so... i'm nesting. i've been planning, organizing and rearranging AND then starting over and doing it all over again. after the ultrasound of cutieness on monday i have had an extra dose of motivation. that said, i've had to start collecting a bunch of baby necessities for the little one. when isabelle was born so many people from my church community let me borrow baby stuff like a cradle swing, bouncy chair, bassinet and other stuff that helped us get through the first few months of baby transition. when isabelle got big enough i just passed those items along to others who had a need. i like the whole idea of community recycling and re-using. in fact, the only things i really bought was a crib and high chair. so this time around i needed to get a few things just to help us out. and i have a few friends who want to plan showers for the baby. but after looking at baby stuff i cannot justify spending 100's of dollars or asking others to spend 100's of dollars on things we will only use for a few months. the baby industry is nuts! seriously they market everything and make parents feel like if you are going to be good parents then you need to purchase everything! i had a friend (who's wife is due on the exact day as me) tell me he went to a store called birth and beyond and they are minimalists they encourage you to get the bare essentials because honestly, first off you don't know what your baby will like and secondly, all the marketing is a ploy to get you to spend lots of money on crap you seriously don't need.

that said, based on experience of having a baby before i kinda had an idea of stuff i'd like to have-- that i felt were essential for the first part of little one's life-- then i craiglisted it. oh my lord, craigslist is genius. i decided to look for a bassinet and found a brand new one with all the bells and whistles for 20 bucks! a very small fraction of what they are selling it for at baby's r us. i found a cradle swing (which i felt was a lifesaver for us when we first had isabelle, as it was the only thing that would put her to sleep) for 35 bucks! it was new and if i had bought it from the store with all the packaging i would have spent about $150 for it. i got a brand new stroller/car seat combo-- never been used for 45 bucks. brilliant! pretty cool way to also recycle and reuse and slow down the wheel of consumption and waste.

also, as i said earlier i have a friend who is planning a little shower for me and my family. i've decided i don't want a traditional shower this time around. i want something that incorporates my whole family and is not just about all the baby games and gifts but looks something more like a blessing. i want my male and female friends, alike, to be invited and i hope to hear my loved ones share with us their hopes and blessings for our little family. most of all, it'll be a celebration of the providence of god and his grace in allowing us to have the responsibility and blessing of parenting our two girls.

so... i had a nice week vacation with my familia! we took a few days and went over to lake chelan. it was wonderful. it was about 98 degrees outside and the resort where we stayed had 5 pools. no one seemed to be taking advantage of the amazing pools, because everyone was going to the lake so we had virtually the entire pool to ourselves. it was great:)

my favorite part was swimming with isabelle. she's gaining more and more confidence in her swimming skills. we've only taken one swimming class (which reminds me i need to get her enrolled in another one) but she just seemed to get the hang of it and she was getting braver and braver with each passing moment. watching her brought back so many nostalgic feelings of when my father taught me how to swim. it was such an amazing bonding experience! i feel that bond growing even more between me and isabelle. she has to trust me in a way that can seem risky. i'm sure she is asking herself all the time, "will she really catch me if i jump"? and when something weird happens and either me or her father are unable to catch her in just the right way it does make her second guess some things and lose just a bit of the confidence she had gained. the beautiful thing is that we just kept working it out together-- finding out what i could realistically do while finding out what her comfort level was.

this has become a bit of a metaphor for me into the larger parenting aspect of my world. as i'm preparing for this beautiful girl inside me to come join our family-- i wonder about all the balancing aspects of adding to our little clan. i know that the dynamics will shift and change and grow and be challenged. i wonder about the delicate balance of maintaining that space we've carved for isabelle and finding a new space for baby girl-- how do those merge together in a harmonious way? the other aspect of being a multiple child family is establishing a structure of fairness and equality while keeping in our minds the fact that our two girls will have different personalities, needs and aspirations. how do you uphold both in equality while recognizing that support might look extremely different based on their personal needs & personalities? as you might have figured out from all my shameless plugs of my daughter-- i am absolutely in-love with her. that being said, i wonder and sometimes worry about what my love will look like for this new girl. (parents of multiple children pipe in and share with me what this balance looks like for you) i fear creating an imbalance of the two and honestly i've seen with my own human eyes (both in my family and in other families) what it looks like when one child is more loved or favored then another. honestly, i don't worry that i'll be that kind of parent who has a favorite but i want to be aware of all the dynamics that can exist and how that can impact the family and my children's individual lives. in a family where one family member/child is upheld and loved above another there can be so much damage and pain.

