Chris Brown, or not, it's not okay to beat your girlfriend.

It has been disturbing and frustrating to read about people's apathetic responses to the pictures of Rihanna (girlfriend of Chris Brown) where her face was black and blue from an incident of abuse inflicted on her by Brown. The New York Times came out with an article about dating violence where young girls who are fans of Brown stated that they believed it to be Rihanna's fault for the attack. Many girls felt that perhaps she had done something to make him angry to warrant him to do such a thing. You can read the full article here.

In addition, Nickelodean stated that they will not remove Chris Brown from the nomination for favorite male singer despite a public outcry. A petition was signed which included 4600+ signatures to ask the network to take him off. Yet, Nickelodean stands by their nominee stating," Brown was nominated before the incident with Rihanna, and the honor had received little notice until the singer posted a note last week on his Facebook urging his fans to vote for him" (Seattle Times).

As I read such things I am flooded with all sorts of questions like: Why do we make concessions for celebrities when they do such horrible things? How are young girls getting the message that it is ok to blame the victim of such crimes? If young girls believe this now, what does that mean for this growing generation in terms of their intimate relationships-- will there be a growing apathy to issues of domestic violence in their personal relationships? And how do we undo the injustice of perpetuating this cycle that if you are a celebrity it is ok to do anything you want-- even physically hurt another person?

I have a friend who works in the Seattle Municipal Court. Her department is the Domestic Violence Probation unit. She shares that the problem there is as bad as ever. Most of their clients are male perpetrators who are in the system for multiple offenses. Here are some brief statistics of the problem:
*One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
*An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
*85% of domestic violence victims are women.
*Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.
*Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.
*Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.
(National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

The Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence found in 2008 that out of 476 deaths related to DV in the state of Washington only 2 of those deaths were results of female abusers murdering their partner, 5 of those deaths resulted from female victims who killed their abuser in self defense.

So what is the problem with our response? I think it is this: We are not angry enough about these crimes against humanity. We still fall prey to beliefs that state, "that what happens behind closed doors is not our business". We turn a blind eye to such offenses and we don't hold people accountable to their actions-- sending a message that it is ok, perpetuating the burden falling on the victim's shoulders which isolates and creates doubt. There is a cycle of domestic violence and much of it is sustained on the scales of power, control, accessibility, security and isolation. We can not stand by responding in apathy to such abuses-- even in situations involving a celebrity. There cannot be ambiguity about our tolerance of domestic violence. We must take a stand now and we must teach future generations that such abuses are unacceptable in our communities.

Why the Homeless??? The question that continues to plague us...

This past Monday we held the Why the Homeless forum @ Quest. It was a great turn out, a great dialogue and a good start to what I hope to be a challenge for us as a church to care for the homeless.

The evening started off with a question, "Can we live into a more compassionate humanity"? After years and years of seeing the homeless be undervalued, stigmatized and dismissed I really wonder when we will begin seeing people with value and purpose simply because we believe they matter in the here & now. I wonder if we can reflect to the homeless a sense of dignity and the truth that they too are created in God's image with value and integrity. As I grow older, sometimes I lose a sense of that hope. I easily can fall prey to all sorts of cynicism, because it just seems like such a mountain to climb.

On Tuesday, I came into work when a woman I've worked with for years asked to see me. Upon approaching her I saw that she had a leg brace on both legs and a walker. I immediately asked what had happened when she shared that on February 24th sometime in the early morning she had been standing on a sidewalk when she became victim to a hit & run. She was just released from the hospital on March 16th and to make matters worse, the authorities who took the report, as well as the paramedics did not pass along her belongings to the hospital so now she has no identification-- all important paperwork that she owns is gone.

I don't know what that conjures up in you when you read that, but for me I connect with anger. How is it that someone could leave an accident not knowing whether or not the person that they hit was alive or dead? How is it that there wasn't more care taken in making sure that everything this person owned gets to her once she arrives at the hospital? How is that she is released, not fully recovered, to stay in shelter for the night but made to wander the streets by day in her condition? One injustice after the next...

I am working with her to try to get her ID back, but so far there hasn't been a lot of help from the police or fire departments. There isn't much urgency for a homeless woman. And this is what I mean by, "When will we live into a more compassionate humanity"? This reality-- where a person is valued and made a priority simply because they are human and share the same thread of the human experience that we all do. Imagine the healing, image the hurdles we could cross if we just cared-- if we left our anesthetized state, to really see another human being and care. I truly wonder these things. I truly wonder if looking at ourselves in this way could have made a difference for this woman.

