At the new year I made a commitment to blog once a week... This is the first entry since I made that goal. I have already failed in my attempt to engage blogging more. I will admit that I've had plenty of blog entry ideas cross my mind, but I always struggle with what I should really put out there in cyberspace. I'm always asking myself, "Is that too personal"? or "Is that too negative"? or "Is that too much"? and on and on and on... I honestly do not know how people keep up their blogs so frequently without having some level of internal tension constantly going on... What is really appropriate to put out there anyway? Maybe I'm over thinking it.

So this is my attempt at my first 2009 blog entry. At the beginning of this year we went on a staff day retreat to embark on some planning and visioning for this year. We were asked some very specific questions regarding our goals for ministry, our goals for our personal lives and how we plan to track those and stay accountable to what we say we will do (Quest's fancy term for this is: metrics). It was a great exercise for me because it really let me take some time to assess where I am at and where I want to be, as well as allowed me a space to be hopeful and excited about the things to come. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did but I find myself still going over what I have planned and re-visiting those goals frequently to be sure that I'm staying on course-- not to be a legalist but to be consistent with my words and my ambition. In the entries to come I'll be sharing more of my goals for this year but one of those goals was to be a more focused person with my time. I realized that my time is so valuable. In the past, I have been known to squalor a way time by not being focused and engaged with whatever I am doing at any given time. I felt very convicted over this-- recognizing that it was a stewardship issue. My time has always been an important opportunity to steward, but even more so now that I have children. Because I'm a working mom I realized my time has to count to make it worth it to be a way from them. Whatever I am doing I have to put my whole self into it because of the legacy and future I hope to carve for them... And it is such a great sacrifice to miss the little milestones I miss with them when I am away at work that I want to make it worth it to be a way.

As I said there will be more to share in this arena, but I want to say that all in all I feel very hopeful about what is in the future... I am so looking forward to what is in store and how I will be called to take part.

The end of 2008 was trying to say the least. Holidays, particularly Christmas and the New Year can be difficult for people. I always prepare myself for that season in terms of ministry and my therapy practice because it is generally a time when people are struggling with broken relationships, loneliness and heart ache of all kinds. I think it is heightened at the holiday season because everything you see (by the media and culture) is this idea of false intimacy. People are supposed to give their care for others through expensive gifts and material goods and in addition, the holidays are a time when families and relationships are supposed to come together and be harmonious. This year was tough on a number of different fronts: 1) the economy didn't make it easy for people to buy a ton of stuff which tends to make people feel inadequate, especially with such a cultural emphasis on this element of the holidays and 2) relationships are still difficult-- the holiday magic that some might say exists is really just a myth. It's hard. I'll say I wasn't immune to these struggles in my personal life. Particularly, in the area of personal and familial relationships. It was a hard season. There was much to grieve through and to wrestle with and to try to understand. However, I felt a very strong sense of God's presence and His hope during this time. I can't say that this has always been the case because I generally feel like it is easy for me to fall into a rut, but this time I felt a comfort almost indescribable.

I can honestly say that it was a strange juxtaposition to find myself in... hopeless and with hope simultaneously. How is it that these two very strong realities can co-exist at the very same time? I realized that this could only be the case because of God's presence in my life. His gentle prodding for me to look beyond personal circumstance and to realize that my life, as precarious as it is, is in his hands.

I look forward to my weekly blog entries and will trust that you will patiently journey along with me as I try to figure out what this whole cyberspace thing is supposed to look like.

A time to mourn.

This morning my aunt, Chita Braceros passed a way from complications of cancer. The last time I saw my aunt was last September at my brother's wedding. She looked frail and tired. A few weeks later she was diagnosed with bone cancer. It came as a surprise to my family to hear she was sick. It has been a complete surprise to witness how quickly things have progressed since she was first diagnosed.

I remember thinking how unfair it was for her to get sick. She was the backbone, the pillar of her family. I remember her working 2-3 jobs to make sure my cousins, her three children were provided for. I remember the importance she put on their education. She was such a hard worker and amazingly determined in all she did.