it makes me think about jacob and esau in genesis. i truly believe that this is a perfect example of what the destructive breakdown of family harmony can look like when parents love one child over the other. it is a breakdown of god's intention and plan for the family-- god desires peace for the world-- a peace that stems from our families and extends to the world. now if you remember, rebecca loved jacob and isaac loved esau. the underlying structure of this imbalance of love for their sons created a world of deception, jealousy and manipulation. the final blow was a blessing robbed, confusion & misunderstanding and ultimately the separation of their family. this is not the peaceful picture that god intended for the family, but i believe this is an important example for us to look at when we are praying and discerning how we should structure our families. from the very beginning our families have been prey of dissension, envy and destruction-- remember cain & abel. so... for me as a mother of two i want to keep that balance refined and in check. i'm human who is privy to all the same temptations, depravity and brokenness that we all face so i recognize i'm not immune from making the same mistakes, but having been brought to awareness requires a different level of responsibility and proactivity on my part. the story of isaac, rebecca, jacob and esau is not told for just anecdotal reasons-- it's told as a means for us to learn from this tragedy and to reclaim the shalom that god has provided for our world and for our families. it is a story that reminds us of the damage and separation that can take place if we don't wisely discern the process of loving and supporting our children.

ok so i went off on a bit of a theological tangent... sorry :( i was gonna make this entry light. on another note, today i saw (through ultrasound) our baby girl. isabelle was able to be there with me, as well as my dear sea, sea. i can not describe to you how fascinating this was. i've had a ton of ultrasounds but today the ultrasound was so vivid and clear. we saw so many details. i could see her yawning, stretching, sucking her thumb (a close up look showed us her lips suckling on her thumb) & blinking. we saw all four chambers of her heart and the little valves opening and closing. amazing! she is 3.5 pounds and very healthy. oh my lord, she is amazingly beautiful. not to toot our own horns, but it must be said we make some really cute babies, us spauldings :)

thanks for sharing in this journey. pics from the ultra sound will be posted later.

loves,

me

Women in leadership conversation cont.

So... the other day I came across this article and I wanted to share it with you. It seems that the Catholic church held a ceremony to ordain women as priests. The Vatican made a final statement saying that they would not recognize these ordinations and in addition any woman who participated in this ceremony would be excommunicated from the church. Seems a bit extreme and oppressive. Tell me what you think. Read here.

Oh no, I don't have a penis!

This past weekend I officiated two weddings-- one on Saturday and one on Sunday. First of all, I just have to say that I absolutely love getting to be a part of a couples lives in this capacity. It's an amazing opportunity to be a part of that journey in some, intimate way. The wedding on Saturday was in Vancouver so it was about 2.5 hours a way from home. It was a lovely setting in the back yard of the bride's parent's home. It was a setting that reminded me of a movie.

Then on Sunday I had the immense privilege of officiating a wedding for a close friend of ours. I felt especially emotional and humbled at his wedding, because of the friendship we've established over the years and to be able to watch him in this next phase in this journey with his lifelong partner made me so proud and amazed.

All that to say, it is great to do the things I get to do like work with couples and officiate weddings but I admit it's always a little touch and go before, during and after each service. I usually get a sense of how I'll be received early on at the rehearsal or when I'm first introduced to family and friends of the wedding party. More often then not those that I'm introduced to have no idea who I am and where I fit and then upon hearing that I'm the minister officiating the wedding I usually get a few surprised, anxious and unsupportive looks. I fall outside of the sphere of what most people expect and what people are comfortable with in terms of what a minister should look like. It doesn't help that I look so young... so I do my best to make myself look a little older. I wear my best suit, glasses, hair back in a bun, etc... I still haven't managed to be able to trick people about my age. However, I think the thing that bothers people the most is that I am a woman. I always forget that even though we live in the 21st century and I live in a pretty progressive city in the US the reality is women in leadership is such a sensitive and controversial subject. It is touchy in all aspects of leadership from politics to business, but the church is not immune to feeling the heat of such controversy.

