is it possible??

when i was young girl whenever i thought about what i wanted to do with my life when i got older it always consisted of one of two things: being a singer or becoming a counselor. i'm going to just concentrate on the latter and post another site about the desire to sing another time... but i knew at a pretty young age that i wanted to help people and the natural fit for me was to be a therapist. so when i got older and when i was in college i began to really pursue this passion of mine.

upon graduating from central i went on to study for my master's in counseling psychology at marshill graduate school. it was a great experience for me and i was affirmed in this setting that i was on the right vocational track through the voices of my instructors, fellow classmates, how i simply excelled in the program, how my love for people grew and my desire to help deepened. my vocational future seemed pretty clear cut and i was working towards making that dream a reality which included this whole idea about private practice and therapy. the model of therapy was pitched to us in a particular manner and although not every student went onto become a professional therapists-- if you were on that track it inevitably meant private practice and doing therapy in a particular setting and way which also meant a particular population that the therapist would be sitting across from.

upon graduating from marshill i had to figure out how to take all this newly acquired knowledge and my dreams and put things into motion. it was really tough at first. i finished my last class in august just a few weeks before september 11th occurred. when i had finally completed everything there was no work available, i didn't have the means to start a business as a private practitioner and i needed to eat. i ended up having to take a job just to pay bills as a sales associate at urban outfitters which proved to be probably the most depressing time of my life and i remember seeing fellow graduates come into the store while i ducked behind and in between clothing racks to avoid being seen out of sheer embarrassment. but then there was a break-- i applied for a position as a case manager to go on working with homeless and parenting young women (ages ranged from 17 to 23). i got the job! i was excited i finally was going to put all this theory into practice. this job was like vocational boot camp for me. as you may know already, the world of case management is very different from the therapy i was trained to administer and the whole experience-- setting, population, everything didn't fit the model i'd been accustomed to, but none-the-less i had the chance to 'be' in these young women and their children's lives. my case management experience included helping the young mothers set goals, get to appointments for housing, health care & other important meetings, as well as a whole lot of babysitting. it wasn't what i envisioned vocationally but there was a need and i was trying to stay faithful even in the fire with my clients. and god knows, these girls made me run an obstacle course. these girls were not interested in any theoretical BS. if you didn't live hope then you were a fraud. i was only there for a year but it was the beginning of a new kind of path, the beginning of different dreams and the start of my very long courtship with the homeless.

i went from friends of youth to working with homeless adults at the church council of greater seattle and then to quest community development where we began developing an outreach program for homeless people in need of basic resources and someone to point them to resources like housing, shelter and so on... basically my point is that the experience i had at friends of youth started me on a path of advocacy for the homeless. it started me asking questions: like how can we devleop more opportunities? what does the barrier look like for someone who is trying to leave homelessness permanently? what are the root reasons for homelessness from a societal perspective to personal story and individual choice? and on some level i feel plagued because i realize that the mental and emotional health care that so many are able to receive in the US is unaccessible to a great many who need it desperately. how can we as practitioners make our services accessible among the low-income and homeless men, women and children in our communities? i know there are many great organizations that provide case management and there are public mental health centers but that still leaves people out who are in need of specialized services and support.

as a practitioner myself i don't feel it would be in good conscience for me to just set up a practice only targeting middle class americans and abandon the needs of so many that need this service in order to leave the cycle and roots of homelessness or poverty that they are living in. it is an essential part of the process of providing holistic care for people. we can help men, women and children in transitioning out of transitional housing or shelter to get into programs for permanent housing and stable jobs but how will they keep those things if they are still living with pasts that bear memories of abuse or addiction or mental health problems. i worked with a woman for years who lived in our transitional housing program through Self-Managed Housing and she kept finding herself back in the same cycle of homelessness to a short bout of housing to back to being homeless. at one point when i was working with her she was experiencing such great depression and anxiety that she locked herself in her room for days without ever coming out. other women in the house were concerned and drew my attention to it. i started meeting with her weekly and the thing i found as the primary barrier to her being able to maintain a job or a home was this great level of depression, anxiety and paranoia. the roots of this depression, anxiety and paranoia was the memory of sexual abuse that she had experienced in her family which led her to run a way and live on the streets a way from the abuse of her home. she was in desperate need of therapy, yet she couldn't afford it. she was weary of public mental health because she'd been dragged through a system that she was only allowed to be a part of as long as she could prove her instability through psych evaluations. it because a vicious cycle which only led her back to homelessness, despair and desperation.

it is stories like these that haunt me and compel me to ask the counseling community what more can be done? sliding scales are a start but what more can be done in order to help people in need who are great candidates for therapy and who do not have the means to pay?

