Finding comfort: Finding God.
Life continues. Whether I participate in it or not. It continues to roll right by. When I'm particularly reflective or a bit meloncholy I find myself searching for space. A space to be comforted. I pray, "O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice" (Psalm 141:1-2). I do pray that He will come quickly. I pray that He'll give me peace, comfort and rest.
I've realized that I haven't made the time for quiet. Life continues to pass and I keep moving with it. When I was in seminary I took a class around spirituality. One of the requirements was that as a class we had to spend a day of silence at a monastary. There was about fifty of us that attended this day of silence. I found in myself the inability to silence my mind, my heart, my inner being. I prayed for this day of rest--this day of quiet and yet, I found that I could physically silence myself but I could not emotionally or spiritually sit in peace. This seems to be my perpetual existence. When will I rest? When will I find comfort or peace?
A portion of my unrest comes from a place where I am scratching to get God to see. I'm scratching to get him to find something in me-- something good, a redeemable quality. In my unrest, I fail to see that it is out of my hands. It is my faith that must sustain me-- my faith that God is God. God is good. God has provided redemption. It is in Him that I am saved. All my attempts to redeem myself are meaningless. Solomon says that everything is meaningless. All our toil is meaningless, because He is who He says He is. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God".
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Finding contentment.
In this western society it seems people are less and less content in life. Our motivations are fueled by our need to consume. Thus, leaving us in a state of discontent and in a constant need to search. We can never consume enough. The consumption only statisfies for a time-- propelling us to consume more or to feel discouraged by the lack of satisfaction. How do Christians live by this standard? And what are the implications, when we have a God who should fill the void?
Is it God not filling the void? Or is it that he doesn't always fill 'it' (the void) like we think he should? Or is it a combination of both? Do we not allow God to fill the void?
Is the void a constant state of reality, because we are fallen, sinful, broken people? Or is it our inability to accept that Christ's sacrifice is sufficient enough for our sin?
I sat with a client this week and we talked about his housing options. He is a homeless man. He temporarily lives in transitional housing and his time is coming to an end. My job is to help him find a place so that he doesn't end up back on the streets. In reviewing his options the opportunities looked bleak. And as I felt myself beginning to feel hopeless he said, 'It's not in my hands. Something will come up. He brought me this far and I don't expect that he'll let me down now.' He shared that he had been living on the street for 2 years and finally he said, 'I've had it God. Something has to change... either you bring something to me or i'll end up in prison, killing myself, or shot by someone else'. Two days later he found a job placement program and through that program found housing. He has peace even though he has nothing -- materially. He has his faith. Listening, I felt humbled. I don't have peace and I fight to keep it all in my hands. My faith is weak and waivering. It is easily swayed by this and that. When will I be content in the goodness of God's gift?
In this western society it seems people are less and less content in life. Our motivations are fueled by our need to consume. Thus, leaving us in a state of discontent and in a constant need to search. We can never consume enough. The consumption only statisfies for a time-- propelling us to consume more or to feel discouraged by the lack of satisfaction. How do Christians live by this standard? And what are the implications, when we have a God who should fill the void?
Is it God not filling the void? Or is it that he doesn't always fill 'it' (the void) like we think he should? Or is it a combination of both? Do we not allow God to fill the void?
Is the void a constant state of reality, because we are fallen, sinful, broken people? Or is it our inability to accept that Christ's sacrifice is sufficient enough for our sin?
I sat with a client this week and we talked about his housing options. He is a homeless man. He temporarily lives in transitional housing and his time is coming to an end. My job is to help him find a place so that he doesn't end up back on the streets. In reviewing his options the opportunities looked bleak. And as I felt myself beginning to feel hopeless he said, 'It's not in my hands. Something will come up. He brought me this far and I don't expect that he'll let me down now.' He shared that he had been living on the street for 2 years and finally he said, 'I've had it God. Something has to change... either you bring something to me or i'll end up in prison, killing myself, or shot by someone else'. Two days later he found a job placement program and through that program found housing. He has peace even though he has nothing -- materially. He has his faith. Listening, I felt humbled. I don't have peace and I fight to keep it all in my hands. My faith is weak and waivering. It is easily swayed by this and that. When will I be content in the goodness of God's gift?
