Our sexuality in question...
As a therapist and as a pastor who helps teach the premarital class at Quest I am reminded time and again through observation and conversation how far we are from having a full understanding and acceptance of our sexuality. We are deeply embedded in shame and denial of our sexuality as being a central part of who we are as humans. We've some how dichotomized our actual identities as being separate from our sexuality. We don't talk about how these elements of the human condition are not mutual exclusive entities but how they are deeply integrated into who are as humans and as Christians who believe that we are created in the very image of God.
In the last class I taught we covered the topic of sexuality and as I prepped for the class the question that came to mind was, "Why do we only think of sexuality as an activity and not as an integrated aspect of our selves"? I realized I couldn't even address the subject without posing this question to the class... We can talk about ourselves as spiritual persons, emotional persons, biological persons but our sexuality always gets discussed in terms of 'how tos' and 'whens', as opposed to the centrality of it in our personhood. In my research for answers I found Tina Schermer Seller's blog. She is a professor at SPU and has done extensive research on the subject. I recommend taking a look at her blog. Here is a quote from her, "Sexuality is something we are – not something we do – more than a set of behaviors. It is the vital creative force of our life – our very soul and mind manifest its loves and passions through our body. We create and appreciate creation through our body. We hold and love through our body. In fact when our body exhales its last breath we cease being able to live out our mind, heart and soul here on earth. The desire to love with our bodies, to understand and appreciate the awakening sexual desires across our lifecycle, is core to our human experience."
Here are some questions on the topic that I'd like to further explore... Something to consider in this question of identity is why do heterosexuals divide the self from sexuality? What do we have to learn from the gay and lesbian community in terms of understanding our sexuality as part of who we are as people and how we identify ourselves? How do we get to our concepts of sex? Why is it important and healthy to come back to an integration of our sexuality as part of our core identities? What's the danger in the separation? How do we perpetuate this dichotomy, especially as heterosexuals?
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6 comments:
Very good questions, D. And thanks for pointing to that blog.
Sexuality happens to be one of my biggest frustrations with the church (or is it Christians?). I understand (mostly) the idea of purity and sharing with one person, but how we choose to incorporate that into a post-modern Christian culture is far from ideal.
:begin rant:
First off we have the "Married woman as virgins and are terrified of sex." They were taught their whole lives that sex is bad and to be avoided, and then in one magical night, they are supposed to perform like a tart. What's up with that?
This group (along with a shocking number of single women) also tends to fall into the, "I've never had an orgasm" group. I'm sorry, what? Have you never masturbated? Experimented? Why is it that men can embrace their bodies and women can't?
How are we supposed to ask someone else to know and love and appreciate our bodies if we are fearful of them ourselves?
Then we have the sinner/saint category. These are the folks that go back and forth between being promiscuous and shutting down all sexuality. This all or nothing leaves people with a warped sexuality. Here they have experienced the physical pleasure of sex but are immediately shamed by the enjoyment. How then are they to enjoy themselves in the "right" circumstances? They don't. They turn themselves off completely having fully internalized the "sex is wrong" attitude.
I remember talking to a friend who said that sexuality is a part of our creative being, that when we paint or sing or build or shine, that we are expressing some piece of our sexuality. I found this a powerful and enticing way to view ourselves, incorporating our sexual being as part of something that is natural and to be celebrated.
I'm not sure I had a point to all of this...
Hey, how interesting- I was having a round table discussion at lunch with Tina (and others) today, and she was talking about some of these same ideas in her current book. It sounded like her experiences with some SPU students left her convinced that there is something deeply flawed about traditional "conservative Christian" perspectives on sexuality- and a lot of it stems from the dualism that hijacked a lot of NT theology. So she's digging into some ancient Jewish texts to recover a more holistic perspective on mind-soul-body.
just-a-mom,
i identify with many of your frustrations. it is a dehumanizing approach for both men and women. i have found a shocking amount of women sharing with me this 'theology' or idea that their bodies and sexual availability is determined and initiated by their husbands only and the feeling that their obligation is to be available when needed/wanted, as if a piece of meat just waiting to be consumed with little control or voice on the matter. very scary. but i find this not to be just damaging to the female psyche but also to the male... a lack of connection is inevitable in this system and a gross miscalculation of one's human dignity will be perpetuated in this structure. i've had to face this reality with sadness & grief knowing that it is a system that has been integrated into my identity and has created a level of disconnect and 'knowing' of my self holistically. vagina monologues was liberating for me. the book 'female perversions' also goes into the repression of female sexuality and the psychological damage that is embedded and exemplified through various aspects of self-contempt and a 'turning in' on oneself in pathologies such as: eating disorders, self-mutilation, a distorted self image and so on... i'm also excited about tina schermer sellers work because she is weaving sexuality in with the larger reality that we are created divinely as sexual beings. i loved that she wrote, "God gave us our sexual desires on purpose, they are a gift, just as our bodies, minds, hearts and relationships are gifts - to learn with and from … and to enjoy and honor. In case you have a sliver of doubt, ask yourself why God gave women a clitoris. It is the only aspect of the human body whose one and only purpose is sexual pleasure."
David- great to hear that you work with Tina and that there are round table discussions on the subject @ SPU (and at lunch no less). Put in a good word for us. I'm hoping to get her to come out and teach in the fall on the topic: Marriage and Sexuality. I'm intrigued by her work.
Love it, love it, love it. This is SUCH a huge and important conversation - one that has literally changed my life over the past couple of years.
One more thing... In the process of my own sexual awakening, I said to a friend, "It's so exciting. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I want to have sex with everyone I know." My friend responded, "Maybe it's not that you want to have sex with everyone but that you are realizing that you ARE sex!" Wow - such an amazing and liberating moment. I'm still processing the implications of that statement - "I am sex."
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