People might say I'm being a little too sensitive. They may ask, "Really is it that big of a deal"? So I ask you, "Shouldn't it be a big deal? Look around at most churches how many women do you see represented in leadership-- not many if any in most church settings. I am in partnership with a great denomination which affirms women in leadership and leans towards looking at people's giftedness and calling in the affirmation process, as opposed to gender. That is incredibly encouraging-- especially being a woman and having felt a distinct call on my life towards ministry, but even in this setting there are plenty of male pastors who feel like they can't support women in leadership and desire the decision to be made in the local church rather then in the larger denomination. So inevitably in all of our ordination classes the topic of the role of women in the church come up. It can be an incredibly painful conversation, especially when you hear feedback from males that if a woman talks passionately about her call and defends her position she is just being too angry and won't be received until she presents herself with more humility. Yes, I've heard those attitudes and words come across even within a denomination which clearly supports leadership of women. And it is those words and those attitudes that shut down the voice of many women who feel tired and hopeless about change ever happening. Part of the change incorporates a willingness to hear women's stories and pain. Humility must come in the act of hearing and listening... Being met with that posture can diffuse any defenses that might be present.

Although, there definitely is discomfort in many people about the idea of women in leadership I am encouraged that the church is taking steps towards engaging and interpreting this struggle differently. The Anglican church just made the decision to recognize women bishops. Read here.
Even in our Quest congregation I feel like people are engaging the topic with more openness and desire to understand. I had men and women alike following the weddings share their affirmation of my presence in the ceremony. I had an older gentleman say, "I like what you're doing". As I responded with, "What do you mean"? He went on to say, "I like that you're breaking the stereotype that only men can be ministers. You wear it well". So little by little we make headway.

It's nice to feel wanted

The last monthly or so we've been going through various life transitions. Nothing of magnitude but enough to make anyone feel a little uneasy or anxious especially if you're a four year old person. My daughter has been going through another bout of separation anxiety and usually experiences a tiny break down right before me or my husband leave her. Yesterday I was leaving her with one of our closest friends and someone who she lovingly calls 'auntie'. This is the same friend who has been hanging out with her on Mondays for over a year-- someone she feels safe and secure with and who she always has a great time hanging out with... But yesterday as I was preparing to leave for work she literally barricaded me at the door with her arms saying, "No mom! I don't want you to leave me"! It was heart wrenching! Although it felt so nice to feel wanted and longed for it hurt to see her so sad and with tears just streaming down her face. My daughter has a way of stopping me in my tracks like no other person. I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling, as there are parents all over the world who experience anxiety of their own when they are leaving a sad child behind. It is such a fine balance to provide a safe, secure environment for our children. And although I'm not perfect, I try very hard to create a space where she knows somewhere deep inside that mommy and daddy are coming back and that she is their first and foremost priority and within that providing her with protection and security. It is not only my first priority for my family-- it is my passion.

This week we also welcomed a dear friend to our new house. Jenny K (as I lovingly refer to her) came into town from Michigan and it was so good to be with her. She stayed two nights at our house and we had such a wonderful time just having her there. I worked with Jenn back in the earlier days of Q Cafe. She was the cafe manager and I was the community center director and we went through many of the ups and downs together. I also feel proud of the fact that I've been around to witness so much growth and depth develop in Jenn. She is a fighter and has stuck with many difficult things and she is learning with love and grace how to stay faithful to the fight ahead so that she may live in the light of passion and redemption. It has been amazing to be on the fringes of that picture in her life. I am so proud. I am touched. I am inspired.

