Oh no, I don't have a penis!
This past weekend I officiated two weddings-- one on Saturday and one on Sunday. First of all, I just have to say that I absolutely love getting to be a part of a couples lives in this capacity. It's an amazing opportunity to be a part of that journey in some, intimate way. The wedding on Saturday was in Vancouver so it was about 2.5 hours a way from home. It was a lovely setting in the back yard of the bride's parent's home. It was a setting that reminded me of a movie.
Then on Sunday I had the immense privilege of officiating a wedding for a close friend of ours. I felt especially emotional and humbled at his wedding, because of the friendship we've established over the years and to be able to watch him in this next phase in this journey with his lifelong partner made me so proud and amazed.
All that to say, it is great to do the things I get to do like work with couples and officiate weddings but I admit it's always a little touch and go before, during and after each service. I usually get a sense of how I'll be received early on at the rehearsal or when I'm first introduced to family and friends of the wedding party. More often then not those that I'm introduced to have no idea who I am and where I fit and then upon hearing that I'm the minister officiating the wedding I usually get a few surprised, anxious and unsupportive looks. I fall outside of the sphere of what most people expect and what people are comfortable with in terms of what a minister should look like. It doesn't help that I look so young... so I do my best to make myself look a little older. I wear my best suit, glasses, hair back in a bun, etc... I still haven't managed to be able to trick people about my age. However, I think the thing that bothers people the most is that I am a woman. I always forget that even though we live in the 21st century and I live in a pretty progressive city in the US the reality is women in leadership is such a sensitive and controversial subject. It is touchy in all aspects of leadership from politics to business, but the church is not immune to feeling the heat of such controversy.
People might say I'm being a little too sensitive. They may ask, "Really is it that big of a deal"? So I ask you, "Shouldn't it be a big deal? Look around at most churches how many women do you see represented in leadership-- not many if any in most church settings. I am in partnership with a great denomination which affirms women in leadership and leans towards looking at people's giftedness and calling in the affirmation process, as opposed to gender. That is incredibly encouraging-- especially being a woman and having felt a distinct call on my life towards ministry, but even in this setting there are plenty of male pastors who feel like they can't support women in leadership and desire the decision to be made in the local church rather then in the larger denomination. So inevitably in all of our ordination classes the topic of the role of women in the church come up. It can be an incredibly painful conversation, especially when you hear feedback from males that if a woman talks passionately about her call and defends her position she is just being too angry and won't be received until she presents herself with more humility. Yes, I've heard those attitudes and words come across even within a denomination which clearly supports leadership of women. And it is those words and those attitudes that shut down the voice of many women who feel tired and hopeless about change ever happening. Part of the change incorporates a willingness to hear women's stories and pain. Humility must come in the act of hearing and listening... Being met with that posture can diffuse any defenses that might be present.
Although, there definitely is discomfort in many people about the idea of women in leadership I am encouraged that the church is taking steps towards engaging and interpreting this struggle differently. The Anglican church just made the decision to recognize women bishops. Read here.
Even in our Quest congregation I feel like people are engaging the topic with more openness and desire to understand. I had men and women alike following the weddings share their affirmation of my presence in the ceremony. I had an older gentleman say, "I like what you're doing". As I responded with, "What do you mean"? He went on to say, "I like that you're breaking the stereotype that only men can be ministers. You wear it well". So little by little we make headway.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
It's nice to feel wanted
The last monthly or so we've been going through various life transitions. Nothing of magnitude but enough to make anyone feel a little uneasy or anxious especially if you're a four year old person. My daughter has been going through another bout of separation anxiety and usually experiences a tiny break down right before me or my husband leave her. Yesterday I was leaving her with one of our closest friends and someone who she lovingly calls 'auntie'. This is the same friend who has been hanging out with her on Mondays for over a year-- someone she feels safe and secure with and who she always has a great time hanging out with... But yesterday as I was preparing to leave for work she literally barricaded me at the door with her arms saying, "No mom! I don't want you to leave me"! It was heart wrenching! Although it felt so nice to feel wanted and longed for it hurt to see her so sad and with tears just streaming down her face. My daughter has a way of stopping me in my tracks like no other person. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling, as there are parents all over the world who experience anxiety of their own when they are leaving a sad child behind. It is such a fine balance to provide a safe, secure environment for our children. And although I'm not perfect, I try very hard to create a space where she knows somewhere deep inside that mommy and daddy are coming back and that she is their first and foremost priority and within that providing her with protection and security. It is not only my first priority for my family-- it is my passion.