I didn't get to spend much time with Aunt Chita since she lived in Hawaii but every time I had the fortune of going to Hawaii I stayed with Aunt Chita and her family. I have very fond memories of her and her hospitality. These are a few things I remember:

* I remember her voice. I remember the tone of her voice when she would call out to me and my cousins. I remember the pitch, the volume the intonation in my aunts voice as she'd call out to my cousin, Natey.
* I remember the smells in her house after she would cook us Portuguese sausage, rice and eggs for breakfast.
* I remember she always had mangos and sweet bread available for us every time we visited.
* I remember her taking me around the island and her pointing out certain important landmarks to me.
* I remember her opening her home to my grandma and her taking care of her, as if she was her own mother.
* I remember her driving my cousin, Charity to ukulele lessons.
* I remember her faith in God. When things seemed uncertain or difficult she'd always share that our trust should be in God and that we must lean in Him for all strength and understanding.

She will be missed.

Today I take a moment to remember her, her life and what she meant to her family.

This is my prayer for my aunt today:

Psalm 116:5-9

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

How precious this life is! I am intimately connected to that knowledge-- even now as I watch my baby Fiona sleeping. To be so close to the beginning and simultaneously to the end is humbling and amazing. Rest, dear Auntie.

** Friends and family-- please feel free to use this space to share memories or thoughts you have about Auntie Chita. This is a memorial dedicated to her.

then three became four...

on october 14th at 11:18 am in the morning we welcomed our new daughter into the world. fiona duran was a healthy 7.03 pounds and 18 and half inches long. big sister isabelle was excited to finally meet her new sister and is finding ways that she can comfort and cuddle her as she adjusts to this new world. frank couldn't be more proud. we had our family waiting for us in the family room and as soon as fiona was born frank took a picture and raced out to show them. he loves his girls. we are still adjusting to all the changes and anticipate that it will be awhile til everything is back to 'normal'. thank you for your love and prayers!

The Saga continues...

So... after very little sleep and going through the gamut of emotions from nervousness to excitement Frank and I trekked out to the hospital where we were scheduled to be induced this morning. We walked in the door tired but excited when the nurse looked up and said, 'Oh no. (as she looked at other nurses) This was our inducement for today. Oh no.' We just kinda looked at each other and waited for a minute when the nurse finally walked over and said that they had been so busy that for the last 8 hours their delivery room was closed to any new patients. That said, she took us to a room gave us another non-stress test to monitor the baby's heart and then after waiting for almost 2 hours we were sent home. The deal now is that if they can discharge at least 2 families by this afternoon we could go back and get induced today... If not, we will pretend it is ground hog's day (like the Billy Murray movie) and go back tomorrow and do the whole thing over again but this time with a guarantee of getting induced.

Oh I can't begin to describe how disheartened and disappointed we felt. I mean we know it'll eventually happen but it still is a great let down to us. Frank looked so disappointed and we joked how we would just start unpacking our things, get comfortable, put in a movie, I'd change into my pj's and then what could they do?? Oh well, this gives us another chance to try to get some more sleep and then we can try it again. I am sooooo looking forward to meeting this elusive girl inside me.

Baby girl will definitely be here tomorrow!

So after seeing my doctor on Friday and going into my 42nd week of pregnancy the plan was set that if I didn't go into labor this weekend that at 8 am on Monday morning I am supposed to show up at the hospital and get induced. Saturday I went in for a stress test and everything looks perfect with the baby-- her heart sounds great and she is not in distress so that is good. This weekend was an unfruitful weekend, as I didn't go into labor but I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I can't wait to meet my new daughter.

I am honestly a little scared and unsure about what to expect with the inducement, but I am hopeful and glad that I will have Frank there with me to go through the process. This week was difficult in many ways-- not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically. I have felt really worn out with all the uncertainties. Today I shared with a friend some of these struggles. I was so blessed to have some reassurance that what I am going through is normal and that when it comes time to have the baby I will know what to do and will have the support to do it. So I am trying to lean into a space of faith and trust.

A lesson in patience.

