always get a little anxious before I come to large events where I will not know very many. Yet, I anticipate those that I will meet and find connection with... maybe someone who's ministry intersects with the ministry of Quest. These events are also hard because it is hard to find a moment to yourself. There are people everywhere and people who want to introduce you to their people and so on. But it is all out of kindness. i am unsure of my ability to 'represent' accurately the body of Quest to those who want to know what we've been up to... I find myself asking what image should I present? Now i'm here and with the majority of the folks white males over the age of 45 I find it hard to figure out where I fit in all of this. And I feel God gently rebuking me, because I realize i'm not here to fit... i'm here to grow.

The last few months i've been really wrestling with God. i keep asking him, "What do you want with me?" As if it isn't enough that i have health, amazing ministry and work, beautiful family and His very grace in my life. i keep asking, "Where do you want me?" And i keep asking it because I don't listen or maybe I ignore that he is saying, "right here". My best friend keeps underlying the difficulty I am having in staying in the here and now and affirming me to be content with the present. I simply ignore. What i've been learning at this conference is making me have to examine all my motivations or rather the conference has been a catalyst (through it's speakers) to show me that I have some re-prioritizing to do in my life. One speaker in particular who has a profound impact on my spiritual journey and life is Dr. Marva Dawn. She is a phenomenal presence. Her words and work are encouraging the church to look at our commitments. Where are our commitments? Are they in our numbers? Our programs? Our buildings? Or are they simply found in our desire for community, relationships, embodiment of the Spirit through the fellowship of our human hearts?

That said, i've got a confession to make: i want to be important. I want to have meaning, purpose and fulfillment. Certainly there is nothing wrong with purpose or meaning or satisfaction. We all desperately want to impact our world and those in it. Unfortunately, it has been one of the strongest gods in my life. I've elevated my importance above my family, my church, my community and the relationships that God has so graciously given to me. My work has been a platform for me to attract those who might think i'm important, worthy or needed in the church of Christ. Today I am found convicted of this awful truth. And although God has given me certain giftedness I am corrected today that my gifts were not given to me so that I could make a dent in this world and be important my gifts were given so that i can love God and love people. My gifts are a platform for me to express my deepest gratitude and love to God.

This is continued in the next post...