having just started a private practice myself i am very aware of the traditional model. however, i am working on a dream and vision to hopefully bridge a gap in the way that we practice and to broaden the gap to incorporate a broader population in our work. i am hoping to start a network where counselors can be working together to provide services as an act of justice and compassion in our communities. through this network we could be creating a model that i like to call: community exchange. in a nutshell, services would be provided in exchange for an agreed upon fee arrangement or pro-bono for community service. in other words, clients in positions where they do not have the financial means to pay a therapist the regular fee would commit to donating their time and resources to an organization of their choice, volunteering their time back into the community. i think this is a wonderful therapeutic model-- not only is the therapist giving service to the client sitting across from them but the client is giving back to the community, re-engaging with the community and finding new vigor in their passions-- this is therapy. our jobs as counselors are to be to help people re-engage with themselves and with others in healthier, life-giving ways.

hope... not blind optimism

i am currently reading a book by peter j. gomes entitles, 'the scandalous gospel of jesus'. in this book gomes says, 'dietrich bonhoeffer once warned against cheap grace, and i warn now against cheap hope. hope is not merely the optimistic view that somehow everything will turn out all right in the end if everyone just does as we do. hope is the more rugged, the more muscular view that even if things don't turn out all right and aren't all right, we endure through and beyond the times that disappoint or threaten to destroy us'.

a very strong point that gomes makes is by asking the question: how do we live in the world while not conforming to the world? its a hard question to ask much less answer in the space of history we now reside. especially as we look at our political climate and the way in which religion always seems to be in the mix of politics not really for the reason of sharing the gospel but more for how religiosity can sway a certain kind of vote. so what is faith and politics supposed to look like?

i know that my faith strongly influences my choices especially in the arena of politics and not always for all the same reasons it influences other christians, but today i stand extremely excited about the results of the iowa caucus. seeing obama take the lead with 38% of the support is very encouraging indeed. i am excited to hear about someone who is ready to tackle the issues of affordable health care, the war on iraq and other issues that have been skirted around for some time. but mostly what i heard in obama's speech is this idea of hope not blind optimism where people come together to work towards a just end. that is something i can get on board with... you got me obama. i have hope.

Dear Friends,

This is an announcement to inform you that I am starting a new private practice in the Greenlake area. I want to invite you to check out the new website and feel free to utilize it as a tool to refer contacts that you might know who are looking for a counselor in the Seattle area. Thank you for your support.

Happy New Year!!

DeAnza

new website:
www.deanzaspauldingcounseling.com

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of busyness for me… It seems when I pass through one busy season I seem to naively think that the next season will be much slower paced. It’s not long after that thought crosses my mind that I’m jolted into reality and in the passage from one season to the next I realize that the pace remains very much the same as the season before. After 5 years of this constant moving pace I’m really ready to take a break, to rest, to reflect and to meditate on that which God has done in my life, to look at how he has been present in every aspect of life, and enjoy all that He has gifted my life with (i.e. my husband, my daughter, my close friendships). Yet, I know that sometimes those moments have to be taken and a need to shut out all the outside voices, agendas and expectations must be employed. Unfortunately, for me I don’t always recognize it until I’m at my weakest and most fragile state. God’s grace and mercy is such that he continues to invite me in even when I ignore the prodding of the Holy Spirit.

This past week the To the Streets ministry has been preparing for the Thanksgiving Dinner we are hosting for the homeless community on Saturday. There were a lot of small details and coordination that need to be attended to and I am thankful because so many responded to the need and stepped up to volunteer. For me as the primary leader my mind was swimming with thoughts about turkeys and potatoes and runs to Costco and grocery bags of food and coordinating volunteers and so on… It is all this busy work that invades my mind. Now the reason I was a little more anxious then normal is that while I was simultaneously trying to mentally prepare and coordinate all the pieces for the dinner while also sitting in an ordination class this week from 9 in the morning until 9 in the night. Now ultimately I know that everything will fall into place but in actuality I feel pulled mentally and physically in several different directions. With that said, most of my time in the class has found my mind wandering all over the place—in and out of the classroom into the realm of turkeys and centerpieces and back. It has been a very disjointed experience, but God reached beyond my ADD, grabbed my attention and brought me back into the fold of his Spirit.