So I'm well behind on my scheduled due date to have this baby. It's been a frustrating, unproductive couple of days in the area of labor. I've found myself on several different occasions so upset that more isn't happening by way of contractions and the labor process that the emotions have actually kept me up at night. Every night I've gone to bed praying and hoping that I'll awake to horrible labor pains and contractions that would result in the birth of our new little girl. I've felt so miserable and anxious that I haven't had much time to enjoy or rest where I am at. One night as I was tossing and turning and getting more upset-- I heard a small, still voice of conviction. I realized that there was nothing I could really do to control the situation. Unfortunately, we can't force ourselves into labor-- which I realize is a gift for our own health, safety and protection. I can't force more to happen. Perhaps my body isn't ready or the baby isn't ready to enter this world. The ultimate blow of this convicting spirit was that it made me wake up to my very, stubborn will to control-- not only my labor, but everything that happens in my life. And the thing is I'm pretty good at controlling most areas of my life-- or at least I tend to think I am. So in the middle of this cold, stormy, frustrating night I realized I have a choice I can try to control the uncontrollable, the unpredictable of my life and my pregnancy or I could release, relax, let-go and trust. Oh, what a tempting offer the latter holds for me, but I realized that God can't work in my heart, in my life if I'm holding on. So although, not perfectly I am letting go-- little by little I'm letting go. The fine line of letting go at this point is making sure it's not in some desperate, manipulative attempt to make the opposite happen in my situation, but to let-go knowing, believing, engaging in hope that it'll be ok. I'll be ok. The baby will come when she's supposed to and I will be restored to sanity, as God has always provided in my life.

That said, I can't say it's been a completely unproductive couple o' days. At night or during the day when I can't rest I've been pulling out the paints, the canvas, the paper, the pen and I've been getting some creative energy out. Here are a couple of paintings I've done in the past few days and a poem. I hope to get my guitar out and write some music, too. So... it looks like some new things are being birthed in my heart even as I write this. Praise be to God.

A response to Psalm 7

like a lion they tear my soul apart.


it is dark
damp—the musk fills the window panes
wet with tears and
saliva

this pit—this gravel
I have been raked and left for dead.

It is dark
when looking into fury.
Breathe?
Breathe the suffocation.
Yet, called to be still—although forced there always
is strange choice.

My soul has been tricked
by its own conscience
to believe in false pardons
that have arisen out of rebellion and desire for
pride.

-- let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it

and let you give birth to
the scarred and the sorry

the broken whip

funny?

not sorry.

the scarred and the sorry

arise, arise and bless.

arise, arise in jest.

arise, arise be humbled.
like a lion—tamed.

Nickelsville and the barriers of homelessness...

So I've been following the Nickelsville situation for a few weeks now, as they've been getting more attention and press here in Seattle. It seems that the Nickelsville community which has just been relocated to Discovery Park from South Seattle will be having to move again... to get more info on the situation you can read here.

As an advocate for the homeless, I find myself very frustrated not only with circumstances of Nickelsville, but about the responses I have been reading from the larger community. In generally, things I've read from people's comments regarding the situation have been apathetic, unsupportive and down right negative towards the homeless community. It really doesn't surprise me I hear many of these comments from folks when they learn I work with the homeless. Yet, it still frustrates me to hear how little compassion people have towards the homeless and the barriers that so many of them face in leaving homelessness permanently.

Homelessness is a complicated, multifaceted problem. More often then not, I hear people wanting to pin the sole responsibility on the homeless individual. Having advocated for the homeless for eight years I would agree that each individual has to look at themselves, take an inventory and ownership over their own lives and the decisions they make, as well as take responsibility for choices that have sometimes put them in very compromising positions. However, I do not believe that is where we should stop when grappling with the issues of homelessness. I believe that organizations, churches and government funding should help provide more opportunities to journeying along side the homeless-- even when the results don't turn out as we expect them to. And I believe that as individuals of this society we have the responsibility to hold up our brothers and sisters in need.

You see the thing is-- when we are talking about the homeless we are not just talking about one situation or scenario. When we talk about the homeless we are talking about a multitude of stories, histories and issues that one must face if they have the misfortune of becoming homeless. We cannot generalize people and say, 'Well if the homeless would just get a job that would solve the problem or if the homeless would stop drinking then they would no longer be in the situation that they are in'. we shouldn't do this with any people group and we cannot do this with the homeless population. In my work with men and women who suffer from chronic mental illness or alcohol abuse what I've found is that there is a history of abuse and abandonment and it is a tough situation to just tell someone to get over it and just get on with it. The coalition for the homeless in Seattle sites that, "Fifty to sixty percent of the women and children who are homeless are victims of domestic abuse. There are also homeless men, including fathers with children, who are fleeing abuse". In understanding this element of homelessness we should feel the call to rally and unite around the need to help build and sustain and dream about the possibility of something outside of homelessness for each person. Just because it is complicated and difficult does not mean that it is time to disengage or grow apathetic to the need.