This week we also welcomed a dear friend to our new house. Jenny K (as I lovingly refer to her) came into town from Michigan and it was so good to be with her. She stayed two nights at our house and we had such a wonderful time just having her there. I worked with Jenn back in the earlier days of Q Cafe. She was the cafe manager and I was the community center director and we went through many of the ups and downs together. I also feel proud of the fact that I've been around to witness so much growth and depth develop in Jenn. She is a fighter and has stuck with many difficult things and she is learning with love and grace how to stay faithful to the fight ahead so that she may live in the light of passion and redemption. It has been amazing to be on the fringes of that picture in her life. I am so proud. I am touched. I am inspired.
Last night I attended one of our monthly elder board meetings. I've been a leader at Quest for about 6 years. About a year ago we changed our leadership model to an elder board model and I went through the process of being interviewed by the church members, leadership team, etc. Anyway, shortly after that we went through a church merger with Interbay Covenant church right next to us. Through that process we gained a wealth of wisdom, depth and leadership. Our staffs were combined. We combined our leadership/elder teams. Our congregation was brought together as one church. It was amazing to watch God at work amongst both congregations. That said, it's been over a year now since that process. I can't say that the merger was not without its fair share of ups and down, but all in all it was an encouraging process (especially now in looking hindsight and having moved a way from the initial growing pains). OK, so this section isn't really about the merger-- you've heard about that before in earlier posts but what this is really about is one of the most amazing women I've ever met who joined our Elder Board this last year. She was the chair of the leadership team at Interbay church and in the midst of the merger we gained her expertise, knowledge, wonderful humor, imagination, creativity, grace and grit on the Quest Elder Board. Barbara is someone I admire so deeply. I've heard pieces of her story. A few years ago she lost her husband suddenly while they were a way on vacation and although I was not close to her during that time I've witnessed her tenacity to continue to live life to the fullest. There is always something to be learned from her. I feel tremendously blessed to be able to work so closely with her in this capacity. She is a fighter like none I've ever met. Her words are so eloquent and full of creativity that I seek to be a woman who follows closely in her footsteps. She is in her 70's and she hasn't allowed life to slow her down or keep her from dreaming. In fact, on July 12th she's traveling to Tanzania (her second trip there) to continue her work in a village called Chamwino. Keep an eye on this lady-- she will rock your world! You can check out her adventures on the Quest website and I am confidant that she will have many adventures to share upon her return.
This Sunday the 29th will mark our 12th anniversary. Having just moved we are trying to play it low-key. I just thought it would be nice for us to write a letter to each other-- commemorating in written words our life together-- how we see each other-- what we dream about-- what we hope for for the other and how we will continue to carve out a life together. Honestly, after two years it's easy to fall into the monotony of daily responsibilities and life demands and we've fallen prey to that on several occasions. I realize I still have so much to learn about what it means to love Frank without inhibition or condition. I confess I still hide behind many masks and safety nets that I've constructed to protect myself. Although, the hiding becomes more and more difficult over the course of 12 years the reality is I find places where I will not surrender to anyone-- my God or my husband. So although I'd like to think that after all this time I'm some kind of expert I'm realizing there is no such thing-- it's a myth-- constructed to keep us reaching for something that won't be held in reality. Oh yeah, to be present-- that's what we're called to. Here's to another year with Frank.
The last monthly or so we've been going through various life transitions. Nothing of magnitude but enough to make anyone feel a little uneasy or anxious especially if you're a four year old person. My daughter has been going through another bout of separation anxiety and usually experiences a tiny break down right before me or my husband leave her. Yesterday I was leaving her with one of our closest friends and someone who she lovingly calls 'auntie'. This is the same friend who has been hanging out with her on Mondays for over a year-- someone she feels safe and secure with and who she always has a great time hanging out with... But yesterday as I was preparing to leave for work she literally barricaded me at the door with her arms saying, "No mom! I don't want you to leave me"! It was heart wrenching! Although it felt so nice to feel wanted and longed for it hurt to see her so sad and with tears just streaming down her face. My daughter has a way of stopping me in my tracks like no other person. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling, as there are parents all over the world who experience anxiety of their own when they are leaving a sad child behind. It is such a fine balance to provide a safe, secure environment for our children. And although I'm not perfect, I try very hard to create a space where she knows somewhere deep inside that mommy and daddy are coming back and that she is their first and foremost priority and within that providing her with protection and security. It is not only my first priority for my family-- it is my passion.