Monday, May 12, 2003
Defending mine own when it is not mine to defend.
Everybody thinks that they know what is 'truth'. People define their truth based on their experience, creating a subjective reality and when another claims that there is another truth we feel the need to defend our previously defined 'truth'. C.S. Lewis calls this 'The Law of Decent Behaviour'. I believe that 'the law' is a subjective reality. For instance, how we define decent is different for every one. Frank (my husband) thinks that it is completely indecent to call people after 9 pm. I, on the other hand, have no problem with calling people at midnight. Our laws sometimes conflict when I feel the need to call someone late at night and Frank shares that I should wait til morning. Immediately I feel defensive because I interpret his caution as saying that I am insensitive, bad, etc. My 'truth' is put into question when Frank cautions me of the time. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to defend ourselves? It is a natural instinct to defend. Defense is not always wrong. But when it severs relationship-- it may need to be re-examined.
As Christ went to the cross, at no point did he feel that he needed to defend his position. He knew 'truth'. He was 'truth' and he did not try to convince others to believe him. He willingly went to the cross. I realize that I am never willing to go. I'm willing to go if the circumstances are right. I'm willing to go if I can be reassured that people will acknowledge me and I will be safe. I'm willing to go when I am in the right frame of mind. I am never willing to go in sacrifice of myself. I realize that my defense is the unwillingness to trust that God is God. That 'truth' is 'truth' without my defense. My arrogance keeps me from deeply experiencing the humble nature of Christ, because I am too fixed on my next defense. Thus, leaving me in suspicion of God and others. This 'truth' is not mine to defend. It doesn't need a defense, because grace never asks to be defended. Grace gives without protection and it is misunderstood daily. My 'truth' is an extention of the greater 'truth'. A bit skewed and sometimes misinterpreting the bigger meaning. And because of my human fallacies, my 'truth' is not mine to defend either. My 'truth' must always remember grace-- and be ready to give it without understanding, protection, or solitude.
Everybody thinks that they know what is 'truth'. People define their truth based on their experience, creating a subjective reality and when another claims that there is another truth we feel the need to defend our previously defined 'truth'. C.S. Lewis calls this 'The Law of Decent Behaviour'. I believe that 'the law' is a subjective reality. For instance, how we define decent is different for every one. Frank (my husband) thinks that it is completely indecent to call people after 9 pm. I, on the other hand, have no problem with calling people at midnight. Our laws sometimes conflict when I feel the need to call someone late at night and Frank shares that I should wait til morning. Immediately I feel defensive because I interpret his caution as saying that I am insensitive, bad, etc. My 'truth' is put into question when Frank cautions me of the time. Why is that? Why do we feel the need to defend ourselves? It is a natural instinct to defend. Defense is not always wrong. But when it severs relationship-- it may need to be re-examined.
As Christ went to the cross, at no point did he feel that he needed to defend his position. He knew 'truth'. He was 'truth' and he did not try to convince others to believe him. He willingly went to the cross. I realize that I am never willing to go. I'm willing to go if the circumstances are right. I'm willing to go if I can be reassured that people will acknowledge me and I will be safe. I'm willing to go when I am in the right frame of mind. I am never willing to go in sacrifice of myself. I realize that my defense is the unwillingness to trust that God is God. That 'truth' is 'truth' without my defense. My arrogance keeps me from deeply experiencing the humble nature of Christ, because I am too fixed on my next defense. Thus, leaving me in suspicion of God and others. This 'truth' is not mine to defend. It doesn't need a defense, because grace never asks to be defended. Grace gives without protection and it is misunderstood daily. My 'truth' is an extention of the greater 'truth'. A bit skewed and sometimes misinterpreting the bigger meaning. And because of my human fallacies, my 'truth' is not mine to defend either. My 'truth' must always remember grace-- and be ready to give it without understanding, protection, or solitude.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Grace: In the words of my pastor, "We must be extensions of Grace".
How do we, sinful men and women, give grace? How does our pride when we are hurt keep us from giving grace?