This week has been one of wrestling.

Saturday was Craig's burial and Celebration of Life service. I can't begin to describe how amazed and blessed I felt to hear stories of Craig-- his tenacity for his family & friends, his commitment to investing in people and the love of God that was shown to others through Craig's life. I'll be honest I didn't know Craig very well, but I am honored to say that I did witness these attributes over the last year and a half as he battled cancer.

At his service, they shared a video which documented his life and his love over the course of his 36 years. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the room during the video presentation. The video was well done, but besides that I truly felt the love that Craig had for Betty and his kids. I could literally feel it. AND I could feel the love that Betty and the kids have for Craig. And this is where I feel broke, speechless and unable to come to terms with the end result to Craig's story.

I came home Saturday after the service. I hugged my kids. I played with my Izzy. I had a deeper appreciation for what I have, but I couldn't get over the nagging question of, "why"? Why after all these months of ferverently praying, of crying out, of interceding as a community for physical healing for Craig-- why had the answer come to this? Why was the answer, "no"? I wrestled back and forth with this question of why. This answer which was so senseless, so unfair. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. I found myself getting up in the night weeping and flooded with emotions of all kinds.

On Sunday as I woke up and began preparing my heart for church. I pondered again the question I had been wrestling with and I came to a conclusion and the conclusion was this-- I did not like the answer God gave. Yet, although I could be honest and transparent before God regarding my dislike, my disdain, my frustration, my anger-- I realized that although I didn't like it-- I could trust God. I was honest enough with myself that I did not understand the big picture and that for some reason God had a reason for the answer He gave.

I'll be honest, I still do not like the answer. I am still in grief. But I will trust God. I will believe that for some reason (which I cannot fool myself to know anything about) this is part of some plan, some purpose. For now, it does not take a way the sting of his death, nor the frustration of this confusion. It hurts like hell. Yet, in this grief I feel an odd sustainment of God's presence, peace and the invitation to step through a doorway to trust. I pray I can be faithful to this call.

A friend of mine died this Saturday. Craig is a friend and brother of my community at Quest. Over the past two years he had been battling with brain cancer. He honestly, fought it so bravely and tenaciously, as he sought to be a presence to his wife and two small children. Craig made the most of his time-- although, the amount of time he had was uncertain, he fought to utilize his time in spending it and growing in love with Betty & the kids. About 6 weeks ago I had the privilege of visiting with them. I was astounded and moved when Craig, while weak, frail & tired, sat there and in turn ministered to us. He preached of loving our families more deeply and figuring out what is most important in life. Amidst his struggles to live, he found what was important and continued to seek God amidst personal tragedy and adversity. Here is an excerpt from a blog he wrote...
life lesson #6

in addition to your new year’s resolutions (many of which are probably already broken), I would like each of you to do something more meaningful and look back on 2008 and find at least 10 things that you are thankful for.

I’ll start…..
I’m thankful to God for his daily miracles of minimizing the symptoms from my tumors.

I’m thankful to God for letting me make it to 2009 – my docs said I’d likely be in heaven by now.

I’m thankful for every moment I had, and continue to have, with my wife and kids.

I’m thankful for my wife, mom, and brother who are there daily by my side dutifully taking care of me.

I’m thankful for all my faithful friends who just flocked to my side at a moments notice.

I’m thankful for my loving church body who amaze me daily with their continual prayer and love.

I’m thankful for my magician of an accupuncturist, David Lerner, my caregivers at SCCA and SCTWC who have taken such good care of me over the last 15 months.

I’m thankful for my wonderfully supportive employer – NeuroVista – who continues to support and love me on a daily basis

I’m thankful for my family and friends who have cooked us meals and taken our kids on play dates.

I’m thankful for each and every one of you who have read my blog, thought of me and prayed for me.


This is the gift he shared with me-- the challenge to love more deeply, to live more fully and to be intentional about seeking God's hand in each moment.

I will miss him. He will be greatly missed in our community. Craig, thank you for your love & service.

And my heart especially goes out to Betty, Joshua & Kate. May they experience a comfort indescribable in their time of loss. My prayer is this Psalm that I claim for their family:

121.
I lift my eyes up to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made the heaven and earth.

May God's help be present and felt today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ISABELLE ROSE!