This week we also welcomed a dear friend to our new house. Jenny K (as I lovingly refer to her) came into town from Michigan and it was so good to be with her. She stayed two nights at our house and we had such a wonderful time just having her there. I worked with Jenn back in the earlier days of Q Cafe. She was the cafe manager and I was the community center director and we went through many of the ups and downs together. I also feel proud of the fact that I've been around to witness so much growth and depth develop in Jenn. She is a fighter and has stuck with many difficult things and she is learning with love and grace how to stay faithful to the fight ahead so that she may live in the light of passion and redemption. It has been amazing to be on the fringes of that picture in her life. I am so proud. I am touched. I am inspired.
Last night I attended one of our monthly elder board meetings. I've been a leader at Quest for about 6 years. About a year ago we changed our leadership model to an elder board model and I went through the process of being interviewed by the church members, leadership team, etc. Anyway, shortly after that we went through a church merger with Interbay Covenant church right next to us. Through that process we gained a wealth of wisdom, depth and leadership. Our staffs were combined. We combined our leadership/elder teams. Our congregation was brought together as one church. It was amazing to watch God at work amongst both congregations. That said, it's been over a year now since that process. I can't say that the merger was not without its fair share of ups and down, but all in all it was an encouraging process (especially now in looking hindsight and having moved a way from the initial growing pains). OK, so this section isn't really about the merger-- you've heard about that before in earlier posts but what this is really about is one of the most amazing women I've ever met who joined our Elder Board this last year. She was the chair of the leadership team at Interbay church and in the midst of the merger we gained her expertise, knowledge, wonderful humor, imagination, creativity, grace and grit on the Quest Elder Board. Barbara is someone I admire so deeply. I've heard pieces of her story. A few years ago she lost her husband suddenly while they were a way on vacation and although I was not close to her during that time I've witnessed her tenacity to continue to live life to the fullest. There is always something to be learned from her. I feel tremendously blessed to be able to work so closely with her in this capacity. She is a fighter like none I've ever met. Her words are so eloquent and full of creativity that I seek to be a woman who follows closely in her footsteps. She is in her 70's and she hasn't allowed life to slow her down or keep her from dreaming. In fact, on July 12th she's traveling to Tanzania (her second trip there) to continue her work in a village called Chamwino. Keep an eye on this lady-- she will rock your world! You can check out her adventures on the Quest website and I am confidant that she will have many adventures to share upon her return.
This Sunday the 29th will mark our 12th anniversary. Having just moved we are trying to play it low-key. I just thought it would be nice for us to write a letter to each other-- commemorating in written words our life together-- how we see each other-- what we dream about-- what we hope for for the other and how we will continue to carve out a life together. Honestly, after two years it's easy to fall into the monotony of daily responsibilities and life demands and we've fallen prey to that on several occasions. I realize I still have so much to learn about what it means to love Frank without inhibition or condition. I confess I still hide behind many masks and safety nets that I've constructed to protect myself. Although, the hiding becomes more and more difficult over the course of 12 years the reality is I find places where I will not surrender to anyone-- my God or my husband. So although I'd like to think that after all this time I'm some kind of expert I'm realizing there is no such thing-- it's a myth-- constructed to keep us reaching for something that won't be held in reality. Oh yeah, to be present-- that's what we're called to. Here's to another year with Frank.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
It's good to be reminded...
The last few months I've been reading (slowly) through Henry Nouwen's book: Life of the Beloved. I have purposely taking the time to let the book marinate me with words we rarely hear or acknowledge in our lives. It seems there are always more pressing things going on in the world that take the forefront of our attentions then that of hearing and accepting our 'belovedness'. Yet, I recognize that we are hungry to hear it-- to know it-- to somehow see it in our very own lives. Although, we may believe in some theological manner that we are created in God's image-- a mirror of the divine and made in a uniqueness that is all our own-- the beloved concept rarely penetrates our souls in any real or believable way. In fact, it's more common for the opposite to occur and that is when we fight off the truth by internalizing falsehoods that are outside of us and do not speak to our beauty and this grace despite our depravity. Beauty and God's grace should be the foundation in which we build our lives.
Even in the church we speak from our pulpits about grace and this idea of unconditional love but we struggle to live it out in any practical way. We still create categories that relegate people to boxes that reflect the external. Then in some viciousness we individually and corporately receive those categories as truth rather then the former. This cycle sabotages the fundamental truth of our existence. Why is it easier for us to get caught up in this broke-down system of what we believe is our worth? We are the victims and victimizers in this structure because this system is fueled by unbelief of this gracious truth for our personal stories. Although we may communicate that everyone are recipients of grace and chosen as the beloved if we don't believe it fundamentally in ourselves we can't really believe it for anyone else, hence the need for boxes and categorizations. We need something that puts some rationality around this insane message of grace.
