Can we ever know God's goodness? Or do we just have to have faith and believe that He is good?

This has been an ongoing conversation in my C group for months. It seems that we all are in different areas as we dialogue about God's goodness. And it has been a place where I have wrestled time and time again. But when it comes down to it... I'm tired. My wrestling is my unwillingness to surrender to God's grace. You see, I've come to a place where I just have to have faith that God is good... That he is just... That he is sovereign. Once I surrender in faith I realize that the evidence of God's goodness is evident in my life: The hope of my salvation. Could I even be blogging about this matter if he wasn't good? Could I even contemplate his goodness if he didn't make himself present in my life?

But that doesn't mean that I blindly just say, 'God is Good'. Because let's face it suffering exists... In light of suffering, we question where God's goodness exists? So i've been contemplating the weight sin has on suffering. Talking with a friend about this, she said that God's goodness is not something we can comprehend. In fact many mystics, only refer to what God is not, as opposed to what God is. Which raised the question: if we say what God is not 'something' aren't we also saying the opposite: what he is. For example, if we say God is not merciful... aren't we in turn saying God is merciful?

As brought up in C group, God made us with free will... is this part of his goodness? I am glad to be able to make choices, but as a result do I not have responsibilty for the sin I choose and if I choose sin why does that negate God's goodness in my mind? Shouldn't that only underline my weakness? Which brings up the question: Why do innocent people face immense suffering? And this brings me to the idea of residual sin or generational sin. In I Kings Solomon commited many sins: had multiple wives outside of his race, attempted murder, worshiped idols and the list continues. But the consequences of his sin are paid by his sons. God says, "I will not take the whole kingdom our of Solomon's hand... I will take the kingdom out of his son's hands..." My point is that even if we choose not to sin (see post 6/8/2003), as we do have the ability to choose never to sin... we will always face the consequences of sin because of the falleness of our world and due to past sins of our fore fathers and mothers.

In the end, I realize that I must believe in God's goodness and be ready to see the evidence of His goodness daily. I am so blessed as I see him reveal himself to me through my husband's comforting arms, the women who pray for me, my friend who inspires me to seek wisdom, my community, my pastor who is always raising the bar for me to become more... In this, I can not deny his goodness. And sometimes my resistence is in realizing his goodness is too good for my disdained soul. I must receive his grace so that in His strength I can in turn give it.

Last night I watched a documentary on Cambodia. The film documented the turmoil that Cambodia has faced, particularly in the 70's. The story was told by a man, a flute player who was about 12 when the Khemer Rouge took over and seperated him from his family. He gives an account of the horror that this people faced. Two million people were killed over a course of four years when the Khemer Rouge took over. People were seperated from their families, made to work from 4 am to 12 am every day. People starved to death. Some were tortured. While others were murdered. This man, this flute player went back to Cambodia to try to revive the culture and arts of his people through music. And the pain that he went through is unimaginable. His work is to inspire others to leave a legacy behind-- to be remembered for their culture rather than their killing fields.

Which brings me to this place: I am ashamed that I am so self-absorbed. I am ashamed that I see my struggle as suffering in light of others starving and dying in other parts of the world. I'm ashamed that I take for granted my 'priveledge'... my 'blessing' by not recognizing it... I think that I know pain...

I pray that my heart will be changed to be compassionate... to fight for justice... to love the broken... to feed the poor... to be humbled.

I spoke with a friend about the previous post about desire and isolation and she brought up a good thought about having a harder time staying engaged in relationship when the 'other' shows her goodness. Thus, bringing me to this post: the paradox of dignity and depravity.

In C group someone said that he would prefer to earn his salvation rather than it be a gift through grace. Why is grace and unconditional love so hard for us to receive? As Christians our whole theology is based on grace, and yet we are so unwilling to receive. I say 'unwilling' because I really think that it is a way for us to maintain 'control' of our existence. If we can control-- we don't need to die to ourselves. Which I think is the greatest sin... not dieing to self and staying in control. Our depravity is that we want to do 'this' apart from God. And the pull between his dignity and our sin maintains our constant chaos. We want forgiveness... we don't want grace... we want salvation... we want to earn it... we want we want we want-- I want! And the cycle continues... In C group our leader talked about coming to a place where we can choose not to sin... and the only way that we can choose not to sin is to die to self and rely on Christ.