Last night I attended one of our monthly elder board meetings. I've been a leader at Quest for about 6 years. About a year ago we changed our leadership model to an elder board model and I went through the process of being interviewed by the church members, leadership team, etc. Anyway, shortly after that we went through a church merger with Interbay Covenant church right next to us. Through that process we gained a wealth of wisdom, depth and leadership. Our staffs were combined. We combined our leadership/elder teams. Our congregation was brought together as one church. It was amazing to watch God at work amongst both congregations. That said, it's been over a year now since that process. I can't say that the merger was not without its fair share of ups and down, but all in all it was an encouraging process (especially now in looking hindsight and having moved a way from the initial growing pains). OK, so this section isn't really about the merger-- you've heard about that before in earlier posts but what this is really about is one of the most amazing women I've ever met who joined our Elder Board this last year. She was the chair of the leadership team at Interbay church and in the midst of the merger we gained her expertise, knowledge, wonderful humor, imagination, creativity, grace and grit on the Quest Elder Board. Barbara is someone I admire so deeply. I've heard pieces of her story. A few years ago she lost her husband suddenly while they were a way on vacation and although I was not close to her during that time I've witnessed her tenacity to continue to live life to the fullest. There is always something to be learned from her. I feel tremendously blessed to be able to work so closely with her in this capacity. She is a fighter like none I've ever met. Her words are so eloquent and full of creativity that I seek to be a woman who follows closely in her footsteps. She is in her 70's and she hasn't allowed life to slow her down or keep her from dreaming. In fact, on July 12th she's traveling to Tanzania (her second trip there) to continue her work in a village called Chamwino. Keep an eye on this lady-- she will rock your world! You can check out her adventures on the Quest website and I am confidant that she will have many adventures to share upon her return.

This Sunday the 29th will mark our 12th anniversary. Having just moved we are trying to play it low-key. I just thought it would be nice for us to write a letter to each other-- commemorating in written words our life together-- how we see each other-- what we dream about-- what we hope for for the other and how we will continue to carve out a life together. Honestly, after two years it's easy to fall into the monotony of daily responsibilities and life demands and we've fallen prey to that on several occasions. I realize I still have so much to learn about what it means to love Frank without inhibition or condition. I confess I still hide behind many masks and safety nets that I've constructed to protect myself. Although, the hiding becomes more and more difficult over the course of 12 years the reality is I find places where I will not surrender to anyone-- my God or my husband. So although I'd like to think that after all this time I'm some kind of expert I'm realizing there is no such thing-- it's a myth-- constructed to keep us reaching for something that won't be held in reality. Oh yeah, to be present-- that's what we're called to. Here's to another year with Frank.

It's good to be reminded...

The last few months I've been reading (slowly) through Henry Nouwen's book: Life of the Beloved. I have purposely taking the time to let the book marinate me with words we rarely hear or acknowledge in our lives. It seems there are always more pressing things going on in the world that take the forefront of our attentions then that of hearing and accepting our 'belovedness'. Yet, I recognize that we are hungry to hear it-- to know it-- to somehow see it in our very own lives. Although, we may believe in some theological manner that we are created in God's image-- a mirror of the divine and made in a uniqueness that is all our own-- the beloved concept rarely penetrates our souls in any real or believable way. In fact, it's more common for the opposite to occur and that is when we fight off the truth by internalizing falsehoods that are outside of us and do not speak to our beauty and this grace despite our depravity. Beauty and God's grace should be the foundation in which we build our lives.

Even in the church we speak from our pulpits about grace and this idea of unconditional love but we struggle to live it out in any practical way. We still create categories that relegate people to boxes that reflect the external. Then in some viciousness we individually and corporately receive those categories as truth rather then the former. This cycle sabotages the fundamental truth of our existence. Why is it easier for us to get caught up in this broke-down system of what we believe is our worth? We are the victims and victimizers in this structure because this system is fueled by unbelief of this gracious truth for our personal stories. Although we may communicate that everyone are recipients of grace and chosen as the beloved if we don't believe it fundamentally in ourselves we can't really believe it for anyone else, hence the need for boxes and categorizations. We need something that puts some rationality around this insane message of grace.