Nouwen says, "In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to reclaim the truth that we are God's chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us. As long as we allow our parents, siblings, teachers, friends and lovers to determine whether we are chosen or not, we are caught in the net of a suffocating world that accepts or rejects us according to its own agenda of effectiveness or control... The great spiritual battle begins-- and never ends-- with the reclaiming of our chosenness. Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes. Long before anyone heard us cry or laugh, we are heard by our God who is all ears for us. Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we are spoken to by the voice of eternal love".
This is not a simple call, because the moment we begin to reclaim truth we will be overcome with lies. We will be confronted with worry and doubt-- wondering what our motivations must mean. Is it possible that we could be chosen? No, because we are meant to reject that message for fear we might come across as narcissistic or other's might perceive us as arrogant. Nouwen reminds us that there is no competition in being chosen. We are all chosen in our uniqueness and individuality. There is no one else that can claim my chosenness and I can't claim anyone elses. Then the astounding beauty of this acceptance and reclamation creates a new system where I am built in the foundation of belovedness which will only propel me forward to love and extend a grace that is profound and authentic-- one that is an extension of our redemptive stories. Now, there is nothing narcissistic about that.
The last few months I've been reading (slowly) through Henry Nouwen's book: Life of the Beloved. I have purposely taking the time to let the book marinate me with words we rarely hear or acknowledge in our lives. It seems there are always more pressing things going on in the world that take the forefront of our attentions then that of hearing and accepting our 'belovedness'. Yet, I recognize that we are hungry to hear it-- to know it-- to somehow see it in our very own lives. Although, we may believe in some theological manner that we are created in God's image-- a mirror of the divine and made in a uniqueness that is all our own-- the beloved concept rarely penetrates our souls in any real or believable way. In fact, it's more common for the opposite to occur and that is when we fight off the truth by internalizing falsehoods that are outside of us and do not speak to our beauty and this grace despite our depravity. Beauty and God's grace should be the foundation in which we build our lives.
Even in the church we speak from our pulpits about grace and this idea of unconditional love but we struggle to live it out in any practical way. We still create categories that relegate people to boxes that reflect the external. Then in some viciousness we individually and corporately receive those categories as truth rather then the former. This cycle sabotages the fundamental truth of our existence. Why is it easier for us to get caught up in this broke-down system of what we believe is our worth? We are the victims and victimizers in this structure because this system is fueled by unbelief of this gracious truth for our personal stories. Although we may communicate that everyone are recipients of grace and chosen as the beloved if we don't believe it fundamentally in ourselves we can't really believe it for anyone else, hence the need for boxes and categorizations. We need something that puts some rationality around this insane message of grace.
Nouwen says, "In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to reclaim the truth that we are God's chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us. As long as we allow our parents, siblings, teachers, friends and lovers to determine whether we are chosen or not, we are caught in the net of a suffocating world that accepts or rejects us according to its own agenda of effectiveness or control... The great spiritual battle begins-- and never ends-- with the reclaiming of our chosenness. Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes. Long before anyone heard us cry or laugh, we are heard by our God who is all ears for us. Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we are spoken to by the voice of eternal love".
This is not a simple call, because the moment we begin to reclaim truth we will be overcome with lies. We will be confronted with worry and doubt-- wondering what our motivations must mean. Is it possible that we could be chosen? No, because we are meant to reject that message for fear we might come across as narcissistic or other's might perceive us as arrogant. Nouwen reminds us that there is no competition in being chosen. We are all chosen in our uniqueness and individuality. There is no one else that can claim my chosenness and I can't claim anyone elses. Then the astounding beauty of this acceptance and reclamation creates a new system where I am built in the foundation of belovedness which will only propel me forward to love and extend a grace that is profound and authentic-- one that is an extension of our redemptive stories. Now, there is nothing narcissistic about that.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I admit it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’d be surprised if anyone even reads it anymore since no one expects any new entries after months of no words. I have to confess that I feel quite conflicted about blogs and the whole blogging sphere. It actually frustrates me a lot when I think about it and I go back and forth on my position of blogs. I definitely think blogs have their place. They are a great tool to keep people who live far away from you in the loop. However, my confliction takes place when I realize I know more about those who I’m currently in close community with because of their blogs rather then intimacy and relationship being built authentically through our daily interactions. In this way blogs provide a sense of intimacy and community that is false and that cannot be maintained via the Internet hence, my frustration. So here I am… conflicted and confused and blogging. I haven’t completely given up on it and I have so many thoughts and things on my mind that I feel like its due time I share those with whoever might be interested—perhaps no one, but I’ll take my chances. I ask your forgiveness in advance as I try to articulate this jumble of thoughts that are in my head.
