The Cutest Girl in the World! This was when Isabelle was about 6 months old. 

Reconciling with God

This past Sunday Eugene preached on forgiveness and reconciliation. Not an easy topic to swallow, as I think it resonates with every human soul: we have all been trespassers and we have all been trespassed against. And the residue that remains after being hurt or hurting can be a challenge to reconcile.

It's truly a miracle when people's relationships are restored, because both hearts have to be willing at the same time to be healed and brought back together. I've always admired my father's hopefulness, because he believes any couple or any two people should be able to reconcile if they are both willing. And I think that is true. The problem is that a lot of times both people are not willing at the same time.

Growing up I was trained to believe that forgiveness and reconciliation is about forgetting the trespasses and moving on as if nothing took place to require the reconciliatory act. And now after much thought and reflection I think that reconciliation is not so much about forgetting, or mending a relationship or maintaining dialogue with another person, but it is about the peace that can come from forgiving someones' trespasses, forgiving your own trespasses and receivng the forgiveness of God. The reality is that even when you've been forgiven or when you forgive it doesn't mean that a relationship will continue.

This year has been a year coming to a crossroads of forgiveness in my heart. And although I felt for so long that I couldn't forgive because I wanted justice-- I realized that the justice I wanted was really retribution which is rather unjust. And if I could forgive I could be led into the beautiful journey of grieving an amazing friend and sister. We prepare ourselves for a loss in death or relocation, but when a loss is accompanied by hurtful trespasses we forget the beautiful gifts that were once shared-- those gifts were shared for a purpose even if only for a time.

I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting these past few days. I just read my friends' blog who is living in Korea. She's staying there and taking a position at a university where she'll get to teach some of her core passions. I feel very proud of her. It's strange how God calls us to different places in our lives... sometimes it feels like we just tumbled into it and other times the path seems so clear cut.

In my reflections, i'd been kind of reading some of my old entries. I had forgotten all the things i'd pondered over in the past. And it was nice to connect with some old memories and remember the different ways in which God has spoken to me throughout the years. Now that i'm 32 the struggle of life is very different than that of my 20's. In my 20's my deepest struggle was my insecurity and uncertainty of who I was and what my purpose was. I do not miss those days: constantly second guessing myself, constantly wondering if my next move was the right one, never really understanding the gifts that God had given me, not really understanding the call or if there was a call on my life. I've read articles of women who are older than me who have said that as they've gotten older that the struggle with themselves has gotten better and that they were much kinder to themselves...even liked themselves as they began to age, change and mature. Ironic? In a time, where everyone is clinging to keep there youth. But in my journey i'm finding that to be true. I am proud of the woman that God has created in me and that is a battle i'm so glad to have some peace about. In your 20's you have this sense that you can take on anything: do anything!! The world is an entire adventure... In my 30's I am much more realistic about what I can really do, but unfortunately sometimes that comes with increasing growth in cynicism and skepticism and distrust. And that is the new battle: fighting from letting my heart grow cold, hardened and encrusted or allowing myself to become to settled. I entitled this blog, "Created for More". Because that was the theme of my 20's for so long... trying to figure out what i've been created for and knowing that I hadn't quite found it yet... Good news! Today I have a deeper understanding of why I was created and a deeper appreciation for the way that God has uniquely made me.

 


Here are some favorite pictures that I have of Isabelle. 

 
 

Starting Fresh

I have a really hard time thinking of things to blog. I always think that my entries need to be deep and insightful... unfortunately I don't always have deep and insightful thoughts-- most of the time, but not always ;). So I just don't write anything. I'd like my friends to start coming back and visiting my blog and at this point they have no reason to, because there is never anything new to look at. So I decided it's time to start fresh and to just share my life as complex or simple as it seems.

I feel like i've been in a cave for the last two years. It's been a pretty dark time in my life, but today with the sun shining I am hopeful and feel refreshed as the sun washes over all my meloncholy. I pray for a new perspective and outlook from this day on out. One that helps me to focus on what is important in life, to let go of past hurts and regrets and to feel a very strong sense of God's redemption and hope.

My beautiful daughter will be turning two next month. Although the past two years have been difficult; these past two years have brought me some of the deepest joys through watching my daughter grow. It's easy to take advantage of all those little moments. Having a relationship with her has taught me so much about myself and I pray that I can always see her for who she is and all her potential. She is such a beautiful girl with so much life and enthusiasm. I'm thankful that God has given me the gift to share her life with her.

A week and a half ago, a homeless man that we'd worked with this past year was found on fire. He was taken to the Harborview Medical Center where he died. 90% of his body suffered burns. Tomorrow night we are having a memorial service for him... We've invited his friends... we're going to have a nice service and a meal following. I'm thankful that the community is responding so compassionately and generously. I pray that most of all God goes before us. Who knows what will take place with these men and women. I'm certain that all are searching and seeking something beyond their daily existence, but who know what that might be. I pray we're prepared to comfort, to listen and to extend God's grace and mercy. I pray that my heart is changed as I see each man and woman as an image of God and less as an opportunity to 'save'. I pray that Carlos is not forgotten, but that his life would be used to inspire us to do more to protect the vulnerbility of each man, woman and child on the streets.