Today, this 3rd day of March Isabelle is five years old. It truly is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since we first met her. This morning I had the opportunity to share with Isabelle her birth story. I told her how she was two weeks over due and how we were so incredibly excited to meet her. I shared with her the very first time that we were face to face with her and how my heart swelled with so much pride, love & joy at the sight of her beautiful face and the sound of her amazing voice! I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday.

I have a few favorite days in my life: Isabelle's birth was one of my most favorite days. So getting the opportunity to celebrate her life, her hopes, her dreams and the person that she is shaping to be is very important to me.

Isabelle is really, truly a beautiful person with a kindred heart and a sweet spirit. She is concerned about those that around her and she deeply wants to understand how this whole God thing works and how it fits into her world day to day. We have incredibly deep conversations about theology and life. I am truly astounded by her curiosity and the questions that she poses to all that around her. She has a ferocious energy for life and is constantly moving and creating new concepts and ideas in her head. She absolutely loves to create and make art projects daily.

Today I asked Isabelle how she felt about being five and she said, "I'm very happy, Mom. I feel like an adult". Her goals for this year include honing in on her super-hero powers, taking up driving, walking to class by herself without her parents and continue being a good mother to Fancy, her pink & white cat.

Happy Birthday, Isabelle! We celebrate you today and always!

Ash Wednesday-- a start to lent.

Remember, you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Repent and believe the gospel of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Today is Ash Wednesday and we (the entire family) attended a 7 am Ash Wednesday service at the church. It has always been important to me to take some real time to reflect on what the lenten season means and what it means to sacrifice or purge oneself from a pleasure during these 40 days. Fasting is so contrary to the natural rhythm of our culture. We are a consumer society-- committed to indulging and ingesting anything that finds its way on our path. So... to commit oneself to a 40 day break is contrary to every outside voice and distraction.

I wasn't raised in a liturgical tradition. We didn't observe the church calendar, as many other faith traditions follow. So my time at Quest has given me a new sense and appreciation for the rhythm that the early church established in keeping with their faith. It has stretched me and called me to a deeper sense of struggle and commitment to wrestling with my own faith. I've found that history doesn't have to be sterile or an avenue that chokes life (as my growing up years in the church often taught). In fact, it is quite the contrary, our history, our heritage can give us meaning and a sense of connection to the historical church and in that a fresh sense of life and a call to worship is experienced.

The lent season is not just about a shedding of things-- it is more importantly about the drawing near. It is about the pressing in-- the seeking-- the peering-- the longing to know. And as I've been reflecting these days on just what this shedding or sacrifice should be I was convicted in recognizing how easy it was for me to connect with the 'doing' aspect of lent-- as opposed to the being.

And this is my lent prayer: that I see Christ more clearly, hear His voice more distinctly and be refined into His likeness.

One of the devotions I'm following stated this today on this first day of lent, "Superficial worship, which makes ritualistic gestures toward God while people practice injustice, is worthless... Is not this the fast that I chose: to loose the bonds of injustice...to let the oppressed go free...share your bread with the hungry...to bring the homeless poor into your house...when you see the naked, to cover them...then you shall call and the Lord will answer" (Isaiah 58:6-9). Such is the Lenten journey that God blesses, that we might be called repairers of the breach, restorers of the streets on which we live. (John Martin Mann, Seminary Pastor, Luther Seminary)

Forgive me. This is about to become a blog spew. Since my last post I’ve wrestled more in the context of conversations with close friends about the purpose of blogging. Although, no definitive conclusions were made I am encouraged to find out I’m not alone in this significant question.

Part of my journey in this quest comes from a place of humility. I mean honestly, what real authority do I have to tell people what is what? However, what I can attempt to do is live into the very real tension of honesty, transparency and openness of my life under the umbrella of wisdom and discernment AND with a sliver of hope that there is some common experience that can be shared (namely the human experience), as well as the desire to allow my story to be a source of encouragement & edification. So that is my prayer in the blogging sphere, as it is in other places of my life and it is this-- that I seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly.

This past week has been a very busy-full week. On Saturday my littlest girl turned 4 months old. I can’t believe that she is 4 months old already. I feel like I just had her in October and the time has simply just flown right by. I am still learning about her. Her little personality is being revealed more each day. What I have learned about her is this: she is very sweet. She has an incredibly sweet personality. She soothes people with her smile and disposition. I am incredibly proud of Fiona and the person that she is becoming. I look forward to many more days, months and years with her.