We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.
We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.
Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.
That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.
My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!
Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.
These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.
We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.
In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.
We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.
We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.
Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.
That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.
My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!
Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.
These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.
We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.
In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.
Monday, February 11, 2008
"i'm caucasing!"
the title of this entry was a direct quote from my three (almost four) year old daughter who attended saturday's caucus with her father and i. so yes on saturday frank, isabelle and i headed over to the caucus on market street in ballard. it was the first caucus that we ever attended and it was definitely a learning experience.
we got to our precinct and learned that we had three times the participants in our precinct then four years prior. there was a ton of energy and people were pretty emotionally fired up and ready to argue their positions.
for those of you who haven't attended a caucus before the process looks something like this:
1) find your precinct
2) sign in and vote
3) after you've voted your free to go, but if you stay for the debates you have an opportunity to change your vote
4) break up into small group and debate your positions
5) get back into larger group and listen to presentations of all sides
6) opportunity to change your votes
7) a breakdown of the votes
8) break up into the category of the person you voted for
9) select delegates
10) go home
our small group experience was very intense. people were very passionate on all sides of the issues. and although, i didn't agree with all points it was an honor to hear people's voices and to see people feeling something for their country and wanted to see change come to our nation. at the end of it my husband was nominated to be an alternate delegate. represent!
the point in time that we are in is an exciting one... what a wonderful opportunity i will have to tell my kids and grandkids about how i was a part of this history where a man and woman were both running for president! we have a lot further to go, but i am so encouraged by the progress already being made and to have my small part in the process!
the title of this entry was a direct quote from my three (almost four) year old daughter who attended saturday's caucus with her father and i. so yes on saturday frank, isabelle and i headed over to the caucus on market street in ballard. it was the first caucus that we ever attended and it was definitely a learning experience.
we got to our precinct and learned that we had three times the participants in our precinct then four years prior. there was a ton of energy and people were pretty emotionally fired up and ready to argue their positions.
for those of you who haven't attended a caucus before the process looks something like this:
1) find your precinct
2) sign in and vote
3) after you've voted your free to go, but if you stay for the debates you have an opportunity to change your vote
4) break up into small group and debate your positions
5) get back into larger group and listen to presentations of all sides
6) opportunity to change your votes
7) a breakdown of the votes
8) break up into the category of the person you voted for
9) select delegates
10) go home
our small group experience was very intense. people were very passionate on all sides of the issues. and although, i didn't agree with all points it was an honor to hear people's voices and to see people feeling something for their country and wanted to see change come to our nation. at the end of it my husband was nominated to be an alternate delegate. represent!
the point in time that we are in is an exciting one... what a wonderful opportunity i will have to tell my kids and grandkids about how i was a part of this history where a man and woman were both running for president! we have a lot further to go, but i am so encouraged by the progress already being made and to have my small part in the process!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
the bus ride over...
so on friday i was supposed to go on a staff retreat early in the morning in yelm, but my childcare fell through so it delayed my plans a bit. as a result, we had some time in our day to head over to the big rally at the key arena for barak obama. so isabelle and i got ready and decided to take the bus downtown.
the bus ride was worth it all.
we waited patiently at the bus stop even though it was windy and cold to the bone and the bus was 20 minutes late.
when the bus finally got to us it was pretty full. we were able to snag one last seat and sit down. and pretty soon we met a bunch of different people who were all heading to the same place and there was a distinct feeling of excitement in the air. there was so much chatter and people talking about their excitement to see obama.
at the next stop about 20 more people hopped on the bus and among these folks about 15 were 7th graders. we starting talking with a couple of these middles schoolers and they shared that they too we're heading to the key arena. these kids were so excited and articulately shared their ideas on politics and their hopes for the candidates and outcomes of the election. i remember thinking to myself,"did i think about these kinds of issues when i was their age"? and the answer to that question is absolutely: no!