It was difficult to stay in the class every night until 9 knowing that I had a ton of things to do in the office with a gracious attitude and, although gentle, the Holy Spirit brought conviction to my heart to remain present and steadfast to this place that he had me. One of the last nights I went to a segment of the class which was a worship setting with great reluctance. Some of the students in the class prepared and planned the worship service so there was a desire on my part to honor their efforts, but in all honestly I wanted to go home. I wanted to get back to the office to take care of a few things knowing that the following day I’d need to leave the house at 7:30 am to be back for the final session of the class. Little did I know that the Spirit had different plans for me at the service. I was pleasantly surprised. It was a quaint, simple yet beautiful service setting. The setting--a small circle with the cross, communion feast, candlelight as the centerpiece and the people facing each other in this circle. It was an extremely intimate and vulnerable setting. We were asked to reflect and share on the following questions: Who are you? What are you leaving behind? What are you becoming? This is my answer that I pondered and wrestled over for some time:

I have felt for so long that I have been in transition and influx. I don’t feel like I can rest or relax or trust. I feel constantly bombarded by things that are worldly or material. I feel unsettled in who I am and I wonder what is my purpose. I question what is my call and where does God want me. I struggle with where I am at in every aspect of my world—from ministry to family. I am unsure. I am hesitant and I wonder how others perceive me and all this brings me great restlessness. At the core, I want to believe and I want to trust and I want to know without doubt or shame that God is for me, but I face so many emotional demons and I hold myself at a distance from God. So I guess I’d say is that I am a woman in transition—still being transformed and renewed by God’s unconditional love. I don’t understand it. I can’t comprehend it, but even in my questions, my struggles, my uncertainties I know that it exists and remains a constant in my life.

I am leaving behind: control. You see in the midst of all this anxiety of the unknown— the unknown of my present and the stepping out into my future I think that somehow, in some way I can change my circumstances. I can make things better. I can rely on only me. So in facing who I am I realize that I am forced to let go of an idol of self preservation and the need to keep things so tightly held in my hands.

What am I becoming? I am becoming a woman who rests. I am becoming a woman who doesn’t apologize for who I am or explain a way all of my thoughts, feelings and convictions but rests and is assured that for whatever reason God made me. He made me in his image and he is delighted in that work. That is a truth I can rest in. That is a reminder that I can lean on in God. That is confirmation that I don’t have to be ashamed that I am weak but instead remember it is in Him where I am made strong.

11 years and counting...

June 29, 2007 marks our 11 year anniversary. Wow! How the time flies! Just 11 short years ago Frank and I shared vows and covenanted the rest of our lives to one another. I look back at these eleven years and I am completely humbled and moved and reminded of the significant exchange of commitment we made to each other that day.

I can't say that the last 11 years have been smooth sailing... It has come with its fair share of ups and downs. The time has had its toll on our relationship. From wedding day to graduate school to small stint in Navy to parenting to more life transitions and so on... Yes, we've shared life's joys and life's sorrows-- together. I think that is why it makes life all the more doable! Because we have weathered so much together. On the other hand, I am reminded that marriage is not easy. It is the deepest, most significant and most difficult calls of life. The 11 years have reminded me of that... and that reminder keeps me humble and helps me to remember that we still have to make the space for love, care, and strength to be cultivated in our relationship. Even after 11 years it is not just second nature for us to give sacrificially to one another-- it is an act that we have to continue to seek after and walk carefully in faith.

This blog entry is really a tribute to my husband. I am a lucky woman to have Frank as my husband. We have had tremendously difficult times in life and my husband has continued to stay consistent in offering hope amidst all of it. I am also a pastor, a counselor amongst other things and those are not easy roles not only for myself but mostly not easy on Frank and my family. Most people don't see the tireless way in which he supports me-- even when I am weary, frustrated, unavailable, busy, demanded of, irritable and ungracious. He continues to fight for me like no one ever has ever done in my life. I deeply appreciate his patience and diligence in seeing beyond my flaws and seeing the potential I embody. So as I reflect on 11 wonderfully full years I remember today that where I am today is in large part due to the support, care, and faithful love I have received from my husband. I am looking forward to the next eleven years with Frank with awe, anticipation and wonder.

I'm sick of Paris.

Seriously, the media coverage on the saga of Paris Hilton and her impending jail time is really annoying to me and a huge waste of time. It looks like that although for so long we've sent the message-- if you have money and you're an important person by celebrity standards you can do anything you want and get a way with it-- Paris will not slide under the radar without paying her dues and consequences by serving time in jail behind bars. I am so glad that in this case the judge ordered her to come back and spend her time in jail. I really have no sympathy or compassion for her situation. Maybe that seems calloused of me, but I really don't care. I think that any time someone decides to be irresponsible and step behind a wheel after drinking and gets caught the consequences must be severe.

