Cont. from last post

So I'm left to discern God's calling for my life and how I am to use my calling to simply love more. I think the first step to doing that is be humbled, Everytime I try to figure out how to be important it takes my focus away from how I can serve my family, my community, the homeless, the broken and all those that God brings into my path.

God's revelation has made me examine myself deeper and ask what void am I trying to fill. I am ashamed that my care is so selfishly motivated. So I write this to confess that I am a mess. I'm not sure how God will choose to use me in the work of His kingdom. However, I am encouraged because I am reminded that despite my messiness he plans to use me just as he did with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I must trust. I must wait. I must hear.

The thing is... is I have exteme unrealistic and idealistic expectations for what the church should look like. I can't help but feel disappointed at our lack of being able to hear and see each other and minister to that desperate need. But I realize that my expectations have been set on my hope of what the future church will be as the bride of Christ. And that the fine balance for me is be in great anticipation of Christ's return and the beauty and fellowship we will have among each other and with God and not to kill that hope when I feel disappointed that I'm still living in a broken, dysfunctional family. I want the future now and I expect the church to embody all His perfection today. But God is showing me that as a church although we have a responsibility to respond to the Gospel and move towards greater depth in our lives spiritually we will never completely be there until His return. I cling to this hope. I'm relying on this truth. And in the meantime I want to live out the tension of dignity and depravity, I want to embody our brokeness mended in grace to remind me that we desperately need God.