the amazing aspect of this event is that it was drawing different people with different backgrounds from everywhere. there is something about obama-- his passion, his vision, his ability to unite people and to inspire action that i don't think i've ever seen in my lifetime or thought possible ever. but somehow, obama is able to cross divides, break down barriers, challenge people to care and inspire people to hope again. i felt that from each person on that bus-- the potential to hope.
we finally made it to our stop and after hearing that the venue was full isabelle and i ran as fast as we could to get to the door, but unfortunately the rumor was true they were at capacity and were turning people a way.
even outside the energy was high and people were excited to just be in the same vicinity as obama. it was an inspiring turnout. as i took a quick survey i was so inspired to see such a diverse crowd: people ranged from young to old, from different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. i haven't seen anything like it in all my life.
so we didn't get in, but the bus ride was worth it all.
so on friday i was supposed to go on a staff retreat early in the morning in yelm, but my childcare fell through so it delayed my plans a bit. as a result, we had some time in our day to head over to the big rally at the key arena for barak obama. so isabelle and i got ready and decided to take the bus downtown.
the bus ride was worth it all.
we waited patiently at the bus stop even though it was windy and cold to the bone and the bus was 20 minutes late.
when the bus finally got to us it was pretty full. we were able to snag one last seat and sit down. and pretty soon we met a bunch of different people who were all heading to the same place and there was a distinct feeling of excitement in the air. there was so much chatter and people talking about their excitement to see obama.
at the next stop about 20 more people hopped on the bus and among these folks about 15 were 7th graders. we starting talking with a couple of these middles schoolers and they shared that they too we're heading to the key arena. these kids were so excited and articulately shared their ideas on politics and their hopes for the candidates and outcomes of the election. i remember thinking to myself,"did i think about these kinds of issues when i was their age"? and the answer to that question is absolutely: no!
the amazing aspect of this event is that it was drawing different people with different backgrounds from everywhere. there is something about obama-- his passion, his vision, his ability to unite people and to inspire action that i don't think i've ever seen in my lifetime or thought possible ever. but somehow, obama is able to cross divides, break down barriers, challenge people to care and inspire people to hope again. i felt that from each person on that bus-- the potential to hope.
we finally made it to our stop and after hearing that the venue was full isabelle and i ran as fast as we could to get to the door, but unfortunately the rumor was true they were at capacity and were turning people a way.
even outside the energy was high and people were excited to just be in the same vicinity as obama. it was an inspiring turnout. as i took a quick survey i was so inspired to see such a diverse crowd: people ranged from young to old, from different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. i haven't seen anything like it in all my life.
so we didn't get in, but the bus ride was worth it all.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
is it possible??
when i was young girl whenever i thought about what i wanted to do with my life when i got older it always consisted of one of two things: being a singer or becoming a counselor. i'm going to just concentrate on the latter and post another site about the desire to sing another time... but i knew at a pretty young age that i wanted to help people and the natural fit for me was to be a therapist. so when i got older and when i was in college i began to really pursue this passion of mine.
upon graduating from central i went on to study for my master's in counseling psychology at marshill graduate school. it was a great experience for me and i was affirmed in this setting that i was on the right vocational track through the voices of my instructors, fellow classmates, how i simply excelled in the program, how my love for people grew and my desire to help deepened. my vocational future seemed pretty clear cut and i was working towards making that dream a reality which included this whole idea about private practice and therapy. the model of therapy was pitched to us in a particular manner and although not every student went onto become a professional therapists-- if you were on that track it inevitably meant private practice and doing therapy in a particular setting and way which also meant a particular population that the therapist would be sitting across from.
upon graduating from marshill i had to figure out how to take all this newly acquired knowledge and my dreams and put things into motion. it was really tough at first. i finished my last class in august just a few weeks before september 11th occurred. when i had finally completed everything there was no work available, i didn't have the means to start a business as a private practitioner and i needed to eat. i ended up having to take a job just to pay bills as a sales associate at urban outfitters which proved to be probably the most depressing time of my life and i remember seeing fellow graduates come into the store while i ducked behind and in between clothing racks to avoid being seen out of sheer embarrassment. but then there was a break-- i applied for a position as a case manager to go on working with homeless and parenting young women (ages ranged from 17 to 23). i got the job! i was excited i finally was going to put all this theory into practice. this job was like vocational boot camp for me. as you may know already, the world of case management is very different from the therapy i was trained to administer and the whole experience-- setting, population, everything didn't fit the model i'd been accustomed to, but none-the-less i had the chance to 'be' in these young women and their children's lives. my case management experience included helping the young mothers set goals, get to appointments for housing, health care & other important meetings, as well as a whole lot of babysitting. it wasn't what i envisioned vocationally but there was a need and i was trying to stay faithful even in the fire with my clients. and god knows, these girls made me run an obstacle course. these girls were not interested in any theoretical BS. if you didn't live hope then you were a fraud. i was only there for a year but it was the beginning of a new kind of path, the beginning of different dreams and the start of my very long courtship with the homeless.