Relationship is key to this dynamic. As relationship provides us with a mirror of ourselves. We are subjective beings. In relationship the 'other' shows us how we sin and fail both directly and indirectly. Frank and I have struggled in our marriage. I used to think that if I did this, this and this we would have a perfect marriage-- free of struggle and pain. Then I realized that Frank is the one I struggle with most-- the one I feel the most pain with because it is relationship with him where I live out my depravity. You see, I do this in all relationships but with Frank I can't hide. Relationship is humbling... it mirrors our weakness...

I experienced some pain in the context of a group that I go to. I felt unseen, unheard, unexperienced and uncared for... my instinct is to hide... run... flee... (fight or flight) so I left and on my drive home as I was crying out I realized that God has called me to relationship regardless if people see me, hear me, care for me, etc. I realized that Jesus experienced this relational element of pain. In the garden of Gethsethme those that claimed to love him fell asleep... His last night on this earth... they fell asleep on him. Christ just handled his pain much better than I ever do-- giving himself over and dying on a cross. I handle it by retaliating and making others pay. I realized it's time to grow up, humble myself and stay in relationship. And when grace is too good for me to recieve (in my perception) I must recognize that in faith I must believe that there's not a damn thing I can do to earn it. I must surrender myself to the goodness of God that I may become less and He become more.

Taking action!

Previously I posted about our responsibility to advocate on behalf of others. Well, now we have an opportunity to put our efforts together to help those in Burma.

Things are worse than my previous post. The regime is systematically killing leaders of the National League of Democracy.
Please read the material below. Get involved. Our prayers and our action is needed.

Excerpts from Democratic Voice of Burma, June 4, 2003

1. According to the sources closed to the military, Northwestern
military command informed to the department of prisons that 32 criminal
prisoners, who were taken by the northwestern military command on May 25 for
military operation, died during their assignment. DVB assumed that these
criminal prisoners were used to attack Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and her entourage
on May 30, 2003 with the promise of cash rewards and freedom, by the
military.
DVB also assumed that they were killed by the military to cover up the
whole incident.

2. Thein Oo and Soe Win, both are officer in-charge of the NLD
headquarter, were arrested yesterday night, by the military.

3. NLD's Moe Goat township committee members were arrested yesterday.

4. U Saw Khin, MP elect from Myin Gyan township and who accompanied
with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was seriously injured during the attack. He is in
Mon Ywar hospital, but not allowed to meet with anyone.

5. U Tin Aung, MP elect from North-Western Mandalay and who
accompanied with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, was assumed to be dead. His family conducted
the funeral yesterday.

6. The regime continues to arrest members of the NLD nationwide. Many
people are in hiding.

Suu Kyi 'injured in violent protests'

How to get involved:
"Today Senator McConnell and Congressman Lantos introduced
major legislation on Burma, and tomorrow we will launch an all-out effort
to get as many members of Congress as possible on board.
Please do everything in your power to help. Get your members of
Congress on board, send checks or make donations online, and call and tell your
friends. It's time to do our part. Working together, we can."

To all the lovely peeps who visit my site: the comment section is working! Yeah! Please engage me in a dialogue. I am so blessed to be inspired by you to be more than I ever dreamed.

Today's Entry: Living in Community
We live in a juxtaposition. A juxtaposition of desire and isolation.

Desire: a component of the human condition which compells us to seek out connection with God and others.
In Genesis, we are reminded that we were created for relationship. First, with God. Then, with others.

Isolation: A perpetuation in society to live on our own and depend on ourselves. And a risk-free way to ensure comfort when one is not pursued, understood, desired, heard, and seen.

This past week I've been thinking about the tension between both. How do we stay present while battling the temptation to run/hide? We live in a society where we value immediate gratification, consumerism, and independence. Our technological advances have instilled in us the attitude and behavior to rely on ourselves-- keeping us from community and the need of relationship. Thus, buffering the pain of disconnection and rejection. Now I think it is interesting to look at the relationship between both: desire and isolation. How do they work together and against each other? Living in a world where isolation and independence is encouraged: how do we handle desire? The distraction of self-consumption numbs us. Thus, killing desire.

