This week has been one of wrestling.

Saturday was Craig's burial and Celebration of Life service. I can't begin to describe how amazed and blessed I felt to hear stories of Craig-- his tenacity for his family & friends, his commitment to investing in people and the love of God that was shown to others through Craig's life. I'll be honest I didn't know Craig very well, but I am honored to say that I did witness these attributes over the last year and a half as he battled cancer.

At his service, they shared a video which documented his life and his love over the course of his 36 years. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room during the video presentation. The video was well done, but besides that I truly felt the love that Craig had for Betty and his kids. I could literally feel it. AND I could feel the love that Betty and the kids have for Craig. And this is where I feel broke, speechless and unable to come to terms with the end result to Craig's story.

I came home Saturday after the service. I hugged my kids. I played with my Izzy. I had a deeper appreciation for what I have, but I couldn't get over the nagging question of, "why"? Why after all these months of ferverently praying, of crying out, of interceding as a community for physical healing for Craig-- why had the answer come to this? Why was the answer, "no"? I wrestled back and forth with this question of why. This answer which was so senseless, so unfair. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. I found myself getting up in the night weeping and flooded with emotions of all kinds.

On Sunday as I woke up and began preparing my heart for church. I pondered again the question I had been wrestling with and I came to a conclusion and the conclusion was this-- I did not like the answer God gave. Yet, although I could be honest and transparent before God regarding my dislike, my disdain, my frustration, my anger-- I realized that although I didn't like it-- I could trust God. I was honest enough with myself that I did not understand the big picture and that for some reason God had a reason for the answer He gave.

I'll be honest, I still do not like the answer. I am still in grief. But I will trust God. I will believe that for some reason (which I cannot fool myself to know anything about) this is part of some plan, some purpose. For now, it does not take a way the sting of his death, nor the frustration of this confusion. It hurts like hell. Yet, in this grief I feel an odd sustainment of God's presence, peace and the invitation to step through a doorway to trust. I pray I can be faithful to this call.