i went from friends of youth to working with homeless adults at the church council of greater seattle and then to quest community development where we began developing an outreach program for homeless people in need of basic resources and someone to point them to resources like housing, shelter and so on... basically my point is that the experience i had at friends of youth started me on a path of advocacy for the homeless. it started me asking questions: like how can we devleop more opportunities? what does the barrier look like for someone who is trying to leave homelessness permanently? what are the root reasons for homelessness from a societal perspective to personal story and individual choice? and on some level i feel plagued because i realize that the mental and emotional health care that so many are able to receive in the US is unaccessible to a great many who need it desperately. how can we as practitioners make our services accessible among the low-income and homeless men, women and children in our communities? i know there are many great organizations that provide case management and there are public mental health centers but that still leaves people out who are in need of specialized services and support.
as a practitioner myself i don't feel it would be in good conscience for me to just set up a practice only targeting middle class americans and abandon the needs of so many that need this service in order to leave the cycle and roots of homelessness or poverty that they are living in. it is an essential part of the process of providing holistic care for people. we can help men, women and children in transitioning out of transitional housing or shelter to get into programs for permanent housing and stable jobs but how will they keep those things if they are still living with pasts that bear memories of abuse or addiction or mental health problems. i worked with a woman for years who lived in our transitional housing program through Self-Managed Housing and she kept finding herself back in the same cycle of homelessness to a short bout of housing to back to being homeless. at one point when i was working with her she was experiencing such great depression and anxiety that she locked herself in her room for days without ever coming out. other women in the house were concerned and drew my attention to it. i started meeting with her weekly and the thing i found as the primary barrier to her being able to maintain a job or a home was this great level of depression, anxiety and paranoia. the roots of this depression, anxiety and paranoia was the memory of sexual abuse that she had experienced in her family which led her to run a way and live on the streets a way from the abuse of her home. she was in desperate need of therapy, yet she couldn't afford it. she was weary of public mental health because she'd been dragged through a system that she was only allowed to be a part of as long as she could prove her instability through psych evaluations. it because a vicious cycle which only led her back to homelessness, despair and desperation.
it is stories like these that haunt me and compel me to ask the counseling community what more can be done? sliding scales are a start but what more can be done in order to help people in need who are great candidates for therapy and who do not have the means to pay?
having just started a private practice myself i am very aware of the traditional model. however, i am working on a dream and vision to hopefully bridge a gap in the way that we practice and to broaden the gap to incorporate a broader population in our work. i am hoping to start a network where counselors can be working together to provide services as an act of justice and compassion in our communities. through this network we could be creating a model that i like to call: community exchange. in a nutshell, services would be provided in exchange for an agreed upon fee arrangement or pro-bono for community service. in other words, clients in positions where they do not have the financial means to pay a therapist the regular fee would commit to donating their time and resources to an organization of their choice, volunteering their time back into the community. i think this is a wonderful therapeutic model-- not only is the therapist giving service to the client sitting across from them but the client is giving back to the community, re-engaging with the community and finding new vigor in their passions-- this is therapy. our jobs as counselors are to be to help people re-engage with themselves and with others in healthier, life-giving ways.
when i was young girl whenever i thought about what i wanted to do with my life when i got older it always consisted of one of two things: being a singer or becoming a counselor. i'm going to just concentrate on the latter and post another site about the desire to sing another time... but i knew at a pretty young age that i wanted to help people and the natural fit for me was to be a therapist. so when i got older and when i was in college i began to really pursue this passion of mine.
upon graduating from central i went on to study for my master's in counseling psychology at marshill graduate school. it was a great experience for me and i was affirmed in this setting that i was on the right vocational track through the voices of my instructors, fellow classmates, how i simply excelled in the program, how my love for people grew and my desire to help deepened. my vocational future seemed pretty clear cut and i was working towards making that dream a reality which included this whole idea about private practice and therapy. the model of therapy was pitched to us in a particular manner and although not every student went onto become a professional therapists-- if you were on that track it inevitably meant private practice and doing therapy in a particular setting and way which also meant a particular population that the therapist would be sitting across from.
