A lesson in patience.

So I'm well behind on my scheduled due date to have this baby. It's been a frustrating, unproductive couple of days in the area of labor. I've found myself on several different occasions so upset that more isn't happening by way of contractions and the labor process that the emotions have actually kept me up at night. Every night I've gone to bed praying and hoping that I'll awake to horrible labor pains and contractions that would result in the birth of our new little girl. I've felt so miserable and anxious that I haven't had much time to enjoy or rest where I am at. One night as I was tossing and turning and getting more upset-- I heard a small, still voice of conviction. I realized that there was nothing I could really do to control the situation. Unfortunately, we can't force ourselves into labor-- which I realize is a gift for our own health, safety and protection. I can't force more to happen. Perhaps my body isn't ready or the baby isn't ready to enter this world. The ultimate blow of this convicting spirit was that it made me wake up to my very, stubborn will to control-- not only my labor, but everything that happens in my life. And the thing is I'm pretty good at controlling most areas of my life-- or at least I tend to think I am. So in the middle of this cold, stormy, frustrating night I realized I have a choice I can try to control the uncontrollable, the unpredictable of my life and my pregnancy or I could release, relax, let-go and trust. Oh, what a tempting offer the latter holds for me, but I realized that God can't work in my heart, in my life if I'm holding on. So although, not perfectly I am letting go-- little by little I'm letting go. The fine line of letting go at this point is making sure it's not in some desperate, manipulative attempt to make the opposite happen in my situation, but to let-go knowing, believing, engaging in hope that it'll be ok. I'll be ok. The baby will come when she's supposed to and I will be restored to sanity, as God has always provided in my life.

That said, I can't say it's been a completely unproductive couple o' days. At night or during the day when I can't rest I've been pulling out the paints, the canvas, the paper, the pen and I've been getting some creative energy out. Here are a couple of paintings I've done in the past few days and a poem. I hope to get my guitar out and write some music, too. So... it looks like some new things are being birthed in my heart even as I write this. Praise be to God.

A response to Psalm 7

like a lion they tear my soul apart.


it is dark
damp—the musk fills the window panes
wet with tears and
saliva

this pit—this gravel
I have been raked and left for dead.

It is dark
when looking into fury.
Breathe?
Breathe the suffocation.
Yet, called to be still—although forced there always
is strange choice.

My soul has been tricked
by its own conscience
to believe in false pardons
that have arisen out of rebellion and desire for
pride.

-- let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it

and let you give birth to
the scarred and the sorry

the broken whip

funny?

not sorry.

the scarred and the sorry

arise, arise and bless.

arise, arise in jest.

arise, arise be humbled.
like a lion—tamed.