Nouwen says, "In the midst of this extremely painful reality, we have to reclaim the truth that we are God's chosen ones, even when our world does not choose us. As long as we allow our parents, siblings, teachers, friends and lovers to determine whether we are chosen or not, we are caught in the net of a suffocating world that accepts or rejects us according to its own agenda of effectiveness or control... The great spiritual battle begins-- and never ends-- with the reclaiming of our chosenness. Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes. Long before anyone heard us cry or laugh, we are heard by our God who is all ears for us. Long before any person spoke to us in this world, we are spoken to by the voice of eternal love".

This is not a simple call, because the moment we begin to reclaim truth we will be overcome with lies. We will be confronted with worry and doubt-- wondering what our motivations must mean. Is it possible that we could be chosen? No, because we are meant to reject that message for fear we might come across as narcissistic or other's might perceive us as arrogant. Nouwen reminds us that there is no competition in being chosen. We are all chosen in our uniqueness and individuality. There is no one else that can claim my chosenness and I can't claim anyone elses. Then the astounding beauty of this acceptance and reclamation creates a new system where I am built in the foundation of belovedness which will only propel me forward to love and extend a grace that is profound and authentic-- one that is an extension of our redemptive stories. Now, there is nothing narcissistic about that.

I admit it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’d be surprised if anyone even reads it anymore since no one expects any new entries after months of no words. I have to confess that I feel quite conflicted about blogs and the whole blogging sphere. It actually frustrates me a lot when I think about it and I go back and forth on my position of blogs. I definitely think blogs have their place. They are a great tool to keep people who live far away from you in the loop. However, my confliction takes place when I realize I know more about those who I’m currently in close community with because of their blogs rather then intimacy and relationship being built authentically through our daily interactions. In this way blogs provide a sense of intimacy and community that is false and that cannot be maintained via the Internet hence, my frustration. So here I am… conflicted and confused and blogging. I haven’t completely given up on it and I have so many thoughts and things on my mind that I feel like its due time I share those with whoever might be interested—perhaps no one, but I’ll take my chances. I ask your forgiveness in advance as I try to articulate this jumble of thoughts that are in my head.

We’ve just moved this last weekend. I have to say that I truly HATE moving. I have been avoiding the whole process for a loooooong time. We literally have been living off of 15th in Ballard and managed an apartment building there for the past 5 years. After getting pregnant with our second child I realized that it wouldn’t be wise for us to continue to manage an apartment building while trying to parent my dear children, try to be a wife who is present and available for the needs of my husband and tending to my marriage, continuing my position as a Pastor at Quest Church and starting a new business as a private practitioner. I have a tendency of being over zealous and taking on too much which usually spirals me into feeling overwhelmed and not useful to anyone. So after much prayer, thought and consideration we decided to move out of our very cute apartment in Ballard and find a house that could give enough space for our growing lil’ family.

We found a really great house in Shoreline that we thought was amazing and would be a great place for our children to play and grow. The house is great—the location I’m still getting adjusted to. I absolutely love the urban lifestyle. Seattle is an amazing city. It is a progressive and liberal place. I love that people are committed to social justice, art and community. And although I don’t agree with all viewpoints and perspectives I thoroughly enjoy how people engage topics from politics to religion to art and culture so passionately, intellectually and critically-- so the move from an urban setting to a suburb where there are trees and nature and quiet on all sides is quite a transition for me. In Ballard, we lived directly across the street from Taco Bell, Blockbuster, Ivars and Taco Del Mar and I honestly never thought I’d say I miss the sirens and the noise from 15th and the constant chatter that passes right by our bedroom window, but I truly do. I’ll miss just being able to grab my daughter and walk a few blocks to Market or hop on the 15 and head down to Pike Place Market or downtown. So our move is bittersweet for me.

Our house is great and we are slowly getting settled. I think it will be an amazing opportunity for my daughters. So although it’s an adjustment I look forward to the memories we will make as a family in our new house.