upon graduating from marshill i had to figure out how to take all this newly acquired knowledge and my dreams and put things into motion. it was really tough at first. i finished my last class in august just a few weeks before september 11th occurred. when i had finally completed everything there was no work available, i didn't have the means to start a business as a private practitioner and i needed to eat. i ended up having to take a job just to pay bills as a sales associate at urban outfitters which proved to be probably the most depressing time of my life and i remember seeing fellow graduates come into the store while i ducked behind and in between clothing racks to avoid being seen out of sheer embarrassment. but then there was a break-- i applied for a position as a case manager to go on working with homeless and parenting young women (ages ranged from 17 to 23). i got the job! i was excited i finally was going to put all this theory into practice. this job was like vocational boot camp for me. as you may know already, the world of case management is very different from the therapy i was trained to administer and the whole experience-- setting, population, everything didn't fit the model i'd been accustomed to, but none-the-less i had the chance to 'be' in these young women and their children's lives. my case management experience included helping the young mothers set goals, get to appointments for housing, health care & other important meetings, as well as a whole lot of babysitting. it wasn't what i envisioned vocationally but there was a need and i was trying to stay faithful even in the fire with my clients. and god knows, these girls made me run an obstacle course. these girls were not interested in any theoretical BS. if you didn't live hope then you were a fraud. i was only there for a year but it was the beginning of a new kind of path, the beginning of different dreams and the start of my very long courtship with the homeless.
i went from friends of youth to working with homeless adults at the church council of greater seattle and then to quest community development where we began developing an outreach program for homeless people in need of basic resources and someone to point them to resources like housing, shelter and so on... basically my point is that the experience i had at friends of youth started me on a path of advocacy for the homeless. it started me asking questions: like how can we devleop more opportunities? what does the barrier look like for someone who is trying to leave homelessness permanently? what are the root reasons for homelessness from a societal perspective to personal story and individual choice? and on some level i feel plagued because i realize that the mental and emotional health care that so many are able to receive in the US is unaccessible to a great many who need it desperately. how can we as practitioners make our services accessible among the low-income and homeless men, women and children in our communities? i know there are many great organizations that provide case management and there are public mental health centers but that still leaves people out who are in need of specialized services and support.
as a practitioner myself i don't feel it would be in good conscience for me to just set up a practice only targeting middle class americans and abandon the needs of so many that need this service in order to leave the cycle and roots of homelessness or poverty that they are living in. it is an essential part of the process of providing holistic care for people. we can help men, women and children in transitioning out of transitional housing or shelter to get into programs for permanent housing and stable jobs but how will they keep those things if they are still living with pasts that bear memories of abuse or addiction or mental health problems. i worked with a woman for years who lived in our transitional housing program through Self-Managed Housing and she kept finding herself back in the same cycle of homelessness to a short bout of housing to back to being homeless. at one point when i was working with her she was experiencing such great depression and anxiety that she locked herself in her room for days without ever coming out. other women in the house were concerned and drew my attention to it. i started meeting with her weekly and the thing i found as the primary barrier to her being able to maintain a job or a home was this great level of depression, anxiety and paranoia. the roots of this depression, anxiety and paranoia was the memory of sexual abuse that she had experienced in her family which led her to run a way and live on the streets a way from the abuse of her home. she was in desperate need of therapy, yet she couldn't afford it. she was weary of public mental health because she'd been dragged through a system that she was only allowed to be a part of as long as she could prove her instability through psych evaluations. it because a vicious cycle which only led her back to homelessness, despair and desperation.
it is stories like these that haunt me and compel me to ask the counseling community what more can be done? sliding scales are a start but what more can be done in order to help people in need who are great candidates for therapy and who do not have the means to pay?
having just started a private practice myself i am very aware of the traditional model. however, i am working on a dream and vision to hopefully bridge a gap in the way that we practice and to broaden the gap to incorporate a broader population in our work. i am hoping to start a network where counselors can be working together to provide services as an act of justice and compassion in our communities. through this network we could be creating a model that i like to call: community exchange. in a nutshell, services would be provided in exchange for an agreed upon fee arrangement or pro-bono for community service. in other words, clients in positions where they do not have the financial means to pay a therapist the regular fee would commit to donating their time and resources to an organization of their choice, volunteering their time back into the community. i think this is a wonderful therapeutic model-- not only is the therapist giving service to the client sitting across from them but the client is giving back to the community, re-engaging with the community and finding new vigor in their passions-- this is therapy. our jobs as counselors are to be to help people re-engage with themselves and with others in healthier, life-giving ways.
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