The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of busyness for me… It seems when I pass through one busy season I seem to naively think that the next season will be much slower paced. It’s not long after that thought crosses my mind that I’m jolted into reality and in the passage from one season to the next I realize that the pace remains very much the same as the season before. After 5 years of this constant moving pace I’m really ready to take a break, to rest, to reflect and to meditate on that which God has done in my life, to look at how he has been present in every aspect of life, and enjoy all that He has gifted my life with (i.e. my husband, my daughter, my close friendships). Yet, I know that sometimes those moments have to be taken and a need to shut out all the outside voices, agendas and expectations must be employed. Unfortunately, for me I don’t always recognize it until I’m at my weakest and most fragile state. God’s grace and mercy is such that he continues to invite me in even when I ignore the prodding of the Holy Spirit.

This past week the To the Streets ministry has been preparing for the Thanksgiving Dinner we are hosting for the homeless community on Saturday. There were a lot of small details and coordination that need to be attended to and I am thankful because so many responded to the need and stepped up to volunteer. For me as the primary leader my mind was swimming with thoughts about turkeys and potatoes and runs to Costco and grocery bags of food and coordinating volunteers and so on… It is all this busy work that invades my mind. Now the reason I was a little more anxious then normal is that while I was simultaneously trying to mentally prepare and coordinate all the pieces for the dinner while also sitting in an ordination class this week from 9 in the morning until 9 in the night. Now ultimately I know that everything will fall into place but in actuality I feel pulled mentally and physically in several different directions. With that said, most of my time in the class has found my mind wandering all over the place—in and out of the classroom into the realm of turkeys and centerpieces and back. It has been a very disjointed experience, but God reached beyond my ADD, grabbed my attention and brought me back into the fold of his Spirit.

It was difficult to stay in the class every night until 9 knowing that I had a ton of things to do in the office with a gracious attitude and, although gentle, the Holy Spirit brought conviction to my heart to remain present and steadfast to this place that he had me. One of the last nights I went to a segment of the class which was a worship setting with great reluctance. Some of the students in the class prepared and planned the worship service so there was a desire on my part to honor their efforts, but in all honestly I wanted to go home. I wanted to get back to the office to take care of a few things knowing that the following day I’d need to leave the house at 7:30 am to be back for the final session of the class. Little did I know that the Spirit had different plans for me at the service. I was pleasantly surprised. It was a quaint, simple yet beautiful service setting. The setting--a small circle with the cross, communion feast, candlelight as the centerpiece and the people facing each other in this circle. It was an extremely intimate and vulnerable setting. We were asked to reflect and share on the following questions: Who are you? What are you leaving behind? What are you becoming? This is my answer that I pondered and wrestled over for some time:

I have felt for so long that I have been in transition and influx. I don’t feel like I can rest or relax or trust. I feel constantly bombarded by things that are worldly or material. I feel unsettled in who I am and I wonder what is my purpose. I question what is my call and where does God want me. I struggle with where I am at in every aspect of my world—from ministry to family. I am unsure. I am hesitant and I wonder how others perceive me and all this brings me great restlessness. At the core, I want to believe and I want to trust and I want to know without doubt or shame that God is for me, but I face so many emotional demons and I hold myself at a distance from God. So I guess I’d say is that I am a woman in transition—still being transformed and renewed by God’s unconditional love. I don’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it, but even in my questions, my struggles, my uncertainties I know that it exists and remains a constant in my life.

I am leaving behind: control. You see in the midst of all this anxiety of the unknown— the unknown of my present and the stepping out into my future I think that somehow, in some way I can change my circumstances. I can make things better. I can rely on only me. So in facing who I am I realize that I am forced to let go of an idol of self preservation and the need to keep things so tightly held in my hands.

What am I becoming? I am becoming a woman who rests. I am becoming a woman who doesn’t apologize for who I am or explain a way all of my thoughts, feelings and convictions but rests and is assured that for whatever reason God made me. He made me in his image and he is delighted in that work. That is a truth I can rest in. That is a reminder that I can lean on in God. That is confirmation that I don’t have to be ashamed that I am weak but instead remember it is in Him where I am made strong.