Forgive me. This is about to become a blog spew. Since my last post I’ve wrestled more in the context of conversations with close friends about the purpose of blogging. Although, no definitive conclusions were made I am encouraged to find out I’m not alone in this significant question.

Part of my journey in this quest comes from a place of humility. I mean honestly, what real authority do I have to tell people what is what? However, what I can attempt to do is live into the very real tension of honesty, transparency and openness of my life under the umbrella of wisdom and discernment AND with a sliver of hope that there is some common experience that can be shared (namely the human experience), as well as the desire to allow my story to be a source of encouragement & edification. So that is my prayer in the blogging sphere, as it is in other places of my life and it is this-- that I seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly.

This past week has been a very busy-full week. On Saturday my littlest girl turned 4 months old. I can’t believe that she is 4 months old already. I feel like I just had her in October and the time has simply just flown right by. I am still learning about her. Her little personality is being revealed more each day. What I have learned about her is this: she is very sweet. She has an incredibly sweet personality. She soothes people with her smile and disposition. I am incredibly proud of Fiona and the person that she is becoming. I look forward to many more days, months and years with her.

The last few weeks we’ve been hosting a refugee family: a father and his two daughters who are 9 & 10 years old. It has been such a blessing and honor to get to know this family. They are beautiful and the girls are so sweet and gracious. They are now in their own home in the U district. I know we (all those who have gotten to know them) all feel a burden to make sure that they are able to transition into this new life with ease. A few days prior to their moving a few other refugee families were visited and it was discovered that they went a whole 4 days with out eating because the organization that was settling them gave them $$ for food but did not teach them where and how to get the food. It seems unfathomable to think that people were left in such a condition with all the resources and tools we have to make sure that people are equipped and needs are met. This is an email I received from the host family highlighting a couple of their thoughts and experiences in hosting this family (the email was entitled: Thoughts from the Kitchen):

I don't know how you're supposed to feel when:

A. Your new friend compliments your cooking through and interpreter and says he'd like to learn to cook some of those things, and you think he's just being polite, then you find out later it's 'cause he's really happy his kids are getting to eat something besides rice, fish paste and chilies....that they get vegetables and vitamins. Humble?
B. You get a call at work that you can't answer, call your daughter back and leave her a message to call her Dad, and find out she not only discovered the lice, but walked to the store to get lice removal stuff, got a friend on the phone to translate and began helping clean up our new friends. The girls said they hadn't slept as good as they did that night in a long time 'cause their heads didn't itch. Proud?
C. You find out through friends of friends that knew this family in the camp, that Dad's been ill a long time and unable to work. That his wife left the camp to get a job and never came back....protective? Sad?
D. Challenge that came up in the Karen community....a Karen man (single dad with three kids) who lost his leg to a Burma army land mine, living in Tukwila, who would have otherwise been a possible housemate for the dad and girls staying with us. But this dad is Burmese....it was an issue..... Many need healing for wounds that are hard to translate....... Overwhelmed?

After receiving and reading this email I felt weak and heavily burdened. So much need and so much learning to still be done in order to be some source of help—help that is shrouded in integrity & dignity. And even though that feeling can be so crippling and overwhelming I felt a distinct peace that reminded me that there is HOPE and that God still does redeem.

On another note, my mind is all over the place all the time. I am, on a consistent and regular basis, inundated with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m almost to the point where I need a recorder to take down dictation because I can’t possibly expel the thoughts fast enough before another bulk of thoughts are upon me. I feel blessed that I am being challenged to grapple, to wrestle, to be faithful to the many things that God has placed in my life. But there are also moments of where I feel the curse, as I am unable to articulate or express these thoughts, ideas and feelings in a timely enough fashion. So…I’ve included some of these random thoughts that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. They are undeveloped thoughts so be kind. I hope to flesh them out more in time. But for now I leave the skeletal, fragments of such ideas for your ponderings and hope that maybe you can wrestle with me in them. Here goes…

- If you want to know what a parent believes watch his or her child. (More of this will be fleshed out as I process what it means to be a parent of a preschooler).
- The value and high standard of intimacy in relationship must be recognized and a conviction of all parties otherwise it is not a true value and can never be realized. DTR’s (and forgive me for saying that because I hate the phrase) must be done not only in ‘dating’ relationships, but in all shared relationship. We all have different needs and desires that somehow have to be actualized, on some level, to have real, authentic connection with anyone.
- Someone I know keeps emphasizing the statement and truth that, “We don’t always get our way so GROW UP.” This is true, but can we assume that all desire or longing is innately bad, selfish and/or immature? That statement kind of frames our desires as though any disappointment felt is illegitimate and at the heart of all longing (and then in turn disappointment when desire goes unmet) is immature. Where is the compassion when disappointment comes from unrealized hopes of friendship, loss of hope of being known and knowing or the lack of deeper actualization of our understanding of God? Is there no place to feel the very real loss of elements in the world that we are created for and God has designed us to experience?
- People always say that they are open to diversity. However, once confronted with elements of diversity that requires one to leave comfort people become resistant to the whole idea, which is not a true value of diversity, is it? At Quest we talk about diversity in terms of culture, race, gender and even there it seems to be ok to highlight such need for diversity but when we are confronted with issues of mental illness, sexual orientation, family structure, lifestyle, politics ( To name a few. I know these seem vague.) we are not so open to dialogue.

Ok. Forgive me for my overwhelming post. I leave you now with these thoughts.