No matter what your beliefs are around grace: we have the responsibilty to give it. It is not a gift to us to be hoarded. Grace can't be what it is intended to be in our lives if we don't extend it to those around us. This concept is easy when we are in comfy, loving relationships. But when my husband fails to be there for me giving grace to him takes on a whole different kind of meaning. Christ calls us to give grace at all times: in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
God's grace is an overwhelming gift for me. It is almost easier to say, "what can I do to receive salvation", rather then believe that salvation is a gift of God's grace and love for me. If I could just do something for salvation, if I could work for it: I would have control over the flow of grace in and out my life. I could withhold it when I wanted to... I could give it when I wanted to. Grace would be contingent on my ever-changing mood.
A while ago, I was struggling with this relationship/friendship. It's one of those relationships that is not alive, but we haven't deemed it dead either. So periodically, I find myself asking the question: What do I do with this person? And once I was honest enough with myself, I realized I wanted her to see what she was missing in a friendship with me. I wanted her to feel bad for not engaging in our relationship. As I stirred in my anger, I found myself tightening my grip to grace. Grace was sufficient enough for me, but not for her. Over this: I lost a lot of sleep, I had no peace, and I was restless. Peter says, "But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (I Peter 2:20). Suffering can bring grace to another. Because in suffering, we learn that forgiveness can be present in the moment. Grace/Forgiveness was present in the moment of Christ's suffering. Even as He hung from a cross.
How do we, sinful men and women, give grace? How does our pride when we are hurt keep us from giving grace?
No matter what your beliefs are around grace: we have the responsibilty to give it. It is not a gift to us to be hoarded. Grace can't be what it is intended to be in our lives if we don't extend it to those around us. This concept is easy when we are in comfy, loving relationships. But when my husband fails to be there for me giving grace to him takes on a whole different kind of meaning. Christ calls us to give grace at all times: in the good, the bad, and the ugly.
God's grace is an overwhelming gift for me. It is almost easier to say, "what can I do to receive salvation", rather then believe that salvation is a gift of God's grace and love for me. If I could just do something for salvation, if I could work for it: I would have control over the flow of grace in and out my life. I could withhold it when I wanted to... I could give it when I wanted to. Grace would be contingent on my ever-changing mood.
A while ago, I was struggling with this relationship/friendship. It's one of those relationships that is not alive, but we haven't deemed it dead either. So periodically, I find myself asking the question: What do I do with this person? And once I was honest enough with myself, I realized I wanted her to see what she was missing in a friendship with me. I wanted her to feel bad for not engaging in our relationship. As I stirred in my anger, I found myself tightening my grip to grace. Grace was sufficient enough for me, but not for her. Over this: I lost a lot of sleep, I had no peace, and I was restless. Peter says, "But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for good and you endure it, this is commendable before God" (I Peter 2:20). Suffering can bring grace to another. Because in suffering, we learn that forgiveness can be present in the moment. Grace/Forgiveness was present in the moment of Christ's suffering. Even as He hung from a cross.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
A new day: God is good.
The one aspect that I find so encouraging about my walk with God is that he shows himself in those around me. As you can see from the past entry, this has been a trying week. When I have weeks like these I always hold my breath, hoping that it will be the last... and then the weight comes again. Today I realized that I needed to pick myself up. Not in denying myself the opportunity to grieve the reality of life, disappointments, or pain. But to remind myself that there is a world outside of myself. And that in staying in that place noone can reach me, not even God. When I'm in that place I won't allow anyone to touch me, see me, reach me... and that is my sin-- not their sin.
The innocence of my relationship with God has been skewed by my cynicism in life. Christ says that we must have faith in him like a child. I must be eager, excited, and open to what God has for me. Not in a way, that is unwilling to look at disappointment. On the other hand, always in anticipation of what He may bring. And in my selfish plight to get God to meet my needs through others I am easily disappointed-- because what I realize is that I don't trust God at all. Maybe my cynicism has more to do with my sadness in losing that 'wide eyed', 'expectant' heart for relationship with him. Maybe it is my inability to find joy in the simple: a smile from a stranger, a great lunch with an amazing friend, the touch of my husbands lips on my forehead-- I'm always wanting more. I'm always clawing for more when He is asking me to 'sit and see'.