That said, I found out a few weeks ago at my 18-week ultrasound that I am having another little girl. We couldn’t be more thrilled at the thought of our new girl. I wonder about this amazing little girl inside me. Who will she look like? What will her personality be like? How will her and her big sister, Isabelle grow in their relationship with each other? I am so excited and I find it fascinating that although I’ve been pregnant before I still have so many questions about this new little blessing inside me and how she will develop and grow. It is a beautiful experience that is new, fresh and hopeful.

My private practice is going really well and continues to grow. I am really exciting about the direction it’s going and how it’s fueling me in other passions and dreams I hold in my heart. I am a dreamer and I am thrilled over the future possibilities that I feel God has planted. I have almost a full clientele and I am also officiating three weddings this summer, as well as providing continued leadership at Quest, especially as Eugene takes a much needed and deserved sabbatical. It is going to be an incredibly busy summer for me, especially as this belly continues to expand before me, but I am looking forward to each role that I am filling at this point in my life. I continue to be humbled and amazed!

Future dreams still consist of going back to school and working on my doctorate. I have found a program in Seattle that I am attracted to. We’re just waiting to nurture our young family and we’ll reevaluate as we go. Please continue to pray for direction in our lives, as we have many decisions ahead of us. We’re learning what it means to integrate our dreams with the practical realities of our world each day. It is a hard lesson to learn, but we want to be faithful to the gifts that have already been given to us, as well as continue to cultivate ourselves and be open to be used in a variety of new ways. One of those dreams for me is how to integrate my passion for social justice and psychology. I keep asking how I can creatively use both to impact the world and bring change to the structure that psychologists and counselors so often get stuck in. I believe psychology can be a compassionate field and we need to find ways to make it accessible to everyone—the poor, the rich, the imprisoned and the free. No one should be marginalized from being able to access the tools and resources that counseling psychology provides.

These past four months I’ve had the privilege of co-leading a group for those who are experiencing challenges with depression and anxiety. It has been a beautiful and painful process. I have grown to love and hope for each person in the group—including myself. It has stretched me beyond my own personal comfort at times, it has been raw at times, it has been frustrating and difficult and it has been redemptive. I’ve recognized that the group has run the range of the human condition, which has been amazing and hurtful; confusing and clarifying; vulnerable and resistant. We’ve spent the four months sharing our lives, our stories, our pain and our joy and that can bring up ambivalence of all kinds.

We also studied the book: Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III. This book takes you through a long list of emotions—especially difficult ones like anger, shame, contempt, guilt and fear. It takes these emotions and examines them from a theological perspective while challenging the audience to understand where these emotions are rooted—God. It especially looks at the difficult and raw emotions that are expressed in the Psalms and how, although scary, an honest, inviting and vulnerable approach to these emotions can bring us to deeper communion with God. This approach is contrary to what we believe we should do about rage, anger, fear and contempt, but we recognize that the psalmists did not shy away from these difficult feelings instead they lived in the tension of a God absence and the occasional God reveal.

In one of the last chapters on the Mystery of God the authors write, “God invites and elicits the cold fury of our soul because it is in the midst of this struggle to express our heart to Him that we enter the passion of our desire and engage in relationship with Him. It appears that he blesses passion, even when it opposes Him, as long as we move toward Him to wrestle with who He is. The Lord honors the heart that struggles to know Him or fight Him, because he will use all the human passion—for or against God—to capture our hearts for Him”. This reminds me of Jacob and God wrestling. I have always pondered why didn’t God just break this weasel of a man. It has always astounded me how God stayed and honored Jacob’s attempt to hold on. God did the opposite of what we expect any god to do—He stayed, He engaged, He wrestled and at the end He blessed. That is the wonderful mystery of His grace—that in our fury and in our irrational, shortsighted attempt to understand ourselves and God—He stays. In some odd and miraculous way God calls us to passionately wrestle—He calls us to come to the wrestling mat even if our ‘coming’ is motivated and fueled by our rage, our anger and our desperation. It is at this wrestling arena where a God reveal is so profound and perplexing that we are inspired and enticed to look, to stay, to fight and to see.