Last year a friend of ours got drunk at the local bar in small town USA. He got behind the wheel at about 2:00 am with a woman friend in the passenger seat. Approximately 10 minutes later he wrapped his car around a semi-truck that was parked along the side of the freeway entrance. When the EMT's arrived at the scene the passenger of our friend's vehicle was already dead. Meanwhile he was air lifted to Harborview where he spent the next week in critical condition and on life support. During that week his family was at his side. His two young sons, ages 23 and 21 and 12 year old daughter were there to watch as the doctors declared there was no more to be done and removed him from life support system.

To this day I still struggle to reconcile that situation in my mind. I struggle to find grace and forgiveness for something that was completely preventable. This man, our friend had served on worship team, the leadership team and as an elder in our previous church. He had a young family who still needed the guidance and presence of their father. I especially think of his 12 year old daughter who will spend the rest of her years without the nurture of her father in her life. And this is the legacy he left behind. Their last memory of him would be this irresponsible act that took two lives.

Recently another close friend of mine got a DUI. He was sent to jail. After being released he was bogged down with the inconvenience of more court appearances and alcohol assessments and feeling discouraged and annoyed he was having difficulty not feeling like the system was too tough on him. I had the privilege of telling him how completely blessed he was-- that amidst the running around from one court room to another class to another parole officer, etc. he was completely blessed. "You see", I said, "you get to walk a way this time. You get to WALK. No one was hurt or killed. You get to walk. God's blessing is upon you and you get the chance to turn it around right now and change". Yeah, not the most exciting thing to hear when you're discouraged and annoyed, but that is the truth-- God blesses us by opening our eyes to make the appropriate changes in order to be the best stewards with the gifts he's given us.

All that to say, I think we all make dumb choices with the thought that it won't hurt anyone and only we will know about it so it's no big deal and that even includes grossly irresponsible acts such as drinking and driving. Yet, God keeps giving second chances, ones I hope we will grab on to in order to use all that we are and all that we have to bring glory and blessing. My friend who died doesn't get that second chance but I hope to learn from his story and share it that it might help us all to be responsible in all that we do.

here goes...

After many months and many long night meetings and different conversations about ideas and theories about a merger between Quest and Interbay church-- here it is this Sunday, June 3rd our first service together as one church. It is an exciting time for the Quest community. We are gaining so much in depth from our brothers and sisters at Interbay. As a pastor at Quest church, I have been completely humbled by this tremendous gift and sacrifice by our brothers and sisters next door. They are giving much in order to further the kingdom of God. They are giving themselves completely to God's spirit as they trust that their vision to be a community who 'sends' others out for the gospel will remain alive and thriving among men and women they are finally getting to know after all these years. It is amazing!!

On Sunday, we had a service time (one which we have about 1-2 times a year) to allow the larger congregation to share their scripture and encouragement to their community in hopes of cultivating a culture of blessing each other through our words, thoughts, insights-- those things that God lays upon our hearts. It was a wonderful time and beautiful time to hear from so many as they expressed their struggles, their passions, their desire to follow God.

What came to mind for me as we prepare our hearts for the merging of two bodies coming together as one was given to me in the scripture: Ephesians 4:1-7.
It reads:
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit-- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call-- one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

This Sunday was the last Sunday for Quest-- as we've known it. We will be changing our space, joining in community with another church and as a result let's face it we will change as a community. And although the change is a good one-- it is a change and one that deserves to be marked, remembered, and moved through in grace and faith. I am reminded that Quest although diverse in many ways-- we will become that much more diverse in the merging of these different bodies.

As we have prepared to the best of our human abilities through the LT, church forums, membership meetings and transitional team I think in the back of our minds we still wonder how will this work-- we are different. Our stories, our experiences, our ideas well they are different so when the rubber meets the road what will this look like in the end?

I remember my first ordination class (called Theological Distinctives) in Denver. The instructors had us stand up introduce ourselves and share our church background. As people shared I began to realize that the ECC is a diverse denomination of people from all kinds of different church backgrounds. There were people who were traditionally Pentecostal, Baptist, Episcoplian, Presbyterian and more... And in the back of my mind I wondered how does this work that people who are so different can come together to serve together as one church. And then I learned that in the ECC's theological distinctives that at the heart of their beliefs was: unity in Christ. Unity in Christ-- what freedom! No matter where we fell in our beliefs on the administration of sacraments, whether we were believers of infant baptism or believer baptism, how we felt about women in leadership-- at the heart of it all there was freedom because we believe we are one in Christ and that is what binds us one to another.

And this word applies to us (Quest Church and Interbay)-- that although different in history, stories, experiences and backgrounds-- we are in fact bound together because of what Christ has done for us on the cross. It is that grace-- that love-- that mercy that makes us one. Our missions, our visions, our agendas are not what make us a church it is in fact, the work of Christ. We are united with him, in him and together as one.