The one aspect that I find so encouraging about my walk with God is that he shows himself in those around me. As you can see from the past entry, this has been a trying week. When I have weeks like these I always hold my breath, hoping that it will be the last... and then the weight comes again. Today I realized that I needed to pick myself up. Not in denying myself the opportunity to grieve the reality of life, disappointments, or pain. But to remind myself that there is a world outside of myself. And that in staying in that place noone can reach me, not even God. When I'm in that place I won't allow anyone to touch me, see me, reach me... and that is my sin-- not their sin.
The innocence of my relationship with God has been skewed by my cynicism in life. Christ says that we must have faith in him like a child. I must be eager, excited, and open to what God has for me. Not in a way, that is unwilling to look at disappointment. On the other hand, always in anticipation of what He may bring. And in my selfish plight to get God to meet my needs through others I am easily disappointed-- because what I realize is that I don't trust God at all. Maybe my cynicism has more to do with my sadness in losing that 'wide eyed', 'expectant' heart for relationship with him. Maybe it is my inability to find joy in the simple: a smile from a stranger, a great lunch with an amazing friend, the touch of my husbands lips on my forehead-- I'm always wanting more. I'm always clawing for more when He is asking me to 'sit and see'.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
The comments section on this site will be added very soon. So please keep mental note of your comments and post them on my site when they are up and running. I am looking forward to having dialogue with others.
Well...I actually posted an entry for yesterday and it did not post. This technical stuff is getting to me so bear with me. Thanks ;)
Today is a new day... so my entry begins.
For those of you who do not know, I suffer from depression. I don't believe that it is clinical, although I shouldn't be the one diagnosing myself, as that is a subjective danger. But I believe that this is an important start in beginning this entry, because this week has been an incredibly trying week and to find motivation to think beyond myself, yet alone write on this blog has been really hard. In moments like these, I wish I was the Christian who says, "God is good" and "God is all I need". I wish there was a formula: 2 days of prayer and fasting, go to church on Sunday, and take communion which equals happiness, joy, bliss anything other than darkness. But I'm not naive enough to think that with a couple of easy steps this cloud will dissipate. Oh sweet naivete.
This depression keeps me from everything. I feel no connection with other people. I feel no connection with God. And this is an obvious concern to me. When I can't barely drag myself out of bed: how do I wrestle with God's goodness? I know that God is good whether or not I feel it in the moment. I know that God is a God of grace and compassion even when I can't see it. How do I live a life that reflects God's goodness when I can barely brush my teeth? And I have a responsibilty to this, I have a calling to this...
Last night when I was struggling through this with my husband he said, "seek God". He said, "You do the seeing God in people really well, but you don't see that you need relationship with God apart from His reflection in others. To live well, you must do both." Well, here it is my little blog, my heart, my attempt to find God.
Well...I actually posted an entry for yesterday and it did not post. This technical stuff is getting to me so bear with me. Thanks ;)
Today is a new day... so my entry begins.
For those of you who do not know, I suffer from depression. I don't believe that it is clinical, although I shouldn't be the one diagnosing myself, as that is a subjective danger. But I believe that this is an important start in beginning this entry, because this week has been an incredibly trying week and to find motivation to think beyond myself, yet alone write on this blog has been really hard. In moments like these, I wish I was the Christian who says, "God is good" and "God is all I need". I wish there was a formula: 2 days of prayer and fasting, go to church on Sunday, and take communion which equals happiness, joy, bliss anything other than darkness. But I'm not naive enough to think that with a couple of easy steps this cloud will dissipate. Oh sweet naivete.
This depression keeps me from everything. I feel no connection with other people. I feel no connection with God. And this is an obvious concern to me. When I can't barely drag myself out of bed: how do I wrestle with God's goodness? I know that God is good whether or not I feel it in the moment. I know that God is a God of grace and compassion even when I can't see it. How do I live a life that reflects God's goodness when I can barely brush my teeth? And I have a responsibilty to this, I have a calling to this...
Last night when I was struggling through this with my husband he said, "seek God". He said, "You do the seeing God in people really well, but you don't see that you need relationship with God apart from His reflection in others. To live well, you must do both." Well, here it is my little blog, my heart, my attempt to find God.
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