I've been particularly looking at this because i've been thinking about the community I have been so graciously gifted with. How in my desire to know others: I find myself easily disappointed and willing to give up. One thing struck me this week as I started thinking about community, our society, behaviors, and sociological norms that we easily adopt as our definition of human existence and human interaction. Community/ relationship is intended because it provides a mirror of our relationship with God. I find this to be so true in my relationship with my husband. But on some level in every relationship we are reflection for each other. We are a reflection of our need for God, our failure to God, our humility to God, our pride and rebellion of God and so on. And it is in our community where we find our true need to seek grace so that we can in turn give grace. Because in all our sin against others it is only grace which can bring us redemption.

It is in community where we provide tangible evidence of service and response. In fact, time after time in the Bible you see that Christ teaches and provides examples in community. Community does not just provide us with an audience. It provides a venue where we can authentically respond to God's goodness.

Our murder of desire, our isolation of authentic connection with others and with God is a response. A response that can only please the self and ultimately kill our very souls. Our challenge is to live in the tension of both. To live well. And to struggle with God's goodness in light of our darkness.

Pray for Burma.

Pray for Aung San Su Kyi: Leader of the National League for Democracy

Please check out the Human Rights Watch web page at www.hrw.org. This past week Aung San Su Kyi and 17 other NLD leaders were taken into custody by the dictatorship military regime in Burma. Aung San is a peace activist and believes in opposition with non-violence. This past week supporters and protesters of the National League for Democracy were travelling and peacefully protesting against the regime-- when the regime opened fire-- killing approximately 70 people and injuring many more. The regime took Aung San into custody (she suffers a head injury) with several others. The UN has asked for her safe release and the opportunity to speak with her. The regime says 'no', but states that it is for her safety and assure the UN that she is well.

Please pray for resolution for the Burmese people. They have lived under oppression, poverty, slave labor, child labor, starvation, lack of medical supplies, torture and for many death.

There is a local non-profit agency called World Aid. They are located in Ballard. World Aid is founded by a Burmese man. There mission is to send resources to Burma to help the internally displaced refugees.

I was able to enjoy a much needed three-day weekend. Frank and I went away overnight to Vancouver, B.C. It was so nice to get away and connect with my husband. It gave us the opportunity to dream together. Frank the philosopher and me the existential narrative therapist-- makes for an interesting and lively conversation.

Getting into Vancouver was interesting and frustrating, to say the least. We both had our birth certificates and photo ID so we felt ready to go, but when we got to the border we realized that Frank had changed his last name and didn't have the proper paperwork to show his name change. So we we're questioned and then finally told to go to the immigration office. I think we we're both feeling very anxious and for others this may be a routine check, but for us it felt intrusive-- like we had to prove who we are and what we are doing. Well... after a bit of time we were let in, but for the longest time I felt so much anger. The experience brought up so much frustration and tension and I didn't like being treated like I was under suspicion. It was humiliating. And as I fumed I started thinking about those that are underpriveledged... those who have no voice... those that are constantly under suspicion because of the color of their skin or their religious orientation or their sexual orientation.

But I don't want to just rant and rave about the injustice of life. I'd rather be pulled to move in compassion for those who are unable to respond to such struggles. I want my personal frustration, anger, and pain to fuel my work for others. As others journey through their reality of unjust moments... I want to be there to guide, comfort, and discern. My rants... my raves should never be left to stew on their own... On the other hand, they should be used in grace to journey with others. My story is never my own... it's for the greater good. It is an extension of the grace i've been given. Lately, i've continued to write about this enlightened experience in my life-- the recognition of my call. It has been an integral part in my journey... it has been liberating and freeing to see that I have been called to work on behalf of others.

As Christians, we have a reponsibility to respond to the 'unjust acts' around us. We have a responsibility to advocate for those who are displaced, marginalized, discriminated against.... We must remember the widow, the orphan, the oppressed... Isaiah 17 says, "Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow". We must be commited to seeking justice, because those who are fatherless, widowed, and oppressed are all around us. They are our neighbors, our friends, our family, members of our community... We must be seekers of love and humility so that our weapons against injustice are grounded in grace.

Each day I am reminded that 'The free must remember the forgotten'. (Author Unknown)