The last few weeks we’ve been hosting a refugee family: a father and his two daughters who are 9 & 10 years old. It has been such a blessing and honor to get to know this family. They are beautiful and the girls are so sweet and gracious. They are now in their own home in the U district. I know we (all those who have gotten to know them) all feel a burden to make sure that they are able to transition into this new life with ease. A few days prior to their moving a few other refugee families were visited and it was discovered that they went a whole 4 days with out eating because the organization that was settling them gave them $$ for food but did not teach them where and how to get the food. It seems unfathomable to think that people were left in such a condition with all the resources and tools we have to make sure that people are equipped and needs are met. This is an email I received from the host family highlighting a couple of their thoughts and experiences in hosting this family (the email was entitled: Thoughts from the Kitchen):

I don't know how you're supposed to feel when:

A. Your new friend compliments your cooking through and interpreter and says he'd like to learn to cook some of those things, and you think he's just being polite, then you find out later it's 'cause he's really happy his kids are getting to eat something besides rice, fish paste and chilies....that they get vegetables and vitamins. Humble?
B. You get a call at work that you can't answer, call your daughter back and leave her a message to call her Dad, and find out she not only discovered the lice, but walked to the store to get lice removal stuff, got a friend on the phone to translate and began helping clean up our new friends. The girls said they hadn't slept as good as they did that night in a long time 'cause their heads didn't itch. Proud?
C. You find out through friends of friends that knew this family in the camp, that Dad's been ill a long time and unable to work. That his wife left the camp to get a job and never came back....protective? Sad?
D. Challenge that came up in the Karen community....a Karen man (single dad with three kids) who lost his leg to a Burma army land mine, living in Tukwila, who would have otherwise been a possible housemate for the dad and girls staying with us. But this dad is Burmese....it was an issue..... Many need healing for wounds that are hard to translate....... Overwhelmed?

After receiving and reading this email I felt weak and heavily burdened. So much need and so much learning to still be done in order to be some source of help—help that is shrouded in integrity & dignity. And even though that feeling can be so crippling and overwhelming I felt a distinct peace that reminded me that there is HOPE and that God still does redeem.

On another note, my mind is all over the place all the time. I am, on a consistent and regular basis, inundated with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I feel like I’m almost to the point where I need a recorder to take down dictation because I can’t possibly expel the thoughts fast enough before another bulk of thoughts are upon me. I feel blessed that I am being challenged to grapple, to wrestle, to be faithful to the many things that God has placed in my life. But there are also moments of where I feel the curse, as I am unable to articulate or express these thoughts, ideas and feelings in a timely enough fashion. So…I’ve included some of these random thoughts that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. They are undeveloped thoughts so be kind. I hope to flesh them out more in time. But for now I leave the skeletal, fragments of such ideas for your ponderings and hope that maybe you can wrestle with me in them. Here goes…

- If you want to know what a parent believes watch his or her child. (More of this will be fleshed out as I process what it means to be a parent of a preschooler).
- The value and high standard of intimacy in relationship must be recognized and a conviction of all parties otherwise it is not a true value and can never be realized. DTR’s (and forgive me for saying that because I hate the phrase) must be done not only in ‘dating’ relationships, but in all shared relationship. We all have different needs and desires that somehow have to be actualized, on some level, to have real, authentic connection with anyone.
- Someone I know keeps emphasizing the statement and truth that, “We don’t always get our way so GROW UP.” This is true, but can we assume that all desire or longing is innately bad, selfish and/or immature? That statement kind of frames our desires as though any disappointment felt is illegitimate and at the heart of all longing (and then in turn disappointment when desire goes unmet) is immature. Where is the compassion when disappointment comes from unrealized hopes of friendship, loss of hope of being known and knowing or the lack of deeper actualization of our understanding of God? Is there no place to feel the very real loss of elements in the world that we are created for and God has designed us to experience?
- People always say that they are open to diversity. However, once confronted with elements of diversity that requires one to leave comfort people become resistant to the whole idea, which is not a true value of diversity, is it? At Quest we talk about diversity in terms of culture, race, gender and even there it seems to be ok to highlight such need for diversity but when we are confronted with issues of mental illness, sexual orientation, family structure, lifestyle, politics ( To name a few. I know these seem vague.) we are not so open to dialogue.

Ok. Forgive me for my overwhelming post. I leave you now with these thoughts.