At the new year I made a commitment to blog once a week... This is the first entry since I made that goal. I have already failed in my attempt to engage blogging more. I will admit that I've had plenty of blog entry ideas cross my mind, but I always struggle with what I should really put out there in cyberspace. I'm always asking myself, "Is that too personal"? or "Is that too negative"? or "Is that too much"? and on and on and on... I honestly do not know how people keep up their blogs so frequently without having some level of internal tension constantly going on... What is really appropriate to put out there anyway? Maybe I'm over thinking it.

So this is my attempt at my first 2009 blog entry. At the beginning of this year we went on a staff day retreat to embark on some planning and visioning for this year. We were asked some very specific questions regarding our goals for ministry, our goals for our personal lives and how we plan to track those and stay accountable to what we say we will do (Quest's fancy term for this is: metrics). It was a great exercise for me because it really let me take some time to assess where I am at and where I want to be, as well as allowed me a space to be hopeful and excited about the things to come. I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I did but I find myself still going over what I have planned and re-visiting those goals frequently to be sure that I'm staying on course-- not to be a legalist but to be consistent with my words and my ambition. In the entries to come I'll be sharing more of my goals for this year but one of those goals was to be a more focused person with my time. I realized that my time is so valuable. In the past, I have been known to squalor a way time by not being focused and engaged with whatever I am doing at any given time. I felt very convicted over this-- recognizing that it was a stewardship issue. My time has always been an important opportunity to steward, but even more so now that I have children. Because I'm a working mom I realized my time has to count to make it worth it to be a way from them. Whatever I am doing I have to put my whole self into it because of the legacy and future I hope to carve for them... And it is such a great sacrifice to miss the little milestones I miss with them when I am away at work that I want to make it worth it to be a way.

As I said there will be more to share in this arena, but I want to say that all in all I feel very hopeful about what is in the future... I am so looking forward to what is in store and how I will be called to take part.

The end of 2008 was trying to say the least. Holidays, particularly Christmas and the New Year can be difficult for people. I always prepare myself for that season in terms of ministry and my therapy practice because it is generally a time when people are struggling with broken relationships, loneliness and heart ache of all kinds. I think it is heightened at the holiday season because everything you see (by the media and culture) is this idea of false intimacy. People are supposed to give their care for others through expensive gifts and material goods and in addition, the holidays are a time when families and relationships are supposed to come together and be harmonious. This year was tough on a number of different fronts: 1) the economy didn't make it easy for people to buy a ton of stuff which tends to make people feel inadequate, especially with such a cultural emphasis on this element of the holidays and 2) relationships are still difficult-- the holiday magic that some might say exists is really just a myth. It's hard. I'll say I wasn't immune to these struggles in my personal life. Particularly, in the area of personal and familial relationships. It was a hard season. There was much to grieve through and to wrestle with and to try to understand. However, I felt a very strong sense of God's presence and His hope during this time. I can't say that this has always been the case because I generally feel like it is easy for me to fall into a rut, but this time I felt a comfort almost indescribable.

I can honestly say that it was a strange juxtaposition to find myself in... hopeless and with hope simultaneously. How is it that these two very strong realities can co-exist at the very same time? I realized that this could only be the case because of God's presence in my life. His gentle prodding for me to look beyond personal circumstance and to realize that my life, as precarious as it is, is in his hands.

I look forward to my weekly blog entries and will trust that you will patiently journey along with me as I try to figure out what this whole cyberspace thing is supposed to look like.