In the King 5 news coverage on the homeless, people commented to the article with statements that there were enough beds and that the homeless community's reluctance to go to shelter because of violence or exploitation was silly and unfounded. Well in January 2008, operation night watch conducted their annual homeless one night count and found that there were 8,439 homeless people in King County-- a 15% increase from last year of that, 5,808 beds were utilized, as well as 140 mats which were made available due to severe weather. 139 beds were made added in transitional housing programs for families with children. However, 173 units of transitional housing was removed from the 2008 inventory. In addition, there was essentially no change in the number of year-round emergency shelter beds available in 2008. So although the homeless count has increased by 15% the beds available to accommodate this increase is not there.

Several people wonder, 'Why don't the homeless just get a job'? As stated earlier, I do believe that the homeless have to be proactive in their quest to get back on their feet but sometimes it not as simple as just asking the above question. In fact statistics show that 44% of the homeless worked in the past month but did not make enough to afford housing-- the fact is there is not enough affordable housing available for low-income individuals and families which puts this population at grave risk. In Seattle, a minimum wage worker has to work more than 3 full-time jobs, or work 126 hours to afford fair market rent for a two bedroom apartment. In our economic climate we can not expect that this problem will be remedied any time soon. The National Coalition for the Homeless states, "Two trends are largely responsible for the rise in homelessness over the last 20-25 years: a growing shortage of affordable rental housing and a simultaneous increase in poverty".

The reality is that the visible homeless community is just a small window into the complexity and full spectrum of this population. What I mean by the visible homeless is those that you regularly see or would recognize as homeless just by observing them from an outside perspective. The fact of the matter is that most of the homeless community remain invisible to us. That man or woman we see on the street corner or the panhandler only make up about 8% of the total homeless population. Under the HUD (Housing and Urban Development) definition of homelessness a person is considered homeless if they are in one of the following situations:

-Places not meant for human habitation
-Emergency shelter
-Transitional housing
-In any of the above places but is spending a short time in a hospital or other institution
-Being evicted from a private dwelling
-Being discharged within a week from a institution.
-Is fleeing a domestic violence housing situation.

We generally attribute homelessness with a particular image. Here is a picture of who is homeless:

-Children under the age of 18 accounted for 39% of the homeless population, 42% of those children were under the age of five (National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty 2004).
-Men comprise of 51% of the homeless population and single women comprise of 17% (U.S. Conference of Mayors, 2005).
-The number of homeless families with children has increased significantly over the past decade. Families with children are among the fastest growing segments of the homeless population. The U.S. Conference of Mayors found that families with children comprised of 33% of the homeless population.
-Battered women who live in poverty are faced to choose between abusive relationships and homelessness. 50% of all women and children experiencing homelessness are fleeing domestic violence (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2001).
-Research indicates that 50% of homeless men have served in the armed forces.
-Approximately 16% of the single adult homeless population suffers from some form of severe and persistent mental illness (U.S. Conference of Mayors, 2005).
-The U.S. Conference of Mayors number in 2005 was 30%, for current addiction disorders among all single adults who are homeless.

The implication of these statistics make it clear that we cannot use one generalized description in identifying the homeless. However, the homeless do have some certain shared basic needs including: affordable housing, adequate incomes and health care. Based on this descriptors we see that the homeless share in the need of dignified care and resources just as we all do. This should align our stories with the homeless not create barriers that relegate us to a dichotomy of us vs. them.

Unfortunately, there are no easy solutions to the problem of homelessness. Some have commented to the King 5 article with cynicism, blaming organizations like Tent City and Share Wheel for perpetuating the cycle of homelessness. I don't believe there is any one model or solution to the problem. I do support the mission of Tent City and Share Wheel because I believe in their advocacy and their consistent support of the homeless. They have been on the front lines in several situations advocating and providing support to the homeless community. I can't say I know all of the intricacies of their services, but I respect that they value the homeless and they value the voice of the homeless-- allowing men, women and children in the community to share their stories, their experiences and their frustrations with the barriers that they must face. One of those barriers happens to be us-- the larger society and culture. It is rare to find people who genuinely and with conviction find the homeless a value to our society. We dismiss them with a glance. And the ones we don't see-- well we find our alliances on other issues rather then learning and educating ourselves on why this is a problem and how we can use our gifts to be a source of hope. It is possible to leave homelessness permanently-- I've seen it time and again but that process can span over weeks, months and into years and it is easy to lose hope and faith that their is an alternative. Perhaps part of that dream for an alternative can be our faces (those of us who live in privilege)-- perhaps we could be that face of hope, that beacon of light, that voice that says, "you matter". But it has to start somewhere-- that somewhere is you and me.